2 weeks in...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
2 weeks in...
2 weeks plus sober now and I'm doing great with not drinking. Not doing so great with my feelings towards the wife, who is in a 4 week outpatient program. I posted details of an intervention I had to do yesterday as part of her treatment. If anyone wants to read, it is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-together.html
I'm curious to hear if anyone has had the same feelings as I'm having right now. Thanks in advance.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-together.html
I'm curious to hear if anyone has had the same feelings as I'm having right now. Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 580
Mate, I read the link good and concise post. Unfortunately I am the alcoholic in my family so I cant offer you any specific advice. All I can say through my experience is that your wife has to want to do this for herself. All my attempts at stopping drinking NEVER worked when I did it for someone else. It was only when I admitted I was an alcoholic and wanted it for ME that I was able to stop.
Good luck mate, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Good luck mate, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Well, I am the AH. So I guess I don't qualify. But, doesn't it seem early to be coming to any kind of conclusions about what may or may not be the state of your relationship?
I am 6 months out of a 2 month impatient rehab... My wife of 25 years an I love each other endlessly... But we are still discovering ourselves. She would like it very much if I weren't alcoholic, she likes a drink at the end of the day, and used to enjoy it with me. We will make it ... But how it all will work out? One day at a time is how.
You obviously love her, don't hurry your own thoughts and feelings, time takes time. Good luck my friend.
Mark
I am 6 months out of a 2 month impatient rehab... My wife of 25 years an I love each other endlessly... But we are still discovering ourselves. She would like it very much if I weren't alcoholic, she likes a drink at the end of the day, and used to enjoy it with me. We will make it ... But how it all will work out? One day at a time is how.
You obviously love her, don't hurry your own thoughts and feelings, time takes time. Good luck my friend.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Hi, Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.
I didnt read the details yet, however
just taking what i did read Id share
that you both have a program of
recovery to work. She will have her
own and u yourself will have one.
That's important for now. You take
care of you because if u dont u
wont be mentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually available
for anyone else, esp, ur wife.
She too will learn that too so
she can be available for u.
Together u can add recovery
that will include the 2 of u.
There are many couples that
do have a strong healthy
marriage in recovery because
they work a program together.
So can you.
I didnt read the details yet, however
just taking what i did read Id share
that you both have a program of
recovery to work. She will have her
own and u yourself will have one.
That's important for now. You take
care of you because if u dont u
wont be mentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually available
for anyone else, esp, ur wife.
She too will learn that too so
she can be available for u.
Together u can add recovery
that will include the 2 of u.
There are many couples that
do have a strong healthy
marriage in recovery because
they work a program together.
So can you.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
What I say isn't going to win any popularity contests here but I'm just being honest.
I see a lot in your posts about how your drinking and the AA steps relate, or more heavily stated, don't. Like when you said you're not powerless, because you quit. Most all of us here have quit.. with or without AA. Does that mean that if we started drinking again that we are still in the drivers seat? I don't know. I have often struggled with a lot of AA's basics, the steps, etc.. and from reading what you write, I almost feel as if you're using the AA definitions and steps as reasons to NOT think you have a problem. It was one time explained to me, when I said those same words (I'm not powerless, I quit, see.. I have power) that it is that we WERE powerless over alcohol.. when drinking alcohol. Not that that even fits in your case, I'm just saying.. you're taking a lot of AA info very literally and using it solely (from what I've read from you) as your guage of whether or not you have any issues with alcohol, or if you're labeled 'alcoholic'.
It's really not that complex. The Big Book was not written by the all mighty end of days definer (yeah that's probably not a word) of everything there is alcoholism, or alcohol problems. What else have you used as a tool to check in with your own drinking behavior? If I were to break down the definitions posed by AA info, I probably wouldn't be an 'alcoholic' either.. but if I kept drinking, it would destroy my health ultimately, relationships, my overall wellbeing. THAT was enough of a definition for me...
course, we are masters at rationalization..
