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All kinds of feelings

Old 05-14-2009, 08:49 AM
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All kinds of feelings

Hi everyone,
I hope you're all having a great day today!
Today is the fifth day of no drinking for me. I've gone plenty longer before (binge drinker more than a daily drinker), but since I made the decision to stop, 5 days just seems like a really long time.

Now I am having all these feelings that alcohol has helped me mask before. Feelings of guilt, shame, anger, embarrassment, inadequacy, disgust, fear, sadness, sensitivity. There's more, but I'm having a hard time articulating. I'm crying more easily; kind of like I'm a scared kitten or something. It's a strange phenomenon. Exhilarating, but strange, nonetheless.

Last night I got all the way home and didn't even realize that I didn't have to talk myself out of NOT stopping at the wine store. I drove past it and must have been thinking about something else. Weird. (And probably a fluke, because it's only been 5 days, but thank God for small favors.)

I'm not ready to go to meetings, guys. And I'm not really sure if I even want to go (or need to go? or can face going?) I am a Director of Nursing at a large organization and I can't risk the scrutiny right now. My drinking has never affected my work or my reputation, (that I am aware of at this point).

OK, I'm rambling. Excuses are a dime a dozen. Anyway, I just wanted to share about all of the feelings and emotions that have been surfacing as a result of not drinking. I feel like I am bursting with all kinds of wacky feelings.
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Old 05-14-2009, 08:53 AM
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hey!

Congrats on 5 days!!! thats so awesome! I can totally relate to your statements about having new feelings. Since getting clean I've stopped being numb and started actually being sad/happy/angry/etc.. I'd suggest getting to a face-to-face AA meeting just to network and get some support. Meetings always help me! You can get meeting lists off google!

Take care and stay safe!

Rach
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:23 AM
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Wow its like listening to my own story. Actually its funny you should mention feelings because after 6 days sober, I am starting to dream about the one person I let go and whom I now believe is my only love. She is gone now and never coming back, but the feelings that have been masked my drinking are emerging now and its really hard to face. Thank god for these forums and for supportive people in my life. From one wine drinker to another, good luck. We're in this together.
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:24 AM
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Hi....

Congrats on 5 days.... i get what your saying about it feeling hell of a lot longer.... i used to binge drink... then it became more and more regular...
It may feel different this time because your conscious of trying to stop... where as before it was just a normal routine you were in... and afew days were normal betweeen drinks...

Its good about the not thinking about going to the shop.... seriously dont knock a gift horse hey.....

I understand the feelings too.... now that i've stopped numbing my feelings i am finding it really hard to cope... but i have to cope... cant go back to how it was.... no real life that way... just existing between drinks.

You say your not ready for meetings... there are other things you can do... there are counselors... SMART (not sure i am allowed to advertise that here.... so appologies if i am not) is good too... also there are online AA meetings if you dont want to go to others.... but you really do have to have some face to face support... i tried doing it myself... as have many here and its a hard uphill battle.... having someone to lean on WILL make it easier...

Make it easier on yourself... your facing alot...
I wish you well.... and pleased to meet you

Be well
louis
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:51 AM
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Helluvacook do not worry, what you are going through right now is pretty standard in early sobriety, feelings and emotions are all over the place, up and down like a rolloer coaster ride, as time passes (Not 2 or 3 weeks) things start to smooth out, the more I worked on changing me and cleaning up my side of the street the smoother that roller coaster ride gets.

I am a Director of Nursing at a large organization and I can't risk the scrutiny right now.
I had to chuckle a bit when I read that, I know for a fact that there are HUGE numbers of doctors, nurses and other health care professionals in AA, I know for a fact there is an AA group named Agape at a huge medical center, here is the link Sheppard Pratt Health System-FAQ The Agpe AA group meets 3 times a day every day in 2 different rooms in a building right on the medical center.

One of my daughters went through rehab there for anorexia, I stayed up there for 3 weeks and attended a ton of AA meetings, there were doctors, nurse, therapist, department heads all in attendance.

Alcoholism knows no class, no age group, nor race. I attend AA meetings with politicians, lawyers, business owners, a minister, government workers with Top Secret clearances, I also know one person in AA that is in church of one of the largest nursing institutions in the US.

