Leslie83

I will always be an alcoholic. When I quit for those 6 months I can count on my hands how many times I drank. The urge to get alcohol was there everytime I rode by the liquor store or to buy wine or beer in the gas station or grocery store. Most of those times I did drink I gave into the urge but the other times I went out and of course couldn't get a stopping point. If I go out, I am female, I get asked if I want a drink all the time, I can't say no, free liquor, of course how could I say no, I don't realize a normal person can I guess. I had a coach during those 6 months that would not let me drink, he was my ex, not the stalker, I did not want to lose my ex. At this moment I don't have much to lose but I lost him because of drinking. We broke up a few times, all because of my drinking. The first 2 times he left me I was drinking a 5th of rum every single day, he couldn't get me to stop, sometimes I would drink more than that. He believed I chose alcohol over him even though he was a drug addict that got and stayed sober before I met him. I would tell him I was getting my drinking under control and he would believe me and take me back, only to find out I was in denial. Right before the last time he took me back was when the doctors told me 1 more drink could put my liver in failure and I need to stop. Of course I was like nooo, thats not gonna happen and couldn't wait to leave the hospital to go to the bar. The drinking stopped a month after that. I started talking to him again, I still wanted to be with him and I stopped for him cause I didn't want to lose him again and I didn't want to die. The night I did again wasn't because I was an alcoholic but alcohol is still the reason. Now after that night of both of us drinking together we are not allowed to speak.

flutter

You have decided what you're going to do, and that is drink. As adults we all have the right to make our own life choices, good or bad.

Since you have shared so much about you, and the absolutes of the rest of your life, maybe YOU would find it helpful to read about us.. read the stickies.. see how we support each other.. how it CAN be done, if someone wants it. When you do, we'll be here!

Leslie83

I don't want to consume my life away but at this moment and time I really don't feel like I would succeed if I tried. I enjoy reading others stories and how a lot of people have the same problems. I look ahead on this site, I see myself as a veteran poster giving advice to someone like me when I finally do decide to get clean that is. In my state I shouldn't be giving a whole lot of quitting advice but I can and will one day. I am very proud of myself for not giving into my urges the past 2 days. I am getting some mental stability back.

I also see how ya'll are normal now, i'm not. You are trying to convince me and push me to do something i'm not ready to yet and you're giving up because i'm being stubborn and not listening. You can't convince me, only I can. LOL 1 day I will give support to people in my situation that they won't listen to just like me but I will do the same and tell them my story, what I went through and that they can do it. I have quit in the past I can do it again i'm just not at a point I am ready to yet. The only reason I am not quitting at this moment is because i'm going somewhere that I would just start drinking again if I tried and it is so soon that i'm going there it would be worthless to try and quit. I plan on quitting when I return. I'm bad I know and I shouldn't go but it will set me free of a lot of stress that is causing me not to be able to stop.

shaun00

your right i cant convince you......i hope you convince yourself.

all i can do is share my experience..........and in my experience i remember feeling like you.

I felt like i wouldnt manage it.........i felt i was the one that would never do it.

Alcoholism was slowly cornering me into thoughts of suicide....i despised myself.....

i just wanted to be content without being drunk......i wanted my life back.

but yes ultimatly.........i wanted it.

i hope you find sobriety......contented sobriety and it is possible ...totally possible.

trucker

1_day@_a_time

"I can't say no, free liquor, of course how could I say no........"

I have, for 2,931 days. And I was hopeless @ 1 point.......

Might wanna stop believing the lies in your head.

mspamy

it seems to me that you are 'stuck' in the want to /don't want to stop. i think that could be a good place to be, you haven't said 'that's it! i'm never going to be sober ever again, i'm going to continue drinking' You flip, from one to the other, but the seed of sobriety, i think, could be stronger. i think and this is was from i've learned here that 'if' you could just muster the courage to attend AA, you may be surprised, for one thing you wouldn't be alone in your thinking, and you will hear of how many recover, their personal struggles, and relapses for some. But hey, i'm a newbie and only just attended my first meeting today! So i'm no sage, unlike many of the posties here. Their experiences are priceless for us newbies to learn from. i would like to think that i could be a social drinker, i even have my family telling me 'idon't need AA as i'm 'not that bad' but they only see my outershell, that copes in the daytime, doesn't drink in the daytime, blah blah. i consider myself lucky at this moment. but the stories i've read here and heard today tell me 'i could be looking at my future' and i have a personal motto. 'never say never'. That's a loaded statement it means what says. This is only my second night of not drinking, and i am craving. So i'm wishing us both luck, and God's grace. and to all others struggling with Alcohol.

