CarolD

Welcome.........

I certainly hope you can work something out to benefit your future.
Because alcohol is a toxin....it damages both mentally and physically
That is a fact for everyone.

Please do keep posting...many of us are winning over addiction.

CALYNN

I'm trying not to say anything to anyone also. But, it's not about the drinking. My drinking is a result of my anxiety/depression. My friends & family have had to deal with the consequences of my anxiety & depression almost constantly for the past 5 years or so. They get frustrated because I haven't "fixed" myself yet. Yesterday, my cousin asked me if I had made an appointment yet to see a doctor about it. She asked because, like so many times before, I flaked on a planned girl's trip the weekend before because I was depressed. I was trying to be honest by telling her I couldn't go because I was depressed (instead of making up an illness like I usually do). Anyway, when I told her I hadn't made the appointment she got mad. "Just go see a shrink and get an antidepressant!". "Have you ever tried Prozac?" They all seem to think it's an easy fix - just take a pill & you'll be all better. Well, that's what really pisses me off to the point that I don't want to tell them anything. I won't make any plans to do anything with them or talk to them on the phone or return their emails for a while now. It's so frustrating. I've tried all the pills - there is no quick fix. Now, they'll wonder why I'm being distant -duh! Who wants to be put down when they're already feeling down?

I'm just venting now... Sorry about that. This is one of those times when an email to myself would be more appropriate. Maybe I'm posting on the wrong forum. Maybe a depression forum is the right place for me to be. It's complicated because I don't know if I need to fix the drinking problem before I can fix the anxiety/depression problem or vice versa. Although, I know self medicating with alcohol is preventing me from fixing anything. How can I fix anything when I just want to get drunk and sleep to make everything go away. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could go into a coma for a while & wake up when everything's better. I know that sounds stupid - problems don't fix themselves, but that's how I feel.

Ugh, and I was feeling so good yesterday. What a difference a day makes!

gerryP

Hey Calynn.

What would you like to see happen? What is the kind of life you envision for yourself? One wrought with anxiety/depression and alcoholism?

I don't think any of us want that, but it takes work and determination to make changes. I think your first steps should be getting honest with yourself first, make an app't with a Dr. to discuss your anxiety/depression and alcoholism, perhaps get a referral for a therapist and follow through.

Alcohol and med's do not mix, so yeah, I guess the bad news is that you can't drink if you are on medication. I hope I'm not getting the sense that if dealing with your mental health issues means quitting alcohol, you'd rather not be well.

Are you currently employed or at school? It all comes down to what we want our lives to be Caylnn and what we require of ourselves. Good luck.

CALYNN

Another thing I'm confused about. I've always been told you're not supposed to drink alcohol when taking antidepressants. So, you have to quit drinking first right? Antidepressants take a while to work. So, if you drink because you're anxious and depressed, how do you do that?

Does anyone have experience with this? Are there a bunch of anxious/depressed people at AA meetings? How do you even get to a meeting when you're feeling bad? I can't even leave the house because of my anxiety/depression a lot of the time. I've even resorted to ordering benzos and antidepressants off the internet because I couldn't get myself to the doctor. Now, I don't even have that as an option because the last time I did that, I got a letter from the DEA saying that it was illegal and they had seized my shipment. Also, the last shrink I went to (last summer) said I had "situational" anxiety/depression & that he would only give me a prescription for a short time (until the bad situation went away). So, now I'm cut off from any more prescriptions from him. However, the "bad situations" keep coming. At that time, I was anxious/depressed because I had just lost my boyfriend to prostate cancer. Since then, a few more "situations" have come up - I relocated for financial reasons, then my uncle passed away & the latest is that I lost my job. I feel like I'm in on a constant "run" of bad situations. Every time I attempt to get over one, here comes another one. At this point, I'm in such bad shape that I can't even get myself together enough to get a job, which will lead to another bad situation (losing my house). Does it sound like I'm throwing a huge pity party? How pathetic. Regardless, I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off.

Anyone have any experience with this? What to do? Where to start? How? Who?

gerryP

That's the things Caylnn. I used to think 'if you had my life, you would be drinking too!" I really, really believed it. i assumed that everyone who didn't abuse alcohol had their lives running smoothly.

Alcohol keeps us stuck. We can never move forward when we continue to drink to numb our feelings, to block everything out. No I don't think you are having a party, but few here were either and suffered worse hardship and found sobriety.

It's Life Caylynn and life will continue to happen whether you drink or not. Make an appointment with a Dr. so you can get these answers you are seeking and treatment that will work to get you on track. Nothing will change if you don't change it.

