SullenGirl

28 days ago, I made my way three hours back home, on a bus, completely wasted out of my mind. Since then, things have started looking up. 2 years ago, I lost the man I considered the "one who got away," due to my drinking, and he has recently come back into my life. I had lost my job due to my drinking, and I have recently started summer classes at the University in town. I have looked into volunteering and my relationship with my daughter is stronger than ever.

This morning I woke up in a NASTY. I started to become paranoid about the man in my life -- "does he really like me?" "does he miss his ex?" "Is he just bored?" and any other possible worry I could muster. I found out that my daughter's soccer games were too far out of town, which meant she wouldn't be able to participate seeing how we don't have a vehicle. I have been waiting for my student loan to kick in as it's my only financial resource at the moment "I hope I don't get evicted" "I need to pay the bills.." And, my first test is tomorrow, in a subject I am not so great in... "I'm in my last year, what if I don't make it?"

Today is the first day I seriously contemplated hitting up the liquor store in the last 27 days. I ended up buying a pepsi instead, but I recognise this deeply rooted dread I feel and it ALWAYS convinces me to drink, sooner or later. I keep reminding myself that as much as I'm paranoid about it all being taken away from me now, nothing good has ever came from me drinking, and it's more likely to be taken away from me drunk. I almost feel like I fear success? Like I feel as though I don't deserve it or something? Does this dread ever go away? What can I do to SERIOUSLY make myself change my thinking. I find it SO easy to give into the dread... How do I make it stop?

Anna

Oh SullenGirl, you did great!

And, I was like that too, believing that I did not deserve anything good in my life. I was afraid of succeeding because I had no idea where it would lead. I was used to messing things up. And, yes, this feeling can go away, slowly, but surely. Believe that you do deserve a good life. We all do. Take the leap of faith and see what success feels like. It will be amazingly freeing for you!

SullenGirl

This is SO true. After I mess things up, I almost feel relieved that whatever I messed up was over... The pressure of keeping it going, keeping it successful was gone! Wow, I never really thought of that... I almost think that is what the dread is now?? Thank you!

Mattcake

Sullen, good job on reaching out for the Pepsi - and SR

Funny, a few days ago I was reading about fear of success. It's almost as common as fear of failure... I think that a good way to deal with it is by trying to turn the fear into excitement, by trusting your own process... Like Anna said, we all deserve success. We're worth the effort

Wolfchild

There is a passage in the NA Basic Text that says, "There is something inside us that cries out for failure". This helped me to see that much of my actions in active addiction were just that. i thought for a long time that there was something permanently broken inside me and that i didn't deserve to have any lasting happiness. When i failed, it was like at was at peace with everything again. When i suffered emotional hurt, i thought it was Karma coming back to get me for something i had done to someone else. i often sabotaged every opportunity God gave me to live a productive life. i was bent on self destruction at any cost. Suspicion, paranoia, doubt, and fear became so ingrained in the very fabric of my life that i didn't know any other way to live. i believed that i was a lost cause with no hope of anything real.

After coming to the NA Fellowship, i saw the line in the Basic Text which says, "We don't have to settle for the limitations of the past." That sounded so good to me that i had to see if could be true for me. i started to put it into practice, first through abstinence from my own twisted thinking and then in my communication with others. Practicing what each Step reveals is possible for me has showed me that i'm not a bad person (i've just made bad choices). Today, i live a life that i never thought possible. i've got genuine acceptance, love, and faith for myself and i can do those things that i had once felt i'd never be able to achieve or have for myself. i am so deeply grateful for my life that i have almost forgotten about alot of the pain i used to walk around in every day.

It's great that your back and keep on posting! We'll get through it together!

Antone

You sound serious to me! Some of your concerns MAY come to fruition even if you stop drinking. Many of your concerns likely WILL come to fruition if you go back to the bottle. CONGRATULATIONS on buying that Pepsi! Keep it up one day at a time!

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Sullen!

Well I can tell you how I changed mine, I changed mine through the 12 steps of AA taken with a sponsor and the fellowship of AA.

I found it easy to give in to the dread as well, for many years my way of staying stopped was to just not drink, that was it, that was all I did, I just did not drink! Things would get better some what, but drinking had been the solution for every problem I ever had in my life and without the solution of drinking I became anxious, irratable, & discontent, with out drinking I had no solution for life. I always wound up drinking again because I had changed nothing about me. You see I am an alcoholic whether I am drinking or not, & alcoholics drink!

Well the last 5 years of my drinking were done alone in my garage, I had lost the ability to choose whether or not I was going to drink.......... I had to drink every day or bad things started to happen.

I finally had a moment of clarity where I saw my life fast forward if I continued to drink.... basically the lose of every person and material thing I had in my life leaving me with nothing but my bottle and a slow death from alcoholism. I surrendered to the fact that I needed help and that I had no idea how to stop drinking and stay stopped.

I called the alcohol & drug hotline that night and saw a doctor, I told him the whole truth about my drinking, he told me I needed to be medically detoxed. Well I finally was willing to listen to a suggestion from some one because I had finally just admitted I did not know what to do.

In detox they told me to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor! Well my way never worked before so I followed thier suggestion! I went to AA and I got a sponsor. My sponsor and others in AA shared with me that the way they had stayed sober and happy was to take the 12 steps of AA with thier sponsor! Well I did just that and they were right!!!!

I am a different person today, I have a new solution to life other then alcohol, that solution I have found is the same solution that hundreds of thousands of alcoholics have found.... applying the 12 steps of AA to all areas of my life. I have a new life today, one that I never would have dreamed of.

I changed and life changed, the idea of a drink being a solution or a relief from anything has been lifted.

SullenGirl

Thank you so much everyone! It's so nice to hear from people who have felt exactly like I do right now. I try to talk to my friends about it, and they're definitely supportive, but they don't really GET it, ya know? As much as they have been on the brunt end of my drunken antics, I think they are in just as much denial about my problem as I use to be. They only seem to be concerned about me not drinking, in the moment... Once I quit for awhile they are convinced "I'm fine."

Wolfchild, you completely described EXACTLY how I feel. When I read your words, I felt as though I had put them together myself.

Who ever came up with the idea of this website is a flippin genius! It has helped me so much just knowing there are other people like me out there.

Again, thanks to everyone! I feel great today... Just what I need to get me started on another 27 days!!

Tazman53

sullengirl the idea of one alcoholic or drug addict helping another has been around since at least 1939 when AA began coming of age. I would not be sober today if it were not for other recovering alcoholics sharing thier experince strength and hope with me.