And for those of you (so many of you) so much more well versed in AA, I really don't mean to offend, I just wanted to offer my perspective of constantly seeing in 9Iron's writings, AA reflected reasons as to why he does not have a problem, isn't alcoholic.
Just my .02.. don't throw sh* at me please.
And I'm back here editing to apologize for going on a tangent of your past writings here, referenced in some of your responses to that post you linked to us. I'll weigh in on what you asked.. I think that relationships that involve addiction, abuse, and general mistreatment are incredibly complex and difficult. I don't think impossible, if BOTH of you are 100% willing to put everything into it. Like other posters mentioned in the FnF forums, you admittedly enjoy drinking, and you aren't sure quite yet if it's something you can quit forever.. why not? What's that worth? Seems like ya'll would be better off if no one drank, focused solely on the health of the family, and carried on a lovely life, after tackling this very fresh turn of events. Course, that's again my opinion, and we certainly can't offer any marriage counseling here
I see a lot in your posts about how your drinking and the AA steps relate, or more heavily stated, don't. Like when you said you're not powerless, because you quit. Most all of us here have quit.. with or without AA. Does that mean that if we started drinking again that we are still in the drivers seat? I don't know. I have often struggled with a lot of AA's basics, the steps, etc.. and from reading what you write, I almost feel as if you're using the AA definitions and steps as reasons to NOT think you have a problem. It was one time explained to me, when I said those same words (I'm not powerless, I quit, see.. I have power) that it is that we WERE powerless over alcohol.. when drinking alcohol. Not that that even fits in your case, I'm just saying.. you're taking a lot of AA info very literally and using it solely (from what I've read from you) as your guage of whether or not you have any issues with alcohol, or if you're labeled 'alcoholic'.
It's really not that complex. The Big Book was not written by the all mighty end of days definer (yeah that's probably not a word) of everything there is alcoholism, or alcohol problems. What else have you used as a tool to check in with your own drinking behavior? If I were to break down the definitions posed by AA info, I probably wouldn't be an 'alcoholic' either.. but if I kept drinking, it would destroy my health ultimately, relationships, my overall wellbeing. THAT was enough of a definition for me...
course, we are masters at rationalization..
And for those of you (so many of you) so much more well versed in AA, I really don't mean to offend, I just wanted to offer my perspective of constantly seeing in 9Iron's writings, AA reflected reasons as to why he does not have a problem, isn't alcoholic.
Just my .02.. don't throw sh* at me please.
And I'm back here editing to apologize for going on a tangent of your past writings here, referenced in some of your responses to that post you linked to us. I'll weigh in on what you asked.. I think that relationships that involve addiction, abuse, and general mistreatment are incredibly complex and difficult. I don't think impossible, if BOTH of you are 100% willing to put everything into it. Like other posters mentioned in the FnF forums, you admittedly enjoy drinking, and you aren't sure quite yet if it's something you can quit forever.. why not? What's that worth? Seems like ya'll would be better off if no one drank, focused solely on the health of the family, and carried on a lovely life, after tackling this very fresh turn of events. Course, that's again my opinion, and we certainly can't offer any marriage counseling here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Smacked-
I post here solely for people's $.02! I want people to challenge my posts and my thinking, because I can get so wrapped up in one mind set or another that I could be missing a crucial perspective that can make all the difference. I understand and respect your opinion.
When it comes to my drinking, or lack thereof, there comes the conundrum of how do you prove a negative? It's easy to prove a positive. Do you drink more than you want to? Do you drink daily? Do you black out? Do you start to drink and can't stop? Does your drinking have an adverse effect on your family or work? None of these apply to me. As far as I can tell, there is no test that the results would say that you are NOT an alcoholic. That's why I go back to the 12 steps, and if I answer no to those questions for me that's a start. When I reference step 1, am I powerless over alcohol and has my life became unmanageable because of it, I can honestly answer no. Now, with my wife in the program, if I continued to drink then that answer would have to be a resounding YES! because I would have to admit that my drinking would be a deterrent to putting my wife in the best possible position to succeed in her sobriety. Again, that is just my thinking, and anyone is absolutely welcome and in fact encouraged to challenge it.
