Anger, how do you defuse it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Anger, how do you defuse it?
I posted a thread about to hell with it, but I don't want to say the hell with it. I want retaliation, I want to hurt those who don't treat me right!!!! I'm beside myself, can't sleep, am sick of unkept promises and bull sh*t!! I want to bust a couple heads. The anger is overwhelming, I sincerely hate these people and am sick of them. I went bald years ago, but if I still had hair, I'd be yanking it out over these morons. Arghhhhhh. Gosh, how do you let go of such ferocity? My blood is boiling, and to think these are grown men I'm dealing with, liars, cheats, freaks. No More!!
Please help.
Please help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey P,
Good to see you, my friend!
I just had a really strange thing happen. I picked up my cat. Now, that's not strange, but what is strange is how it affected me. It calmed me down. It made me realize that she just wants to be held, she doesn't care about jerks, she's just a cat. Really simple stuff.
OK, I'll wait till tomorrow to bust their heads, lol.
Good to see you, my friend!
I just had a really strange thing happen. I picked up my cat. Now, that's not strange, but what is strange is how it affected me. It calmed me down. It made me realize that she just wants to be held, she doesn't care about jerks, she's just a cat. Really simple stuff.
OK, I'll wait till tomorrow to bust their heads, lol.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I write all the crap down ....read it over ...taer it up.
Then...a hot shower...pray for peace.
FS...you are not thinking clearly just now.
Please stay in and work thru this pain.
Then...a hot shower...pray for peace.
FS...you are not thinking clearly just now.
Please stay in and work thru this pain.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
One of the best lessons I ever learned in recovery was I can't control other people.
It's unfair and annoying and may even be infuriating...but doing this
or this 
can only be good if it leads to a quick solution D...otherwise? it'll lead ya right back to drinking.
I still have trouble with my anger, but I find exercise or a walk helps, as does playing my guitar, cooking dinner, or...laughing.
I'm blessed to have someone with me who makes me laugh in spite of myself...but a good funny movie or stand up comic does wonders too.
Pets are good too LOL but you know that
D
It's unfair and annoying and may even be infuriating...but doing this
or this can only be good if it leads to a quick solution D...otherwise? it'll lead ya right back to drinking.I still have trouble with my anger, but I find exercise or a walk helps, as does playing my guitar, cooking dinner, or...laughing.
I'm blessed to have someone with me who makes me laugh in spite of myself...but a good funny movie or stand up comic does wonders too.
Pets are good too LOL but you know that
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
FS there is one main thing I do when I am angry with someone or something, I say the Serenity Prayer........ the madder I am the SLOWER I say it, making myself focus on each word & the overall meaning of each line of it, I also take an inventory to see if there may have been something I did or did not do that may have played a role in what is going on. Many times I find I play a part in what another person does to me or does not do.
Now if it is really overwhelming I step out in back of my place and I let it OUT!!!! I will holler at the top of my voice, for some reason this lets the adreniline level go down some and then I once again go back to prayer and self examination.
Resntments and anger used to own me, I would drink over them, it was like I was taking poison thinking it would kill the person I had a resentment against when in reality my resentments and anger were killing me.
For me taking the steps, especially steps 4 & 5 made a huge difference in me, I began to find some peace and serenity and things that used to annoy me to no end became insignifigant.
Now if it is really overwhelming I step out in back of my place and I let it OUT!!!! I will holler at the top of my voice, for some reason this lets the adreniline level go down some and then I once again go back to prayer and self examination.
Resntments and anger used to own me, I would drink over them, it was like I was taking poison thinking it would kill the person I had a resentment against when in reality my resentments and anger were killing me.
For me taking the steps, especially steps 4 & 5 made a huge difference in me, I began to find some peace and serenity and things that used to annoy me to no end became insignifigant.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 118
Do you have a boxing gym near you or something to hit repeatedly? I've gotten better at dealing with anger over the years (actually made progress on that issue while still drinking, oddly enough), but I used to find that a vigorous session with the heavy bag made me feel much better. Splitting wood is good too, though it's not really the season for it.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 373
Some of my methods:
1) Physical exercise. A good run on the treadmill, a hike in the hills.
2) Pummel the couch cushions
3) Get some loving from the kitty
4) Give myself a good talking to... what am I upset about? Why do I think someone didn't treat me right? Too often I discover that I gave too much and then got upset when I feel I didn't get enough back. Why did I give too much? Why did I give with the expectation of receiving? I then try to reset my boundaries and remind myself that if I need/want something, I need to ask for it. Not try to get it by giving. People can't read my mind.
5) Treat myself the way I want to be treated.
6) I'm not a religious person so I don't 'pray' for them. But while I meditate I will envision the person surrounded by a green aura. Somewhere years ago I decided that green was healing. So I'm kinda doing my version of praying for them. Trying to give them healing is a way to transform my anger to compassion.