CALYNN

Hi GerryP - sorry if I gave you the idea that I'm happy where I'm at. I'm definitely not - which is why I'm here. I just made another post with more information. I wasn't always this way. I remember very well when I was doing great and really enjoying life. I had just bought my first house in the mountains and didn't know anyone (something I never thought I'd be able to do & very proud of that). I spent all my time fixing it up - lots of hard work and hours and hours spent doing it mostly myself. I had to learn how to use table saws and put up sheetrock & finish cabinets, install carpet and hardwood flooring. I was exhausted but enjoyed every bit of it. I even managed to meet new friends and start dating. What a great time in my life! It all started to go downhill shortly after that, little by little, one thing after another. And, I wasn't drinking then! Now, 8 years later I can't believe where I'm at. 8 years older, single again & unemployed & going broke. I was always very proud that I accomplished everything on my own, without help from anyone. Now I feel helpless and unsure that I can do anything on my own. It's so degrading & humiliating. Coping skills... Make lemonade when life hands you lemons. I guess I have forgotten how to do that. Now, when life hands me lemons I open a bottle of wine. Disgraceful! How did I get to this point? How do I get back to where I was when I was happy. Can I ever do that? Take a chance. Be letdown again. Then what? Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of trying only to fail over & over.

Pixy1

Hello Calynn, I cannot tell you how much I identify with your story. I too have had several life changing events one after the other.

I did drink before these events but the drinking has increased because of these events.

I also suffer from depression and refused to take anti depressants untill last year when my dad was dying of cancer. Yes after a few weeks I didnt feel suicidal and could get from day to day. Even when he died I was able to carry on. I continued to drink. I still managed to get from day to day self medicating with alcohol.

But a couple of months ago after puting on weight (due to the tablets) I was almost at a stand still with my emotions I decided to come off the tablets. It took around 6wks but I slowly began to feel emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I seemed to act normally to situations. Well I say normal, I was able to react rather than let things pass over me and not care.

I was still drinking and began to notice that when I did have these emotions I drank some more and the depression began to get worse. Not only did I feel like I was physically dying I began to notice my mental thoughts were verging on ridiculus. I was/am being completley irrational in my way of thinking. And in my heart of hearts I know its the alcohol. I can no longer think rationally, not because I have had sad events happen one after the other but because I have the inability to think straight any longer. This is without doubt a direct result of alcohol.

I have put the drink down. It's not easy and I couldn't do it without the help of two very special souls here on SR.

I'm not doing this for my kids, the sake of my job, home etc I am doing this for me because I don't want to die and thats exactly what will happen If I carry on.

I have tried AA and although it's not for me, there are a whole load of happy individuals there that can honestly say they love life and were once where you are now. If you haven't tried it then I believe it's worth a go. If you ring the help line and tell them you want to go but not alone they will arrange for someone to contact you and arrange a meeting. Even if you are not ready someone will help you all you need do is ask.

Where do you start?.....You have to start with you

NewBeginning010

We are here with you CALYNN :ghug: lets all get through this together. Its tough & I am also pretty new at this as well.

In regards to anxiety... it actually gets better when you stop drinking for a couple of days. Do some searches for terms like anxiety & see what you find.

There has been a ton of threads on what to say when you are trying to quit (one of them mine).People that care about you will be happy to hear you say "I am not drinking today" "anymore" "I am taking a break" "Diet" "Cant drink with a new prescription".

The people that are aware that you have a problem & want you to drink with them are the last people that you want to worry about... worry about you!

Keep posting & I look forward to your story of recovery & future happiness.

All of the best in your new life!

NB

CALYNN

Thanks Pixy for sharing your story with me & I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I may try the meetings, but I need to get myself to a better place before I can do that. I'm still not drinking and don't really have a desire to do so. My anxiety level is really high though, which also causes me to feel down & kind of "stuck". It's a trigger for me because I know having a few glasses of wine would take care of that. I called around this morning to make an appointment with a new doctor to get some anti-anxiety and antidepressants (don't have one in my new town yet) & I was told the earliest I could get in would be the 3rd week in June - how frustrating! I don't want to be "stuck" for the next month. Actually, it would be longer because the AD's take a while to work. Anyway, luck is on my side today because a friend of mine has some of each and he's going to send them to me. I have taken them both before (Zoloft & Klonopin), so I'm not worried about the dosage or side effects. Just knowing I was going to get some relief shortly made me feel somewhat better. Just curious, what AD med did you take for a short time? I remember I "lost" weight last time I took Zoloft. I certainly don't want to gain any weight as I have already put on 40 wine lbs that I still need to get off. Just another bad side effect of drinking & a reason to stay sober I guess.

I'm really glad I've found this site also. It's great to be able to share (or vent) and get some support. Just reading everyone else's posts has been a big help and very inspiring (for the most part).

Thanks again & good luck to you.

CALYNN

Hi NB - I actually found this site doing a search for anxiety! My "extreme" anxiety has gone away now after not drinking for a few days, but I still have "generalized anxiety". I was keeping it under control by self medicating with alcohol. I think I will always have anxiety issues. I know they're worse now because of everything going on in my life. Hopefully, now that I'm not drinking I'll be able to sort some things out and get the anxiety back to a manageable level shortly.

Hugs back and good luck to you too!