What I am struggling with is this whole new lifestyle that is coming my way. I don't mean not drinking. I find myself married almost 10 years to a different woman that I fell in love with. We used to have fun! We would go to hear live music, we would sit home and play board games, we would take bike rides through the city, we would travel together. When I wrote out the script for the intervention I realized just how much **** she had put me through, and I instantly grew resentful, like I'm a sucker for putting up with it for so long. When I saw her interacting with her group before the session she had made friends, Christ, she looked like she was having fun! Meanwhile I'm incredibly taxed at work (2 jobs), dropping off and picking up the kids, homework, cooking, housework, bedtimes, everything a single dad should be doing. She was laughing with friends she had made during the break! I haven't laughed in 2 and a half weeks! I know I'm complaining and don't deserve any cookies because that what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, but damn its tiring. Monday I was grumpy. She asked me what was wrong, I said it's nothing. She kept at it and against my better judgment I told her that I'm just tired, tired of the whole situation. She threw it back at me, do I want her not committed to recovery, am I angry that she's taking it seriously, do I want her to fail? No, I told her, it's not all about you, I'm just tired. I can't even talk to her about how I'm feeling because at this point she can't separate out my personnel feelings from inside me vs. my feelings about her and the program. I don't blame her for that, she has been living and breathing the program for 2 plus weeks now, her life IS the program and that's a good thing. It's just an added pressure for me that I have to always put a good face on everything and not put any added stress on her. She had a good suggestion, that I start attending some Al-Anon meetings, which I would like to do. But I had to ask her, when exactly should I go to these meetings? I literally don't have a moment of the day that I'm not either working (or pretending to be like now!) or have the kids with me.
To sum it up metaphorically, I feel like I'm at the train station with the kids misbehaving and I'm trying to keep them in line and my bosses are barking at me in the background, and she's on the train, laughing and waving, departing to make a new life for herself, a different woman in many ways than the one I married. And it hurts.
I know this is long, and maybe should be in the FaF section, but in a lot of ways it is a newcomer to sobriety message. Feel free to throw in your $0.02 and I promise not to throw any **** your way!
Just my .02.. don't throw sh* at me please.
When it comes to my drinking, or lack thereof, there comes the conundrum of how do you prove a negative? It's easy to prove a positive. Do you drink more than you want to? Do you drink daily? Do you black out? Do you start to drink and can't stop? Does your drinking have an adverse effect on your family or work? None of these apply to me. As far as I can tell, there is no test that the results would say that you are NOT an alcoholic. That's why I go back to the 12 steps, and if I answer no to those questions for me that's a start. When I reference step 1, am I powerless over alcohol and has my life became unmanageable because of it, I can honestly answer no. Now, with my wife in the program, if I continued to drink then that answer would have to be a resounding YES! because I would have to admit that my drinking would be a deterrent to putting my wife in the best possible position to succeed in her sobriety. Again, that is just my thinking, and anyone is absolutely welcome and in fact encouraged to challenge it.
What I am struggling with is this whole new lifestyle that is coming my way. I don't mean not drinking. I find myself married almost 10 years to a different woman that I fell in love with. We used to have fun! We would go to hear live music, we would sit home and play board games, we would take bike rides through the city, we would travel together. When I wrote out the script for the intervention I realized just how much **** she had put me through, and I instantly grew resentful, like I'm a sucker for putting up with it for so long. When I saw her interacting with her group before the session she had made friends, Christ, she looked like she was having fun! Meanwhile I'm incredibly taxed at work (2 jobs), dropping off and picking up the kids, homework, cooking, housework, bedtimes, everything a single dad should be doing. She was laughing with friends she had made during the break! I haven't laughed in 2 and a half weeks! I know I'm complaining and don't deserve any cookies because that what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, but damn its tiring. Monday I was grumpy. She asked me what was wrong, I said it's nothing. She kept at it and against my better judgment I told her that I'm just tired, tired of the whole situation. She threw it back at me, do I want her not committed to recovery, am I angry that she's taking it seriously, do I want her to fail? No, I told her, it's not all about you, I'm just tired. I can't even talk to her about how I'm feeling because at this point she can't separate out my personnel feelings from inside me vs. my feelings about her and the program. I don't blame her for that, she has been living and breathing the program for 2 plus weeks now, her life IS the program and that's a good thing. It's just an added pressure for me that I have to always put a good face on everything and not put any added stress on her. She had a good suggestion, that I start attending some Al-Anon meetings, which I would like to do. But I had to ask her, when exactly should I go to these meetings? I literally don't have a moment of the day that I'm not either working (or pretending to be like now!) or have the kids with me.
