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Join Date: Mar 2005
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time to work ona defect of character
I started out the day with positive action, but quickly reacted to the boss and became provocative and gloated in my own power to rattle his cage. A step backward…so now is the time to get back on track and to move forward by practicing right action.
I’m still sitting with the aftermath of my morning games. I’m still feeling heavy and alone and filled with seeing fault in every one. I know this will pass or that I will work through or move through it, but damn. It’s good that I’m still sitting with it. Perhaps I will be all the more determined to continue on my right path. This clowning around and being Mr. Smarty pants is not a way that I have to be anymore. Am I ready to give this up? And if so then how do I stop doing it? How do I catch myself? I will stop doing it by stopping; I will catch myself by noticing. As I have gotten better at refraining from gossip I can expand upon my defect removal in this area. I guess I have some already, but today I’ve seen the results of this tendency of mine, and I want to make a more conscious effort to let go of this defect of character. I have this sense of wanting to push others’ buttons and push them into anger or embarrassment—sometimes I do this by trying to be funny, but usually there is always something about me being better than the other. So I must to continue to see that we are all connected and to further live as if it was my truth.
Sometimes I like to think that it’s not so important to believe in things. For example it is not so important for me to have to have a certain belief in “God”. In other words I’ve noticed that I have a lower tendency of defining what god is or isn’t compared to others around me. But there is one thing that I perhaps “believe” in and that is that WE are all connected. That rings true in me. I wrote those words upon a picture that I drew a couple of years ago and I still have the picture and the words are in my Heart. I think of the words and of their truth often.
Funny that this very belief conflicts deeply with my character defect of enjoying to push others’ buttons and also my character defect of being Mr. Smarty Pants and often of mixing these together. In my past life to this point, I haven’t thought much about if I’ve hurt others when I do this kind of behavior, and I have not noticed how much hurt that it causes me. Perhaps I’ve felt the hurt in the past, but just wasn’t in touch with it or that it was caused by this behavior. But today I saw the correlation very clearly. Before my little provoking session I was feeling pretty good: I had completed a good morning routine with meditation then left home and drove to work very mindfully and feeling at one with the world and everything was cool until I first heard the orders being barked out of my bosses mouth. I was put out at hearing the orders because they were “stupid”, and then in one instant my mind went into another gear and knew what I was going to do. I was going to **** with my boss and as a result I would get him all the more flustered and uptight than he already is, because I think that I know how to push his buttons. I did. The end result was not a big deal it seemed, except for the quality of my day. I probably didn’t affect his day very much, but mind took a major turn and has been rolling around on the lower end of the curve all day long. What could I have done for the universe today if I had made a different choice this morning and simply been kind to my boss?
I’m still sitting with the aftermath of my morning games. I’m still feeling heavy and alone and filled with seeing fault in every one. I know this will pass or that I will work through or move through it, but damn. It’s good that I’m still sitting with it. Perhaps I will be all the more determined to continue on my right path. This clowning around and being Mr. Smarty pants is not a way that I have to be anymore. Am I ready to give this up? And if so then how do I stop doing it? How do I catch myself? I will stop doing it by stopping; I will catch myself by noticing. As I have gotten better at refraining from gossip I can expand upon my defect removal in this area. I guess I have some already, but today I’ve seen the results of this tendency of mine, and I want to make a more conscious effort to let go of this defect of character. I have this sense of wanting to push others’ buttons and push them into anger or embarrassment—sometimes I do this by trying to be funny, but usually there is always something about me being better than the other. So I must to continue to see that we are all connected and to further live as if it was my truth.
Sometimes I like to think that it’s not so important to believe in things. For example it is not so important for me to have to have a certain belief in “God”. In other words I’ve noticed that I have a lower tendency of defining what god is or isn’t compared to others around me. But there is one thing that I perhaps “believe” in and that is that WE are all connected. That rings true in me. I wrote those words upon a picture that I drew a couple of years ago and I still have the picture and the words are in my Heart. I think of the words and of their truth often.
Funny that this very belief conflicts deeply with my character defect of enjoying to push others’ buttons and also my character defect of being Mr. Smarty Pants and often of mixing these together. In my past life to this point, I haven’t thought much about if I’ve hurt others when I do this kind of behavior, and I have not noticed how much hurt that it causes me. Perhaps I’ve felt the hurt in the past, but just wasn’t in touch with it or that it was caused by this behavior. But today I saw the correlation very clearly. Before my little provoking session I was feeling pretty good: I had completed a good morning routine with meditation then left home and drove to work very mindfully and feeling at one with the world and everything was cool until I first heard the orders being barked out of my bosses mouth. I was put out at hearing the orders because they were “stupid”, and then in one instant my mind went into another gear and knew what I was going to do. I was going to **** with my boss and as a result I would get him all the more flustered and uptight than he already is, because I think that I know how to push his buttons. I did. The end result was not a big deal it seemed, except for the quality of my day. I probably didn’t affect his day very much, but mind took a major turn and has been rolling around on the lower end of the curve all day long. What could I have done for the universe today if I had made a different choice this morning and simply been kind to my boss?
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