louis

I am strugglng at the moment with not giving into my emotions and thoughts.
Things are pretty rough.... dealing with my counselling and trying to deal with everyday life...
I have been trying to sort out my old debts... i have sorted payment schemes out.... means ive got to work like h*ll but it can be done...
I got a letter y'day from the old place i used to rent my flat.... the guy i used to share with has done a runner... and they are saying even though i sent in notice to quit the tenancy in february.... because he never signed a new tenancy it is still a joint one and i am liable.... i have sought legal avice and waiting for them to get back to me about it.... it really got me down though... i felt so hurt.... i am trying to do the right thing by my debts... but it feels never ending...
Life's obsticles are getting a little over bearing..
My counselling i am struggling with too... i have also discovered through starting this that i have a small problem with gambling too... hey im an all round addict now.... drugs/drink/gambling... and a few other unhealthy stuff.... i never could do things by half.... any form of escapism i use..

I get so tired somedays.... y'day... i could have quite easily crawled inside a bottle again or headed to the bookies.... which i am trying to avoid... but i fought it the urge.... it wasn't easy.... but i did it...
I should feel some sense of pride that i did it.... but i dont... i still pretty low.... I only seem to function to work and help friends just now...

I feel like i am dragging myself through each day in the hope things get better.... i have seen/heard here and in AA meeting that things do get better....

I WANT what they/you have.... and i am still gonna drag myself through each day till it is time for me to be better.... not cured.... just better.

Anyway.... even though i am tired of this life i have just now... i will keep fighting... i cant give up.... i have had 3 months of sobriety and i keep going so i must be enjoying something about it.... i just cant seem to think what it is today....

Hey ho.... my time will come

be well
louis

Dee74

you've got the right attitude louis - keep it up, mate

D

Tazman53

Louis congrats on the 90 days, deep down inside of you, you know that is a bid deal and something to hold your head high about.

You said:

When I first got sober I wanted what those folks who were doing well in their sobriety had as well, they told me that if I REALLY wanted what they had I should try doing what they had done to get it and they would be more then happy to share with me what they had done and help me do it as well. Well I have done what they did with thier guidance and things are far better now then they were, like them I am finding peace in my life and I no longer struggle with sobriety or life.

Are you doing what they are doing? Things do get better, but it takes time and work for things to get better, if you are doing the work then give it time, it will get better.

JJB

Hi Louis

First of all I want to give you a big :ghug3

I'm noone to give advice because like you I often think oh what's so good about life then?
But I think it's just some days that are like that. Other days i feel great and i almost can't cope with it.
I thought that the highs and lows would just be in the very first days and that then i would become "normal" -whatever that may be?!!!

I'm starting to think that being in a state of constant happiness is probably not "normal" and i shouldn't therefore try for it. Drinking was a way i thought i could get it.
Instead i think i have to learn that life has sad and happy moments and I have to try to cope better with both.

Sorry to hear your friend has let you down.
But wow 90 days that's great!!!!!!!



Hope to see you in chat soon
JJ

jamdls

Congratulations on 90 days! You should be proud! I was scared of my own shadow the first 6-12 months of sobriety, my mom died 5 months after I got sober then my dad who had molested me when I ws a kid came to stay with me for 3 months; many many times I wanted to crawl back into the bottle--but i didn't and somehow I came through all that a stronger, happier, more conifident individual than I'd ever been and now I have no need to escape. Don't give up nor give in.

J

keithj

Louis,

I can appreciate the difficulties of early sobriety. It seems like you are finally facing the wreckage of your past and it seems overwhelming. Almost enough to drink over.

The facts for me mirror what the Big Book says. I did not straighten out physically, mentally, financially, with relationships, etc., until I straightened out spiritually by taking AA's 12 steps. And I couldn't make much spiritual progress when focused on these other concerns. I know it seems like all those things are real problems, and you'd be OK if you could just get them figured out. But really, if you have untreated alcoholism, you have just one problem. If you take care of that, the rest will work out. Works every time.

To echo Taz, are you doing what they do? I had to (not wanted to, but had to) get into the Big Book with a sponsor and work each of those 12 steps in order to the best of my ability in order to recover. I don't believe there is a time waiting out there for anyone to get better. I believe that time is now, provided you are willing.

I started working the steps on the first day I didn't drink. Despite the divorce going on, despite the debt I had created, despite the legal and employment problems, my sponsor kept me focused on the steps. I took those steps as well as I could (not always that well) and I recovered. Within short time, maybe a year or two, my debt was paid off, my employment was good, my legal concerns were over (again, debt paid), and I was living a life beyond my expectations.

Like you, I just wanted to be OK. But I what I got as a result of the spiritual awakening through the steps was way beyond OK.

louis

Thankyou guys....

Sorry.... it took awhile for me to gather enough brain cells to form a half decent sentence to reply....

Have i been doing what they do?..... yes.... ive been going to meetings when i can... when i am not working.... and if i cant get to ones physically.... i have tried to go to online one.... but i could always do more...

My counselor and i spoke about me getting a sponsor.... and as the treatment they do involves the 12 step programme.... we spoke about maybe they were meant to be my sponor.... nothing set in stone though.... i do have some AA friends around me who i go through the Bigbook with....
I'm still at that gathering information stage.... i have admitted step one to myself though now.... it took me awhile.... it always does.... im one of them people who needs to question everything....
I know i make it harder for myself.... i wish sometimes i could just jump in with blind faith.... but i cant.... its not the way my brain works...

As for my counselling itself.... its not just for substance misuse.... so its taking awhile with that too..... i have been really struggling to control the feelings coming up.... actually being honest.... i am struggling to keep the feeling down.... since i am not using my previous escape plans..... and this is only been afew days...

My counselor said to me in an email.... "I have to feel the pain, sit in the pain, before i can heal"

Phewwww..... this is really hard.... but i am trying to do what i've been asked....
My automatic reaction is to stop any emotion i cant control.....

Anyway.... thankyou for your replies.... they are much appreciated... sorry it took so long to reply

be well
louis