To sum it up metaphorically, I feel like I'm at the train station with the kids misbehaving and I'm trying to keep them in line and my bosses are barking at me in the background, and she's on the train, laughing and waving, departing to make a new life for herself, a different woman in many ways than the one I married. And it hurts.
I know this is long, and maybe should be in the FaF section, but in a lot of ways it is a newcomer to sobriety message. Feel free to throw in your $0.02 and I promise not to throw any **** your way!
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi 9
I used the AA program for almost 2 years and didn't think I entirely fit the definition of alcoholic according to the B.B, but whatever you want to call it, alcoholic (I'm not much into labeling) I CAN'T drink again. Loved it too much, Loved everything about it. Unfortunately though, it didn't like me and like a bad friend kicked me in the butt at the end, getting me in all kinds of trouble, so regardless of what the word might be to describe someone like me? I CAN't drink ever again and I am good with that. Love my life sober even with the life stuff i don't like thrown in.
I haven't tested the theory and have no desire to, but I don't believe I'm powerless over alcohol. However, my history has proven that when I DID drink, I became powerless over it. As long as I don't have one, I'm not powerless over it.
I used the AA program for almost 2 years and didn't think I entirely fit the definition of alcoholic according to the B.B, but whatever you want to call it, alcoholic (I'm not much into labeling) I CAN'T drink again. Loved it too much, Loved everything about it. Unfortunately though, it didn't like me and like a bad friend kicked me in the butt at the end, getting me in all kinds of trouble, so regardless of what the word might be to describe someone like me? I CAN't drink ever again and I am good with that. Love my life sober even with the life stuff i don't like thrown in.
I haven't tested the theory and have no desire to, but I don't believe I'm powerless over alcohol. However, my history has proven that when I DID drink, I became powerless over it. As long as I don't have one, I'm not powerless over it.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi again,
Your wife getting sober and learning how to stay sober IS her job now 9Iron and all the better that she is enjoying the process. Staying sober is something alcoholics must remain mindful of forever, if even in the back corner of the mind as time goes on.
I do see alot of resentment within you, but I think that's understandable as you are wearing several hats right now and were thrown into the position with little preparation. Sure you are trying to make sense of all of it and trying to figure out where and how the dust will settle. Try not to over burden yourself with all of that now. This is a process and it will take time.
It's not an easy time for your wife, nor for you, but try to keep your eye on the target.
I had read your earlier threads when you first started posting and I'm wondering if your fear in how all this will work out, centers on the fact that that your fun and enjoyment of activities you did together involved alcohol for both of you?
Your wife getting sober and learning how to stay sober IS her job now 9Iron and all the better that she is enjoying the process. Staying sober is something alcoholics must remain mindful of forever, if even in the back corner of the mind as time goes on.
I do see alot of resentment within you, but I think that's understandable as you are wearing several hats right now and were thrown into the position with little preparation. Sure you are trying to make sense of all of it and trying to figure out where and how the dust will settle. Try not to over burden yourself with all of that now. This is a process and it will take time.
It's not an easy time for your wife, nor for you, but try to keep your eye on the target.
I had read your earlier threads when you first started posting and I'm wondering if your fear in how all this will work out, centers on the fact that that your fun and enjoyment of activities you did together involved alcohol for both of you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I am very interested in this thread. When I got out of rehab for two months I was acutely aware of what I had put my wife through. I was also very anxious about what our life was going to be like.
