firestorm090

Tonight was hard, I'll admit it, I wanted to go out and hang with the ole crowd, be part of the happening scene, meet some girl, maybe have a few hours together and talk about our future, if I could remember her name. Then it occurred to me, after sitting here watching TV for hours, that maybe, just maybe, my thinking was all screwed up. It is possible, I've never claimed to have all the answers, just most of them, lol.

Then the thought occurred to me, what if I were scheduled to have heart surgery again tomorrow. I say again because I've already had two of them, triple-bypass, stent, the works. I thought what if my doctor, surgeon was out getting plastered tonight, how would I feel if I knew tomorrow I would be under his/her knife? It may happen more than we think, but if I have a choice, I would not knowingly sign up for the procedure, cause it may cost me the only life that I know the Good Lord gave me to live. So, I gotta ask you, why do we, as drunks, think the world should be different for us? Why should we have an extra spot on our ticket to punch, why should we expect others to be there when we desperately need them, but we ourselves tend to bow out when the going gets rough? This really slapped me between the eyes tonight. I've always, in many ways, been a slacker. I remember the movie, with Micheal J. Fox, "Back to the Future", it's always been one of my favorites, where the guy at school confronts him in the hallway, and says to the effect that his family is full of "slackers". Another movie comes to mind, "The Family Man" with Nicholas Cage, where the life of a man is transformed once he sees the possibilities of how his life could be if he were in tune with the joys of having a family and children. I've never led that kind of life, but I sure would love to. I've led the kind of life that I would be ashamed to describe on this site, a life full of drunken nights much regret, and many one-night-stands with women I struggle to recall their names. Why am I writing all of this? It's because, when we really think about what alcohol does to us, we realize just how much of life we have missed and just how far from our own ideals we have drifted over many years, filled with many drunken nights. We end up alone, watching movies of what we would really like our lives to be, were it not for our compulsion to drown out reality and drift away into the temporary abyss of escape we tend to seek. Another of my favorite movies is "Doc Hollywood", where a physician discovers the joy of small-town living, I'm from Chicago so that's probably why, but I fail to enjoy the daily ins-and-outs of my simple life, I struggle against the desire to really be IMPORTANT. It pains my heart, when I take the time to look inside, that I've allowed this misconception to rule my life for so long. `

So, lets consider the losses of ten members here at SR. Just ten members here, no more. Let's see, how many relationships were destroyed by alcohol? How many dreams were derailed by this insidious drink? How many hopes, loves, families, friends were damaged by our behavior? How many lies have we told, how many employers have looked the other way, how many children have wondered what's wrong with Mom/Dad? The real numbers would bring any person who has a conscience to their knees.

I'm not sure why I'm putting my thoughts out to the world in general, because that's normally not like me. Since I stopped drinking 50 days ago, I've often wondered if I'm just plain crazy. Probably so, but I'm just torn up inside about what life could be, problems and all, if I didn't live the life of a drunk for far too long. Sure, I'm a clown, I love to laugh, but I wonder if my laughter is only to drown out the tears of so many wasted years, so much loss, so many broken hearts? It truly is a sobering experience to think about all the lives I've hurt with my antics.

I just hope I'm done with hurting people for now.

Rusty Zipper

fs i know one on a personal basis fs!

and, i'm with you, we pray all the hurt is done!

xxooxxoo

Fubarcdn

Thanks for sharing Firestorm.

It is good to reflect on these things every so often so as not to get complacent in our journey.

joedris

Storm, I've read your entry about a dozen times and I'm sorry, but I can't figure out what the hell you're talking about. If your point is that you've wasted many years by being a drunk and regret it, that's fine. Time to get over that issue and move on. In AA we say the "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." So learn from your mistakes, make amends to those you have harmed, and get on with your life. Instead of sitting in front of the tube, take in an AA meeting or two. You'll get a lot more answers there than in "Back To The Future."

firestorm090

Hi joe,

Thanks for your reply. I know my ramblings are hard to read at times, but that's what happens when you stay up too late watching tv, lol. I do attend AA now, have for a couple weeks and know it will take time to sort though all these mixed emotions, so you're right, hopefully one day I will not regret my past, but for now I do. I regret so much of what I've done in life, maybe my way of trying to express it is hard to understand, but I'm beginning to see that I may need some counseling in order to get past my current regret. It's hard to talk through a website, so I think I need to get through all of this another way. It's nice to come here and read, but it's difficult to really talk things out here, thus I think I'm trying to express feelings that may best be shared with someone one-on-one.

