Chamabama

How do I deal with the shame?

I’m more of a secret drinker and haven’t really done anything in particular that I’m ashamed of in public. I’m ashamed that I let myself get so out of control. I know I need to tell my therapist about my problem but I’m so ashamed to let her know that I’ve done this to myself.

I feel like I could never tell my friends. Thankfully, they’re not big drinkers, some don’t drink at all.

Part of me wants to just pretend that this has never happened. Not tell anyone. My friends won’t bat an eye if I don’t drink. I never drank much in front of them anyway.

But I do think I need to tell my therapist, although I’m not sure why. Any thoughts?

suki44883

If people didn't have problems they need to work through, there would be no need for therapists. That's what they are there for. Please be honest with yours and let her know about your secret drinking. She can be a huge help to you.

lucid

IMO, having lost control to alcohol is nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a moral failing. Having said that, I think it's okay not to tell your friends, especially if you think it's not going to affect them.

I do think you should tell your therapist though. Omitting this critical piece of information could make your therapy less effective. I also think he/she could help you deal with your feelings of shame.

Chamabama

I know I need to tell her, dang it, I just don't want to. [Insert pouty face here]

My parents are alcoholics. Life has always been about secrets. I need to get rid of all the secrets, at least with my therapist. But it is so easy to revert back to the known. Everything is pretty and shiney on the outside. Keep all the ugliness inside.

Blah!

CarolD

You really do need to be completely honest with her.
Otherwise....it's a waste of time and money.....IMO

I do hope you find peace....sobriety is sooo precious

CarolD

I also suggest you read this link.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

You might consider ordering the book
lot's of interesting info.

Hope this helps....

Chamabama

That helps a lot. I should have read it before. Thank you!

coffeenut

Please be honest w/your therapist. They can't help what they don't know.

Welcome to SR. I hope you stick around!

tommyk

Ask yourself, "Why do I have a therapist?"

How can the therapist help if they aren't aware of the problem?

Anna

I think that it is the shame of addiction that stops us from getting help and stops us from recovering. I allowed the shame to overwhelm me and it took me longer to stop drinking because of that.

A wonderful SR member suggested that I keep a journal, something I really didn't want to do. I didn't want to see the thoughts written on paper. But, I was desperate to get beyond the shame and I began writing all the negative stuff in my mind. It really helped. Forgiveness does not necessarily come all at once, but you can begin today to forgive yourself.

Mark75

Tell your therapist... Then, maybe, you can start and really get at the root of this shame you are feeling... Shame sucks... I am 8 months and still struggling a little with it. I had a pretty spectacularly bad intervention at work and 2 months in rehab... which didn't do much for the self esteem.

But you gotta talk about with someone! Start NOW, lest it effect your sobriety.

Mark

Ananda

I think one of the greatest gifts I got in sobriety was to learn that we are not bad people trying to get good, but sick people trying to get well.

I remember sitting in my Dr.s office at the end and him telling me...

Alison...this isn't a moral issue here..its a health issue...your body can't process alchohol anymore...

Yep i did alot to be ashamed of in my addictions, but although i have to take repsonsiblity for those things..i understand that with alchohol or drugs in my system much of my power of choice was gone...

its a fine line, but one worth exploring for me...taking responsiblity is key, but understanding that I was ill with a sickness that impaired my ability to choose is also key.

I recomend the illiad...it has a wonderful section on when achellis gets drunk and basicly runs amok and pisses everyone off....he says the gods took away my sanity but for what i have done i will make abundant compensation...

Thats paraphrased i recomend you read it for yourself or someone else can correct me

Glad you are hear...and oh yeah...tell your therapist :ghug

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Chamabama, you have recieved imho some very sage advice, tell your therapist, honesty I have found is one of the keys to long term sobriety. That honesty does not mean one goes out and tells the whole world there secrets, but it does mean that we should not keep the secret from those we may have harmed and certaiinly not keep it a secret from those that can help us.

Secrets kept me drunk a very long time! I have no secrets today and I have found that all the shame I had to be mainly my alcoholism working on me, stopping me from seeking help from others who knew how to get and stay sober.

For me having no secrets does not mean every one knows everything about me, they do not! Not having any secrets means freedom for me, you see I have nothing to be found out about, I do not keep the fact that I am an alcoholic a secret, I do not advertise it either, being sober allows me to let the people I think need to know I am an alcoholic.

When I was drinking I could not keep my being a drunk a secret from those that saw me drunk, the last 10 years of my drinking any almost anyone who knew me knew I was a drunk even though I thought I did an excellent secret! LOL

Being an alcoholic in recovery is something that does not need to be hidden because there is no shame in being a sober alcoholic. Being a drunk........

Emimily

i can't add a whole lot to what's already been shared, but i will say this - shame is self-imposed, and takes you out of your usefulness to others. my mom used to tell me shame is sh*t. guilt, when you feel bad about doing wrong, actually has a purpose. shame has no purpose.

spill the beans, get it over with, and i betcha five bucks you feel a whole lot better once it's out in the open and you have support in dealing with it. best of luck.

Chamabama

Thank you everyone! It's what I needed to hear. I already knew the answer but I still just kinda needed to hear it outside of my own head. My appointments are on Tuesday. I'll tell her tomorrow. I know it'll be fine, but I'm nervous anyway. Perhaps it also adds a level of accountability that is good, but also makes me nervous.

I'm sure I'll feel better afterwards. I might need to write it out for her. I'm afraid I might try to minimize it if I just try to wing it.

Thank you for all the support. I very much needed it!

jamdls

I drank mostly in secret in the last 5 yrs of my drinking but people that really knew me knew I was a drunk even if they didn't see me drink. I was in therapy for years w/o admitting the seriousness of my alcohol consumption but fortunetly for me my psychiatrist could see through my deceit. You need to be honest about your drinking with any medical professional because there are a lot of medications that can have serious side effects when mixed with alchol. You should not be ashamed of your drinking problem any more than you would be ashamed of say having high blood pressure....it is a medical condition and one that can and should be treated.

Chamabama

Thanks!

I do think my friends know something is going on with me. I'm not sure that they suspect alcohol. I was a binge drinker, not a constant drinker, although the binges were getting longer and closer together. I never let anyone see me drunk. But they certainly saw me hungover.

Of the many things that hit me in the link that MorningGlory posted, one that particularly hit home was the change in the hangover. Over the past 2 months or so, my "hangover" wasn't like a hangover anymore. I think it was more like either I was drinking or in a withdrawal...

I'm not on any medication (except for thyroid) so at least I'm ok there. Sad thing is, lately my therapist has suggested I might want to see about meds for depression but I refuse because I'm afraid the bloodwork would reveal my drinking.

I'm going to come clean with her tomorrow. I'm nervous but excited. I feel like this is the begining of really feeling better and making progress. I'm sad that I've wasted this much time.

Jade19

Chamabama,

That's great!! When I told my therapist she was not at all surprised! I thought I was going to shock her or something and she was like "yeah, I wondered about that". But it was such a release to tell her and now we are finally working on deeper issues. GOOD LUCK to you!!! Keep us posted on how it goes =)

Chamabama

I just sent my therapist an email and told her. I'm shaking and crying now but I'm locked in and I know it's a good thing.

Ananda

its ok chama (hug)

sometimes the things that give us releif hurt at first...scared and anxious is ok...it will pass quickly (hug)

We are here for you as well.