Antone

Don't worry about "quitting for good," just don't drink today.

Leslie83

I just want to make it known that I have not drank since Monday. Great job me.

KBM

Wow was I a mess? This is Leslie, I am back. I just wanna update everyone that no, I didn't quit. I am quitting now though. I am not as bad as I was then but I still drink in excess and pretty much everyday. My drinking then did cause me more problems though. I haven't been here since I posted this and I came back to read it and laugh at myself, it makes it easier on me to look at how ignorant I was. You all tried to help me but I just wasn't ready. I woke up last Sunday after a crazy weekend and the decision just hit me and I knew it was time. I knew so much that that same day I asked my boss for a week off to detox, which I'm starting today. I haven't hit rock bottom but it is very imminent. I have money, a job, a nice place but my life flip flops from good to bad all the time and it all goes back to drinking, so I gotta quit to make sure it stays good. So I will be around the boards a lot more often now. I have been a lot more interested in getting involved now that I actually care to quit.

Dee74

Welcome back Leslie

D

artsoul

After reading all the posts, you sure do sound different (in a very good way!) I'm really glad you're back. A couple months after I first came across this forum, I had one of those "lightbulb" moments, too. I saw that the future wasn't going to change itself and realized I really didn't want to spend day after day in the same hole (or getting worse).

What's so crazy is that I couldn't imagine life without alcohol and now I wouldn't want it any other way. It does take time, but if you just deal with the day in front of you, you'll find that the changes do come. :ghug3

KBM

This is also a good post for new comers here to see how you can change your ways in time. I'm pretty much a new person since then but I'm still an alcoholic. I was just in a very bad situation in my life, I don't have any mental disorders besides anxiety which is still the main reason I drink. I am a functioning alcoholic, unlike I was then. With the drinking and all the bad things that happened to me at that point made me crazy. I have just noticed I have created my life to revolve around drinking and everyone else sees that too I believe. I get invited to go somewhere non alcohol involved and even though it would be fun, it might get in the way of my happy hour plans and theres no booze, I don't wanna go then. I'm finally tired of living that way, luckily I'm still young and have a whole life ahead that I can enjoy without alcohol. And the cost, wow I have added it up and I would be rich if I didn't drink. I make ok money but I spend it all on drinking and thats gotta stop too, I made plans for travel this month, that was 3 months ago but I drank it all away and can't afford to go now, its gotta stop.

KBM

I don't know if its possible to change your reasons for drinking. I know then it was because my life just sucked, I stayed inside with a bottle of rum and never wanted to leave, even people that didn't know me knew I had problems. Now its different, when I meet someone they would never guess because I fake my happiness, I dress nice and I don't act out, I am a very calm drunk even if I am black out drunk people tell me they didn't even know I was drunk. I really don't even drink to get drunk anymore, I just crave alcohol, I wake up with the shakes and feel like a nervous wreck without a drink by me, so I go to the bar everyday to get out for 1 cause I don't like being alone. I think I have faked happiness for so long that I believe it and think the way I live is awesome and its not.

CarolD

To anyone interested in quitting drinking.....and staying stopped....I suggest you check out your local AA meetings....

Please just go to listen...give yourself every chance to find a way out of drinking
Yes you can win over alcohol....

Zencat

Good news Leslie83, drinking and drugging can all together stop..period...when it has been my experience, a deep commitment, full of dedication and willful treatment practice of action is in place of a drugging and drinking lifestyle choice.

I know I had to stop killing myself with dope and liquor because I was fully disappointed and absolutely hating my life as a loader drunk.

It can all turn around, as it did for me, when the quest of sobriety has a full intention of being compleated by my wiliness to change.