Relief

Today is 16 days, and honestly, this drunk is having a terribly hard time staying sober.

These emotional rollercoasters I have been riding for 16 days make me feel as though I am going insane -- this is not a joke, I seriously believe I may be on the verge of losing my mind.

My frustration defies words -- I have no idea how to explain it. All I can think about is going home alone and hiding in a corner.

I attend aa daily. Currently, I am being told to "keep working on it". Well, fine, but what EXACTLY should I work on? Seriously! Give me some advice I can follow . . . turn left . . . turn right . . . I WILL listen, but telling someone to "keep working on it" is like telling a suicidal teen to "cheer-up"! If I knew how, I would "work on it".

I can't concentrate for more than a few moments at a time. Therefore, working has been extraordinarily difficult, and this is a new job. I am terrified my inability to be productive will lead to my being laid-off/fired.

I can't live like this. Although I genuinely want to be in recovery, it's clearly much easier and less emotionally traumatic to be drunk.

flutter

Well first of all I don't think anyone would expect that you do this by yourself or without support. What are you involved in to support your recovery? What work COULD you be doing? Have you talked to your sponsor? Are you "working" the AA steps? I don't use AA.. but if you're attending meetings daily, obviously that is your path. Maybe you need something else? If you're not seeking any outside assistance, you're right, it's white knuckle time with no guidance.. and I dont' see how that could be successful for most people.

keithj

I feel for you Relief. I've been where you are and heard the same things, feeling like I was losing my mind. This is the kind of BS that can easily be found at an AA meeting. Fortunately, the solution offered by AA's 12 steps can also be found.

The best advice I can offer is to find a sponsor today. Find someone who talks of a spiritual solution, not someone who says keep working on it. That person should be willing to meet you right then and there, or at least within a day or so. Then the two of you can start taking the steps together.

This is a process that has worked for many alcoholics that have been exactly where you are. It has worked for me way beyond my expectations.

Although I'm a huge believer in face to face sponsorship, I'd be happy to get you started until you found someone. Just say the word.

Relief

Flutter,

I am by no means attempting to do this on my own . . .

I attend aa daily. I am in the process of obtaining a sponsor. The last two I asked indicated they had too many sponsees to take on another one. I have purchased and read the Big Book as well as Living Sober. I come here.

What COULD I be doing? I don't know, that's why I am asking. I have tried everything I can think of.

Philly

Sorry you are feeling like this Relief but it is very normal. I was so miserable in the beginning and wondered if I would ever even smile again. I do not go to AA for personal reasons but I do think that is the way to go. It actually took about 4 months to feel a little better. You need to get more time to heal. It does seem like you are doing the right things. Do you exercise? That really helped me- I think it is the endorphins that makes us feel good. Have you read Under the Influence- that explains this disease in laymens terms. Keep posting and reading the threads. Continue to ask questions. The poison we were putting into our bodies really screwed everything up not to mention our alcoholic brain (that is the worse). Good luck and you seem to be doing everything right. This is a learning process but we want results immediately. I am at almost 10 months and it is still not easy but it is alot better.

flutter

It might be helpful to talk to a counselor, that's what I do, 2x a week.. and I find it very supportive.

And I do know that there's a big difference between "going to AA" and working the program.. but like I said, I don't work that program and I know there's folks around here that can expand on what I am talking about, that "work" that you do.. or could do.

I hope you find some guidance soon.

adore79

Prayer and meditation has been helping me a lot lately.

Philly

Flutter,

I don't want to hijack the thread but this might help others as well. What type of couselor do you see? Is it paid for by insurance. I live in a big city but never know what to look up. You seem to be doing very well in your recovery.

Relief

I see a psychiatrist once a week . . . she specializes in addiction, among other things. What I find is that talking fails to provide my provide relief. Sometimes, talking makes matters worse because talking about my obsession with drinking or not drinking alcohol leads to further obsession.

Philly - I workout 5-6 times per week and have done that for years. I do find it helps more than anything else.

flutter

I think it's appropriate in this thread, I see an addictions psychologist, he used to run a treatment center until he modified his own 1:1 IOP. I see him 2x a week, and my insurance does pay for it under my basic behavioral health policy.. my insurance automatically pays for 12 sessions, and he fills out pre-auth paperwork to extend it (as I've gone there 2x a week since I quit drinking in December). We review different books, talk about the past, present, future.. you name it. Honestly I found him by googling my city, and 'addictions counselors" and then checking if he was on my insurance, and he was, and he's across the street from my house, it's been a lucky match for me.

I will say however, that no amount of meetings, counseling or anything would have worked for me until I finally came to the decision that I was done.. when I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. The extra support is just that, supplimentary to the committment to my sobriety I made.

Hope that kinda answers what you were wondering, Philly.

Philly

Relief,

I agree about always talking about it can keep it in the forefront of your mind, but it seemed like I was thinking about it anyway. Sometimes I think that coming on this site keeps bringing the topic back but I hear about people relapsing from getting too comfortable in their sobriety. Like I said keep posting and remember that this is a work in progress and feel free to change any part of your recovery at any time. If you feel something is not working add something else or elimate something. We all seem to want the same thing we just go about obtaining it in different ways.

keithj

That's unfortunate. Maybe those folks should read the AA Declaration of Responsibility. There have been times when I was concerned about being able to properly dedicate the time to a new sponsee. Concerned is different from passing the buck. On the rare occassions I didn't feel I could do it justice, I directed them to someone else who would be just as good if not better. But it's really rare. My rule of thumb has been that if someone is willing to make the time, then I'll make the time.

There is little excuse for letting someone who is asking for help leave the room without the help they need.

Mary52

There have been times I felt like I was going to explode. I have 361 days clean today and have done a lot of kicking and screaming and white knuckling to get here. The very good sponsor I had in the beginning was wonderful for me. We got together and worked the steps, read them/talked about them/and I had to integrate their meaning into my own life experiences. Then my sponsor had to let go of all of her sponsees due to some of her family issues. Sponsors have life issues to deal with, too, and I totally understand that. I have a different sponsor now who has years of good sobriety but due to her work, we are unable to get together as often as I would like.

My 1st sponsor always ingrained into my head to "surrender, let go, give it to God, be humble, pray that God's will, not mine be done, and continue to surrender and accept God's will." I struggle with that at times, but I keep trying, keep going over all the steps, go to meetings, and talk to many sober people....not JUST my sponsor.

I still want to scream sometimes but I keep doing what I'm told to do to the best of my ability. Hang in there one day at a time and before you know it, your 16 days will be 361 days, too. I never thought I could get here, but here I am and hopefully passing on my experience strength and hope to you and others.