Try not to resent her too much... She didn't set out in life with the plan of becoming an alcohoic and to cause you so much agony and stress . She is actually going to have some very tough times ahead through early sobriety. She won't be smiling and waving from the train as it leaves the station, not until she has recovered and you are on board with her.
Yea, right now it is all about her... Give her a little time and when she gets into recovery mode, it won't be that way. She is still the girl you married. This is life altering stuff here, try to take it one day at a time. When you have the time get to some alanon meetings, take care of yourself as best you can.
You can't expect all of this to fall into place now. I hate to see you make assumptions about what will happen... It could be wonderful, beyond your wildest dreams. If you both honestly and completely work a program of recovery, it probably will be!!
Mark
Try not to resent her too much... She didn't set out in life with the plan of becoming an alcohoic and to cause you so much agony and stress . She is actually going to have some very tough times ahead through early sobriety. She won't be smiling and waving from the train as it leaves the station, not until she has recovered and you are on board with her.
Yea, right now it is all about her... Give her a little time and when she gets into recovery mode, it won't be that way. She is still the girl you married. This is life altering stuff here, try to take it one day at a time. When you have the time get to some alanon meetings, take care of yourself as best you can.
You can't expect all of this to fall into place now. I hate to see you make assumptions about what will happen... It could be wonderful, beyond your wildest dreams. If you both honestly and completely work a program of recovery, it probably will be!!
Mark
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Gerry
Thanks for the feedback.
Honestly, some of it yes some of it no. As I posted above, we would have fun playing games, riding bikes, traveling together, things that do not involve alcohol. We don't do that anymore. Maybe we will start again someday, I don't know. Do I feel some resentment that we can never again go out to dinner at an Italian restaurant and enjoy a glass of Chianti over our main course? Do I wish we could go to a ballgame and enjoy a beer and a hot dog sitting in the Wrigley Field bleachers? Yes I do, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Deep down, I know that I have issues with her inability to drink like a "normal" person, and I have to deal with that. But that is just one piece in a bigger puzzle for me. Am I going to like my "new" wife? Am I going to be jealous of her sponsor and her friends in recovery? Nobody in the world knows my wife the way I know her. Or at least knew her. Someone said something at an AA meeting that I attended that really struck close to home. He said, about the group that was meeting, that it had really became a second family for him. The second family was more important in a lot of ways than his first family because they saved his life and nobody else in the world knew what he had to go through besides that group. That gave me pause. Is her "new" family going to be more important than her "old" family? I'm not generally a possessive guy, but if sobriety is the most important thing in the world going forward, where does our marriage rank? I'm not saying these things are mutually exclusive, far from it. For me, our marriage and our children are the most important things in the world, and her sobriety is a necessity to make that work. If in her world marriage and family has to take a backseat, what does that mean?
Cubile, that is great advise. I know that I should slow down and let things fall into place but my head is absolutely spinning right now. I keep looking 6 months into the future and imagining what my life is going to be like and I don't always like what I see. Again, it's not the not drinking, I can live with that. The picture I keep seeing is a wife fully committed to recovery (great!) and not fully committed to me (bad!). I think everyone has a bit of a fear of the unknown, and right now just about everything in my entire life inside and outside of my marriage is a big unknown.
Thanks for the feedback.
I'm wondering if your fear in how all this will work out, centers on the fact that that your fun and enjoyment of activities you did together involved alcohol for both of you?
Cubile, that is great advise. I know that I should slow down and let things fall into place but my head is absolutely spinning right now. I keep looking 6 months into the future and imagining what my life is going to be like and I don't always like what I see. Again, it's not the not drinking, I can live with that. The picture I keep seeing is a wife fully committed to recovery (great!) and not fully committed to me (bad!). I think everyone has a bit of a fear of the unknown, and right now just about everything in my entire life inside and outside of my marriage is a big unknown.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
9iron,
The chapters To Wives and The Family Afterward in AA's Big Book would be a great read for you. It directly addresses the concerns you have about your wife 'replacing' you with recovery.