Thanks for your thoughts and yes, I will continue to attend AA. With 50 days, I still have much to learn about how to live life without a drink.

mle-sober

Firestorm,
I'm sorry for your pain and regret. I can tell you are sincere. Congrats on 50 days. That matters. I wish I could shake you, though. For all your talk about how much regret you have and how drinking ruined things for you, you don't seem to be taking much responsibility. I mean, you say, "oh this is my deep thought and deep regret." And you say, "I wish it weren't so." My dad calls that "navel gazing." Sometimes rather interesting to ourselves but ultimately not capable of making much difference.

You deserve great credit for quitting drinking. It is heroic, in my opinion. But now it's time to brew the coffee and sweep the floors at the AA club. Now it's time to listen to what people who've been sober for 10 years have to offer you. Now it's time to volunteer at a homeless shelter - not watch tv for hours and hours and hours. Sobriety isn't just not drinking. And recovery isn't just thinking about not drinking. True, lasting recovery comes from putting your life in order. Taking action.

I wish you only well. Please forgive me if I hurt or offend.

- mle

sfgirl

With all deference to Mle, I have to say that everyone has their own way through recovery and I don't think that it is necessary for recovery to put yourself in a position of service right away. My early months and even now have included a lot of television . In fact, I think firestorm's post shows just how much progress he has been making. Recovery to me is all about feeling the feelings that we have been avoiding for so long and reevaluating reality now that we have a clearer mindset.

Firestorm, I completely identified with your share. Everything you said I could have written about three months ago. I am the kind of person that always feels my state of mind is permanent (as I type this out it is reminding me how untrue this is). However, how much has changed in those three months. Now I never have those pains to go out and join my friends at night. In fact it sounds pretty unappealing. I used to feel like I was missing out, no longer. And I too am such a slacker. I feel like I started all this so young that I didn't really ruin anything, I just failed to start a lot of things or grow in a lot of ways. But better late than never. I am grateful to have that chance now. Actually I am grateful to be so young and have that chance. So keep going, you seem like you are on a good path, it does keep getting better, the more "epiphanies" you have...

mle-sober

I agree with SFgirl - we all have our own ways.

And brewing coffee is just a tiny way to escort yourself into the world of the living. Not an enormous committment to overwhelm yourself with. I would encourage you, Firestorm, to look for small ways - going to the library to read about alcoholism, talking short walks to help yourself feel and notice the world again, making friends with other recovering people, working the steps with a sponsor, discovering new foods and the joys of going to movies alone or with others.... in other words, I would encourage you to try not to isolate and let yourself implode into your inner world. Keep a journal. Get the thoughts out. Go to therapy. But all the while, listen to good music, enjoy friends, discover a new hobby. And let go of the regret. You deserve to start fresh. Regret does not serve you.

IO Storm

Consider the losses. It is good to consider the losses.

At 50 days..consider.

Do not dwell! Keep moving forward in your recovery, fire.

The "should if's, would if's and could if's" will get you, or any of us.

These things will be dealt with at the proper time. We can only handle so much

at a time. As my sponsor says.."It is okay to step from side to side, pause and

reflect..as long as I am progressing." Just keep moving forward.

michelle01

I understand what you're saying mle-sober, and I know that if I don't want to 'stall' then the best way is to be of service to others in recovery (it sounds like latter step work but there are still many simple ways we can contribute and be thoughtful such as you suggest). But I think that FS has made some great personal progress since he came here and is reflecting on some important things to him.

