CoF1984

For the most part things have been going well lately, but there's a little thing starting to build up more and more and get more agitating as it continues to go on. Maybe someone can offer some advice or something.

It seems neighbors and people around here know just how to take advantage of a persons kindness and borrow a couple dollars here or some milk there when I can't afford to share or help like that. I'm having an extremely difficult time helping my own family out so it's even harder when everyone's coming to me for help and knowing how to get me sympathetic and knowing how to take my kindness for granted and abuse it and me. I need to just start telling people no that I can't help right now, but just don't know how to do it and not feel guilty about it. I mean if I can't afford to help someone and tell them no I shouldn't feel guilty if I really can't help. But, people just know how to take advantage and all. I can't just keep it all in and keep helping when I can't afford to...I'll go back to drinking if I do. I just have to learn how to not let people take advantage of kindness when I can't afford to be overly kind. Maybe it's just my wanting to be liked by everyone and thinking I can buy off their affection, but still if I do that I know they only like me because of what I do for them rather than like me for me. I don't know, I feel guilty when I don't help and get agitated when I do because I can't afford to and want to tell them to f*** off and leave me alone.

I hope this rambling makes some sense. I'm just lost and confused and don't know what to do. I guess I just need to develop some tougher skin and quit trying to think I can help everyone and save the world. Any thoughts, opinions or advice would be helpful. Thanks for taking the time to read this and let me vent.

Wes

mle-sober

CoF1984,

No one can MAKE you feel or do anything you are not agreeing to feel or do. By repeatedly giving in to these requests or demands for handouts, you yourself are inviting your own resentment.

Next time, grab the bull by the balls and say straight up, "I'm sorry but I can't afford it." When you walk away, tell yourself in your head, "I don't care if they're disappointed or judgemental of my actions. That was what I needed to do for myself and for my family. Most likely, rather than judging me, they are appricative of my honesty. If I keep saying no, they will stop asking."

That self-talk is an important part of this solution. Do NOT let your self talk turn to the kind that is in your post: "People are abusing me. I don't know how to say no. I feel guilty. This is going to lead to me drinking again." By telling yourself those things, you are only manking matters worse.

Stop saying yes when you need to say no. And that will stop the feelings of being abused. Which may well prevent you from drinking again. Take that seriously!

You can do this!

CoF1984

Thanks mle...that makes perfect sense. You're absolutely right.

Wes

Gypsy Feet

sometimes when I am getting more and more testy about a thing a change is coming, Sounds like you are getting ready to stop being walked on and allow yourself to take care of you first, good for you=)

Aysha

I know exactly how you feel. I want to be the big helper to everone alot of times too. Alot of times goin without or goin out of ym way to do so. And alot of times they dont care or notice. Or appreciate it. And it does make me mad. but it hurts my feelings more than anything.
I was brought up to do what I could for anyone in need. But when someone just does it to use you and then on top of it doesnt even appreciate it. Yea...Then I get pizzed.
So I have learned to flat out tell people no. Depending on whoit is and what the situation is. It can be done nicely or mean. Sometime I have had to be down right mean because they just dont get it.
Most of the time I just say I'm sorry I really dont have it or I cant right now.
What can they say? Nothing. How can you give something you dont have?
Dont let people treat you like a doormat.
If I were you I would weigh it like this. Whatever it is they are asking you for.
Think if that was the last of whatever it is and your family needed it more. Who would you give it to first?
It doest have to be the last. But just think of it like that.
You and yours comes first.
You dont ahve to be a jerk about it. And if you still want to help WHEN you can. Then cool.
Never let anyone take your kindness for weakness. EVER!! They will use you up until theres nothing left.
And defiantely done let it get to you where you think your goin to drink.
I know its hard. But you can set your bounderies. Feel good about standing your ground. And sticking to your bounderies. Donty look at it as you let them downa dn they arent goin to like you now.
Usually that isnt the way it reallyis anyway.
Good luck.

CarolD

Mega Wes

mle-sober gave you excellent advice.
and
for resentments.....praying them away works great!
The directions are in our BB..."Freedom From Bondage"
(I think) Check with your sponsor.