Personally, I think you would benefit by taking a good hard look about the fear you have about not getting things the way you want them, but that's another delicate topic.
The chapters To Wives and The Family Afterward in AA's Big Book would be a great read for you. It directly addresses the concerns you have about your wife 'replacing' you with recovery.
Personally, I think you would benefit by taking a good hard look about the fear you have about not getting things the way you want them, but that's another delicate topic.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Well I’m the “A” in my marriage, and that’s the only perspective that I can speak from. You have been given a lot of great stuff to chew on here already. This might get long, if it bores you skip me! When I first got sober (going on 6 months ago), my marriage was in shambles. My husband didn’t trust me because of the lies I had told surrounding my drinking, he was scared to lose me, and was just simply at his wit’s end in dealing with me. I totally understand.. and it took me MONTHS to be able to even look that far outside myself to truly see it, and luckily when it hit me.. it was like the floodgates of realization just opened up. Thank goodness I was on my therapists couch when it happened. As selfish as I was when I was drinking, I had to be even more selfish in the beginning of my sobriety. I had been through a horrifying addiction that I need to recover from. My sobriety had to be more important than anything in my life.. more important than my job, my marriage, my family.. it was life or death for me, and I had to treat it as such. I am very very blessed that my husband stuck around through the process.
At first, when it was new, my husband would make comments about missing his “buddy” (drinking buddy). Hell! I missed it too! Getting drunk together on a Saturday night, dancing like fools, having crazy sex.. yeah it was a blast! I cried about it, I grieved that drinking beers on the patio with him this summer would be a non-happening. I grieved the fact that I would never go to happy hour after a hard day’s work, drink with him and catch a buzz on a Sunday afternoon watching football, get ridiculous and order shots with him and walk home from the bar.. and that was really sad for a huge chunk of time, for both of us. Soon, the realization of the benefits of our NOT drinking together started showing through those memories of what I mistakenly thought were good times. I also realized that we are in our mid 30s, want to start a family, and have a LIFE together, not a college party every weekend. He was much slower to appreciate these changes, because like you he’s not an alcoholic. He has no problem with alcohol. He can drink a beer one night with dinner, and not think about drinking again for weeks. He didn’t understand the obsessions and compulsions I went through.. how for whatever reason my mind reacted differently, that I was addicted, dependent on it and he was not.
We have very slowly found each other again, and probably for the first time ever. He didn’t even know me as “me”, he knew me as his “fun” wife, a party girl, the girl that would buy all his friends shots and usually drink them under the table. For the entire 6 years of our relationship. It has taken up until about 3 months ago, maybe even more recent than that to fall in love with me again. Once the initial “getting sober” stage was over, and we had moved a bit passed the “we can’t have any fun anymore” inaccurate thinking.. we found out how much FUN our lives are with each other! Everything is better, we do so much more, try new things.. my energy is great and my mind is totally clear. My confidence in myself is back, my anxiety isn’t disabling. He has found that as much as he liked the party girl, he really really loves his wife.
I think my point in this is that it took a long time for us to get where we are.. it took a TON of work on both sides of the street. I have attended IOP 1:1 therapy twice a week since the day after my last drink. My husband committed to not drinking around me, and not ever having alcohol in the house again. I had to feel safe in my home.. and I still do. Because he has no issues with alcohol, he couldn’t care less if he drank again, or ever had beer in the house, and I’m lucky for that. Yes, I know he’s an adult, he has the “right” to have alcohol in his home and drink when he wants, but as a person without a problem with alcohol he honestly couldn’t care less, and definitely respects me, accommodates my need to feel safe.. and finds other things to do with his time, and with me, being present in our home and in our relationship that has done his half of fostering the amazing life we now have.
Ok, I never got to a point. Take what you might find helpful in that, and forget the rest. It’s just my story.
