Father's Day

Old 06-20-2009, 03:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Father's Day

My ex-wife and 8 year old son are driving up to see me tomorrow on Father's Day. I should explain, my ex has been the only thing keeping my son in my life for the past 5+ years. I moved out of the house suddenly, after going into a deep depression, and moved back in with my parents. Unfortunately they lived over a 1000 miles away. After a few months I decided to move back to town, be "we" decided it would be best if I got my own place. It was a complete disaster.

After a stint in in patient rehab, 2 stays in the mental hospital, the second after a suicide attempt, I again moved back to my parents house. I didn't really move so much as was released into their custody and taken back there. I was still pretty out of it.

Anyway, about 4 years passed (very little clean or sober time), and now my folks have relocated to the coast and I'm only about 2 hours drive away from my son. We've been here about a month now and I've been to visit him a couple of times. My ex has been a saint through all of this. She has made sure he stayed in touch, never ever said bad things about me to him (in spite of the many bad things I'd done to her), made sure when she visited her father (about a 3 hour drive away) that they would come and see us too, more she has let me stay at the house when I visit, etc. I know they say no one person it completely at fault when a relationship fails, but I'd honestly have to say this one is a 90/10 split my way.

So back to fathers day. They are coming to visit tomorrow. She called today and said her mom and step-dad (they live in the same town as her) were wanting to know if it would be ok if they came along. She said her step-dad wanted to spend some time with my son on Father's Day. Truth be told, he has been more of a father to my son than I have and for that I am lucky. He is a good man and has been nothing but kind to me through everything over the years. I said that it would be ok, I'm not good at saying no.

Truth is, I'm not ok with it. He can spend time with my son any time he wants to. I have to schedule it, have him driven up her, or drive down there, and it's Father's Day damit, and I want him to be with me!!!! Her mom is cronicly late, so I'm sure they will end up being late because of her, and they are only going to have 7-8 hours here anyway, and it pisses me off!!!! She said they were just going to look at houses while they are here an keep my son company on the way up, but I wanted this to be OUR special time!!! I know I should have been honest and told her how I really feel, but I think she knows how I really feel because she asked me if I'd tell her if I didn't want them to come and I said "probably not". I guess it kinda pisses me off that she would even ask. This is the first Father's Day I have been around in years.

OK, had to get that out. It is really how I feel, but it's also selfish, something I'm realy working on. I'm trying real hard not to be resentful about this, but I feel it boiling up inside me. That's why I'm trying to get it out here. Before anyone asks, I don't really go to meetings and there are very few available in this area, though there is one tomorrow night, and I might go. I'm a little more than a month clean from my DOC, and a week and a half completely sober, so I'm still riding the emotional roller coaster, though I've pretty much riden that my whole life.

I know everything will be fine. I'll get to spend some good time with my son, and I'll probably go down there in next week for few days too. I'm just trying to handle this. I've been real close to drinking the last couple of nights and thoughts of hitting the liquer store are storming through my head right now. But I don't want to spend my Father's day with my son, hung over, feeling like crap. I don't want to live that life anymore. I'm just trying to deal with it. Just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
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Old 06-20-2009, 03:41 PM
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Hi tyler. I know just how you feel - one of those damned if you do, damned if you don'ts. You should've been able to be honest, but that would have probably caused more problems than just saying yes. Maybe they won't spend as much time with you & your son as you think - and everything will work out well for all. It's a blessing to have an ex like that - I've seen so many disgusting situations where people just want to hurt each other & to hell with the child's feelings. Hope it all works out and you have a great day in spite of the annoying intrusion.
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Old 06-20-2009, 03:53 PM
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13 May 2009
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I really appreciate your post, I have been the kid in this situation and the parent so I can understand you point of view entirely, but I can also understand your son's

what do you think your son wants/needs from you at this time?

You are his dad, his example, his superhero, his parent - nothing on this earth will change that, that bond is there.

Maybe your son will feel torn b/w a number of people in this situation wanting his attention (all loving him), sometimes letting a kid have space and be themselves with no expectations is the best gift of all.

Why don't you write him a special fathers day letter from father to son, he can re-read it afterwards and know how much it meant to you to see him.

I understand Tyler I really do, hang in there and focus on your sons needs, it makes what you need to do so much clearer and so much easier
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Old 06-20-2009, 04:36 PM
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I don't know Tyler... but it seems that your ex has been going out of her way to allow the best possible relationship, given the circumstances, between you and your son. She is probably taking the effort for both you and your son's benefit.

Given the courtesy she has shown you, you might find her sympathetic to your feelings. Perhaps there is some sort of face saving compromise that could be worked out. She did ask, maybe there is a way to save this Father's day for you. I bet you could put something out there... but you have to make the call.

Otherwise, lose the resentment, you can't afford it.

Happy Father's Day (My family is gone for the weekend... , but we celebrate next... )

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Old 06-20-2009, 04:40 PM
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Hi Tyler,

I don't have any advice for you, and I do hope you get to spend as much time with your son on Father's Day as possible.

You are blessed to have such a caring ex-wife and family who love and care for your son.
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Old 06-20-2009, 05:27 PM
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Thanks for the replies. We'll be fine. I don't have anything against her mom or step-dad (ok her mom can get on my nerves at times!! Mother-in-laws, ex or not!!), they've always been good to me, better than I probably if I were in their shoes and had to deal with all the crap I've put their daughter through.

I have no resentment, I just needed to vent. I must say my first impulse was to go and get fu*ked up, but that certainly wouldn't have solved anything and would have made it worse. I'd have been hung over and probably not enjoyed the little time I have with him.

Instead I went out and rented a couple of games and now I'm going to go blow some $hit up!!!!! Video games were probably my first addiction as a young teen, but I guess you can call it a practice in harm reduction. Like I say, I'm not all better, but getting better.

I also really liked the idea Martha had about writing my son a letter. I think I will do that tonight. First a little X-box stress reduction!! Thanks guys (and gals) for being there. Take care.
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Old 06-20-2009, 06:20 PM
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Thinking of you (((tyler)))
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