I enjoy your 'ramblings' FS. You express yourself well and hit a chord with many of us here. (I know that you're in the midst of fourth step work, which isn't an easy process for many of us, and you are trying to tackle it honestly.) I do think that you deserve all the best in your future and that is what mle-sober is in fact trying to say. We all have our regrets from our addiction but the twelve steps are an opportunity for personal renewal.

As you know by now, it involves more than just being abstinent from alcohol. We are in the process of learning to manage our lives and relationship again. I know you have your struggles but you are really doing well to date. Keep it going.

michelle01

It isn't so easy either when you are on your own, left inevitably with a lot of your own thoughts at times. It takes awhile for everything to come together... (Okay I'll stop there. Good to see you here mle.)

Tazman53

FS if what has this going on is 4th step work then I would suggest 2 things, first is to talk to your sponsor about what you are feeling & thinking which sounds pretty darn normal when going through the 4th, the other thing is to read the promises that follow the 5th step. For me it was tough doing the 5th, but when I did struggle I read those promises after the 5th step and I wanted them.

I can tell you that as I went through the 4th step I learned a great deal about myself, I learned what I needed to change to become a better person, a person that was far less likely to hurt others and when I did how to immediately change what I was doing and to make amends to them.

My past today is something I share with others to show them that one can recover from the guilt & the shame and stay sober doing it. My past is something I learn from and it can be a learning tool for others as well.

50 days sober is awesome, you are learning about your self at this stage, one thing I suggest you try to see is there was/is good in you, there was good in my past that until I started to sit down and take an honest inventory of myself I was unable to see because of the guilt, shame, & self hatred I had for myself. When one is doing an inventory it is crucial to find the good, because it is there in all of us.

You say to look at the loses of 10 members, I would suggest we also look at the gains of members due to sobriety, yours included!

Are you hurting yourself or others today like you used to? Do you wake up today fearing to find out who you hurt or what you did last night? Compare how you felt waking up 50 days ago versus waking up this morning, a world of difference!!!!

I wake up today and I do not worry about what I did yesterday or a week ago, instead I wake up thankful to be sober and able to help others by simply being the best me I can be today.

I am still working on cleaning up all the wreckage of my past, but I have no fear in doing that due to how much wreckage I have already cleared up and the simple fact that I am building a new life one day at a time instead of tearing apart lifes one drink at a time.

FS I encourage you to look for the posotive, it is there and far easier to find then when seeking out the negative.

Think about it, if you seek bad what will you find and what will that lead to? Seek the posotive and you will find the posotive even in the bad stuff.

jamdls

Fire, I'm sitting here at work reading your post and trying not to cry because you basically wrote of my life during 25 yrs of drinking. When I stopped drinking almost 2 yrs ago I went through all the emotions you're going through when I started to come to terms with all the wasted years, the shameful things I done, and the damage I had caused. I didn't feel sorry for myself, nor do I think you do, I mustly just felt shame and regret. It takes time to move forward, took me well over a year and then only in baby steps. Congratulations on 50 days.
Hugs

Judy

joedris

Firestorm my friend, I apologize for being so flippant in my reply yesterday. It's one of my many defects which I continue to work on. Let me explain a little about our dealing with the past. We all have nightmares about some of the stuff we've done as a result of drinking. Shame and embarassment are common, and dealing with those emotions is really tough. But deal with them we must. In dealing with them we learn, and in learning we gain strength. We cannot change the past. We must learn to accept it. We can learn to change our attitudes and behavior. We can make amends when appropriate, and learn how to deal with harm to others when unable to make amends. We will learn to value the past as it has taught us to become better human beings. Hence we shall never forget the past.

And in remembering those things we have done and in having learned from them, we will always want to be aware of what harm we caused and what steps we took to atone for that harm. Thus we do not wish to shut the door on the past.

I hope this clariifies my previous post. I'm glad you're in AA and should have asked before I decided to jump all over you. My friend Taz had some really good comments - he always does. Listen to what he says. Work closely with your sponsor. AA is a very simple program but also a very difficult one. I wish you the best of luck in your sobriety and would be interested in an occasional update as to how you're doing.

joedris

Dear OzSandy, I tried to send a pm but your box is full.