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-   -   Being sober equals losing friends (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/178681-being-sober-equals-losing-friends.html)

spiker 06-18-2009 10:09 PM

Being sober equals losing friends
 
I am saddened as I have no choice but to end a friendship. He is an enabler who drinks heavily. Maybe this is a selfish decision on my part. But everything in his life is drinking related. He is a great guy but really the lifestyle is depressing. When I insist that I do not want to go with him to the "all you can drink" beer night, I get called a ***** and other good natured poking.
I find as my sobriety progresses, our friendship is ending. I asked him to go to the movies instead and he said "not unless there is a bar there".

I can no longer drink as it is affecting my health. I am 37 and enough is enough.

Goodbye friend :(

Dee74 06-18-2009 10:22 PM

Hi Spiker

I had a mate like that too - great guy but his life revolved around drinking and smoking weed - and I think, in some way, he needed me to join in.

To preserve my recovery, I had to walk away. He might have been able to live that way -I couldn't.

I lost a few drinking buddies, but the friends who stayed, and the friends I've met since, have all been 24 carat....it works out :)

D

sfgirl 06-18-2009 10:34 PM

Not going to lie, I seemed to have more people in my life 8 months ago.

The ones I still have were my friends and continue to be. The other ones just tended to be the people I partied with or surrounded myself with to keep myself busy.

I am much calmer now. And I like it.

maz09 06-18-2009 10:47 PM

I'm in a similiar situation, my friends only want to go somewhere if they have alcohol and if I say no to them, I'm considered the snob and not fun anymore.

1_day@_a_time 06-18-2009 10:52 PM

today I have a new definition of friend.......

Jules62 06-18-2009 10:58 PM

Hi Spiker.

It's not easy.I don't think you're being selfish though-you're taking care of yourself-that's a big difference. I lost a few 'friends' this way too, but it turns out they weren't really friends at all-just people I drank with. They were 'good' people for sure, but our main bond was drinking and I had to walk away for my own sanity.

The good news is some of my older friends remained and support me well in being sober and I've made new sober friends I can hang out with too.So while it may feel like a loss initially?You will find gains too.Give it time but also know we do understand what it's like to feel that loss and it's okay to grieve that loss too.It'll get better.

Jules :)

espresso 06-18-2009 11:11 PM

Through AA I have met wonderful people and it really is possible to have fun without alcohol like bbqs/picnics/meals out - a load of recovering alkies around a restaurant table laughing their heads off with no alcohol really gets some looks!

Sometimes we have to let go of "old friends". It's sad but as Dee has said you've got to protect your own recovery.

Mary52 06-18-2009 11:12 PM

Involve yourself with a lot of AA activities with sober people. This Saturday evening is a gathering of AA-ers at a campground for a campfire meeting. I can't wait! I went to one similar last year. It was wonderful being with so many sober people and out under the stars!

littlefish 06-18-2009 11:25 PM

Years ago, when I first tried to control my drinking, (that didn't work, but it's a long and familiar story.....), I realized that I had friends and I had drinking buddies. They are not the same thing.
Luckily, because I'm a lot older now and have a group of very moderate and even non-drinking friends....I haven't had to make that choice. But, 20 years ago, I did find myself making that choice.
And, here is a happy ending to a story: I had to distance myself from one of my best friends. Our contact was all about drink and drugs.
Years later, we established contact after she had quit the drink and drugs and now we are closer than ever.

SillyBilly 06-18-2009 11:54 PM

Wow buddy, you're doing the right thing for you. It's sad I know, I've had to say 'goodbye' to so many friends and now I don't have any at all really. Life isn't always fair. Be strong, you are making the right choices for you now.


today I have a new definition of friend.......
You said it mate. I only think of those 'old' friends now as my 'user friends'.

Or what you said littlefish - drinking buddies.

Also wow, that's fantastic news LF, I'm uber happy for you. My schoolyard best-friend lost me to drugs & alcohol, I imagine that was pretty hard on him. I also had to leave my best-friend in the scene behind because of the same reasons. I wish him all the best though and hope he finds what he's looking for one day.

