Day 4 - shivering in a corner
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Day 4 - shivering in a corner
I just got back from the gym. I was late and it stressed me out so much. I was supposed to be there earlier so I could fill out the paperwork and pay for my membership plus do my measurements and work out a routine. I arrived half an hour late, so we rushed through the paperwork and measurements (me no like, bad medicine) and booked in the rest for friday.
I kept apologising and zoning out. I told the trainer repeatedly I gave up smoking a few days ago so I was a little anxious and stressed. She seemed pretty ok with it. She did well to be so patient will my bulls**t ha ha the poor girl. At least we got to talking about starting my training this week and flushing out toxins etc.
It was so hard down there. I was so confused and anxious I had trouble speaking properly, processing words, we were trying to work out a payment plan for my membership and personal trainer, all the numbers just confused me so much. Arrrghhhh making conversation wasn't even in the cards today, no way billy ray.
I back home now. Still very proud of myself for going this far cold turkey. I feel a little better now I'm back home and I'm STOKED I don't have to work today. I'm supposed to work tomorrow at 8am, I thought about calling in sick or trying to swap my shift, but I'll feel like a failure if I do that. I don't want to feel like a wuss this time, I can handle anything, give me your best shot satan.
I want to spend the day wrapped up in my cosy bed with my kitty, watching cartoons and scrubs. I'm able to stomach food today, big plus!
I've hit the stage where most things are starting to remind me of something negative from my past. People I see, words I hear, they are triggering things in my brain and bringing up traumatic events from my past. It's like I'm struggling to not hate everyone and everything I see.
I'm jealous of everybody right now. I hate the feeling of envy or jealousy. Envy is a sin. One of the things that caused me to cave on previous recovery attempts was I couldn't deal with information like, "It's not fair that he gets to do that and I can't" or whatever.
I know life isn't fair, and normally I'm okay with it. In fact, I love life in general, I really do! Just having a harder time today. It's going to take all of my energy to just try and stay calm and relaxed. If I do get seriously angry there's always the punching bag in my garage, but I'm afraid if I go out there I'll hurt myself or tire myself out then I'll just get depressed.
I kept apologising and zoning out. I told the trainer repeatedly I gave up smoking a few days ago so I was a little anxious and stressed. She seemed pretty ok with it. She did well to be so patient will my bulls**t ha ha the poor girl. At least we got to talking about starting my training this week and flushing out toxins etc.
It was so hard down there. I was so confused and anxious I had trouble speaking properly, processing words, we were trying to work out a payment plan for my membership and personal trainer, all the numbers just confused me so much. Arrrghhhh making conversation wasn't even in the cards today, no way billy ray.
I back home now. Still very proud of myself for going this far cold turkey. I feel a little better now I'm back home and I'm STOKED I don't have to work today. I'm supposed to work tomorrow at 8am, I thought about calling in sick or trying to swap my shift, but I'll feel like a failure if I do that. I don't want to feel like a wuss this time, I can handle anything, give me your best shot satan.
I want to spend the day wrapped up in my cosy bed with my kitty, watching cartoons and scrubs. I'm able to stomach food today, big plus!
I've hit the stage where most things are starting to remind me of something negative from my past. People I see, words I hear, they are triggering things in my brain and bringing up traumatic events from my past. It's like I'm struggling to not hate everyone and everything I see.
I'm jealous of everybody right now. I hate the feeling of envy or jealousy. Envy is a sin. One of the things that caused me to cave on previous recovery attempts was I couldn't deal with information like, "It's not fair that he gets to do that and I can't" or whatever.
I know life isn't fair, and normally I'm okay with it. In fact, I love life in general, I really do! Just having a harder time today. It's going to take all of my energy to just try and stay calm and relaxed. If I do get seriously angry there's always the punching bag in my garage, but I'm afraid if I go out there I'll hurt myself or tire myself out then I'll just get depressed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi SB,
I'm right there with you, maybe not shivering in a corner, but definitely zoning out in front of this computer. I keep having to reread things and thank goodness for the backspace key, or my posts would look like Chinese.
Signing up at the gym is the easy part, the hard part to me is showing up to do the deal. You're ahead of me there, and I'm interested in how it goes for you, so keep us up to date.
Hang in there, it's tuff stuff, but we can do this.
I'm right there with you, maybe not shivering in a corner, but definitely zoning out in front of this computer. I keep having to reread things and thank goodness for the backspace key, or my posts would look like Chinese.
Signing up at the gym is the easy part, the hard part to me is showing up to do the deal. You're ahead of me there, and I'm interested in how it goes for you, so keep us up to date.
