eoghanacht

Well today is Day 4 of being 'on the wagon'.

And yet.. dayle gets really upset (so therefore I get upset and then depressed)- because of me saying that she shouldn't take her anger out on me (as when she has done so, I turn to drink)... basically what happened is that as she was going outside to join me in having a coffee, I asked her something that I've since forgotten (nothing bad, and not in an angry manner), and she answered me in an annoyed way, so I obviously couldn't understand why and got annoyed/upset, and when I took our coffee's outside I didn't say a word, and she said that she was just annoyed at her eyes watering (she's had this happening quite a lot recently), so I said 'Well I didn't do it, so don't take your anger out on me' (or words to that effect), and err.. that was it... we just sat there, totally ignoring each other, me being frustrated and her getting more depressed... and she went back to bed.
So I just laid on the sofa and went to sleep... waking up at 10pm. Great.
Wanted a drink so f***ing bad...... but said to myself, 'No, I'm doing this (Detox)- for myself...

WHY the f***ing HELL didn't she just apologise and then we could've sorted this out???????? I need her SUPPORT, not THIS.
I know where there's a store that sells booze and it's open 'til 2am... thought and thought about that........... but no. I am doing this for myself. I don't mean or want ever to be selfish. But.. because at various times I haven't gotten the support that I need... support from my partner I mean.

Next week I am going to this 'Group' thing at Rehab... just to try it out.

Anna

I'm glad you stayed sober.

Recovery means learning new ways to deal with every day life and it's not always easy. It would be nice to have the support of your partner, but even if you don't, you can stay sober. It's very hard for others to understand what we go through. That's why it's good to come here, because we do understand.

Dee74

I'm glad you didn't drink too, Eog.

I sorry you feel unsupported by your partner - sometimes other people just don't 'get it'...sometimes I had to remember I wasn't the centre of the universe too. Life goes on even as we're recovering. Early sobriety's really tough...for both partners....and other people need to adjust just like we do.

Hang in there. SR is always here - and your Group thing sounds a good idea.

Have you tried telling her how you feel? what you need?
D

sayaprayer

well will you or wont you. how much do you want want ever it is that's the most important thing in your life, if you do don't, blame anyone for your actions. if you don't then how about you breaking the silence, we all know how stressed we can get whist not drinking but its like needing to get to the other side of the river, look how many of us have looked at it and turned away cos we just don't think were able to get across so we try and think of other ways, but there's no denying it its going to be the same, at least your on here, that's a good thing, and keep it in the day you've started off sober see it through, chill out the jokes are a good lift. good luck your on your way to that first vital week, keep it up

tyler

Sounds to me like you handled things pretty well. 4 days off the drink can lead to some pretty frazzled nerves and tense moments, yet you got through it without the drink. Congrats, well done!!

While it's nice when those closest to us are supportive, they have usually been through a lot as well. Sometimes they are not ready to "cut us a break"...yet. Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. Take care.

eoghanacht

Thanks for the congrats.... it helps
Dee, yea, she knows how I feel, have told her on a daily basis since detox started. Also that I need her support. I don't always get it... but at least I didn't give in to the demon tonight. It was a close thing.. but I know that I have to keep on this path otherwise a] She'll have another go at me (?!), and b] me liver will feel like it's gonna explode again.

Believe808

You are doing great. At times when you are frustrated, say the Serenity Prayer. Do you know it? God Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Thy will NOT mine be done. I find it helps me when I am out of sorts. Good luck. Oh, that's great you are going to the Group. Be strong. Keep posting when you are feeling like this. It really helps.

espresso

You say you're going to a group therapy session at rehab...what other support have you got? e.g. AA or local drug and alcohol community team or rehab (out patient?) counselor
There's lots of support here on SR but it's good to have F2 support.

hendershot

You didn't become sick in a day and aren't going to get better in a day. Likewise for her. If you work a good recovery program you will get better. If she doesn't do anything there is really no reason to think she will change--not based on your wishes either. Seeing if she would try al-anon (or if she needs some kind of other recovery) would be worth a shot. But ultimately it is up to her and you can't compel her to do anything.
This is tough stuff. Kind of lame but "acceptance is the answer." You can't control her behavior no matter how you want to. All you can and should do is focus on yourself. If she upsets you, you can work on your response to it. The serenity prayer is a great place to start.

Wolfchild

You are finding out the lengths you will go to to stay sober. That will help you to let this way of life become a reality for you and not just another good idea. Going to meetings and allowing your sponsor to guide you through the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions will help strengthen this growing committment to your recovery process!!

Thank you for not taking that first drink!

Lenina

Congrats on another sober day! Be gentle with yourself and try to understand she's in the beginning stages of recovery too. Is she going to Ala Non? Do you think she's as confused and in as much pain as you are?

There's some really good books out there on Codependency. Do you think she would be interested? You can get one at the library for her.

