Jaded
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
Jaded
Hi everyone,
I have been a long time lurker and short time poster and I wanted to share my story with you all.
I started drinking when I was about 13....started out with beer and gradually progressed to hard liquor when i was in my teens. I have always been a black out drinker. Constantly waking up in the morning wondering what I did, said and on many occasions where I was. I would creep to the window to make sure my car was there and sigh in relief when I saw it hadn't moved and that my keys were neatly tucked away. One of my biggest fears was that I would drink and drive and kill someone, was never worried about myself but some innocent person that I would injure or kill. I drank my way through college and eventually failed out. I moved to another town and decided to cut the hard liquor out and went back to beer. ALOT of beer. When I got married I was 23 and married a man who drinks as much as I do. Perfect I thought. Oddly it was watching him drink and pass out and do ridiculous things that started to make me wonder what the heck we were doing to ourselves. Incidents started to become more frequent....the fights, the black outs, the embarrassing moments that we would hear about the next day from friends and sometimes our bosses!!! I usually spent my hangover days crying and desperate for this all to stop. But as soon as I felt better those feelings went away. I was honestly in a black hole and for a few moments I could see the light but it was never bright enough for me to go and explore.
I started asking for help around 5 years ago but I was barking up the wrong tree since he was unable to help himself much less me. We curtailed our drinking, sticking to weekends and of course that didn't last long. I actually asked my boss, a recovering alcoholic, if I could work earlier hours so that I could go home and get wasted and sleep it off before I had to be there in the morning. He knew I was an alcoholic and confronted me many times. Like you all say, your not really hiding it that well, people DO know.
We landed up moving again to Texas and not much changed. Our weekends started spreading into the week and I was drinking anywhere between 12 - 18 beers every other night. I needed the in between day to recover since my hangovers were getting worse and I was not one to drink in the mornings because if I did that would surely make me an alcoholic! pffft. It has just been in the last month or so that I am sick of being sick. I had ten days sober and blew it and I am back on day 1 today. Now at 36, I don't know where I am going but I know where I don't want to go. I can only focus on now and start to care a little bit more about myself and the life I know is out there waiting for me. Luckily my husband is on board and we are doing this together. We know we need to focus on ourselves first but we love each other immensely and supporting one another is a top priority as well......we want to grow old together =)
My bottom is this. This feeling in my soul and heart. The impending doom I face if I continue like this. I don't want to be a statistic and I sure as heck don't want to go out this way. That's my bottom. I want to live not just exist.
Thanks for reading.
~Jade
I have been a long time lurker and short time poster and I wanted to share my story with you all.
I started drinking when I was about 13....started out with beer and gradually progressed to hard liquor when i was in my teens. I have always been a black out drinker. Constantly waking up in the morning wondering what I did, said and on many occasions where I was. I would creep to the window to make sure my car was there and sigh in relief when I saw it hadn't moved and that my keys were neatly tucked away. One of my biggest fears was that I would drink and drive and kill someone, was never worried about myself but some innocent person that I would injure or kill. I drank my way through college and eventually failed out. I moved to another town and decided to cut the hard liquor out and went back to beer. ALOT of beer. When I got married I was 23 and married a man who drinks as much as I do. Perfect I thought. Oddly it was watching him drink and pass out and do ridiculous things that started to make me wonder what the heck we were doing to ourselves. Incidents started to become more frequent....the fights, the black outs, the embarrassing moments that we would hear about the next day from friends and sometimes our bosses!!! I usually spent my hangover days crying and desperate for this all to stop. But as soon as I felt better those feelings went away. I was honestly in a black hole and for a few moments I could see the light but it was never bright enough for me to go and explore.
I started asking for help around 5 years ago but I was barking up the wrong tree since he was unable to help himself much less me. We curtailed our drinking, sticking to weekends and of course that didn't last long. I actually asked my boss, a recovering alcoholic, if I could work earlier hours so that I could go home and get wasted and sleep it off before I had to be there in the morning. He knew I was an alcoholic and confronted me many times. Like you all say, your not really hiding it that well, people DO know.