All my best to you and your family

Wolfchild

Alot of times i simply point people in another direction. i refer them to another person, agency, help center, etc... and tell them that these people and/places are better equipped than i am to help you with your ongoing problems. This helps to remind me that responsibility to myself must come first and says to them that they need to take responsibility for their own life. i have learned that i can only help people to solve their problems, i am not anybody's solution to anything at anytime and i never will be! What i do before attempting to help anyone is to pray for guidance and ask God if it is His will for me to help them. By doing this, i stay connected to the one that helps me, who then strengthens me to help others. If i am unsure of what help i should or could offer, i call my sponsor.

i hope that you can find the gentle honesty to tell these people the truth without slamming any doors in their face. Take it easy on yourself and recover that which has been lost to you.

Anna

Cof,

One of the things I had to learn to do to recover, was to learn how to say 'No'. I had to come to the realization that I had been helping people in my life, in order to be liked. It was not easy to accept that, but I had to understand how important it was to be comfortable with myself and to have boundaries. It's not always easy, but to be able to say No and not feel guilty about it, is very freeing.

firestorm090

Wes,

I've struggled with the same issue time and time again and have learned how to tell people to buzz off, but it depends on the situation, at least for me. I have one neighbor that is continually borrowing milk, she has three children and is a single mom, so I never tell her no, just the ole softy in me I suppose. It's funny, a couple of times I've thought, maybe, with three small kids, it would be cheaper to buy her a cow, lol. I learned a while back not to give money, unless I honestly trust the person to do what they say with the money, cause I don't want to buy drugs or alcohol inadvertently through another person, guess I'm selfish that way.

The most important person or family to look out for first is our own and ourselves, if we're not well, we can't help others, so just learn to say politely, hey, buzz off and lose my address. It works, believe me.

joedris

Hey neighbor, I sympathyze with your problem. While we would like to help people, there are times we have look to our own interests first. When I'm in your situation I usually tell people that I'm really sorry, but I'm not is a position to help right now. Those that have been moochers will probably be upset, and that reaction should be enougth to cross them off forever. But there's Firestorm's point, too. Some folks need it more that I do, and so I always help them regardless. I think it's a matter of knowing when to draw the line. Once you do that, the moochers will seek easier targets,

shaun00

time to get some boundarys wes...

you mentioned "buying off" people affection.....

i can relate to that......it boiled down to me feeling cr..p about myself.

have a chat with your sponsor about it.....

i believe god wants me to be of service........NOT a door mat.

the world is full of people that love to take advantage of kind guys like you.

you cant do nothing about that but you can do something about how you deal with them......

god be with you and your family wes..........trucker

shaun00

of course it helps if you can spell boundaries.........thanks phal

Tazman53

"The courage to change the things I can."

One thing my sponsor told me (Among many other things! LOL) was that the word "NO", is a complete sentence!

When some one ask me for help I quickly run through my head the following:

1. Will helping them hurt me or my sobriety?
2. Will helping them hurt my family.
3. Will helping them hurt them?

If the answer to all of the above is no then helping them is a winning situation, but if you, your sobriety, your family or even the person asking for help is going to hurt or effect them in a negative way then simply say "No," not in a mean way, simply say something like. "No, I wish I could help you, but I/my family can not afford to do that right now." If you know where they may be able to get help with what they seek then point them in that direction.

One thing I had to learn was I had to be happy with myself first, that is not to say I should not help others, I do all the time and it is very rewarding, but I have to put my sobriety, myself, and my family first, this is how my HP has led me, if all the needs of my sobriety, myself, & my family are met then my HP will guide me in how to help others seeking help.

I have had to learn how to love myself with out worrying about how others felt about me.

CoF1984

Thanks for all the responses. You guys are right. I was just looking at things the wrong way and glad you all could point me into looking at things from a better view. It's greatly appreciated.

Wes

scottydawg

I feel that if you had the courage to step up and say no to drinking ... then I believe you have the courage to tell others no. You don't have to be ignorant. Just a simple not right now. If you've been a people pleaser like I have all my life, then be prepared for others to look at you different or get attitudes. Remember, you can't control others actions. You can only control your own reactions.