God help me get through today, because I feel like I am ready to cave...
 

I don't know where else to turn right now...For those of you who have been supporting me since I joined up last week...you might have read one post I made about my living situation...I don't want to go into too many details about it...But I have no where else to live right now, and I am not financially stable, so I am living with a roommate...I just got home from getting flowers and a gift for my Mother for Mother's Day...I was feeling pretty good this morning, but that ended quickly...We have had many fights and disagreements for a long time, but today pardon my expression, the sh*t hit the fan...This person just likes to push my buttons so bad, even knowing I am starting therapy and will not be living here as soon as I get stronger.....it's getting crazy...I'm being talked down too, yelled at...you can't even argue with this person because it gets nowhere...I can't even geta word in edgwise, and there is SO much negative energy...I start screaming back, all this while trying to not pick up a drink...Today is 2 weeks sober, and today I feel like I am really going to lose it...I start therapy Monday, but in the meanwhile I am trying to figure out what to do with my living situation...My father is an alcoholic so I can't move back home until I get on my feet..and I just asked my only close friend if I could stay with her for awhile, because she is moving into a new place soon with 2 bedrooms, and she told me no...which shocked me...I can't believe this...My mom is asking her friend if I can stay with her for a few days, but her husband is bi-polar and he drinks too!!! I don't know if that would even be a healthy place for me to stay....I swear to God, I feel like I am losing my mind, and if there was ever a time I needed to pick up a drink it would be now...I am not saying this for pity or attention, you all know my posts aren't like that...I am just truly at my witts end, and just been sober 2 weeks...This is so early on to be taking on all this stress...and this is just part of what's going on...There's also other personal issues that have been stressing me out, but this is topping everything else because it effects my living, my state of mind...which will effect my therapy and me staying sober...Some days are bearable, and I told myself if I get upset just go in the bedroom, but I can't stay in there all day and it's just not feasable anymore....it's gotten to the point I don't know where to put myself...It's a small one bedroom apt...even if I go to a friends house or whatever, take a walk etc...I am coming back to this mess...How the hell am I gonna be able to live in this mess and concentrate on staying sober...Therapy is the only thing I am looking forward too....I know I can't move right now, but I don't know how I am going to get through living here until I am stronger in my sobriety...Thank you for listening.

If you have your own room I would stay in there and do your own thing. If this person keeps harassing you, I believe you can call the police??? Have you called their non-emergency phone number? Tell them the situation, get their feedback, couldn't hurt, ya know?

Just want to throw out there that while you asked your friend if you could stay with her and she said no, remember that she has that option.

Can you go some where for a while, grab a cup of coffee, water, the news paper and just chill? Yes, you'd have to go back eventually but I'm sure you are absolutely going nuts for some peace of mind right now. I am totally feeling your pain.

I was married to a horrible roommate, lol!!! We're now divorced, I do not live under the same roof as him and it's the best thing I've got going for myself, my sanity and absolutely my sobriety. My heart goes out to you.

My best to you. :ghug

Thank you for that...I know drinking won't solve this, but it's what I would usually do right now, because I feel like I'm going nuts...I don't even have any weeks of therapy/ AA in yet, I start Monday...I'm just starting, so it's such a delicate time to deal with all this...Normally, I would have already been to the liquor store and back by now, throwing shots back.

I'm not even supposed to be here this weekend, I had a mini vacation planned, and someone screwed me over with that...not saying that would solve the problem of my living situation, but I could have had some peace of mind even for the weekend before starting therapy...Sometimes I swear, I just can't get any peace.

Hi sweets,

Rough day huh?

I would think if there's ever a time you shouldn't pick up a drink, it's now.

Early sobriety is tough stuff, but dinking puts us back in the sh*t again, so we have to tough it out. it's not easy, but we'll support you every day, in every way we can. i say that becuase that's what's been my experience here.

Maybe a long walk would help, and while you're out, find a second hand store, buy a stuffed bear, name it the same as your roommate, then punch the lights out of it. Vent your anger, don't let it stew.

You know a drink is not the answer, it never is. hang tough with us, we are here and I'm right there with you. I have 50 days today, so I know you can do this.

Hi sweets! Early recovery for me was insane! My emotions could on a dime- I was raw and sensitive, out of control often and the thought of using was right there.

The mantra "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." was one that I repeated over and over again as I went about my day.

There is a reading in the Big Book in the first 168 pages that you can read each morning upon waking- and one you can read each evening. My suggestion is to find that and read it, start your day over and see what happens.

If you are still triggered emotionally, you can email me, and I would be happy to talk you through some de-escalation!
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl

Sweet...think about your statement...Normally, I would have already been to the liquor store and back by now, throwing shots back.

Is that who you want to be? Remember why you quit to begin with.

It's hard but necessary to do anything but drink...it's not an option.

Life comes at us when we are fragile...getting thru it makes us strong.

