Trying to Understand
Bigred7
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 12
Trying to Understand
I have had a very bad 6-months. I became aware I am an alcoholic. Never did I believe it could happen to me. People around me say, Your not an alcoholic, I know what they are. You just cant drink. Duh! Alcoholic, right.
I have been going to meetings daily, I have a sponsor, I have support. My problem is letting go of what I destroyed. She is so devistated. She moved out, she has cried so hard there are no more tears left. We lie together at night in bed, as she has invited me over and now I have compulsed into that as well. I do the right thing and always ask, "When can I see you again". She responds "Tonight". She is so focused on the hurt and pain I caused her. It was devistatingly bad. All I can do is want it back. I do not know if that will ever take place. She tells me to my face that she loves me. She holds me in her arms and makes sweet love with me. Afterwords she go's back to the pain and sorrrw of depression. Her life is so upside down. She says she can not think of ever touching another man and at the same time, she is so angry with herself for allowing me to get to the point of destuctive behavior. I have no crystal ball. I want nothing but joy and happiness for her. I have been pushing and I think I need to stop. But I am so madly in love with her and I can not find an answer for why I was so awful except for the alcohol and my emotional problems. She thinks I am not an alcoholic. I do. She thinks I am no longer trustworthy, I tell her I am the same man she fell in love with, I just went away for a while and the alcohol was like throwing gasolene on a fire. I see my therapist for first time tomorrow. Real interested in what he has to say.
I have never felt so bad about myself and what I have done to such a wonderful woman. She never deserved this. I accept full resposibility for what I have done. I have told her so. She is struggling so hard to sleep. She has nightmares of running away from me chasing her in my rage. I feel terrible.
:praying
I have been going to meetings daily, I have a sponsor, I have support. My problem is letting go of what I destroyed. She is so devistated. She moved out, she has cried so hard there are no more tears left. We lie together at night in bed, as she has invited me over and now I have compulsed into that as well. I do the right thing and always ask, "When can I see you again". She responds "Tonight". She is so focused on the hurt and pain I caused her. It was devistatingly bad. All I can do is want it back. I do not know if that will ever take place. She tells me to my face that she loves me. She holds me in her arms and makes sweet love with me. Afterwords she go's back to the pain and sorrrw of depression. Her life is so upside down. She says she can not think of ever touching another man and at the same time, she is so angry with herself for allowing me to get to the point of destuctive behavior. I have no crystal ball. I want nothing but joy and happiness for her. I have been pushing and I think I need to stop. But I am so madly in love with her and I can not find an answer for why I was so awful except for the alcohol and my emotional problems. She thinks I am not an alcoholic. I do. She thinks I am no longer trustworthy, I tell her I am the same man she fell in love with, I just went away for a while and the alcohol was like throwing gasolene on a fire. I see my therapist for first time tomorrow. Real interested in what he has to say.
I have never felt so bad about myself and what I have done to such a wonderful woman. She never deserved this. I accept full resposibility for what I have done. I have told her so. She is struggling so hard to sleep. She has nightmares of running away from me chasing her in my rage. I feel terrible.
:praying 
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
You have the power to *try* and make things right.
Getting sober is a good start. Give it some time, it'll be a process.
Also know you can't pummel yourself into setting things right. You'll find AA is not a parade of downers. It's about coming to terms with your self and finding out your truer purpose. You just have to cooperate by not kicking yourself when you're already down. I know it must be hard not to.
Getting sober is a good start. Give it some time, it'll be a process.
Also know you can't pummel yourself into setting things right. You'll find AA is not a parade of downers. It's about coming to terms with your self and finding out your truer purpose. You just have to cooperate by not kicking yourself when you're already down. I know it must be hard not to.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
From what you have said here, Red..she can't let go. She blames herself for allowing you
to "get to the point of destructive behavior" that you struck her in a black out drunk.
She does not believe you are alcoholic. This comes from fear. The fear of losing you
altogether, and the fear of extreme change. For you to get well..she will have to
get well. Instead of the happy life she envisioned..in order for it to work now,
it will take much hard work. Separately.
You are both affected by the disease of alcoholism.
Sex cannot fix the problem..it is but a substitute, temporary, and as you and she
are finding out..the pain and depression is still there after, maybe deeper than before.
Recovery is the answer..and I am so glad you are getting help. Without recovery..
there is no "you", no BigRed to have a new life free from bondage and free to know
and enjoy healthy relationships.
She needs recovery just as much, if not more than you. I hope she goes to Alanon
and or therapy. As she has been abused, and she has..needs this now.
But this up to her, Big.
My best to in your efforts. Welcome to SR!
And don't give up, no matter what!
to "get to the point of destructive behavior" that you struck her in a black out drunk.
She does not believe you are alcoholic. This comes from fear. The fear of losing you
altogether, and the fear of extreme change. For you to get well..she will have to
get well. Instead of the happy life she envisioned..in order for it to work now,
it will take much hard work. Separately.
You are both affected by the disease of alcoholism.
Sex cannot fix the problem..it is but a substitute, temporary, and as you and she
are finding out..the pain and depression is still there after, maybe deeper than before.
Recovery is the answer..and I am so glad you are getting help. Without recovery..
there is no "you", no BigRed to have a new life free from bondage and free to know
and enjoy healthy relationships.
She needs recovery just as much, if not more than you. I hope she goes to Alanon
and or therapy. As she has been abused, and she has..needs this now.
But this up to her, Big.
My best to in your efforts. Welcome to SR!
And don't give up, no matter what!
Bigred7
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 12
Ty for your inspirational words. I feel that now I am a compulsive beliver in healinfg myself through AA. My fears are now for her happiness, her well being. I hear that she still loves me and is so devistated by this. Just got a phone call from the therapist that informed me I should think of in-patient help. I was shocked. I do not have the resources to do this. I do have the resource to do AA. That is the path. Now she is the one who needs fixed and that is all I have done for many years. Maybe the best thing is to distance myself from her no matter how bad it hurts. She is the one who needs to be better as well. She needs to seek help. I only pray that that will happen. Do I go back to her tonight and tell her this? I so much want to be with this woman. She has filled my soul with happiness and joy only for me to destroy all that was good inside of her. Of all the responses I have recieved, yours has the most meaning. Any advice
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