Leslie83

I am going to die an early age. I have quit drinking 3 times now but each time I have gone back. My body can't take it anymore, I am only 25 but I feel 50. Both of my parents were alcoholics and 3 of my grandparents were. I have a lot of mental issues and each time I have gotten in a really bad drinking binge I turn schizophrenic. I don't know if one of these times its going to stay, if I am going to be a schizo and it is starting out because my grandpa was, he was a bad one. He did a pretty good job about taking care of himself, sometimes, unless he didn't take his medicine. I don't want to be like that. I feel my health failing. I can't eat. I try to eat and I can't. I was drinking a 5th of rum every single day but I have stopped drinking that much even though I still drink 6 or 7 days a week, but not a whole 5th. I had a situation with a stalker and he drove me back to drinking. I was completely sober for 6 months until I met him, he was and still is in my home and I had to leave. I had to turn back to drinking for my sanity. I really think I can quit cold turkey, I have each time but I had some help with Xanax, I don't now but I am not somewhere that I can detox peacefully and I am someone that is no fun to be around when I quit drinking, lol who would be.

Like right now I want to drink but I have none and I will go get none, I would probably give in if the liquor store was open. I get ashamed going to the liquor store as much as I do and theres only 1 in town. I have not drank today but i'm very ill and I want to. I just can't see myself quitting if I am not very peaceful for the detox process. I want my home back but that isn't going to happen.

Leslie83

Another thing with me is I don't think I could ever quit for good. I am going to have to deal with alcohol cravings the rest of my life. Not just the cravings but if i'm hanging out with my friends and they are drinking I am going to drink. Everyone knows better than to ask me to be a DD cause if I go out with friends they know I can't handle not drinking. Even if i'm not binge drinking I have cravings like that. Does this kind of addiction really ever go away? Before I turned alcoholic I never drank, it was nothing for me to hang out with friends and not drink, I was always a DD for my friends. I just can't picture myself never drinking again but slowing down doesn't seem *that* hard until the days come I haven't drank and I have to fight hard not to give in.

I'm getting tired of blacking out and doing God knows what when I do black out. I hate the feeling of embarrassment everyday not knowing how dumb I acted. Am I the only one that feels shame as bad as I do. I feel terrible for it all the time and I think thoughts that I don't think I done but it is the induced schizophrenia altering my reality. I have gotten to the point that I don't know things I have done when i'm not drinking. I forget where I am posting, I have to double check to make sure i'm posting in the right place and not sending someone a message on accident. I know I am at home but I start to wonder if I think i'm at home and i'm really not. Its thoughts like that,

Soon I may be addicted to pain pills as well and benzo's. I have built my tolerance so high that sometimes I don't get a buzz or its really high and hard to get a good one. I haven't done this much yet and I want it to stay that way. Last night I got drunk and took, snorted, a pain pill to get my buzz going. It worked and it worked well, too well. That isn't good for me cause now I know how to get a buzz if i'm having a hard time just drinking. I will do it with Xanax's if I can find them and I do them more often.

Wolfchild

Welcome and keep coming back!!

least

I'm an alcoholic too, but I'm in recovery now and my life is so much better. You don't HAVE to drink. Can you talk to your doctor about wanting to quit drinking? Alcohol will ruin everything good you have in your life. You CAN get and stay sober. Have you considered going to AA meetings? They can be very helpful in staying sober.

Welcome to SR!

TigerLili

Sounds like things are really tough for you right now. You've done the right thing by coming here. Stick around and read whatever looks interesting. Keep posting and get it all off your chest. Welcome!

tellus

Hi Leslie, I'm Anna.

That's not necessarily true. I'm a couple of years younger than you, but boy, this is practically verbatim my line of thinking before I quit. Don't think of it as a forever thing, not at first. To borrow an AA slogan, just don't drink for today. Then focus on tomorrow.

You CAN do it, Leslie, and it's so much better on the sober side. Talk to your family, call an AA hotline, walk into the ER, do whatever you need to do to detox safely. We kids are the lucky ones... we have our whole sober lives ahead of us!

Best of luck. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

Charmie

i an alcoholic too.i went back to AA at the begining of the year.im 36 and had finally after 20 odd years of drinking made the descision to throw in the towel.drink had me beat.i suffered all the blackouts,embarrasment,violence,mental hospital,blah blah blah.when i went back to AA i was told that i need never drink again.my craving/compulsion has gone.if you really want to quit then maybe you might give AA a go.its not for everyone but for this recovering alki it has given me a life,,it was just an existence before.you are in my thoughts.

keithj

AA's Big Book says something to the effect that for reasons yet obscure, most alcoholics have lost the power of choice in taking a drink. That describes me very well. I would stop for a while when the circumstances in my life driove me to, and always return to it when the circumstances improved. I couldn't stay stopped. And towards the end of my drinking, I was drunk continually when I didn't want to be.

This is simply not true. If you would be willing to take AA's 12 steps, you would recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. One of the promises made in taking those steps is that the obsession to drink will be removed. That's what happened with me, and I've seen it happen with hundreds of others.

If you want to quit drinking for good, AA is a way that rarely fails. Others can post their experience with other ways.

So, do you want to quit?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

If you believe you have to turn to drinking for your sanity, you will have a really hard time stopping drinking. Many of us drink to self-medicate, but that is not the answer. There are many ways to deal with life and its issues without using drugs or alcohol.

I hope you take a look around and keep reading and posting.

flutter

Well, you CAN quit for good.. a lot of us have. However, if you're not wanting to, then I just hope that you stay safe. This is a killer, tempting a pill addiction on top of alcohol dependencey is incredibly dangerous, but it sounds like this is the path you have chosen. I hope you read some of our stories, and might find some hope and strength in the ways we support each other, and how many of us DO live sober every day.