We landed up moving again to Texas and not much changed. Our weekends started spreading into the week and I was drinking anywhere between 12 - 18 beers every other night. I needed the in between day to recover since my hangovers were getting worse and I was not one to drink in the mornings because if I did that would surely make me an alcoholic! pffft. It has just been in the last month or so that I am sick of being sick. I had ten days sober and blew it and I am back on day 1 today. Now at 36, I don't know where I am going but I know where I don't want to go. I can only focus on now and start to care a little bit more about myself and the life I know is out there waiting for me. Luckily my husband is on board and we are doing this together. We know we need to focus on ourselves first but we love each other immensely and supporting one another is a top priority as well......we want to grow old together =)
My bottom is this. This feeling in my soul and heart. The impending doom I face if I continue like this. I don't want to be a statistic and I sure as heck don't want to go out this way. That's my bottom. I want to live not just exist.
Thanks for reading.
~Jade
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 602
Jade, Thank you for sharing your story...
I will try and share a little of mine as well, bare with me...I tend to ramble.
I had my first beer when I was about 15, there was always a 12 pack (rock gut beer) in the fridge. I would sneak a couple out, hide them...sneak a couple more the next day. Then when I accumulated enough to know I was going to have a party with myself, I would sit in my room and drink them...and yes they were warm, but I didn't care because I knew after a few I would feel warm and fuzzy.
I continued to mostly stick to beer through the years...but then I discovered Bud Ice (not so rock gut). Even though it contains a little more alcohol than your average beer...I still could handle a 12 pack or more.
I didn't think I had a problem until a few years ago...I didn't hit a rock bottom, or nothing bad happened. I just felt like this is not normal to be able to handle this many beers and not everyone makes it a mission to always want to drink. I used to only drink on the weekends then it lead to about every 3 days.
So many times have I wanted to quit and needed to quit...I would try, then relapse...I feel like I'm getting to the point where it's like I'm crying wolf. My poor Hubby is probably getting sick of me saying that's it, then I'm right back at it again.
My hubby used to drink a lot, but for the past few years he barely ever touches it and he doesn't have the desire to do it anymore. So, this should be fairly simple for me...since he's not drinking in front of me.
I'm on day 1 as well, I would for this to "really" stick this time. I threw out my last beer yesterday morning, so I have no alcohol in the house....I just need to tell myself "No" and stay away from the beer isle when I'm at the store.
This isn't a detailed story of things but I just wanted to share a little piece of myself.
I'm very happy to be here in SR and to still be alive...I want to continue on living, I know I have a lot to offer and I'm worth it. I just don't want to continue in the bottom of the bottle.
Thank you for letting me share and for reading this.
I'm not very good with words, so I hope what I said made sense.
Hugs,
XOXO
I will try and share a little of mine as well, bare with me...I tend to ramble.
I had my first beer when I was about 15, there was always a 12 pack (rock gut beer) in the fridge. I would sneak a couple out, hide them...sneak a couple more the next day. Then when I accumulated enough to know I was going to have a party with myself, I would sit in my room and drink them...and yes they were warm, but I didn't care because I knew after a few I would feel warm and fuzzy.
I continued to mostly stick to beer through the years...but then I discovered Bud Ice (not so rock gut). Even though it contains a little more alcohol than your average beer...I still could handle a 12 pack or more.
I didn't think I had a problem until a few years ago...I didn't hit a rock bottom, or nothing bad happened. I just felt like this is not normal to be able to handle this many beers and not everyone makes it a mission to always want to drink. I used to only drink on the weekends then it lead to about every 3 days.
So many times have I wanted to quit and needed to quit...I would try, then relapse...I feel like I'm getting to the point where it's like I'm crying wolf. My poor Hubby is probably getting sick of me saying that's it, then I'm right back at it again.
My hubby used to drink a lot, but for the past few years he barely ever touches it and he doesn't have the desire to do it anymore. So, this should be fairly simple for me...since he's not drinking in front of me.
I'm on day 1 as well, I would for this to "really" stick this time. I threw out my last beer yesterday morning, so I have no alcohol in the house....I just need to tell myself "No" and stay away from the beer isle when I'm at the store.
This isn't a detailed story of things but I just wanted to share a little piece of myself.
I'm very happy to be here in SR and to still be alive...I want to continue on living, I know I have a lot to offer and I'm worth it. I just don't want to continue in the bottom of the bottle.
Thank you for letting me share and for reading this.