Glad that you're back Firestorm!
1) Physical exercise. A good run on the treadmill, a hike in the hills.
2) Pummel the couch cushions
3) Get some loving from the kitty
4) Give myself a good talking to... what am I upset about? Why do I think someone didn't treat me right? Too often I discover that I gave too much and then got upset when I feel I didn't get enough back. Why did I give too much? Why did I give with the expectation of receiving? I then try to reset my boundaries and remind myself that if I need/want something, I need to ask for it. Not try to get it by giving. People can't read my mind.
5) Treat myself the way I want to be treated.
6) I'm not a religious person so I don't 'pray' for them. But while I meditate I will envision the person surrounded by a green aura. Somewhere years ago I decided that green was healing. So I'm kinda doing my version of praying for them. Trying to give them healing is a way to transform my anger to compassion.
Glad that you're back Firestorm!
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
In my adult life many people have commented on what a calm, level headed person I was. I worked in many stressful situations where people would yell at me, unjustifiably, and I'd just let them say their piece and move on. My secret...I was usually stoned out of my gourd!!!! This is obviously not the answer you are looking for, and not the answer for me either.
My first stint in rehab, and first "longterm" stretch of sobriety, I found myself filled with unexplained rage. I'd snap at people for no reason, I even had to be physically restrained a couple of times, and this is from a guy who has only been pushed to fight once in his entire life, and that was as a kid.
What I've found is that I've burried my emotions with pot and booze for so long that I have no idea how to manage them. I NEVER used to cry, now it takes very little to make me sob. I can have a hair trigger temper. For me part of it is underlying, unresolved issues, that sneak up and attack me when I'm feeling weak. Those are something I am working on and will continue to with a theripist.
As for how to control your anger, I'm definately a work in progress on that one, but here's what has worked so far. If possible I try to remove myself from the situation definately physically, and if possible mentally too. I will play a video game, watch tv, read, go to bed, journal, work out, anything to get me out of that place. After I have calmed down I try to the situation that set me off and look at it rationally. First of all, did I really have a reason to be angry? Oftentimes, something was misperceived or misunderstood. If my anger was "justified", what can I do to make the situation better? Oftentimes I'll post here to get other opinions, talk to a friend about it, if you go to meetings, that is a good place to bring it up, etc. I then do what I can to correct the situation, even if that is just letting go of it and saying, there just is nothing I can do about it and I'm not going to let it control me.
That's what's working for me. I'm still learning a lot about this one and have a long way to go. I still snap on people, usually those closest to me. I too, sometimes truly want to go "bash someone's skull in"!! But I try to think it through, and the end result is usually that it's just not worth it. Hope some of this helps. Take care.
My first stint in rehab, and first "longterm" stretch of sobriety, I found myself filled with unexplained rage. I'd snap at people for no reason, I even had to be physically restrained a couple of times, and this is from a guy who has only been pushed to fight once in his entire life, and that was as a kid.
What I've found is that I've burried my emotions with pot and booze for so long that I have no idea how to manage them. I NEVER used to cry, now it takes very little to make me sob. I can have a hair trigger temper. For me part of it is underlying, unresolved issues, that sneak up and attack me when I'm feeling weak. Those are something I am working on and will continue to with a theripist.
As for how to control your anger, I'm definately a work in progress on that one, but here's what has worked so far. If possible I try to remove myself from the situation definately physically, and if possible mentally too. I will play a video game, watch tv, read, go to bed, journal, work out, anything to get me out of that place. After I have calmed down I try to the situation that set me off and look at it rationally. First of all, did I really have a reason to be angry? Oftentimes, something was misperceived or misunderstood. If my anger was "justified", what can I do to make the situation better? Oftentimes I'll post here to get other opinions, talk to a friend about it, if you go to meetings, that is a good place to bring it up, etc. I then do what I can to correct the situation, even if that is just letting go of it and saying, there just is nothing I can do about it and I'm not going to let it control me.
That's what's working for me. I'm still learning a lot about this one and have a long way to go. I still snap on people, usually those closest to me. I too, sometimes truly want to go "bash someone's skull in"!! But I try to think it through, and the end result is usually that it's just not worth it. Hope some of this helps. Take care.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I know you mentioned you were drinking.. I honestly find myself much more stable and less apt to violence being sober.
I hope you're ok today, and not busting any heads Please see a doc if the chest pains continue!!
I hope you're ok today, and not busting any heads
Please see a doc if the chest pains continue!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
FS,
Sorry to hear of your struggles. You're just getting a full knowledge of your condition. Some alcoholics don't survive that education process, but, obviously, many of us do. Your situation is not surprising in the least. I'm sure you've read about the grave nature of anger in the Big Book:
"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else."
