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New here, with lots of questions amd some despair

Old 06-24-2009, 02:20 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
Absolutely, give AA a chance to support you! You have a good attitude, better than most who come through the door. It sounds to me like you are ready to do whatever it takes to stay sober, and that is a good part of the battle right there, your willingness. I live on the Chesapeake bay as well, on the MD side, but I can tell you that in this general area, and where I'd bet you are living, there are also many daytime AA meetings. I'm an NA person basically, but I go to AA during the day because there are no NA meetings during the day here, only in the evening. You AA'ers are so lucky. So many more meetings to choose from.

Even here in MD bay area, we have about 5 AA meetings at noon every day to choose from. And if you look at the schedule, there are also lots in the morning, you might like, too, although I prefer noon when I'm working evenings, as I can sleep in a bit. If you add in some more on your days off, you can get to as many as you might possibly need.

But meetings aren't the only thing you get at AA. Generally, you make a lot of sober friends that you'll be able to call when the going gets tough. You might find a sponsor, too. Someone who you can really get close to, and who can help you go through your step-work, which is vital to getting at the roots of your drinking. Some of the men in AA will be able to give you some good suggestions for you to help your wife get through your early recovery, which is a difficult time in any marriage.

I agree on encouraging your wife to go to Alanon. They don't have as many meetings, but it might help her and you.

Love,
KJ
Thanks, KJ! I'm actually not on the coast, and my name may have fooled a few. I am, however, in the h2o business and live in the country on a farm in central southern Va. Take care!.....
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Old 06-24-2009, 02:35 AM
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Joedris I was raised down in the Northern neck right on the Corrotoman river, the only real branch of the Rappahanock. I have pulled my share of pots and caught a ton of soft crabs poling a skiff, I love the water but will be the first to admit that being a waterman is way to much like work for me! LOL


Waterman as a few others suggested, it may be a very good idea for your wife to attend Alanon meetings, the spouses, family & friends need support and the guidance of others who have dealt with us alkies. Check out AA, trust me you are not alone.
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Old 06-24-2009, 01:14 PM
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Waterman, WELCOME!!!

Since you believe in God, you will find the program of AA to be very spiritual & give you the tools to live life sober & deal with all the emotions too.

"When the spiritual malady (illness) is overcome, I straighten out mentally & physcially"

It's a program both moral & spiritual.......
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Old 06-24-2009, 01:57 PM
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I just wonder how long will it take for self esteem and confidence to re-appear? Will I be happy again???
tough questions to answer....if you keep drinking that water it should be encouraging in time. one thing i'm learning is that life is not all happy and not all confident. it is a mixture and will always be. but i think you are talking in relative terms and the answer to that is not etched in stone. for some it has taken a very long time....for others it seems to come pretty quickly.

how active you pursue your recovery is a large factor....if you start feeling better and don't do much work....the chances are pretty high that you will be overwhelmed with these same feelings again....and probably even more so

so work hard and stay on the water man
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Old 06-24-2009, 06:22 PM
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WELCOME WATERMAN
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Old 06-24-2009, 06:36 PM
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Hi Waterman! welcome to SR. My confidence seemed to go down the drain with the alcohol leaving my body as well. Now, nearly 2 years later I realize that I was just scared of life w/o my wine. The first year involves lots of soul searching and sometime in that first year I woke up 1 day and I had more confidence in myself than I'd ever imagined, if I could quit the booze I could and can do anything! It's wonderful that you have rediscovered God, I for one could not have done any of this w/o my faith and the encouragement I get from reading the bible. I agree with the others that you should try and get your wife to go to al-anon but if not well you should be doing this for YOU so take care of you.
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by jamdls View Post
Hi Waterman! welcome to SR. My confidence seemed to go down the drain with the alcohol leaving my body as well. Now, nearly 2 years later I realize that I was just scared of life w/o my wine. The first year involves lots of soul searching and sometime in that first year I woke up 1 day and I had more confidence in myself than I'd ever imagined, if I could quit the booze I could and can do anything! It's wonderful that you have rediscovered God, I for one could not have done any of this w/o my faith and the encouragement I get from reading the bible. I agree with the others that you should try and get your wife to go to al-anon but if not well you should be doing this for YOU so take care of you.
I went to my first meeting tonight, and liked it. Wife didn't even ask me about it when I got home. She's gotten "cold", and says she doesn't want to hear about how I feel, so she doesn't ask, and I don't tell. You're right about one thing.....I'm in it for me(alone). Lord knows, I've been there for my wife through thick and thin, and she encouraged me to quit drinking. I did, but now I feel as though she's turned her back on me..."kinda"...may just be my imagination, but I don't think so. But...God is "patting me on the back", and that's good enough for me.....Thanks.....
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:16 PM
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Excellent, going to your first meeting!!!

Did you get any phone numbers yet?
Did you get to talk to anyone after the meeting? That's the next step, getting in their early to talk and staying after to go for coffee with us. That's how we get to know you.
Love,
KJ
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:35 PM
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Taz, Sorry, but being in the beltway cancels any prior water experience. And besides, the poor guy doesn't even live near the coast, so our most excellent experience will probably go right over his inland head.
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Old 06-25-2009, 03:51 AM
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way to go waterman...

