martha27

Today is my first day sober, in yet another attempt at sobriety, I have tried and failed twice before, I was sober for 7 months and then the last time only 2 months. The good news is that I have only fallen off the wagon for 4 months and I desperately want to stop again.

I hate alcohol, I hate who I am when I am drunk, I hate the fact I have no control over it, I hate waking up with a hangover ( 4 days out of 7), I hate my behaviour, I hate humilating myself, I hate the fights, I hate what it is doing to my looks and my health, I hate what I have allowed myself to become.

I am a 36 year old business owner and wife and mother, I am the secret drinker, the equivilant of the house wife with the bottle of vodka in the vacum cleaner. By day a successful business woman, by night a drunk. Normally publically I can keep it under control, I am very strict, however this does not alway work and i have blow-outs, the worst part is that I have black-outs and can very rarely remember anything that happened, I am just left with my husband who picks up all the pieces.

I feel very ashamed of my addiction, I am an alcoholic, I have never really dealt with the reality of it before, its always been just one more drink, just one more night...No more

I am looking forward to being the best I can possibly be. I know I will have challenges and physical withdrawals but I am ready for the challenge and if I fall over I am going to keep going, hopefully with the help of this site.

Leslie83

Good luck in getting sober. You sound similar to my type of alcoholism. With me it isn't a secret. They know my name at the ABC store, all my family and friends know and I get drunk and tell people all kinds of stuff. I just don't remember most things i've told them. I'm lucky someone hasn't killed me.

Missybuns

Welcome and congrats on day one!

Do you have a plan to help you stay clean and sober?

Plan your play, then play your plan.

You seem to have a serious attitude about changing your life.

Acceptance is key.

Gratefully recovering addict,
Missy

NewBeginning010

Welcome to SR :ghug we are all here with you fighting this addiction. I look forward to reading about your story of recovery. You can do this

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life" used to be my signature... not sure why its not there but I am going to go & find it. I remember giving that quote to my Dad when I was a kid.

Wolfchild

Welcome and keep coming back!!
Going to AA meetings is a good idea. You are sure to find the help and support you need with your decision to stop drinking. Why not pick up some literature while you are there? It would give you something better to do when the desire to drink seems overwhelming. Give yourself a break and keep asking for help!!

martha27

Thank you so much for your useful advice, I am now at the time of night when I can feel the tension building as I start to crave a drink, reading your posts has helped me in two ways a) giving me support and not making me feel so alone B) giving me some home work to follow up. Thank you so much, I look forward to a few months from now.

least

Congrats on deciding to get sober. LIfe is so much better sober than drunk. Welcome to SR!

Tazman53

Welcome to SR martha. If you are experiencing any type of withdrawal syptoms you should really see your doctor and be totally honest with your doctor about your drinking. The reason I say this is the withdrawals from alcohol can kill! Another thing withdrawals can do is make one pick up a drink to make them go away, a doctor can either put on into detox or give them meds to help them get through withdrawals.

One thing that can be a tremendous help is a long term recovery program, that way you have the support of a group of people who have found a proven method of staying sober. getting sober I have found is actually far easier to do then staying sober.

I use AA to stay sober, you could give that a try or another recovery program, staying sober is not easy, why do it alone?

Hevyn

Welcome to the family Martha. I could've written your post - more than 20 years ago. Sadly, I didn't acknowledge what I was doing to myself the way you have. Chaos and tragic events followed me through those years, yet still I tried to "moderate" with always failed results. SR strengthened me in ways I never could have predicted - so many of the words said here float around in my head all day, comforting me. We're glad you're here.

TigerLili

Welcome Martha! I could have written your post - I really relate to much of what you said. I'm 7 months sober in AA and it's not fantastic all the time, but it's so much better than it was. If you had told me a a year ago that I could get through the day without thinking about drinking, craving a drink or having that yes-no-yes argument with myself about whether or not I was going to drink that day, I wouldn't have believed you.

I wish I had found out about rehab and detox when I first tried to get sober. I didn't realise it might have been useful for someone like me. Maybe talk to your doctor about options - you definitely need some support to quit. Don't try and be a hero and do it on your own.

:ghug2

adore79

flutter

I totally could have written that too.. tho I tend to hide the vodka in the dresser

Welcome to the family, a lot of us have been where you are, and are where you will be soon

I was able to finally quit when I desired sobriety more than another drunken night. So far it's worked pretty well.

jamdls

Hi Martha, welcome to SR. I too could have written your post 2 yrs ago, except for the vacuum cleaner part... I live alone so didn't have to hide my booze. Sobriety is a tough road but you do deserve to be the "best you can possibly be". I love the woman I've become in the past 2 years, I'm proud of who I am, and you will be as well.
SR offers great support but face 2 face support is vital whether AA, or counseling or something because IMO until you deal with the reasons why you drink you won't be able to stop.

Judy

martha27

Thank you so much for all of your posts, I have been reading SR 3-4 times a day, all of the old posts even going back to 2008 have really helped me cope. The last few days have been foul, despite medication and a plan etc the physical withdrawals have not been as bad some people on this site, but one thing I do suffer from is migraines, it was actually these wicked migraines which have finally convinced me to give up the booze (& pot) for good, I have gotten to the point where I have up to two a week, at first the came with hangovers, however detoxing I have just had one for days that won't quit finally i am coming through the other side, I feel depressed, I feel sad, I feel really really anxious, I feel like I have been run over by a bus, but I no longer feel like ringing and ambulance and finally the migraine has abated. My annoyance is I thought the migraines only came with the hangovers, but they are still here and usually I would drink my way through the pain, which I have to admit helped. How tragic. Does anyone else get migraines?

I really admire the honesty of SR members in sharing your stories, it has helped me enourmously. I have kept mine a secret, I am even detoxing in secret. Its my nasty horrible little secret. I have a public profile which does not help matters, I was on TV the other night my 3rd day of sobriety, I didn't even watch it, my publicist rang me to berate me telling me I looked *beep* awful, I remember the day they filmed i had a hangover I couldn't even be bothered putting lipstick on, I just wanted a drink. For someone suffering paranoia looking like an alcoholic bag lady on national TV hardly did me the world of good, it certainly agrivated my negative feeling about myself, I felt like a looser, if only my publicist could see me know she would really know how awful i can look, a real life Princess Fiona.

I watched Celebrity Rehab and cringed....I think they will all fall of the wagon, but hey who am I to judge? I just know its not a game and it certainly does feel like disease and not one I would like to share any futher on TV.

Anyway I am rambling, I guess I am still struggling, I think I will find the real me somewhere in this hideous fog, apologies for being so boring, thank you SR friends