effortjoy

I found an AA meeting- it's about an hour away and it's late at night. I want to go but I'm not ready to tell my husband. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to tell my husband. He doesn't know the extent of my drinking problem and I don't want him to think of me as an alcoholic. Should I tell him I am somewhere else when I go to the meeting or just not go? Of course I have lied on various occasions in the past to hide my drinking from him, but part of me wants to stop lying. I just don't think I can deal with telling him now. I'm at the end of my sixth day of quitting and i'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this on my own.

1_day@_a_time

In WA DC, there must be a meeting within blocks, no?

effortjoy

for reasons I can't post the only meeting i can go to is an hour away- but the drive isn't my issue- it's the issue of what I tell my husband. should I go and lie or just try to recover using the web?

1_day@_a_time

well the web helps too, but I would go to the meeting.

what you say is up to you. sure can't suggest lying tho'.......chances are your husband knows more of your drinking than you may realize.

this is YOUR LIFE we are talking about here!

can only say, I have found huge support & encouraging words from people I never would have imagined........

least

There are people here who use this site as their only support system, and it works for them. I use SR heavily but also go to my home group AA mtg sometimes for the face to face support.

Would it not be better to tell your husband of your desire to stop drinking and live a healthier and better life? He may already know of your drinking but be in denial about its negative effects. I do'nt know what your relationship is like, but would recommend telling him of your desire to quit drinking. You said you're on day six of quitting - that's a good start. Usually the withdrawal is over at four or five days and what remains is implementing a 'program', whatever that may be, for staying sober.

I wish you the best in your efforts to live sober. There are online "AA" meetings here too. Check out the Meetings forum for times and days.

:ghug3

smacked

One of the best things about getting sober has been how honest I can live. I didn't tell my hubby either about how much I drank... but he was sure happy when I told him I was quitting. I didn't quit until I was completely honest with him about how much I had been drinking, and how serious it got, because as long as he didn't know.. he wouldn't say much if I decided to drink sometimes. I needed his support more than anyone's, and I had to tell him that I could never ever under any circumstances have another drink, and that I wanted his support, and that I was also pursuing outside help. He was relieved that I wanted to be healthy.

Plus.. I'm not a fan of lying to my spouse. I absolutely do not recommend it.

Anna

I use SR as my support system.

But, I strongly urge to not lie about this. Lying will ultimately make you feel worse and worse about yourself, whether or not you stop drinking. The lying will compound things.

CarolD

How long have you lived in D.C.?

I did for over 30 years...drunk then sober.
There are many many meetings and there is no reason
for a single woman to drive at night for an hour
to a place that might be dangerous.

Plese re think that whole idea. Call WA Central Office
202-966-9115 There are areas in D.C. the police don't
go to at night alone. 2 cops +a dog.

how about hiring a baby sitter for a couple of
daytime hours? You could do a day meeting and
also shop w/o the kids while you are out.

littlefish

Well, your husband is your partner and maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. You may be shocked to discover that he might just support you in this. Why not find out?

I didn't want to tell my husband either. It is hard because it is one of those moments in a relationship when you have to say: I'm damaged, flawed and not super in every way. That is a difficult step to take.

But, when I finally took that step, (and I waffled for about six months), telling him I am an alcoholic was like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I didn't feel totally alone anymore. It was one of the most liberating moments of my life.

That was 10 years ago at my first attempt at sobriety. I fell back into drinking: and five years ago, I started my descent into hell. Last year when I hit bottom, it was my husband telling me to do something about my drinking. So....things change.

Now, I just got back from my home meeting tonight. It is standard routine around here that I will be out of the house every Monday and quite often I go to another meeting on Fridays, plus other special AA events. I think the message it sends to my husband and kids is that I am taking care of myself by going to meetings and subsequently, can take care of them better.

Dee74

One of the very best things about getting sober for me is I stopped lying effortjoy. It was both a release and a relief. Lying had become a way of life for me, for many years.
It was scary to let it go, but I'm so glad I did.

Secrets kept me drunk. By letting everyone know, I had no place left to hide.
Do think about being honest and open with your husband, effortjoy.

D

flutter

I lied to my husband until I almost killed myself, literally.

I didn't want to tell him, because I wanted to keep drinking.

He found out because I landed in the ER at noon on a Sunday with a .56 BAC.

I lied more, and convinced him I could control it.

He found out for the last time, when he got a call at 10am from my boss that I was being driven home because I was intoxicated at work.

He decided to divorce me at that moment.

Luckily it didn't end that way.. I don't know honestly why it didn't. I had to let go, come clean, cry to him about how lost I really was.. I had to ask for help, and I HATE asking for help. I had to admit defeat.. I was desperate not to lose him, or my life.

Without being completely honest with him, I never would have fully admitted to another person in the world how far gone I felt, how scared I was.. who are you closer to than your partner. It was terrifying, and also a relief... to be fully and completely honest, and start the rest of my life!

Krys_wyo

Lying when drinking lying to drink lying about how much i drank ..........it is all apart of the habit we are all here to break, every addict lies and it has to stop with the drinking...IMHO
My husband is my best friend and #1 supporter, he never was a drinker but he understood and has put up with me for the last 3 sober years and it has been rocky a few times as i learn so many new ways of living and being, but he has been patient and encouraging.
Every month on the 16th he still text me congrats on another month.