Your wife should come around in time. be patient with her and work on YOU
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Old 06-25-2009, 03:57 AM
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She's gotten "cold", and says she doesn't want to hear about how I feel, so she doesn't ask, and I don't tell.
I think this is a common reaction. There is self-protection in there. People in relationships with alcoholics have often seen and heard the promise to stop drinking only to have their hopes dashed when the alcoholic starts drinking again. So, there is fear in her reaction, too.
It's a good possibility she is waiting to see if this will last before she buys stocks in it. Echoing what others say, just stay sober and that is best way to win her trust...
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Old 06-25-2009, 07:20 AM
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I completely agree with Littlefish. I know when I first got sober, I wasn't married but my daughter continued to stay away and I realized that was because she didn't have faith in me that I could stay sober and it took about a year before she warmed up to me and let me babysit my grandson again. I also think some spouses might be resentful of the others sobriety even if they don't drink, it's just like if your spouse suddenly starts getting into great shape and taking care of themself and you start wondering "why, why now?" even if they wanted them to get in shape. God does have a plan for us and it's usually not what we expect.

Judy
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Old 06-25-2009, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by mistycshore View Post
That Shakespeare quote "To Thine Own Self Be True" is pretty good stuff. Quitting is terribly hard (BOY, do I know). But your are a couple months into it. What "messy situation" is making it so hard? Is that what is affecting your self-esteem and confidence? You seem very determined - and KUDOS for that - but are you looking at what makes your life so hard? That's probably very important.

Good luck! I'm pulling for you.
Thanks! I am very determined. Heck, I might be well in a week, who knows? I wish that my wife would be just a little more patient and understanding of my mental state since being away from the drink. I'm a "new" person for quitting, but I didn't expect my wife to be "new".....If she liked the "old" me better, we're in trouble. And, if I don't like the "new" her, we got a problem... She does not drink, and never has.
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Old 06-25-2009, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
Excellent, going to your first meeting!!!

Did you get any phone numbers yet?
Did you get to talk to anyone after the meeting? That's the next step, getting in their early to talk and staying after to go for coffee with us. That's how we get to know you.
Love,
KJ
Yes, I have a few numbers, but wouldn't want to burden anyone unless it was an emergency. Made some friends. Folks seemed to be in kinduva hurry to get out. Wife doesn't want me going to meetings, though...........Thanks!....
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Old 06-25-2009, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by jamdls View Post
I completely agree with Littlefish. I know when I first got sober, I wasn't married but my daughter continued to stay away and I realized that was because she didn't have faith in me that I could stay sober and it took about a year before she warmed up to me and let me babysit my grandson again. I also think some spouses might be resentful of the others sobriety even if they don't drink, it's just like if your spouse suddenly starts getting into great shape and taking care of themself and you start wondering "why, why now?" even if they wanted them to get in shape. God does have a plan for us and it's usually not what we expect.

Judy
You make a very good point, Judy1 Hadn't thought of it that way, but I've been wondering and worrying over this new attitude by wife....Thanks!...Rick
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Old 06-25-2009, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by joedris View Post
Taz, Sorry, but being in the beltway cancels any prior water experience. And besides, the poor guy doesn't even live near the coast, so our most excellent experience will probably go right over his inland head.
Good point, but I hear that drinking saltwater makes you crazy. I do take comfort in knowing that my craziness didn't come from that...........LOL.
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Old 06-25-2009, 04:16 PM
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Wife doesn't want me going to meetings

I would venture to say, when you start changing & building a new character, she'll support it.
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Old 06-25-2009, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Waterman View Post
Yes, I have a few numbers, but wouldn't want to burden anyone unless it was an emergency. Made some friends. Folks seemed to be in kinduva hurry to get out. Wife doesn't want me going to meetings, though...........Thanks!....
What you don't yet know (you will find it out when people are calling you for help in a few months or years) is that you are helping us as much as we are helping you when you call us as a newcomer. Giving it away is what enables us to keep our recovery! It is actually quite an honor when a newcomer sees something in me that makes them trust me enough to call me. It isn't a burden, quite the contrary!

It's really important not to wait for a crisis to call people. Pick up the phone while you are feeling good, so that you will be able to pick up the phone when you are feeling bad. Call for any reason. I had a young woman who called me just to see what meeting I was going to that night, so she could meet up with me there. She and I are good friends now. Use that--"just callin' to see if you are going to a meeting tonight and which one?" or "Can you tell me about how to find a sponsor?" or "what are some good events or meetings to go to around here?" All of these are good openers to call with if you have trouble, as I did, with talking to people. Give it a try!

An idea for your wife: Take her to the next convention in your area and spring for a nice hotel room and dinner out while you are there. It's a great way to introduce her to some good folks in recovery and their spouses. It'll make her feel special to be included in this way, too. And you will have fun together.

Love,
KJ
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Old 06-25-2009, 06:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Waterman View Post
My self confidence is lacking(in EVERYTHING). and I get emotional alot(yep, crying....). 6 months ago, I wouldn't have shed a tear for many things. I do read the bible daily now, and I'm very humble in spirit. Things that I used to get alot of pleasure from are often avoided now, due to confidence and humility. I am sober, but my life seems to be still somewhat of a mess emotionally, and I just wonder how long will it take for self esteem and confidence to re-appear? Will I be happy again???
When I first attempted to quit over a year ago the symptoms you described were a big motivator for me. I was having the same emotional and confidence issues. These really shook me up as I am normally nothing like that. The good news was that it didn't take a whole lot of sober time (in my case) for a lot of those issues to disappear. I strung together just over 4 months of sobriety and I would say most of the side effects were gone after the first 2.

Glad you found us and welcome! Keep us updated on how you are doing!
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Old 06-25-2009, 10:52 PM
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My AA group is having a picnic on the 4th.
Members bring their families so everyone
can get acquainted. Pherps your wife would be
more relaxed about meetings if she met others.
Please see if that is something the Va. group is planning.

If not...ask her to attend an Open Meeting with you
then maybe a dinner later?
She is likely nervous about your new lifestyles to be.

Welcome to our recovery community
Blessings to you and your wife
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