At first, when it was new, my husband would make comments about missing his “buddy” (drinking buddy). Hell! I missed it too! Getting drunk together on a Saturday night, dancing like fools, having crazy sex.. yeah it was a blast! I cried about it, I grieved that drinking beers on the patio with him this summer would be a non-happening. I grieved the fact that I would never go to happy hour after a hard day’s work, drink with him and catch a buzz on a Sunday afternoon watching football, get ridiculous and order shots with him and walk home from the bar.. and that was really sad for a huge chunk of time, for both of us. Soon, the realization of the benefits of our NOT drinking together started showing through those memories of what I mistakenly thought were good times. I also realized that we are in our mid 30s, want to start a family, and have a LIFE together, not a college party every weekend. He was much slower to appreciate these changes, because like you he’s not an alcoholic. He has no problem with alcohol. He can drink a beer one night with dinner, and not think about drinking again for weeks. He didn’t understand the obsessions and compulsions I went through.. how for whatever reason my mind reacted differently, that I was addicted, dependent on it and he was not.
We have very slowly found each other again, and probably for the first time ever. He didn’t even know me as “me”, he knew me as his “fun” wife, a party girl, the girl that would buy all his friends shots and usually drink them under the table. For the entire 6 years of our relationship. It has taken up until about 3 months ago, maybe even more recent than that to fall in love with me again. Once the initial “getting sober” stage was over, and we had moved a bit passed the “we can’t have any fun anymore” inaccurate thinking.. we found out how much FUN our lives are with each other! Everything is better, we do so much more, try new things.. my energy is great and my mind is totally clear. My confidence in myself is back, my anxiety isn’t disabling. He has found that as much as he liked the party girl, he really really loves his wife.
I think my point in this is that it took a long time for us to get where we are.. it took a TON of work on both sides of the street. I have attended IOP 1:1 therapy twice a week since the day after my last drink. My husband committed to not drinking around me, and not ever having alcohol in the house again. I had to feel safe in my home.. and I still do. Because he has no issues with alcohol, he couldn’t care less if he drank again, or ever had beer in the house, and I’m lucky for that. Yes, I know he’s an adult, he has the “right” to have alcohol in his home and drink when he wants, but as a person without a problem with alcohol he honestly couldn’t care less, and definitely respects me, accommodates my need to feel safe.. and finds other things to do with his time, and with me, being present in our home and in our relationship that has done his half of fostering the amazing life we now have.
Ok, I never got to a point. Take what you might find helpful in that, and forget the rest. It’s just my story.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I hear ya 9Iron.
What if.... then what and what then? Your mind is trying to process all of this and it's so far foreign to you because you haven't had to deal with this so far in your marriage.
I think the bad news is you will have to wait to see how all this plays out, step by step. I know, sounds painful. I like answers yesterday myself, but I have learned to take it as it comes.
You might be afraid that the sky might fall, but Chicken Little hasn't called it yet. 9Iron, all I can tell you is this will all play out as it should. Just take one day at a time, do your job as Mom, Dad, employee, shopper, cleaner, cook, driver etc. try to *listen* to your wife and listen more than you talk. Two people feeling confused at the same time and butting heads...but what about me and you! what about ME? is a recipe for trouble. hard as it may, just try. That's probably the best for now and then take on the next step when that comes. You don't have a road map, but you will as time passes.
and, stay off the hooch yourself. :-)
Best to you 9Iron.
What if.... then what and what then? Your mind is trying to process all of this and it's so far foreign to you because you haven't had to deal with this so far in your marriage.
I think the bad news is you will have to wait to see how all this plays out, step by step. I know, sounds painful. I like answers yesterday myself, but I have learned to take it as it comes.
You might be afraid that the sky might fall, but Chicken Little hasn't called it yet. 9Iron, all I can tell you is this will all play out as it should. Just take one day at a time, do your job as Mom, Dad, employee, shopper, cleaner, cook, driver etc. try to *listen* to your wife and listen more than you talk. Two people feeling confused at the same time and butting heads...but what about me and you! what about ME? is a recipe for trouble. hard as it may, just try. That's probably the best for now and then take on the next step when that comes. You don't have a road map, but you will as time passes.
and, stay off the hooch yourself. :-)
Best to you 9Iron.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
Flutter:
You got to the point perfectly. That right there might just be the most helpful damn post I have ever read here. You and your husband ARE me and my wife, just not in the same time period. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I need a happy ending that I can look at and strive for. I hope we can get where you're at!
