coming_clean

I guess it's about three months ago i gave up drinking...my drug of choice enabler...

I guess it's about thee months ago i gave up smoking weed...my drug of choice

I lost count, can't really say specific days and or hours...believe that's a good thing..

I haven't been able to give up smoking sigarettes, but i am thankfull at least I am becoming sharper and healthier of mind every day...tomorrow i'm gonna give giving up sigs a go....gonna use experience from meditation (not getting dragged along in my own ego, with causes suffering through craving and clinging on)...it;s gonna be mostly fysically rough i expect...I have two left now, one i'm gonna finish writing this update, and the last one i'm gonna finish after doing my last houshold tasks of the day.

I'm still with the girl i met when i about three weeks clean from my drug of choice...it's my girlfriend now. This shouldn't have to do anything with recovery and all. However i've been growing wiser and more expierenced through my buddhist practise...and the whole voyage through countless recovery's and relapses. It is important I stay aware and in balance, closing and opening at the right times, otherwise a relationship could become a substitute for drugs. I could get depent on her, wich would ruin a beautifull thing and more important; my recovery.

Working daily on something I call 'life-balance' (translated from dutch). Taking one moment at a time, one day at a time, but I also try to look a bit further ahead down the road. It involves setting up boundries in wich i can function happy, peacefully and with contect, on personal, job-technical and social level. Putting slowly my hart and mind back in balance. 12 years of drug use (i'm 25), has given me way too much thinking, this causes to misinterpret feelings and that causes trouble . It involves learning to listen to my body again, wich i completely ignored over the years, nutrion, sleep, alone time, daily responsibilitys.

Maybe most important, i'm learning to cope with my hypersensitiviy....sober Finding out I had this made giving up my dope a lot easier. Throughout the weeks i've researched more about it, and i'm trying to find coping mechanisms to deal with for example crouwded places (look more downward), workstress (focussing on the job, on task at once), relationships (communication sometimes more, and sometimes less) etc. etc. I am accepting more and more that this is something that will be a part of me for the rest of my life. Meds and drugs won't help.

And last but certainly not last, i'm gonna take a cat in...a friend of mine can't take care of it and I just love the big old lazy fella

*lights second last sig*

at the moment i'm dead beat. Whent to a drum and bass party till about two a.m.....after that had wonderfull sex and a very very very heavy but in the end wonderfull fight with my girlfriend about that same sex...most of it her doing, she was drunk and all, and through a fairly abusive relationship she can get pure evil. I on the otherhand was completely sober. She really tried to hurt me in her alcoholic non intentional ways...and she succeeded. She actually made me cry for a little bit and hyperventilating, something i haven;t done in years. Even tough i was hurt and attacked (not physically!!!), i stood my ground and fought back. Told her that if she was truely this mean she should pack and go, told her I did not want so much anger and mental agression in my life. However I also knew that she was drunk so I decided to wait till the next morning to see if it was real or just drunk drama. Next morning she apologized for her actions and we had an adult conversation about her last relationship and the way she argues.

I love a good arguement, i think it's good for a relationship, it's about showing and exploring eachother personal boundries. If done right it will strenghten a relationship. However I also told her she really has to stop attacking me with really personal painfull hatefull things. told her i don't want this in a relationship, that she crossed a very important line for me, and that i could cope with it this time, but i don't want this to happen ever again. We shall see, since we got quite a personallity i expect some more fireworks in the future ...but some borders just aren't to be crossed.

All this deprived me of a good night rest and (hypersensitive) drained me completely of my energy. Still í'm glad it happened, the most valuable lessons in life often come from struggling, striving and pain so.....

Now i'm off doing some stuff in the house, after that i'm gonna smoke my last sig on the balkony...gonna get a good night rest time, the upcoming weeks are gonna be rough...

i wish you guys all the best...never give up!!!

coming_clean

one thing i want to add;

my girlfriend is not an alcoholic, i would never want a relationship with a continuesly substance abuser. It would not be healthy for my recovery. She get's drunk once in a while tough. I'm accepting this cause i believe that a part of true recovery is accepting that other people use and occasionally abuse substances, it's part of human nature. Turning into an anti-person would limit myself and my harmony and peace with the world...