I'm not very good with words, so I hope what I said made sense.
Hugs,
XOXO
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I am glad you posted here, Jade, because you will probably get more "traffic". That's great that you and your hubby are on the same page. I think it is much more difficult if one is in a different spot. My own husband doesn't drink much (which is good), but has a tough time understanding (just don't drink!), which is not so good (although to his credit, he is getting much better). *sigh* Oh well, we works with what we gots, right?
Best of luck (and stamina). I have been thinking a lot about the very fuzzy line (but critical, IMHO) between wanting to stop drinking and being ready to...
Best of luck (and stamina). I have been thinking a lot about the very fuzzy line (but critical, IMHO) between wanting to stop drinking and being ready to...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
Thanks for sharing ADAAT, your story is very familiar and I can relate to it completely. I know that crying wolf feeling as well....
HOS, I have often that about that line as well. I have been wanting to stop for years but never "ready", now I'm ready....different sensation, different mind set...it's just different. When I wanted to quit I felt like I would just say it..empty words (crying wolf), this is more about my inside, it's personal, it's not something I want to shout from the roof tops, it's like I have my armor on and I am ready for a fight, war even....does any of this make sense?
~J
HOS, I have often that about that line as well. I have been wanting to stop for years but never "ready", now I'm ready....different sensation, different mind set...it's just different. When I wanted to quit I felt like I would just say it..empty words (crying wolf), this is more about my inside, it's personal, it's not something I want to shout from the roof tops, it's like I have my armor on and I am ready for a fight, war even....does any of this make sense?
~J
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
What a relief to discover an alcoholic's "bottom" has nothing at all do material stuff, isn't it? The feeling of 'impending doom' could be God's way of drawing your attention of the need to do something different. It sounds as if you have gathered enough evidence that continued drinking is not the solution. Why try try attending a few A.A. meetings and see how other people live their life using spiritual values to overcome their problems with alcoholism? You could even pick up some literature while you are there that might help you to learn about recovery! Thank you for sharing with us your desire to stop using. It helps to strengthen my gratitude for living this new way of life! Keep coming back!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Jade, welcome. I wish you strength and perseverance for you and your husband. About 5 years before I quit drinking I realized I had a problem and it was from seeing my boyfriend drunk, I didn't like what I saw at all because it was like seeing myself. I tried to quit drinking then but instead I just got rid of the boyfriend. Life w/o alcohol is a new experience, often scary, often confusing but the rewards are immense! I've been sober nearly 2 years and life is not perfect but at least now I can look myself in the eye and like what I see, I can remember what I did yesterday, I don't have to be careful about whom I've told what lie to; I don't NEED alcohol to have a good time and I kind of feel "superiour" to those who do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
So awesome Jam, thanks for writing to me. I look forward to days of remembering the night before, not having to remember which lie I said to who and wondering where all the bruises, aches and pains came from. WHY would anyone want to live like this? Stories like yours give me such hope and encouragement that this is all really attainable...2 years is amazing and congrats on that!! Thanks again...
