difficult days ahead
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1
difficult days ahead
Hi,
I am 48 years old and drank / drugged morning , noon, and night for almost 30 years. Now I would be approaching my 4th year sober but in May I had two molars go bad (those of you my age may remember how many fillings we used to get , and know how they are now likely to be crumbling finally).
I knew that I would enjoy the vicodin immensely but I rationalized that with a limited supply I could enjoy a sort of 'narcotic holiday'. But I soon discovered that my bad molars were like free tickets to scripts. My teeth didn't hurt so bad that OTC pills couldn't help, but they looked bad and soon I was traveling from dentist to dentist, and between this town's three E.R.s , keeping myself in constant supply.
I prayed but kept my prayers vague (ha). And all the while I knew the day would come when finally one tooth would be pulled and the other would be saved by a root canal.
That finally has happened. I have my teeth fixed! This recession didn't prevent me from becoming toothless after all!
But now, I swear, I could actually sob into my pillow I think. I haven't any way to convince a doctor or dentist to give me more pills. Thankfully I"m not tempted to drink (I know there's a great danger of that). And yet..I dread my return to sobriety.
I cannot remember the little innocent pleasures I had before this came up.
The vicodin seemed to invigorate me, somehow. I think I have been a dry-drunk. I go to meetings , or did , but was never sociable (shy all my life). I lived in Oxford Houses for two years but moved out last Fall. Until now, I was doing fine, I thought.
I don't know what to ask. I avoid anti-depressants. I have been taking klonopin for ten years at the same dose and that now, is simply not to suffer the anguish of Klonopin withdrawal. I have no one to talk to because I don't click with anyone in AA or NA, incapable of small talk and frankly, easily bored. I don't fit in.
My worst fear tomorrow is becoming obsessed and trying to get more even though I will surely be turned down, with no physical symptoms of being in pain. I have searched the internet for ways to order narcotics online, but I KNOW an unlimited supply would be the death of me.
I think I 'know' the answers to my own questions except how to control my emotions: it sounds crazy but this is damned SORROW and LOSS I'm facing. In 45 days I was having the happiest days I've had in four years, I believe. I don't support the legalization of any drugs , except for me
apparently.
This is all happening after a breakup with my girlfriend of two years, and coincidentally I am 'furloughed' from my job. Too much time.
I worry that I don't like people much. I always rush out at the end of meetings for fear of small talk. I feel conspicuous for this, which makes it even worse.
thanks for reading
D
I am 48 years old and drank / drugged morning , noon, and night for almost 30 years. Now I would be approaching my 4th year sober but in May I had two molars go bad (those of you my age may remember how many fillings we used to get , and know how they are now likely to be crumbling finally).
I knew that I would enjoy the vicodin immensely but I rationalized that with a limited supply I could enjoy a sort of 'narcotic holiday'. But I soon discovered that my bad molars were like free tickets to scripts. My teeth didn't hurt so bad that OTC pills couldn't help, but they looked bad and soon I was traveling from dentist to dentist, and between this town's three E.R.s , keeping myself in constant supply.
I prayed but kept my prayers vague (ha). And all the while I knew the day would come when finally one tooth would be pulled and the other would be saved by a root canal.
That finally has happened. I have my teeth fixed! This recession didn't prevent me from becoming toothless after all!
But now, I swear, I could actually sob into my pillow I think. I haven't any way to convince a doctor or dentist to give me more pills. Thankfully I"m not tempted to drink (I know there's a great danger of that). And yet..I dread my return to sobriety.
I cannot remember the little innocent pleasures I had before this came up.
The vicodin seemed to invigorate me, somehow. I think I have been a dry-drunk. I go to meetings , or did , but was never sociable (shy all my life). I lived in Oxford Houses for two years but moved out last Fall. Until now, I was doing fine, I thought.
I don't know what to ask. I avoid anti-depressants. I have been taking klonopin for ten years at the same dose and that now, is simply not to suffer the anguish of Klonopin withdrawal. I have no one to talk to because I don't click with anyone in AA or NA, incapable of small talk and frankly, easily bored. I don't fit in.
