CALYNN

I posted last night that I finally went to a meeting. It was a woman's only meeting of about 30. I couldn't believe the warm reception I received before the meeting, and I was so impressed with these women and their stories. I introduced myself and said I was new and nervous. At one point, I noticed everyone passing around a sheet of paper, but it didn't get passed to me. At the end of the meeting, I found out why. They were all writing their names and phone numbers down to give to me.

After the meeting, they came up and introduced themselves, said how happy they were that I was there, handed me a couple books and the list of names and numbers and invited me to join them at their homes for private meetings and said I could call them at any time - even if it was 3 am.

I couldn't believe it. I just didn't know what to say to that. I did manage a thank you. I walked to my car in a daze and a woman approached me & told me she lived near me and invited me to go walking with her. She said she had 4 days this time. Then, she showed me her car and the damage she did to it with her last accident/DUI (it was her second). She just told me (a complete stranger) something so personal.

I can't even explain the short drive home - it seemed surreal. When I did get home, I was really excited about my experience. I put the books down on the couch next to me, looked at the list of names & numbers and then broke into tears and haven't stopped crying since.

Why would these women want to help "me"? Why should they care? I'm nobody. I'm a drunk without a job. I'm worthless/hopeless. Don't they know that? Maybe I should explain it to them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't feel worthy of everything they offered to me, which explains the title of my post. All these courageous, amazing women offering their friendship and support to a complete (messed up) stranger.

I hope I can wrap my head around this in time to make it to another meeting. I feel like such a jerk for being offered so much and yet not feeling like I deserve any of it, or even that I could show up at another meeting. I'm a fake, a fraud, a disappointment.

I know I'm just rambling here. And Joe, go ahead and laugh at me - I deserve it...

C23

"I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't feel worthy of everything they offered to me, which explains the title of my post. All these courageous, amazing women offering their friendship and support to a complete (messed up) stranger."

You are courageous and amazing as well. You have decided to fight, in my opinion, the hardest demon anyone can, addiction. These women know that you will need a solid support structure to get thorugh his, and don't forget, they need you just as much. The more one helps another recover, the more they recover themselves.

Chris

gerryP

Calynn!!

I am so excited for you!!! What a fabulous experience. I am thrilled to hear that everything went so beautifully. This sounds like the beginning of a new everything for you and just what you need and more importantly, what you DO deserve.

Remember Calynn, all these courageous, amazing women were once where you were and got what they needed from the group to get where they are today. They a giving you what they received and worked for them.

So great Calynn and keep going. Hugs.

Rowan

I went to my first meeting 8 years ago. I had a similar experience to yours. A lady bought me a Big Book and wrote in it: 'Use this as a book of study. Get ready for a life beyond your wildest dreams, a day at a time'. I was overwhelmed and did a lot of crying. Why were they so nice? I was a f*ck-up! Didn't they get that?

I kept going anyway. It was painful, and gut-wrenching, but also incredibly freeing. I relapsed after two years, but I kept going. I relapsed again after another two years, and still I kept going.

I have remained a member of that same women's group. I am able to set up each week, and welcome scared newcomers who are just like me - they just don't know it yet. Just like I didn't know then that I belonged.

Keep going, okay? You belong. You are good enough.

And one day, your past will become your greatest asset. It's true.

CALYNN

Thanks Chris - I just noticed that on the list, they all have their sobriety dates. Very intimidating - I'm not sure what I could offer them. Maybe a success story? That would be so nice. I'm so afraid of disappointing them.

CALYNN

Thanks Gerry. I hope I can give back something at some point. I will keep going and hopefully someday I will feel like I belong and deserve to be there.

CALYNN

Thanks so much for that. I hope I can get there. I just keep seeing all the smiling faces and wanting to be like them. One girl was in her twenties - a beautiful girl. No shame at all. Amazing to me...

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Calynn, I can answer that question for you, most of them have walked in your shoes, and they have found a way out! Part of finding thier way out of the abyss called alcoholism is to help another alcoholic to gain what they have.

Calynn, every one of those women know that feeling you are experienceing now, they have been there.

Think about it, if you found the solution to a life threatening situation would you not find great joy in passing that on to others? I have along with hundreds of thousands of other men and women.

The solution to my alcoholism was given to me freely and today I pass it on to others freely. This is one of the greatest joys in my life today, to be able to look an alcoholic man dead square in the eye at his lowest moment and honestly tell him "I have been where you are at and I found a solution to my alcoholism and life itself! I can show you the way I found out of the hole you are in now and you will be helping me to stay sober just as much as I can help you stay sober."

Latch on to these ladies, if you want what they have then do what they did to get it!

Ask them what they did to find freedom from thier alcoholism.

Ask them about a temporary sponsor.

If you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober, then follow thier suggestions.