Sweets please don't give in to the temptation. I promise you, it won't make anything any better. The relief you're seeking won't be there. You'd have a little numbness for awhile, but all the problems will still be there when you sober up. Then you'd have remorse, a hangover, possibly even have trouble getting off it again. Know that this will all get better, nothing lasts forever - it just seems like it at the time. I'm glad you came here to share this - please keep posting if it'll help. Love, Joanie

That means so much to me Fire, thank you...I can't even express how much it means to me...That's a funny suggestion though lol...Glad to know I have all this support...I know if I didn't have SR to vent and get support I would have definitely stopped at the liquor store already...Instead of doing that, I came back home after trying to stay out for a little while...I went to get my mom a gift, I visited my friend...I took a walk..., the weather hasn't been good either, rainy and gloomy...so being outsid isn't so great...but I tried to pass some time and get out of here for awhile.. Eventually I will have a sponsor and an assigned therapist and psychiatrist...Like I said I start next week...this is all happening now, and SR is the only outlet I have to vent and get support, since I didn't start meetings/therapy yet...Even while I'm doing that I will keep posting, but like I said this is my main support system.

Thank you for that offer Cheryl...when I calm down in a little and start to think a little clearer, I would like to know more about that...I am just so wound up right now.

Glad you posted Sweets... Don't drink, just for today...

You need some sunlight in your day. "Sunlight of the Spirit" - yes, it's Big Book language... you know what I'm gonna say... don't be pissed...

Please, please, please, go to a AA meeting today, please... If it doesn't cheer you up, give you some hope and fellowship... I'll give you your dollar back.... You are not alone... get around some people who share a common problem and solution! Weekends have a lot of scheduled meetings... I bet there is one this very afternoon you could go to. Hey, it's better than staying at home in that pressure cooker and certainly better than going to the liquor store!

Hang in there... you can do this!

Mark

God will restore me to sanity....oh yeah, I am the one who is insane!
:c029::lightbulb::ghug3

Hang in there Sweets! It will get better, give yourself time and be good to yourself. Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. You'll get thru this and come out better on the other side.

Sweets. You didn't get yourself into this predicament overnight (including the Alcoholism) and you are not going to get yourself out overnight. Unfortunately (as with most addicted people including myself) we wait until things are in catastrophic meltdown phase and we have no other options before we take steps to turn things around.
The good new is that if you choose to stay sober and active in your own recovery, you will see things begin to improve. Your living situation, finances, mental/emotional state, confidence/self esteem, ect. will all start to improve. However it will not happen nearly as fast as you want it to and there is much difficult work ahead for you. The "carrot" is you have to believe it will get better. Don't give up. Do the work.
Then there's the "stick". I don't care how bad of a situation you currently find yourself in...if you begin drinking again to help relieve the pain, your situation will become exponentially worse. That is a 100% guarantee. You have two weeks invested in your sobriety and started working with a thearapist. Don't squander them. That is a very hard fought victory just to get to where you are now. Nobody in the History of Alcohol ever relapsed and then said later "That worked out well" or "I don't regret drinking again". Nobody.
Alcoholism always gets worse. Never gets better. Those nagging voices and thoughts in your head that are pushing their way to the front all the time, they do not have your best interests in mind. They are bald faced liars. That doesn't change the angst of having to listen to them all the time but you need to fear the consequences if you succumb to their suggestions to pick up a drink. It will not have a happy ending.
Keep looking for a stable and safe place to land (it can be very tough in NYC). You will find something.

Hi sweets, just remember your roommate isnt worth drinking over. Its like they say, sometimes we alcoholics will drink just to spite someone but its like taking poison and hoping the other person will get sick. Hang in there, and I hope you can find a better living situation soon. You have been making a lot of progress in a short time, Im so proud of you!

I have been there. I'm sorry your plans got thwarted as well. Keep hanging in there. As you can see, you've got tons of support here. :)

What you said is very true...It's just so hard when you feel like you don't know what to do, like you're just going to flip out...Posting is helping me, talking to my friend is helping...knowing I did 2 weeks without a drink is helping me...For me it is very hard to calm down when my buttons are being pushed so hard, and if that person is in the same living quarters with you , it's even worse...Than you for taking the time to give me some great advice :)

Yes, I was looking forward to this for awhile...oh and to top it off, cop pulled me over and I got a ticket yesterday! This weekend just keeps getting better.

Hey Sweets,

I was in a similar situation years ago where I was STUCK where I was living for a time and yes, it can be hell.

My suggestions are the same as the other here. While it's not the way you might choose to live daily you will need to change that for your sanity and sobriety. I spent most of the day out. I was working part time, but not everyday so on the days I wasn't I would walk for a couple of hours, read the paper in a coffee place, go to a library, volunteer a couple hours of the week at the food bank. I would plan outings for myself like go to 'Little Italy" in my city and check it out, walk from one end to another. Another day, i would go to a museum because I hadn't been in forever. Anything and everything that didn't cost much or nothing.

I know it's not how you might want to live right now, but I enjoyed it and still do some of that still from time to time. It's not perfect, but it will work for now. It won't always be like this. Don't drink Sweets, or things will never change.

Good luck and hang in.

Everything you're saying is true Joanie...It's just so hard to see this person and that tension is awful, drives me nuts...I need to move soon, and I know it won't be that soon, because I need to get myself recovered before even going back to school, which is what I wanna do...One step at a time...I am just trying to figure out a way to not let this person get so under my skin where it drives me to the point of rage...and ofcourse the only way I used to deal with uncomfortable/unbearable emotions was drinking...Can't do that anymore, so I feel like a fish out of water, confused on how to calm down and not let this get the best of me.