day 1....
 

more then two months I quitted unconditionally with drinking alcohol, enabler to my drug of choice. This was pretty easy.

More then one month ago I quitted smoking marihuana, my drug of choice. This was a hell of two weeks. About one week later I found out i am a hyper sensitive person. This explained my problems with drugs, life and people. It explained my search for spirituality, truth and inner peace.
I had the whole 25 years of my life fitted together in the last two or three weeks ago.

Altouhg it is not wise in the first phases of recovery to date, I met a nice girl. Thank god my hapiness is not depending on her, otherwise she could become a spiriual substitute for drugs and problems. I actually told her that she was coming in my life at a bad time, and that i need space and time to get things together. I will break things up if necessary, my recovery is number one. Allready lost loads of friends and i just can't be bothered :) .

Realised my mind and life are in continues overdrive. now i'm learning to take step back. Using drugs made my to 'open'. Now i'm closing and healing my soul. Sounds silly, bit it is the only way for me to describe it.

Anyways, today i didn't smoke sigarettes either. So I finally made it once again, to a true and pure day one. I did drink some cafaine, but i now reconizge my overcompensating behaviour so i can keep it under control.

Im happy, gratefull and content for my path of suffering the last half year or so. It made me so truth and guidance.

love,

CC, so good to see you back! thank you for the update...
I too, am a highly sensitive person, and I understand...
you are absolutely right about how drugs can cause us to be too open, and the concern is what it can leave us too open to:wink3:

You sound great, and congratulations on putting down the cigs...I know you have been working on that one for a bit...

It is wonderful when we can reach a place a gratitude for all of the struggle and suffering we have been through..good on ya...hugs..

From AA Big Book, Chapter 9, "We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap. "

Good for you CC! Keep up the good work and keep your self and your sobriety at the forefront.

J

day 2....

heat...

taking a lot of heat from my family. I write on some dutch social network, something like facebook about my hypersensitivity and some of my struggles with addiction. Total transparency is the only way to stay clean and strong for me. My familily mistakes some of my writings as a heavy form of autism, manic depression, lonelyness, and more....they call me frequently to ask me if i feel okay. My sister asks me to commit myself or at least go to a shrink.

Funny thing is they have been sending me my whole life to shrinks and psychologists, and those persons keep telling me i actually have a very acurate and realistic view on life. I allready know all the solutions to my 'problems'.

So, during the past few weeks i came to the conclusion my dependancy on my parents approval and acceptence for who I am (wich I almost never get, unless I do what they want) has been one of my main issues in life. Will never ever get it and the harder i fight the harder they try to convince me i'm crazy. I live on my own now for about six years, but 18 years of living with my familiy under one roof has left me with major self-esteem problems, social paranoia, and commitment issues. Through my battles with addiction ive been graduately overcoming these problems, and it feels like i'm in a closing fase know.

know the emotional background wich keep on triggering my relapses.

told my familiy i don't want contact with them anymore. There continues phonecalls and psychiatric commitment pleas (never been commited before, there was no need according to professionals) are making me just a little bit unstable. Not much, have learned not to get too much personally involved with there egocentric and materialistic views on life and me. But still, even a little of unstability is not what I need right now.

Told them to stay out of my life. That I will contact them, maybe never, maybe in months or years, or days.....I don't really now, but i will not commit more energy to them. My recovery is too important to be messed with.

Sounds like a really tough time for you, but it also sounds like you are thinking about your recovery, and the importance it holds for you and taking steps to take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing !!

day 5,

Can't believe i'm fully fully clean! No booze, no marihuana, no sigarettes, no huge amounts of cafaine. No pornografy. It's wonderfull :). My energy level is way up, i still have my smokerscough, but this time my lunges will start cleaning themselves in a while. That'll mean more oxigen, even more energy, better breathing for meditation and excersising.

Yesterdag I had a rough evening. The girl i'm dating smokes sigarettes, we were both of from work and we spent the entire day roadtripping and chilling out. Really awsome and so relaxing. Had a few good and hard sigarette cravings around her. Since I like her my 'defences' are a bit low and that tends to make me weak. However, I fully realise and embrased the thought I will be a sober and clean person for the rest of my life.

Gotto go, small meditation, shower, breakfast, work, housekeeping,

a good day ahead :)

:c029:

Keep up the great work!!