dedubya

my daughter (18) has moved out- year ago- she wants to sleep here with her 'boyfriend' because neither of them work- he (and her- but she is detoxed for 9 days and pretty sure she is sober- doesnt drink at all) is on oxy. I told her no- it isnt right for a man to sleep in his daughters (my) house that way. I have lived with girls without being married (in my own apt then)- but this seems wrong. comments? She is giving me **** about this- and I am pretty much insane trying to get my crap together.....anyway thought I would ask.
dub

tellus

Your house, your rules. Full stop. If you're not comfortable having him there, then he shouldn't stay there.

dedubya

thanks- I do not know....

mle-sober

The fact alone that you have your hands full taking care of yourself - that alone makes it the wisest decision to tell her, gently, no. You love her, you want her to have a good life, but no.

Additionally, being only 4 months sober at the most (by my count) allowing this scenario which causes you stress into your space - well - it's unwise.

You daughter may be the most wonderful person on earth. And same for her boyfriend. But you are uncomfortable. That is important. She is creating a certain drama for you that us alcoholics are sometimes drawn into. It's dangerous. It's a good idea to have her occassionally over for a ice tea or meet her down the street for a sandwich. I'm not saying cut contact. FOSTER contant. But not the kind that she seems to think she's entitled to.

Find the wisest self inside yourself and come from that place. Not the emotional self (I should, I owe her, I'm bad if I don't). And not the pure rational self (she needs a place, I have space). Come from your wise self that already knows the answer.

This is hard but you can do it!

Anna

I went through that with my son and my daughter and, to be honest, it didn't bother me at all. What can I say, I'm a child of the sixties. Both of my kids are now happily married.

However, the boyfriends/girlfriends who slept over were long-term and serious and it wasn't a case of revolving people.

Aysha

Considering what you have been posting about your own issues.
I say whatever makes you comfortable.
Its your house.
But also ..My gram was always pretty open to me having my BF spend the night when I was old enough.
Like Anna pretty much.
So I really have no advice.

mle-sober

Is this just about your daughter having a man sleep over? It doesn't sound like it to me. What else is it about for you Dedubya?

joedris

It's your house so the golden rule applies here. You have the gold, you make the rules. As a father myself I would allow my daughter and her boyfriend to move in under normal circumstances, but if he's on oxy that's not normal. You have enough on your plate w/o having to deal with a practicing addict under your roof. You have to be selfish here, dubs, because your own recovery has to take presidence over all else. And I would explain the situation in that manner, as well as reiterating any moral issues you have.

marty888

Dub, as a dad to 2 teenage daughters myself I agree with you 100%, maybe I am old fashioned, but my house my rules. The guy should show you that respect man.

flutter

I support you.. and I agree that right now you need to care about you. They are adults, they'll figure something out.