1_day@_a_time

I drank & used the same drugs, just like you.

I always felt there was NO way I would ever stop........

My last drink was May 4th, 2001. I quit all drugs the 4th of July, 2002.

Today, I never obsess about any of it.

I don't need to.

Today, I have a very good life.

YOU can too.........hope you stick around!!!

shaun00

hi and welcome to sr.........im glad you found us.

i found the solution to my dilema in the twelve steps and AA.

i dont crave a drink nor do i wish to have one.......quiet a change from doing anything to get one.

i too thought id crave booze for the rest of my life....and what life..its going to be boring and glum.

not true for this chronic alcoholic.

i found contentment...at last.......try AA......or there plenty of other recovery programmes that people on here have had success with.

god be with you and keep coming back...............trucker

Leslie83

I don't think i'm ready, but either I stop or I die is how I feel at this point. I just don't feel like I can stop at this point and you have to want to stop to stop.

I know my thinking is as alcoholic as it gets, I admit. I can not picture myself enjoying life and I will never have fun without alcohol. I know that is bad thinking it is just the point I am at and even the times I quit before the cravings were always there. If I went out, there was no stopping me from drinking even when I was "sober". My longest sober point was 6 months and if I wouldn't have gotten myself in my stalker situation I would not have turned into a lush again. My liver had time to heal in those 6 months so I hope it isn't as bad as I think it is. It hasn't been quite 2 months on this binge. I do believe I can stop this binge I am in, it has been 2 days. I am having some strong withdrawals but I am doing great. My point is I just don't think I can ever not drink again, but I feel I can go without and just be a social drinker which is way better than 6-7 days a week and a 5th or a pint.

I have been addicted to Xanax before, I took them for 3 years. I have quit every addiction I have had cold turkey so I know I am very strong to go through all the withdrawals I have gone through completely alone. It can be done, I am shaking cause I really want a drink but i'm not giving in. I will return to social drinker status. That is my goal for now and one day I can possibly quit forever.

flutter

Unfortunately for many, that is very true.

I hope you make a different choice in the future.

1_day@_a_time

does not sound like you're ready.......we must hit bottom first.

Good luck & God bless!

adore79

Hi and welcome! I have schizophrenia too and drinking, any drugs, and stress all aggravate the symptoms. Drinking while on medication is very dangerous too. I hope you can get some help soon and in the meantime, read and learn and post here.

Wolfchild

i hope that one day your desire to get completely sober becomes greater than your compulsion to control your drinking. But in the meantime, why not keep coming here and staying in the middle of things? You may even read someone sharing about something that just sorta 'clicks' for you and helps you to find the willingness to begin living a new way of life. It's alot easier than the disease of addiction is telling you that it isn't!!

Leslie83

Atleast I have a goal, right? Or am I thinking its *ok* to have that goal since I still get to drink and its my alcoholic thoughts controlling it? I believe thats the main thing with that. I still think its better than nothing at this point but for my liver and body to really heal it needs a big break. Sober me and drunk me are fighting and drunk is kicking sober's @ss.

joedris

Dear Leslie, Welcome to SR. You'll find that this is a great place to vent your feelings, find friends who understand you, and get good advice.

So here's some good advice, and it's based on my personal experience. You are killing yourself both physically and mentally. If you don't stop drinking and using you're going to end up in one of three places: jail, a mental institution, or the grave. And at the rate you're going, it won't be long.

You need serious help and it's available if you want it. First, you need to get to a doctor and tell him everything. Even better, go to the nearest ER. From there you need to get into an in-house detox program where there is good medical supervision. From there you need to get into a rehabilitation. After that's finished, start going to AA meetings.

And just a few more points to make. You can quit drinking and drugging, but as you said, you have to want to. Next, the cravings will go away. It takes a while, but they will leave you. We've all been through this. And lastly, you're an alcoholic and addict. You will never be able to drink socially. It isn't possible so don't make it a goal.
Withdrawal from alcohol, unlike that from drugs, can be fatal. Get some medical help and get it now. You mentioned that you can't see yourself without a drink. I, too, felt that way. But now I can't imagine myself with a drink. You said that you you hung with your friends and was DD before you started drinking. Why can't you go back to that was of life? We've done and so can you.

You need to get over this fatalistic thought process you have, What's happening is that the disease of alcoholism is telling you that quitting is hopeless and you'd be very unhappy if you got sober. Horsefeathers! as Col Sherman used to say on M*A*S*H. Remember, we deal with alcohol! Cunning, baffling, and powerful. The disease doesn't want you to stop! And it tells you that you're not really that bad and you can just return to social drinking. Leslie my dear friend, normal people never think that they have to learn how to control their drinking. We alcoholics claim that statement as our property.

Leslie, you can quit. Accept that as you accept your recognition that you're an alcoholic. But you must want to quit more than you want to drink. It's not an easy process, we all admit. But it can be done. I hope and pray that you see this fact and that you learn to accept it. I wish you the best of luck and am rooting for you. Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

keithj

It's a great goal. If you can do it. If I could have controlled my drinking, drink when and how much I wanted, I probably would have done that. The fact that I can't means I'm an alcoholic.

Let's see, 25 but feel 50, body can't take it, turn schizophrenic, have a stalker, tried to quit before and unable to, mixing pills with booze, blacking out, hate the embarrassment, 2 month binge...

Sure. Return to being a social drinker. None of us have been able to do it, but go with that if you think it will work. Happy pursuing.

"Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
AA Big Book, Chapter 3