I look at it this way, which would I feel better about some one saying behind my back:

"Did you hear that Martin is a recovering alcoholic who attends AA meetings"

OR

"You know I heard that Martin is a drunk when he is not at work?"

I know what I have chosen and I do not have a single regret about it, as a matter of fact I have people come to me for help for an alcoholic friend, people look up to me for overcoming my alcoholism.

I was at one time known as a drunk behind my back, I did not find that out until I had been sober over a year!
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:52 AM
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Thank you so much everyone! This place is wonderful!

My doctor is looking for an alcohol specialist in my area. I think I will start there. I have been seeing a therapist for other issues, but her solution is "don't drink." Haha. So simple, give the woman her own TV show, she found a cure!
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:04 AM
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I know right! People who have never been through it should never give advice. Its infuriating because with that advice comes judgement because they don't understand why we just can't stop.
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:10 AM
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Hi,

Congrats on being sober...You have already proven to yourself that you can do this...

The emotional roller coaster ride will ease up with each passing day of sobriety...

Keep posting, I am glad you found us...
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:06 PM
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Welcome and congrats on staying sober for another day!!

What's your life worth to you? To go to an AA meeting and finding the help you need to stay sober OR worrying about what people will say if they found out you went to an AA meeting? For real, it's just an excuse that you alcoholism is forcing you to believe so it can keep control of your life through fear. If a doctor told you that you had a disease, would you not take immediate action to arrest that disease and begin a healing process? Would you let what people might say about your disease keep you from getting treatment? Look, don't take my word for it. Get hold of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and read about it for yourself.

BTW~ i am very grateful that you have come here willing to share about your problem.

Hang on and don't take that first drink!
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Old 05-15-2009, 04:50 AM
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Thank you so much Taz and Wolf. I get it. Thanks for making me look a little deeper. I think that the real issue may be that I am very afraid that I will suddenly be the talk of the organization, and several things may happen: 1. My decisions past present and future as a director will be questioned. 2. My staff will lose respect for me. 3. I will be asked to step down from my position. 4. I will go back to drinking and my secret will have been let out for nothing. (That's my biggest worry, sadly.)

I know full well there are many people in my field that are in recovery. There are a few at my organization that I know of. Out of 2500 people, I can think of 6 or 7. I know I am not alone, and I know I am not special, it's just that I can't untell it once I tell it.

I'm not refusing to go, I'm just struggling with it right now. Funny, really. Because I went freely to AA meetings with my ex who was a terrible alcoholic. I was willing to do anything to help him. So I went to AA with him and I went to alanon, and I went to counseling. I nursed him and enabled him and almost loved him to death. Now I won't go to a darn AA meeting for myself?
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Old 05-15-2009, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
I look at it this way, which would I feel better about some one saying behind my back:

"Did you hear that Martin is a recovering alcoholic who attends AA meetings"

OR

"You know I heard that Martin is a drunk when he is not at work?"
That is great Taz!

Cook, I went through nearly a year of all those emotions you talk of, other than going to work I barely left the house cause I was so ashamed of the drunk I had been. All the soul searching that we do of ourselves takes time and it takes time to forgive ourselves. It took me a week of sobriety before I went to an AA meeting and the first couple of meetings I slipped in late, sat in the back and snuck out at the first chance. I think it was at the 3rd or 4th meeting that there was a man who was the leader that night, a nice looking man probably in his early 40s. He told a portion of his story and when he got to the part where he said he knew that if he didn't stop drinking he'd risk losing his medical license I started listening. There are all kinds of people in AA. I quit going to AA after about a dozen meetings not that there was anything wrong with it but I didn't feel it was for me, however, I continue to read AA literature and I practice my version of the 12 steps, the knowledge, understanding, and acceptance I received from AA has been invaluable.
The first year I was scared to death that people knew what I had been, now I'd be proud to shout from the rooftops that I am a recovering alcoholic and I don't need the dang wine etc to have fun/unwind/ whatever!

Judy
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:52 AM
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sometimes in AA they say "dont drink and go to meetings"....so your therapist is onto something there....

there's much more than just that as well...and it sounds like you are doing more than just not drinking.

good for you

oh...and i can relate to the feelings....i've been all over the map lately (or i'm just noticing it more lately)
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