I wish I could have met you back in your beer and shot days, sounds like you're a fun gal! But truth be told I think I'd like you better today and tomorrow because it sounds like you really have your act together AND are still a lot of fun. Look me up if you ever get to Chicago (and of course bring your husband along)!
Ok, I never got to a point. Take what you might find helpful in that, and forget the rest. It’s just my story.
I wish I could have met you back in your beer and shot days, sounds like you're a fun gal! But truth be told I think I'd like you better today and tomorrow because it sounds like you really have your act together AND are still a lot of fun. Look me up if you ever get to Chicago (and of course bring your husband along)!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Wow flutter... Awesome post...
When I first came to SR I was a wreck over how my intervention, rehab, and most importantly, my recovery was going to affect my relationship with the most important person in my universe... my wife. I got lots of good responses to my posts.
My wife and I were good drinking buddies... nights on the porch, under the stars, in front of the fire... lasting well in the morning, romance... great trance music, candles.... Do I miss that ??.. uh, ...yea.
But my addictions began to consume me. Those nights got less passionate and fewer in number... Some nights, well, I'd just pass out, or wait for it to be over so I could sleep.
We are finding our way... We will be fine... but it's different. At 8 months I can still get uneasy if I think too far ahead... I am OK with not drinking... she continues to have her one tall white wine spritzer at the end of the evening... we still listen to trance (I know I'm too old for that... but it's great, light some candles....)... Vacation is coming soon... There may be some awkward moments... but you know... it will be better than it has the past couple of years and I'm looking forward to it....
I was worried as hell about how AA would eat into my/our time... NOT AN ISSUE!!! 9Iron... get that behind you ASAP. Yea, at first she should go to lots of meetings... I did at first ... the whole 90 in 90 thing (didn't quite make it...), I am down to 2-3 a week and for me it's enough... When I am home, I am really there, not out of it, or taking a nap to sleep it off.... Think about the time wasted drinking, hangovers,etc.... The time spent in AA is sooooo much less.
I really needed to read your posts.... I remember how it was for me, for us, last November when I came home... the agony and worry over how things were gonna be... they are OK... really... we have faith.
Mark
When I first came to SR I was a wreck over how my intervention, rehab, and most importantly, my recovery was going to affect my relationship with the most important person in my universe... my wife. I got lots of good responses to my posts.
My wife and I were good drinking buddies... nights on the porch, under the stars, in front of the fire... lasting well in the morning, romance... great trance music, candles.... Do I miss that ??.. uh, ...yea.
But my addictions began to consume me. Those nights got less passionate and fewer in number... Some nights, well, I'd just pass out, or wait for it to be over so I could sleep.
We are finding our way... We will be fine... but it's different. At 8 months I can still get uneasy if I think too far ahead... I am OK with not drinking... she continues to have her one tall white wine spritzer at the end of the evening... we still listen to trance (I know I'm too old for that... but it's great, light some candles....)... Vacation is coming soon... There may be some awkward moments... but you know... it will be better than it has the past couple of years and I'm looking forward to it....
I was worried as hell about how AA would eat into my/our time... NOT AN ISSUE!!! 9Iron... get that behind you ASAP. Yea, at first she should go to lots of meetings... I did at first ... the whole 90 in 90 thing (didn't quite make it...), I am down to 2-3 a week and for me it's enough... When I am home, I am really there, not out of it, or taking a nap to sleep it off.... Think about the time wasted drinking, hangovers,etc.... The time spent in AA is sooooo much less.
I really needed to read your posts.... I remember how it was for me, for us, last November when I came home... the agony and worry over how things were gonna be... they are OK... really... we have faith.
Mark
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