Love,

Lenina

firestorm090

Hi eog,

Over on the "families" forums, it helps to read how family members are affected by this illness, and that at times they have no support to really offer becuase they are hurting too. This illness hurts all of us, the alcoholics, partners, kids, parents, friends, employers, the list goes on and on. You are hurting, but maybe she is too, so it helps to go easy in the beginning, with ourselves and our loved ones. It's a devastating disease and we sometimes seem to lose sight of the disease, and then hurt our loved ones because they don't understand it anymore than we do. It's hard on everyone involved, no one wants it, no one wants to deal with it, it's like a bully who's come to town and no one wants to have to stand up to him because of the risk involved. I think you're doing great by getting it out here, by opening up and letting others in on your struggle. Maybe, and you know better than I, she's struggling to, which is why she is quiet, she may be sorting her own thoughts about all of this pain, yours, hers and both combined. It's a lot to deal with. I hope the group helps you next week, till then hang in there.

eoghanacht

Thanks again for the congrats.
Expresso- as for the other support, I do now have a 'Keyworker' (dunno why their called key), based at the Rehab centre. He will be taking me thru/introducing me to the group sessions.

Hendershot- I don't feel/want to say the Serenity Prayer, basically because even though I have something of a faith, it is very, very, very 'condensed' now- basically because of a traumatic event that i went thru in 2002. It totally battered my beliefs.
Been diagnosed with PTSD (as well as the obvious, severe depression). But thanks for the thought anyway.
I also agree that it's up to her if she chooses not to support me or not to act in the way that I think she should act. I never want to force her or anyone into something they don't want to do. Yea it's tough. Argh.

Wolfchild- I don't actually go to AA, the Group thing is at my local Rehab place. It's just one service that they offer. Thanks anyway.

Lenina- Not sure if she's in the same recovery/pain as me, I'll have to think about that one. Also, what is 'Codependency'? I'll check the library out if you can explain that one to me!
Firestorm- I just wanna say thank you for your awesome post... man, it was brilliant..really well written (are you a writer?)-and put. Thanks!
Oh.. one more thing... how do I reply to a post so that my reply 'sits next to' the original post, if you see what I mean? I hate writing all these replies right at the 'end' of all of the replies!!.

firestorm090

Hi eog,

Thanks for the nice compliment.

Here's another thing that I'm learning that may help. I too felt that my recovery is "my recovery", that I was doing this for myself, that others need to support me unconditionally and just let me do my thing, but today I feel differently. In many ways, my recovery is part of their recovery too, by that I mean that by recovering, I am opening the lines of communication to them and am now also encouraging them to be part of the ups and downs of the changes that occur as we struggle to find our way. It is helpful to encourage others to help us for in many ways they help thmeselves by helping us, and we can then, in turn, help ourselves by helping others. It is a we thing. While you are asking for support from her, offer it to her as well, let her know how important she is to you, that you value her, care for her, and will be there for her, even while you are going through all of this difficulty, (not after you sort it all out), and you may be surprised how the tensions seem to ease a bit.

tommyk

I learned somewhere along the way that people don't make me mad...

... I make myself mad because of how I perceive what people say & do.

It doesn't make it any easier to deal with being mad.... but... I accept responsibility for being mad, I can't blame others.

And always remember... there is no emotional pain that alcohol can't make worse.

Pelican

Congrats on staying sober one more day!

Be patient with yourself and your mate. Lots of changes happening in both your lives.

I am an alcoholic in recovery. One of the most important lessons I am still learning is how to respond instead of react to situations.

In my drinking days, I often reacted to situations with sarcasm and angry words. If I didn't feel like dealing with something, I drowned it out and hoped it would go away.

Today, I am learning to think through situations and respond in a healthy manner. I try to choose a response that is healthy to myself and whomever I am responding to. Group Meetings, SR and reading are helping me to live a healthier life. I am trying to T.h.i.n.k. before I respond:

T = is it thoughtful?
H = is it honest?
I = is it important?
N = is it necessary?
K = it it kind?

hendershot

eog- You don't need to think of saying the serenity prayer as an actual prayer if you do not want too. I am pretty unsure about the "God stuff" myself. You can omit the word "God" and just tell yourself that you hope that your mind/body/soul can grant yourself the serenity. . . The point doesn't need to be about God, just about getting yourself in the frame of mind to stop trying to worry and control those things you cannot and work towards positively affecting those things you can. Repeating these kinds of thoughts as affirmations--even if not prayers per say--have really helped me. Good luck.

andreaz1

that took alot of willpower.... the fact that you recongnized your weakness and were able to stop yourself, that alone is your first step, pat yourself on the shoulder

Dee74

Not sure what you mean Eog.

If you mean how do you 'quote' a post to reply to it - the simplest way is to hit the quote button the post you'd like to reply to and take it from there...

Multi quoting a lot of different posters is a little tricker...I'll get back to you when I've mastered it completely LOL

D

eoghanacht

Hey Dee. Well as you can see I hit the 'Quote' button for this post. What I meant was, if I want to post right after a person's comments, that is, so that my post will be the next 'box' down from that person's comments... how do I do that. I know, it's confusing me as well, lol.
Hey it worked!!!!!! I hit the 'submit' button after I finished typing and it placed this post right next to yours!!!