stepdunn

Hello, I’m new to this site and well…new to all of this! After 5 years of marriage I have finally put all the pieces together and figured out that my husband is an alcoholic and I am his enabler/provoker. So after all this time I have been feeling neglected, anxious, self conscious let down and put down my monster finally has a name. I’m planning on going to a therapist and Al-Anon when I get home (work keeps me out of town frequently) so I can deal with the issues head on. For now I’m reading everything I can to educated and prepare myself.

Here’s my current dilemma…The moment I realized what was going on, I got this huge sense of anger and rage toward my husband. I literally divorced him in my head. Is it normal to have such a strong reaction when you finally figure out what’s going on? I mean, before I realized he had a disease I felt like I should continue to work on myself and our marriage…I never considered leaving him in spite of all of our problems. Now that I know he’s an alcoholic I don’t want anything to do with him.

Has this happened to anyone else? Am I being insensitive? Is this just a reaction and I will calm down in a few weeks/months or is this an indicator of the toll the mistreatment has taken on me? I don’t know. This is my 1st attempt to talk to anyone about this (again, because of work) so I am open to any sort of advice and/or support.

Thanks

OZboy

I'm sorry about this situation,but I do know that you will get lots of support
here.You just wait and see! Oz..

flutter

Sorry that you're feeling this way, sounds like you have a good plan. I wonder though, if you have accepted alcoholism as a disease (some people believe in that, some do not..), but you say that you were wanting to work on the issues UNTIL you found out that 'he had a disease'? What if he had any other disease, if that's the model we're following here? My husband was very angry with me (I'm the ex-drinker in the relationship), UNTIL he read about the disease of alcoholism, which helped him accept a few things, and support me. Since then, however in our own personal journey, the disease model has been a bit debunked, and I no longer lean on it myself.

Just curious, that part kind of confused me.

I hope you get the support you need, there is a great Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum too with a lot of people who've walked in your shoes and have wonderful thoughts and offerings of support.

Take care!

joedris

Alcoholism is a disease and has been recognized as such by the AMA since 1956. Unfortunately, not much is known it, and even the medical community cannot agree on how to define it. Not much research is done on it as society, while deeply affected by it, generally thinks it to be a behavioral problem and not as medical one. And 10% of those that drink are alcoholics. 60% of those have a family history of alcoholism.

All that being said, your husband has a disease and I assure you that he didn't volunteer to get it. He is not at fault for being an alcoholic, so being angry at him for having the disease is futile. He is, however, responsible for his behavior as an alcoholic. So if you want to be mad, be mad at his behavior.

The next issue is important here. Does he know he's an alcoholic? Have you talked to him about his drinking? Because if he doesn't admit that he has a problem, then there's not a thing you can do for him. You have to look out for yourself. You seem to be on the right track in that respect with the therapist and Al-anon. You may want to suggest that he sees a counselor or that you go to one together.

The main thing I, as a 12th degree black-belt alcoholic, can recommend is to calm down and not dispise your husband because of his disease. It's not his fault. He is, however, responsible for his actions and if he doesn't accept that responsibility, then you've got some serious issues. I hope that things work out well for you. You'll always find support on this site, and there's also one for families you might want to check out.

louis

Hi... i dont really have any advice but wanted to welcome you to the site...

I hope when you have had time to think thing through an digest everything that you will make the right dicision for YOU!!!!!

be well
louis

stepdunn

Thanks Flutter for raising a very valid question and you’re right, if it was leukemia or something like that I would support him all the way. I think I reacted the way I did because for the 1st time, MY blinders have come off! I’ve had a lot of time to think about all this and go over all the conversations and situations that have happened that were HUGE RED FLAGS that I chose to ignore. I’m incredibly mad at myself and I’m projecting it onto him.

My husband was an alcoholic when I met him (I actually cushioned his fall that could have been his rock bottom…I’m such the efficient enabler!) and he hasn’t changed except that he’s gotten quite a bit worse. I am his 2nd wife, his 1st wife left him because he was an A and a she picked up on it ASAP. I have mentioned to him several times that his drinking was a problem and he always sheepishly kicks his feet around then continues to pour his drink (that should answer your question, joedris). He is choosing to drink over me, even though he has already lost one marriage, and that hurts me.

I guess I’m mad at myself for ignoring all of the warning signs…I’m a pretty smart girl, I just lost site of the big picture. Now the blinders are off and I can focus on myself and my needs. I really appreciate all of the kind words and support from this site and I will keep updating as things change! I’ll probably post in the ‘Friends and Family’ section since I’m not so new any more

McGowdog

You may have thoughts of bailing on him because he's an alcoholic. I'd think that would be instinctual. But If you go to alanon, you'll find that eliminating him might not eliminate the problem for you 100%.

In a perfect world, he recovers from alcoholism, you recover from alanonism, and you both live happily ever after. But to think you might be perhaps spiritually sick, as well as him, that's quite a pill to swallow. But it goes like this; in the final analysis, your problems are of your own making. You can recover from your sickness regarless of what he does. Make sense? For if this wasn't true, you'd rely on him to change in order for you to be ok. That's not fair.

And why do you think you found him in the first place? Was he not an alky or potential alky from the get-go? If you say no, you're implying he got that way since he met you. If that's truly the case, fine. But if it's not, who's to say you won't find yourself in a relationship with another alky down the road?

Some say there are two sides to this "illness". Let's just not use the "disease" model for simplicity. If you go online or have an A.A. book handy, read Chapter 8 To the Wives and see if something doesn't click in there for you.

Go well and I hope things work out for you both.

joedris

What the dog says rings true. And yes, you answered my question. If he's been given a choice of you or alcohol and has chosen alcohol, then I'd advise you to bail on out of there. But remember, I'm an alcoholic, not a marraige counselor. You need to focus on yourself. You can't do anything for him. The therapist and al-anon are good ideas. Get rid of the anger. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the serenity prayer. It goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I think that this would help in your case, and I wish you the best of luck.