"For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger."
It's clear that most alcoholics have real resentment and anger issues, and it's clear that these will absolutely be our downfall.
It's also clear that we are given specific directions in how to deal with anger and resentment. Like others have mentioned here, I had to work through Steps 4 &5 before I saw much relief. And Step 9 to some extent.
Nothing is so important in your life that it needs to get in the way of doing that work. Almost anything could happen in your life in the time it takes to complete those steps, and it wouldn't have nearly the impact that staying drunk will. People can stiff you on payment, you can lose your house, someone can steal your girl; none of those things will have as much impact on your life as not working the steps.
You, my friend, have nothing to lose. So get busy. Put aside all the other things in your life that just don't matter right now. You can get to those things when you're done with the steps. Then you'll be able to handle them from a different perspective.
Sorry to hear of your struggles. You're just getting a full knowledge of your condition. Some alcoholics don't survive that education process, but, obviously, many of us do. Your situation is not surprising in the least. I'm sure you've read about the grave nature of anger in the Big Book:
"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else."
"For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger."
It's clear that most alcoholics have real resentment and anger issues, and it's clear that these will absolutely be our downfall.
It's also clear that we are given specific directions in how to deal with anger and resentment. Like others have mentioned here, I had to work through Steps 4 &5 before I saw much relief. And Step 9 to some extent.
Nothing is so important in your life that it needs to get in the way of doing that work. Almost anything could happen in your life in the time it takes to complete those steps, and it wouldn't have nearly the impact that staying drunk will. People can stiff you on payment, you can lose your house, someone can steal your girl; none of those things will have as much impact on your life as not working the steps.
You, my friend, have nothing to lose. So get busy. Put aside all the other things in your life that just don't matter right now. You can get to those things when you're done with the steps. Then you'll be able to handle them from a different perspective.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
In times of anger...
First & foremost - I will recite the 12 steps in my mind.
Then I like to turn to my step working guide, exercise, music, and/or reading.
Whatever of these activities best 'gets me out of myself' for the moment, and the next moment.
Break the train of thought, confuse your disease with mental activity.
Alot of times my mind is a bad neighborhood and I shouldn't be in there alone - get with other people.
No, don't accept it, fight it, divert it, MANAGE it.
First & foremost - I will recite the 12 steps in my mind.
Then I like to turn to my step working guide, exercise, music, and/or reading.
Whatever of these activities best 'gets me out of myself' for the moment, and the next moment.
Break the train of thought, confuse your disease with mental activity.
Alot of times my mind is a bad neighborhood and I shouldn't be in there alone - get with other people.
No, don't accept it, fight it, divert it, MANAGE it.
Last edited by tommyk; 06-18-2009 at 08:10 AM.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay, after reading in the other thread what this is 'really' about ................................... something I started to learn in early recovery:
We no longer walk all over people, nor do we allow them to walk all over us.
Don't get a resentment when someone doesn't fulfill an expectation of mine, this will only bring my anger out.
After right about the anger of the moment, and discussing it with my sponsor, and if there was legitimate reason for it ................................... I could then get even ............................. LEGALLY.
Found out how to go to Small Claims Court, do my own paper work and get a judgement. Once I had "The Judgement" wow there was lots I could do to get my money, including freezing their banks accounts, and it was amazing how quickly I got paid. lol
First time I had to do this, I was maybe 4 months sober, trying to collect monies for worrk done in my first month of sobriety, and yes I needed that money, not only to pay current bills, but to keep my commitments I had made to my creditors of old bills. Folks in the fellowship were extremely helpful in walking me through the process.
This particular event was also the first of many times I heard the following from Hugh D:
"What is he/she/it/they not doing, that I want he/she/it/they to do, when I want he/she/it/they to do it, TO MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Dang he blew me out of the water with that one!!!!!! Time and time again, lmao. But I did learn a lot about my own expectations, and how to dot all my i's and cross all my t's, and then if the "he/she/it/they" did not 'fulfill' their obligation I did have excellent 'recourse' through the legal system. Oh and BTW that gets much better results than me going and beating them up or blowing up their vehicle or something (and that was my way for many years, I was EXTREMELY VOLATILE). I don't go to jail that way. lol
Anger and resentments are luxuries this alkie cannot afford.
The anger and resentment you are feeling right now, I would suspect are at yourself also, for 'trusting' them, etc. How about you try the old standby?
Pray for each person, to have everything they ever wanted, for 14 days straight. Now, if you miss a day, you have to start over.
Let me tell you it didn't take me very long, to change how I looked at things, including 'praying for 14 days straight' for someone else. After a few "start overs", it became very easy to Let Go of the anger and resentment and Let God. How did I let God? I did the footwork, filed the paperwork, and let the Courts decide. Or if it wasn't a legal issue, I mentally wished the person well and got on with my life. I didn't need to be giving them space in my head rent free.