Pinkcuda 06-19-2009 12:09 AM

I guarantee you that I lost more friends when I was drinking than I ever did when I was sober. In fact friends weren't the only thing I lost when I was drinking. What did drinking cost me? How much was the toll? Does the loss of a drinking buddy in sobriety weigh more than the things I lost when drinking?
I personally have had some of my drinking buddies come back to me after time with questions about how I did it. Then they asked me if they decided to quit would I be willing to tell them how I did it. This is all from the seeds I planted back then.

DaveBB164 06-19-2009 02:32 AM


Originally Posted by spiker (Post 2267569)
I am saddened as I have no choice but to end a friendship. He is an enabler who drinks heavily. Maybe this is a selfish decision on my part. But everything in his life is drinking related. He is a great guy but really the lifestyle is depressing. When I insist that I do not want to go with him to the "all you can drink" beer night, I get called a ***** and other good natured poking.
I find as my sobriety progresses, our friendship is ending. I asked him to go to the movies instead and he said "not unless there is a bar there".

I can no longer drink as it is affecting my health. I am 37 and enough is enough.

Goodbye friend :(

When I got into AA all but one of my friends disappeared, the one who remained encouraged me and was over joyed to see me eventually get well,

the rest well they were just drinking buddies I did not know that much about them other than their favorite brand of beer, they were not bothered that I was falling apart inside, they never asked me anything about my life outside the bar, they were just there at that phase of my life,

since I recovered in AA I have a lot of friends inside and outside of AA who genuinely care about me and who I genuinely care about the connection and bond we have is far deeper than any of those guys in the bar could imagine.

Tazman53 06-19-2009 03:36 AM

A friend is some one who I trust my life with, I respect them and they respect me! If I have a problem my friend knows it and will bend over backwards to help me with it just like I will bend over backwards to help them with a problem.

A drinking buddy I can trust with my life as long as I am drinking with him. A drinking buddy has respect for me as long as I am drinking with him. A drinking buddy will bend over backwards to help me with a problem as long as we are drinking.

Drinking buddies are a dime a dozen, want one? Go to any bar and start buying rounds, you will have as many as you can afford.

Real friends are priceless!

Spiker when my father quit drinking he told me one of the things he learned when he quit was who his friends were and who were his drinking buddies. I really had no idea of what he was talking about until I quit. After being sober for a while I was able to see my drinking buddies were all they were.

My REAL friends supported me just as much as my family did.

least 06-19-2009 04:07 AM

Since all my drinking was done at home alone I haven't lost any friends over getting sober. But I wouldn't hesitate to drop any 'friends' who didn't support my sobriety. I have to do what is good for me.

four812 06-19-2009 04:16 AM

i've lost the friendly dope dealers who tried to pose as my friends...sometimes they used to be my only contact with the world for a day or two.

sometimes my mind tries to trick me into "missing" these "friends". funny.

I have to remain vigilant, if necessary, to not return to former "friends" who are harmful to me.

thanks for the reminder

ClosetExtrovert 06-19-2009 05:22 AM

Isn't that weird? I've surrounded myself with drinkers, too. On facebook, all my friends send rounds of drinks to each other. And I don't think I can hang out with them anymore. Last weekend my neighbor made fun of me when I turned down a drink. WTH? Leave me alone! I went home and I was majorly annoyed.

tommyk 06-19-2009 05:42 AM

I learned that I had a lot of drinking buddies.

But I never let anyone close enough to consider them a true friend, they just knew the alcohol in me.

And vice-versa.

nelco 06-19-2009 05:47 AM


I find as my sobriety progresses, our friendship is ending.

I experienced this with active alcoholic members of my family.. everything changed when I stopped drinking. I am a fun person and dont need drink to enjoy a family get together but they needed me to drink to feel better about themselves.
I survived...I hope you do too. Its sad but necessary sometimes

SurviveIt 06-19-2009 05:50 AM

Hang in there. You'll meet new friends, and if this guy is a true friend, he'll eventually see how his addiction -- not your recovery -- has destroyed the friendship.


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