~Jade
~Jade
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello jade,nice to meet you.our stories are almost identical! im 36 had my first drink for effect at the age of 13 and drank alcoholicaly since then.my whole life was one disaster after the other,from family,to relationships,money, jobs, unwanted pregnancies,promiscuity,fights,broken bones,,the list is endless! anyway,,,i have been with my bf for 6 yrs and when we got together i though it was marvelous as he didnt blink when i took the morning drink,this i was soon to find out was because he too drank like i did! marvelous,,anyway the last 6 yrs have been pretty up and down for us,im amazed we are still together,i went to a very dark place about 4yrs ago and ended up in mental hospital after self harm and many suicide attempts,,blah blah blah,,im sure you get the jist,,so,in a nutshell,chaos,insanity,insecurity,etc etc.fast forward to now,today,my bf has 90 days today and im about a month more than that,,we are happy and free today,in such a short while our lives have turned around.every weekend was the same,drink until a fight or oblivion all weekend then top up rest of week and just manage through work (although i went through 3 jobs in last year of drinking and didnt have one in the end) until it all started again,,ugh.we are both in AA and this marvelous fellowship has given us life.for ourselves first and together,we are on baby steps as far as the relationship is concerned but that it fine by us.for today we are happy.if someone had of told us 6 months ago what things would be like for us now we would have scoffed.we both have peace and contentment.we live in north east scotland and we are going on the trip of a lifetime to america on the 20th june.we are staying with 3 of my friends i have met here on sr that are also in the fellowship of AA and meeting up with a couple of others hopefully! WOW! i work for the red cross in one of their charity shops and im a nice person these days,,i even like me! lol,,well,thats my ESH,i hope you get something from it.AA has given me life,and the bf too,,why not give it a go and see what you think.whatever you decide to do i wish you well!:hug
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Hi Jade, If you've been lurking for a while then you already know what most of will suggest: go to an AA meeting. It's great that you and your husband recognize that you both have a problem as you can give each other a lot of mutual support. If you want all the grim data about alcohol or alcoholism, I'd be happy to provide it. But you've probably already seen it. So try AA, and good luck to the both of you. Let us know how you're doing, ok?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
Charmian, oh I can absolutely relate to your story....all too well. If I close my eyes I can replay them in my head, it has been working pretty well as a deterrent....thanks for sharing all of that with me. <3 Oh and have an AMAZING trip to the US!!! I have been to Scotland once and loved it, hope you enjoy it here and nice and sober! How awesome!!! And CONGRATS to you and your bf for 90 and 120 days!!! (and honestly I can't wait to like myself =)
Joe, oh I def. plan on attending AA...I've been on the phone with them and have found several meetings around my place. I know I need help and support and from what I have read AA is the place to get it. If not I know there are a lot of different alternatives but I think I am going to give AA a shot first. I have read all the data on alcoholism and recently lost a half brother to liver failure due to drinking, he was 38. My birth father was an alcoholic, as well as 3 of my sisters and 2 half brothers. Thanks for writing!!! =)
~Jade
Joe, oh I def. plan on attending AA...I've been on the phone with them and have found several meetings around my place. I know I need help and support and from what I have read AA is the place to get it. If not I know there are a lot of different alternatives but I think I am going to give AA a shot first. I have read all the data on alcoholism and recently lost a half brother to liver failure due to drinking, he was 38. My birth father was an alcoholic, as well as 3 of my sisters and 2 half brothers. Thanks for writing!!! =)
~Jade
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
jade i am delighted you have to decided to give AA a go,,just be honest and open minded and you will be fine,,there is a solution! hoorah! you sound positive about going and this is just great! i am actually coming to texas,,place called sugarland in houston?? will be going to meetings in that area,,i do realise how big texas is though,,well i think i do,,lol,,well done on your decision,,you can be free now.:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
you can be free now.[/QUOTE]
wow...that brought tears to my eyes. I don't even know what that feels like and I can't wrap my mind around it.
And yep, Texas is BIG!! I'm in San Antonio...about 3 - 3.5 hours southeast....I hope you enjoy it here!! Sugarland is such a nice place!!!
~Jade
wow...that brought tears to my eyes. I don't even know what that feels like and I can't wrap my mind around it.
And yep, Texas is BIG!! I'm in San Antonio...about 3 - 3.5 hours southeast....I hope you enjoy it here!! Sugarland is such a nice place!!!
~Jade
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
jade,i too have alcoholism on both sides of my family,lost my father at 56 to it,his twin at 52,my grandfather on my mothers side and now my mum is succumbing,,, life is good though for this recovering alki! lol,,,:ghug
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Jade19 
My bottom is this. This feeling in my soul and heart. The impending doom I face if I continue like this. I don't want to be a statistic and I sure as heck don't want to go out this way. That's my bottom. I want to live not just exist.
Welcome. The feeling you describe is a really good feeling for the start of recovery. The more hopeless the better if you really want to quit drinking for good. When I got sober, I was convinced that I simply couldn't go on living another day like I was. I was filled with doom, my world was falling apart, and I was utterly hopeless. That was when I became willing to follow the directions laid out in AA's Big Book. I recovered by following those directions, and my life today is a real life full of purpose and contentment.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Jade, my name is Martin and I am an alcoholic.
Free, what an awesome feeling, I found that freedom we all yearn for in the same manner as hundreds of thousands of others, in the program and fellowship of AA. I found that if I wanted to have long term sobriety and freedom I needed to do what others with long term sobriety and freedom in AA had done before.