Your sponsor can guide you in this D, but in order to make it work, you got to 'put the plug in the jug' and leave it there.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
We no longer walk all over people, nor do we allow them to walk all over us.
Don't get a resentment when someone doesn't fulfill an expectation of mine, this will only bring my anger out.
After right about the anger of the moment, and discussing it with my sponsor, and if there was legitimate reason for it ................................... I could then get even ............................. LEGALLY.
Found out how to go to Small Claims Court, do my own paper work and get a judgement. Once I had "The Judgement" wow there was lots I could do to get my money, including freezing their banks accounts, and it was amazing how quickly I got paid. lol
First time I had to do this, I was maybe 4 months sober, trying to collect monies for worrk done in my first month of sobriety, and yes I needed that money, not only to pay current bills, but to keep my commitments I had made to my creditors of old bills. Folks in the fellowship were extremely helpful in walking me through the process.
This particular event was also the first of many times I heard the following from Hugh D:
"What is he/she/it/they not doing, that I want he/she/it/they to do, when I want he/she/it/they to do it, TO MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Dang he blew me out of the water with that one!!!!!! Time and time again, lmao. But I did learn a lot about my own expectations, and how to dot all my i's and cross all my t's, and then if the "he/she/it/they" did not 'fulfill' their obligation I did have excellent 'recourse' through the legal system. Oh and BTW that gets much better results than me going and beating them up or blowing up their vehicle or something (and that was my way for many years, I was EXTREMELY VOLATILE). I don't go to jail that way. lol
Anger and resentments are luxuries this alkie cannot afford.
The anger and resentment you are feeling right now, I would suspect are at yourself also, for 'trusting' them, etc. How about you try the old standby?
Pray for each person, to have everything they ever wanted, for 14 days straight. Now, if you miss a day, you have to start over.
Let me tell you it didn't take me very long, to change how I looked at things, including 'praying for 14 days straight' for someone else. After a few "start overs", it became very easy to Let Go of the anger and resentment and Let God. How did I let God? I did the footwork, filed the paperwork, and let the Courts decide. Or if it wasn't a legal issue, I mentally wished the person well and got on with my life. I didn't need to be giving them space in my head rent free.
Your sponsor can guide you in this D, but in order to make it work, you got to 'put the plug in the jug' and leave it there.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
I find putting a large steel pot on my head & banging it with a wooden spoon works wonders... but then my head hurts
My favorite saying out loud & to myself when things get to me "It is what it is" Just seems to release it for me... sometimes there is nothing that you can do but release it.
Hope today is a better day for you FS
A
NB
My favorite saying out loud & to myself when things get to me "It is what it is" Just seems to release it for me... sometimes there is nothing that you can do but release it.
Hope today is a better day for you FS
ANB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
You must deep down enjoy being angry. Why else would you let all this stuff send you off the deep end? If you stick w/ AA for a while and start paying attention, you'll come to realize that there are no mistakes in God's world. Everything is exactly as it's supposed to be at that particular moment in time. If you begin to accept that, then you won't allow circumstances to anger you. You will be able to take total control over how you feel.
Like the Taz, I believe very strongly in the Serenity Prayer. If you say it often enough, and if you take back control of how you feel, then you're going to find serenity. And then you can serenely walk into the courtroom and sue their a***s off.
Like the Taz, I believe very strongly in the Serenity Prayer. If you say it often enough, and if you take back control of how you feel, then you're going to find serenity. And then you can serenely walk into the courtroom and sue their a***s off.
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Lot of great posts here. Taking it all in. Just a question.
I honestly thought it was healthy to feel your feelings. If you have a legitimate reason to be angry, then be angry. I've only passed step 1 so clearly I have a long way to go. That is of course, if I decide to choose to follow the 12-step program.
Anyhow, good on you firestorm - for being a human being and also the cat thing.
I honestly thought it was healthy to feel your feelings. If you have a legitimate reason to be angry, then be angry. I've only passed step 1 so clearly I have a long way to go. That is of course, if I decide to choose to follow the 12-step program.
Anyhow, good on you firestorm - for being a human being and also the cat thing.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by firestorm090 
I posted a thread about to hell with it, but I don't want to say the hell with it. I want retaliation, I want to hurt those who don't treat me right!!!! I'm beside myself, can't sleep, am sick of unkept promises and bull sh*t!! I want to bust a couple heads. The anger is overwhelming, I sincerely hate these people and am sick of them. I went bald years ago, but if I still had hair, I'd be yanking it out over these morons. Arghhhhhh. Gosh, how do you let go of such ferocity? My blood is boiling, and to think these are grown men I'm dealing with, liars, cheats, freaks. No More!!
Please help.
Please help.
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