Benjamin33

If you are new to sobriety, please don't read as I would hate to discourage anyone from living a more healthy, serene and natural lifestyle. FOR ME, sobriety sucks a big green donkey ****. I am not happy. Nothing is better. I want to my old life back. Granted, I've only been half-as#ssed sober since May 1, (I drank 3 beers at lunch one day on June 9), but jeez, I think that I want my old life back. The only thing is that I will freaking die if I go back to that. Doctor said so. My liver is screwed and I am running out of money so I can't go back. If it weren't for those things, I would still be drunk.

The bottom line is that I CAN'T drink but I have no idea how to live happily sober and it is driving me up the wall.

Just venting.

Benjamin

nogard

Hi Benjamin, gald you talking about it. Te first few months was a struggle for me as well, some days where good others I was muderous. I hung in by using SR, talking to otehr addicts in recovery and using NA. Most important I did not look forward I just did it for today, sometimes just for teh next few hours.

Kevin

least

I am sober and not always happy. But still, my worst day sober is a thousand times better than my best day drinking. Not to mention much better for my physical and mental health. So boring or depressing or whatever, I'll just stay sober anyway.

Gearoid

Ben...In Sobriety, the mind starts to tell you that you dont actually have a problem and that you can control your drinking next time...dont believe it! Once you drink alcohol again, you will sink lower than before and you will regret it more than ever before.
looking at what you've written you dont want to go back there, and physically CANT go back there..Start looking at the POSITIVES in Sobriety...and there are many!

tommyk

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

What are you doing except not drinking?

I discovered a life that I had NO IDEA could exist... astounding.

hopeful999

I am new to all of this but was not discouraged by your post. I have no illusions that being sober, clear headed and feeling good is infinitely better than cloudy brained, confused, and physically ill. I was not so far gone in alcoholism that I had forgotten how great it is to be sober, how wonderful it feels to wake up without a hangover and look forward to a cup of coffee instead of being sick to my stomach and weak. It's okay to vent... I don't have any words of wisdom, except that drinking made me feel hopeless and was taking away my life, slowly but surely. At some point you have to decide you want to live and come out of it.

janitorking

hello ben33. i know exactly how you feel and it wasn't until i realized that i needed a complete mental overhaul in order to beat alcoholism that things started to get a little easier. i had to start analyizing all the things in my life that were making me unhappy and remembering all the things that used to make me happy. alcohol more or less became my reason for living. it was the only thing that brought a sense of joy but the more i analyzed it the only reason it was bringing me 'joy' was because it was covering up all the deep rooted issues that were making me miserable. if you're an alcoholic and you choose to continue to drink you're essentially committing slow suicide. drinking everyday because it's all you know (which is what i did for about 10 years) is not living. it's dying. if alcohol is all that you love than you may as well be dead. this is the cold hard fact that makes the whole 'one day at a time' thing just a little easier for me. if i return to alcohol it'd be the same as a doctor telling me i have 1 month to live. and that scares the hell out of me. finding happiness in sobriety has been very dificult for me but i test myself every day even if all it is stopping what i'm doing and taking a deep breath or going outside and standing in the wind. these seem like trivial things to an alcoholic but they really are not. through alcohol i lost the ability to find comfort and happiness in simple pleasures. i'm pushing myself everyday to relearn how to live and aa and this page have really helped along the way.
i wish you all the best.
don't drink today and you will have won a major victory.
janitorking

flutter

A lot of us got 'here' because we felt we had to, or die. Not many of us here had some sort of pleasurable epiphany that led us to a happy go lucky sober life. You're not as alone or different in all of this as you might imagine..

Glad you're here

Dee74

I'm don't think getting sober is so much about getting happy or things being better.

Getting sober, and staying sober, is hard. Like Flutter said, a lot of us got 'here' because we felt we had to, or die.

But having done it - that's where the happy and better bit can come in...I'm free to remodel my life and myself as close as I can to what I want them to be, without having the weight of active alcoholism on me.

I look back at the drunk me of 2007 and I see someone I don't really know anymore. I'm very glad about that.

I'm not richer or smarter or more handsome... but I have a life now that I dreamed of back then

It takes a while, and it can be rough. But it's so so worth it.

Stick it out Benjamin - trust me.

D

CarolD

My r/x for living in the joy of sobriety is to get busy
and help someone else. Go volunteer somewhere.
Committ to a recovery program. Join a church.

Hope you find your answers...

NewBeginning010

Wow janitorking... you really have come a long way since joining, nice post!

Hang in there Ben, it will be worth it in the end. If you put half of the effort into recovering that you have put into your drinking you would have this thing beat.

We are all here with you & know what you are going through, stay with us. Lets do this together :ghug2

espresso

What sort of support have you got ....e.g. AA, counselor, friends who aren't drinking?

I couldn't stop or stay stopped on my own. For me, as the BB says: "half measures availed us nothing"

Good Luck

keithj

For an alcoholic, not drinking is a miserable experience. That's why so many of us have found it necessary to take AA's 12 steps. Through that experience and way of life, I'm comfortable in my skin, regardless of the circumstances around me.

tyler

Great post janitorking!! Couldn't agree more. I am currently abstainent from alcohol and drugs, but I would say the recovery aspect has just begun. I'm not involved in a "formal" program of any type currently, though I have attended many AA/NA meetings in the past. Still kinda on the fence with those (at least I've moved from adimently saying IT'S NOT FOR ME!!!), but I use SR as a resourse, have a bundle of reading material from a variety of souces (NA, SMART, Lifering, rehab materiels, etc) that I make use of. I also see a theripist regularly, though I have not found a new one since I moved about a month ago.

I think sometimes people consider "working a program" solely to mean going to AA/NA meetings, working the steps, etc., and that is a good, well developed program to work. In my mind, all a "program" is, is a stratagy to get and stay clean and sober. Everyone's stratagy is a little different. What works for one person, might not work for another. I've always liked the 12-step saying, "take what you need and leave the rest behind." That is my best chance for success in a 12 step program. Not to focus on what is not helpful (drunkaloges, book thumpers who insist the AA/NA way is the only way, folks who try to make it into a religious program rather than spiritual, etc.) and focus on the good (the caring people who welcome you back time and time again without judgement, the wisdom behind "working the steps", the opportunity to meet ans socialize with people who don't feel the need to use mind altering substances to enjoy life, etc.)

Try to find a stratagy to staying sober. Try to discover the reason you feel the need to be wasted in order to "enjoy life". You can't expect your life to get better overnight. You have to find a new way to live, not just stop drinking. Good luck. Take care.

Benjamin33

Thank you for all the responses. It never fails that I almost always get good advice and kind words of encouragement EVERY TIME I post something here.

To answer a few of the questions posed, I have been attending A.A regulary, and I do enjoy, respect and honestly admire the program. If it weren't for A.A., there is no doubt that I would be worse off. The thing about A.A for me is the fact that It provides a framework in which to live your life that I respect tremendously. I sincerely believe that anyone could benefit from A.A. whether they have an addiction or not.

That being said, I don't have a sponsor and haven't been giving my all to the program and I realize that one must really work the steps and go into A.A with their whole heart. I have not done that yet. Perhaps thats the reason that I am feeling discouraged and depressed about the whole thing.

In any event, I'm not giving up. I was miserable before and although I still have many problems, I do know that I'm better off than I was. Thanks again for the responses.

Benjamin