NewBeginning010

I hope you are doing ok, can I ask you a couple of questions:

- Has he noticed or commented on the fact that you are not drinking
- Has your drinking caused problems that he knows about or was part of in the past

You can test the waters with him with some light comments `honey, I dont know if you noticed this week but I have decided that I want to quit drinking so that I feel healthier & have more energy` or whatever you feel comfortable with.

You should be able to get a good read on where he is at & from there slowly reveal your intentions of working on a recovery program because you dont want to fail.

Let us know how you are doing & congratulations on choosing recovery.

Keep on sharing so we can fully understand your situation (as much as we can in writing anyway)

Take Care,

NB

TryingSoHard

As someone who has been in your shoes, I can say - confidently and with no hesitation - come clean with him. Tell him, and be honest. You don't have to tell him every last little nitty gritty detail, but TELL HIM. The lies need to stop in order for you to heal, for your marriage to move forward positively.

Please feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk about it more. I was TERRIFIED to tell my husband everything (I hid my drinking) and he is my biggest supporter now. I couldn't do it without him.

effortjoy

The truth is that I come from a well known family and I'm trying my best to hide my drinking problem not just from personal shame (which probably would have been sufficient anyway) but also for my family. I have changed my details on this site as well- i can't even be honest on an anonymous site- that's how paranoid i am. In our circles people drink a lot (actually my husband doesn't at all but that's just bx he never liked the taste) and no one noticed that I drink almost twice as much as anyone at events bx I did most of my drinking before hand and have hardly ever noticably lost control. Today is day 7 for me and my husband hasn't noticed a thing. Didn't comment about my not drinking at all even though to me- I have been a completely diff person entirely. In the past, there have been times (when I threw up) that he told me that I had too much or was angry or embarrassed but in the past eight years there were maybe only three incidents and they weren't of rock bottom nature so we both forgot about them. He would be thrilled if I never took a drink again, but he definitely doesn't think that i'm an alcoholic. And i think that he likes to see me as a perfect wife and mother bx that's the way it is in his family. I have maintained a near perfect appearance with constant trips to the gym and impeccable work at my job (a miracle given how much i was drinking) and i am exhausted. From the drinking, from the lying, from the mask i have to wear all the time and pretend to be happy and in control. So tired. But this site is saving my life (even though I can't be completely honest ab my details here) I feel like this is the first safe place I have ever found and i am clinging to it like a lifeline- every time someones comes into the room (office or home) I have to close the site, but otherwise i am spending as much time as I can on it.

NewBeginning010

Nice post effortjoy, it must be hard to try to live in that perfect picture frame. Its ok not to be perfect, nobody is. I have found that most A's are more sensitive than most & feel more then most. We usually care too much about what others think about us. Unfortunately while all of that looks good its actually part of our problem.

If he would be "thrilled" if you stopped drinking, let him know about your decision lightly & gauge his response & respond accordingly. Sometimes we over think situations and believe that our drinking is the center of the universe... its the center of "our" universe.

I remember posting to someone how I couldn't say no to drinks because blah blah blah. I was gently reminded that most people don't really care too much if I drink or not. Actually, if they know me well they are also quite pleased.

Take care of yourself & keep posting & reading, there is some great info on alcoholism in the sticky threads.

You are doing great! Stay close K?

:ghug

P.S. Almost forgot, maybe you can see a counselor/physiologist about your drinking after your workout. It might be a little easier to fit in. There are a lot of famous people that have been in those AA rooms (I was just reading about one of my favorite musicians struggles & victory over alcoholism and his attendance in AA rooms around the world.. RIP Stevie Ray Vaughn http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAG-k...om=PL&index=75

Dee74

I'm not remotely in the public eye but I can identify with this - when I came here I was so paranoid of someone finding out I was here I changed my birthday LOL

No one wants to admit they've lost control - especially when we've spent most of our lives invested in being solid dependable and perfect - that was me too.

wearing the mask *is* exhausting. Always being perfect and keeping the secret is wearying.
And giving up drinking and staying sober is humungous enough.

I can see that anonymity is important to you.

But you don't have to take out full page ads ...I still think as a general rule we can afford to let the mask slip a little and tell our partners at least.

You know him better than any of us here - but don't sell him short. Don't let your fear of what might happen run away with you.

You'll need all your energy for this - and all the support you can get....and the space to be you....sans mask.

I'm glad you feel safe here.
And it's always your call - but think about it.

D

effortjoy

Here's what happened when i went to a famous psychologist a few years back:
She said that I don't have a drinking problem and that it was a good way to relax given our lifestyle.

I am so scared of trying to find a diff psychologist bx the 'advice' of that psychologist led to too many nights of out of control drinking.

Given my situation, I think I will stick to using this site but maybe when I get further along I will be able to be more comfortable being honest with my husband (and everyone else)

NewBeginning010

I was going to post "one that specializes in alcohol abuse" but then had second thoughts because you might have concerns about someone seeing you go in.out if they "specialized" in alcohol. Typical over thinking on my part.

After the death of my mother years ago I went to see a psychiatrist that was a total nut bar (arguing with her daughter during my sessions & belittling my feelings), I actually reported her (the first & only time with anyone in the medical profession). Basically, I get where your coming from.

You will find what works for you just make sure you make it a priority, you deserve it!

NB

1_day@_a_time

my experience with therapists/psychologists, etc. is I would only suggest seeing one who is in active recovery themselves.

takes an alcoholic to relate & understand one.