My worst fear tomorrow is becoming obsessed and trying to get more even though I will surely be turned down, with no physical symptoms of being in pain. I have searched the internet for ways to order narcotics online, but I KNOW an unlimited supply would be the death of me.
I think I 'know' the answers to my own questions except how to control my emotions: it sounds crazy but this is damned SORROW and LOSS I'm facing. In 45 days I was having the happiest days I've had in four years, I believe. I don't support the legalization of any drugs , except for me
apparently. This is all happening after a breakup with my girlfriend of two years, and coincidentally I am 'furloughed' from my job. Too much time.
I worry that I don't like people much. I always rush out at the end of meetings for fear of small talk. I feel conspicuous for this, which makes it even worse.
thanks for reading
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 138
Hi and welcome. I pretty new here and am a drunk and have never had any problem with pills so I can't offer you any advice. Just want to welcome you.
This is a great site and someone will respond that can help you.
This is a great site and someone will respond that can help you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad you have joined us.....
I too have no experience with abuse of pain meds.
I'm an AA recovered alcoholic.
I can tell you that my sobriety turned into recovery
when I began my Step work.
Sorry to know of your difficulties ....
I too have no experience with abuse of pain meds.
I'm an AA recovered alcoholic.
I can tell you that my sobriety turned into recovery
when I began my Step work.
Sorry to know of your difficulties ....
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Yeah I used to love pills too, and liquor, and most anything else that f'd me up.. I'd run out of pills and ways to scheme and scam for them, I'd get illegal drugs because they were easy. Heroin, crack, coke, weed, X, hell.. probably some things I don't even know about. so I totally understand where you're coming from, and at the same time.. reading this makes me incredibly uncomfortable, because it hits so close to home. My issue, certainly not yours!
I wonder if, when you become more secure in your decision to commit to sobriety, that you might find a way to like the people that have been doing it for years, and can support you along the way. I know when I was still using, "thinking" about quitting, I simply wasn't done, and I could say I didn't like people, I was shy, I didn't like groups.. but really, I didn't want to get and stay sober or have anyone to be even in the smallest way accountable to.
I had to step outside my comfort zone a LOT to get sober. I had to (as cliche as it sounds) be willing to do and try anything to get here. SO WHAT if I wasn't comfortable with it, SO WHAT if I didn't really like talking to people or working a program.. I had to do anything I could..and I am so thankful that I did. Plus, I did find I actually kinda like people, my drugs didn't.
I hope you find what works for you, just don't be afraid to make yourself uneasy to get to where you really want to be, if you want it.
I wonder if, when you become more secure in your decision to commit to sobriety, that you might find a way to like the people that have been doing it for years, and can support you along the way. I know when I was still using, "thinking" about quitting, I simply wasn't done, and I could say I didn't like people, I was shy, I didn't like groups.. but really, I didn't want to get and stay sober or have anyone to be even in the smallest way accountable to.
I had to step outside my comfort zone a LOT to get sober. I had to (as cliche as it sounds) be willing to do and try anything to get here. SO WHAT if I wasn't comfortable with it, SO WHAT if I didn't really like talking to people or working a program.. I had to do anything I could..and I am so thankful that I did. Plus, I did find I actually kinda like people, my drugs didn't.
I hope you find what works for you, just don't be afraid to make yourself uneasy to get to where you really want to be, if you want it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi,
Good for4 you recognizing you are in a vulnerable situation.
I was controlled by my emotions for most of my life. I felt like I was bouncing around on a stormy ocean and that I had no control at all. I have learned in recovery, that emotions are just feelings. They don't need to overwhelm you. You can feel the emotion, accept it for what it is, and then let it go.
I hope you take a look around here and read and learn.
Good for4 you recognizing you are in a vulnerable situation.
I was controlled by my emotions for most of my life. I felt like I was bouncing around on a stormy ocean and that I had no control at all. I have learned in recovery, that emotions are just feelings. They don't need to overwhelm you. You can feel the emotion, accept it for what it is, and then let it go.
I hope you take a look around here and read and learn.
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