Hang in there, it's tuff stuff, but we can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Houston
Posts: 309
I'm pretty new to sobriety, but what I can tell you so far is that it will get easier. It's not everyone's cup o' tea, as they say, but have you considered meetings? It helps to kind of sort through all muck that runs through your head. Congrats on 4 days! Hope you stick around. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
definatley unloading some of what's going in your head, and venting it out is a good thing, so keep posting....hopefully things will get easier....with time...i know i hate hearing that, but what other choice is there??? i've learned it's a lot easier dealing with **** when i just accept where i'm at and realize the only thing i can do to make anything better is to move foward and relax...tomorrow's coming wheather i want to face it or not, so as long as i'm trying, and i know i'm making an effort to better things, this acceptance and moving foward attitude makes it a lot easier. i don't know...you have to find your own combination of things that work for you...i'm still looking for mine, i definately have most of it....good luck!! stay strong and be proud of what you are doing!!
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
You feel me firestorm. I feel you. I called a counsellor and she gave me some simple things to get me through today. Meditation, grounding, ways to stop my mind racing and the anxiety without resorting to benzos. Are you signing up for the gym aswell?
I just couldn't concentrate on cartoons anymore. I freaked out, had an anxiety attack. I'm considering visiting a GP this evening, just to talk about if there are any other medication options available besides the benzo to help. I don't want to even go see a GP, but the counsellor I spoke to strongly suggested I do.
I imagined my cold turkey detox as something like the movie 'The Basketball Diaries' with Leonardo Dicaprio. For those of you who've seen it, you know what I mean. And I've had my moments curled up and screaming, crying, tears running down my face, rolling in agony. But after talking to the counsellor I realised I don't have to be in that much agony and medication isn't my only option. If you haven't seen the movie, go see it, especially if you are new to recovery, powerful film I thought.
I just couldn't concentrate on cartoons anymore. I freaked out, had an anxiety attack. I'm considering visiting a GP this evening, just to talk about if there are any other medication options available besides the benzo to help. I don't want to even go see a GP, but the counsellor I spoke to strongly suggested I do.
I imagined my cold turkey detox as something like the movie 'The Basketball Diaries' with Leonardo Dicaprio. For those of you who've seen it, you know what I mean. And I've had my moments curled up and screaming, crying, tears running down my face, rolling in agony. But after talking to the counsellor I realised I don't have to be in that much agony and medication isn't my only option. If you haven't seen the movie, go see it, especially if you are new to recovery, powerful film I thought.
13 May 2009
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 83
sillybilly it will pass soon, it gets really intense and then it fades in and out for a while and eventually it will go and you will be left..the real you!
I will tell you a funny story, I was feeling really anxious on Sunday afternoon and so I went to see the Dog Whisperer, nice wholesome, non alcoholic event. Freezing in Sydney so I put on a hat before I went out. I sat through the first half of the show with leg cramps and my head itching like crazy. B/c I have had so many crazy symptoms lately, I told myself I was not going to give in and start scratching and behaving like a freak in public. Finally at interval the itchy hat become too much and I decided to take it off, when I took it off I felt a really painful bite on my head, I looked in the hat and there was a massive house spider, obviously trying to get out of my hat the whole time and gently biting my scalp!!! Beacuase I have had so many freaky symptoms I kept ignoring it!
I felt oddly very calm, after going through detox getting bitten on the head by a spider during the dog whisperer was stragely comforting in its realness, I squashed the spider b/w 2 credit cards (so it could be identified for the righ anti venom) and I went back to the concert.....I just have a red bump and a sore head!
One things for sure after detox you are pretty damn tough! Hang in there Sillybilly!!
I will tell you a funny story, I was feeling really anxious on Sunday afternoon and so I went to see the Dog Whisperer, nice wholesome, non alcoholic event. Freezing in Sydney so I put on a hat before I went out. I sat through the first half of the show with leg cramps and my head itching like crazy. B/c I have had so many crazy symptoms lately, I told myself I was not going to give in and start scratching and behaving like a freak in public. Finally at interval the itchy hat become too much and I decided to take it off, when I took it off I felt a really painful bite on my head, I looked in the hat and there was a massive house spider, obviously trying to get out of my hat the whole time and gently biting my scalp!!! Beacuase I have had so many freaky symptoms I kept ignoring it!
I felt oddly very calm, after going through detox getting bitten on the head by a spider during the dog whisperer was stragely comforting in its realness, I squashed the spider b/w 2 credit cards (so it could be identified for the righ anti venom) and I went back to the concert.....I just have a red bump and a sore head!
One things for sure after detox you are pretty damn tough! Hang in there Sillybilly!!
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
A truly wonderful thing has happened 
I went for a nice, slow, quiet walk around the block. I found myself picking up litter along the way. It reminded me of primary-school when the teachers made you pick up rubbish in the school yard for detention or littering.
I enjoyed it so much I slowed my pace. At first I was looking at the houses, then I found myself looking up into the trees. As I neared my street, I noticed myself stopping to smell flowers on trees and bushes. I wanted to keep going, I was feeling great.
I crossed over to the new estate. They turned a smelly old creek on a farmland into a great big fake lake with a playground, trees and a walkway. As I approached the lake, I noticed a man playing with his two kids on the swing-set. It made me smile, and wonder what it'll be like when I have children of my own.