CALYNN

Thanks Taz - I think that when I'm done crying I will be able to see things more clearly. I've never experienced this before - so many strangers happy and willing to take me in and help me. I've paid a lot of money to psychiatrists and never got this much in return. A bit overwhelming for me. The next meeting is tomorrow night - hopefully, I will be able to get there without bawling. I never had a lot of faith in people and I guess it's hard for me to accept that. But, I am so grateful for it. I just need to get myself together enough.

CALYNN

Taz - I forgot to say that I have a list of 20+ sponsors. Wow. I'm still not comfortable calling them. I hope I can get over that soon. I grew up in a family with a strict "no whiners" policy. It's hard to get past that.

laurie6781

Because EVERY ONE of those women has been EXACTLY where you are now. They do care, someone at a meeting cared for them and gave them HOPE. They are now giving you HOPE.

This is part of how the AA fellowship works.

Ah yes, the 'no whiner's policy', I remember it well. First going to meetings, and talking about your problems is NOT WHINING, it is putting the problem out there to FIND THE SOLUTION. Same thing with talking with a sponsor.

(((((CALYNN))))) you have just done the absolutely best thing you could have done for yourself ......................................... you have taken that first 'baby step' that seemed like a GIANT LEAP and walked through the doors of AA and asked for HELP.

Now, please try and find some more meetings to attend. By attending different meetings, not only will you get a better 'flavor' of the types of meetings, and get to know which ones you feel most comfortable in, but you will be enlarging your SOBER NETWORK.

Thank you for posting your experience, it ha brought back some really good memories of those first days in AA for me, and the feelings and the questions.

You go girl!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

gerryP

I'm just thinking about you crying Calynn....those tears though must be coming from a good place.

I'm thinking that maybe your are overwhelmed by all these good women's friendship and support because deep down you KNOW you are deserving of more than what you have had. It's validating Calynn and it's a relief to see and feel this from others. it's a great thing. Embrace it and if you don't "get it together" by tomorrow night...so what, lol no one there will care if you were to walk in crying and bumbling. lol

ChameleonBoy

Yes they know that and still they care. It's about acceptance. We have all been there and we have found a solution. The overwelming gratitude that comes with finding a solution to how you feel right now compels us to give away what we have been given.

Does that make sense?

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful experience with us.

CALYNN

Thank you Laurie. I am planning to go to a different meeting on Thursday that I was invited to. I guess I just have to get used to the idea that I'm not an unusual case and a lot of people have been in my shoes.

Big thing - I just told my Mom that I went to a meeting. I didn't know how she'd react. She was so happy. She's a recovering alcoholic (5 years) but never went to AA. She said she wished she had gone and probably still should go. She said she would go with me if I wanted - wow. She also said I never stood a chance as we have so many alcoholics in the family. And, she believe's in God - I never knew that. Said she shouldn't have made it through last time and prayed to God many times a day to help her recover. She also thinks she made it so that she could help people. I'm so happy that I was able to be honest with my Mom and she was able to be honest with me. What an incredible feeling.

Laurie - thanks again for your reply. It means a lot to me. I am really looking forward to working on my new life and accepting help and eventually being able to give back.

Hugs,

c

CALYNN

Thanks Gerry - I just told my Mom my crying was a good thing. I am just not used to it, but I am looking forward to the feeling that I do deserve it.

I remember when I was young and I cried I was told "if you want something to cry about, I'll give it to you". I didn't cry a lot after that. But, I'm not the same anymore and even though I'm crying all day today, I don't feel bad. I just hope it stops before my eyes get so swollen that I can't see. ;-)

Thanks again,

c

CALYNN

Thanks CB. I am starting to understand the "why". And I do feel like I'm what I'm going through is a beautiful start.

c

tommyk

Be there to carry the same message to the next person who walks in the door looking hopeless.

gerryP

LOL, My mother used to say the same thing and I too learned at a very young age NOT to cry. I was sober about 2 years when i started to cry, maybe learned to cry. It feels good to me to cry now, so I willingly fit it into my schedule when the need arises lol.

123bubblegum123

Everyone is worthy of unconditional love & support. Don't let your addict mind tell you otherwise! I'm proud of you for going to a meeting and like Tommy said above me, be the one to welcome the next newcomer who is struggling with open arms.

Hugs & support,
Rach

joedris

Why would I laugh? I asked that you go to a meeting and you did. I told you the reception to expect and that's what you received. I know it can be a little overwhelming, but as I said, you were going to meet a lot of women just like yourself. They can help you. Accept their help, accept their friendship. You ask what you could offer women with much more sobriety than yours. Don't you remember in the readings the statement "No matter how far down the path we have gone, we find that our experience can benefit others"? You made a major breakthrough last night. Why would I laugh?