They went to a lot of meetings in early sobriety, I went to a lot of meetings in early sobriety.
They had a sponsor, I got a sponsor.
They became honest & willing to take the steps with their sponsor, I did the same.
They became free of the bondage of thier alcoholism and self thanks to the steps and the fellowship, I too became free of the bondage of alcoholism and self thanks to the steps and the fellowship.
They passed on to other alcoholics what had been given so freely to them to other alcoholics, I do the same today.
AA is a very simple program for very complex people, I was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober, as a result not only am I sober today, I am free!!!
I would suggest that you and your husband attend some meetings together and some meetings seperately, as your sobriety grows you will understand why I am suggesting this.
It is SO worth it!!!! It is damn hard at first, but if you all work at it, focusing on your own sobriety and not on each others it can work.
Focus on your sobriety and celebrate his as he celebrates yours.
Free, what an awesome feeling, I found that freedom we all yearn for in the same manner as hundreds of thousands of others, in the program and fellowship of AA. I found that if I wanted to have long term sobriety and freedom I needed to do what others with long term sobriety and freedom in AA had done before.
They went to a lot of meetings in early sobriety, I went to a lot of meetings in early sobriety.
They had a sponsor, I got a sponsor.
They became honest & willing to take the steps with their sponsor, I did the same.
They became free of the bondage of thier alcoholism and self thanks to the steps and the fellowship, I too became free of the bondage of alcoholism and self thanks to the steps and the fellowship.
They passed on to other alcoholics what had been given so freely to them to other alcoholics, I do the same today.
AA is a very simple program for very complex people, I was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober, as a result not only am I sober today, I am free!!!
I would suggest that you and your husband attend some meetings together and some meetings seperately, as your sobriety grows you will understand why I am suggesting this.
It is SO worth it!!!! It is damn hard at first, but if you all work at it, focusing on your own sobriety and not on each others it can work.
Focus on your sobriety and celebrate his as he celebrates yours.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Hi Jade, I was a blackout drinker from the beginning as well. Landed myself in many comprimising situations. I remember checking for my car outside the window as well. Even lost my car once in college until a kid came and asked me if I was ever going to pick my car up from his place.
I have been sober know for over 15 months and I feel free. The alcohol that once dictated my each and every move is no longer in control. My program has consisted of coming to SR, praying and thanking the lord each and everyday for my sobriety.
I hope you keep coming back, posting and doing whatever it takes to stay sober.
I have been sober know for over 15 months and I feel free. The alcohol that once dictated my each and every move is no longer in control. My program has consisted of coming to SR, praying and thanking the lord each and everyday for my sobriety.
I hope you keep coming back, posting and doing whatever it takes to stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
Thanks so much Taz and Toomutch,
Only on day 2 today and I feel a bit overwhelmed with some financial situations that have come our way. I know what the "easy" solution is but am not willing to go there.
It's amazing looking back at all my "stunts" that something worse didn't happen. But I know that it isn't far off if I continue this way.
Feeling a lot of shame when it is coming to prayer. Feeling a bit unworthy right now. I have made such a mess out of things and I have been nothing but continually blessed and what do I do? Muck it up. Now I am facing some serious financial issues and am sober 2 days. Go figure..LOL.
Lost my car a few times as well Toomutch...scary feeling. I HATE being controlled and it pisses me off that I have let this monster get so out of control and in control of me. Ughhh I'm rambling...
Thanks so much for writing. I REALLY appreciate it. =)
HUGS!!!!
~Jade
Only on day 2 today and I feel a bit overwhelmed with some financial situations that have come our way. I know what the "easy" solution is but am not willing to go there.
It's amazing looking back at all my "stunts" that something worse didn't happen. But I know that it isn't far off if I continue this way.
Feeling a lot of shame when it is coming to prayer. Feeling a bit unworthy right now. I have made such a mess out of things and I have been nothing but continually blessed and what do I do? Muck it up. Now I am facing some serious financial issues and am sober 2 days. Go figure..LOL.
Lost my car a few times as well Toomutch...scary feeling. I HATE being controlled and it pisses me off that I have let this monster get so out of control and in control of me. Ughhh I'm rambling...
Thanks so much for writing. I REALLY appreciate it. =)
HUGS!!!!
~Jade
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