I paused to rest on a park bench and watch the birds. After watching the birds for a while and admiring everything around me, I suddenly fell into deep thought. Thinking about times from childhood before all my messing around, thinking of past relationships, thinking how many people are out in the world, how I tried to change things about my partners lol.
During my late teens I started dating a younger girl I worked with. I ended up leaving for a higher-paying job and because I was senior staff, which weren't allowed to fraternise with crew.
We lost out virginity to each other. So we had a lot of fun experimenting and exploring the world of sex. One of many pleasant memories I'm glad I still have. I'm not ashamed to admit this one, you might laugh. I was always trying to get her to wear jeans. I just loved girls in skin-tight jeans and she never wore jeans, it bugged the hell outta me ha ha ha ha.
When staring up at the clouds, I was so relaxed I started seeing those little bacteria things (I think they are anyway) those little white dots, that whizz around in circles when you are totally relaxed and staring. The pattern they were forming reminded me of a kaleidoscope, and it got me thinking, 'oh right, so that's probably where all those cool kaleidoscope-like colourful visuals you sometimes get from hallucinogens.'
It made me realise the visuals weren't all that special really. I used to think so during my party days, but it's not magic or anything special, it's just science. I suppose I could look it up but I don't really see the point.
I still feel wonderful. Amazing what a good walk can do. I so happy it re-kindled my love with deep thought. It's been a very long time since I've enjoyed a good think. Sober living, I'm so looking forward to it!
I went for a nice, slow, quiet walk around the block. I found myself picking up litter along the way. It reminded me of primary-school when the teachers made you pick up rubbish in the school yard for detention or littering.
I enjoyed it so much I slowed my pace. At first I was looking at the houses, then I found myself looking up into the trees. As I neared my street, I noticed myself stopping to smell flowers on trees and bushes. I wanted to keep going, I was feeling great.
I crossed over to the new estate. They turned a smelly old creek on a farmland into a great big fake lake with a playground, trees and a walkway. As I approached the lake, I noticed a man playing with his two kids on the swing-set. It made me smile, and wonder what it'll be like when I have children of my own.
I paused to rest on a park bench and watch the birds. After watching the birds for a while and admiring everything around me, I suddenly fell into deep thought. Thinking about times from childhood before all my messing around, thinking of past relationships, thinking how many people are out in the world, how I tried to change things about my partners lol.
During my late teens I started dating a younger girl I worked with. I ended up leaving for a higher-paying job and because I was senior staff, which weren't allowed to fraternise with crew.
We lost out virginity to each other. So we had a lot of fun experimenting and exploring the world of sex. One of many pleasant memories I'm glad I still have. I'm not ashamed to admit this one, you might laugh. I was always trying to get her to wear jeans. I just loved girls in skin-tight jeans and she never wore jeans, it bugged the hell outta me ha ha ha ha.
When staring up at the clouds, I was so relaxed I started seeing those little bacteria things (I think they are anyway) those little white dots, that whizz around in circles when you are totally relaxed and staring. The pattern they were forming reminded me of a kaleidoscope, and it got me thinking, 'oh right, so that's probably where all those cool kaleidoscope-like colourful visuals you sometimes get from hallucinogens.'
It made me realise the visuals weren't all that special really. I used to think so during my party days, but it's not magic or anything special, it's just science. I suppose I could look it up but I don't really see the point.
I still feel wonderful. Amazing what a good walk can do. I so happy it re-kindled my love with deep thought. It's been a very long time since I've enjoyed a good think. Sober living, I'm so looking forward to it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: atlanta georgia
Posts: 5
i love gyms
i love gyms because they give you the venue to work out frustrations that are bottled up.......the rush of good hormones afterwards also does help your mood tremendously (experts help me out i forgot the name of them).........
the other day i was so upset and just feeling downright low about so many things i had done........i listened to my favorite album on my mp3 and cried it out on the elliptical......maybe everyone thought i was sweating, who cares but no one bothered me or even looked at me funny. The hardest thing about going to workout is just getting there---once youre into a workout or done you feel a whole lot better....Last thing maybe you could ask your trainer not to cling to closely for right now, maybe walking it out on the treadmill and reflecting alone while you get your thoughts together is a better idea
the other day i was so upset and just feeling downright low about so many things i had done........i listened to my favorite album on my mp3 and cried it out on the elliptical......maybe everyone thought i was sweating, who cares but no one bothered me or even looked at me funny. The hardest thing about going to workout is just getting there---once youre into a workout or done you feel a whole lot better....Last thing maybe you could ask your trainer not to cling to closely for right now, maybe walking it out on the treadmill and reflecting alone while you get your thoughts together is a better idea
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Endorphins, and possibly adrenaline. I'm no expert.
There are just so many great things about exercise that I'm not going to list them all here because I have to go to work.
Buh-bye
There are just so many great things about exercise that I'm not going to list them all here because I have to go to work.
Buh-bye
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