Not sure what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 8
Not sure what to do
:sorry I'm not sober yet, but I need to be. I've sat in bars for 19 years and I don't know anything else. I turn 40 in three weeks (divorced at 30 from an alcoholic) and I want to change my life. I've been (only) emotionally abused by guys I've dated - only two in the last ten years. My relationships with men have been awful because I tend to drink a lot - more than they do in many occasions, (have blacked out and texted/called occasionally) I finally decided that I need to make a change, but am so afraid to leave the bar because I have no other friends and at almost 40 years old I never learned how to make friends. I've tried to ask people and have not found anyone with my problem. I've always had people (friends from elementary school, brothers) who have made the initial steps and then I become friend by association. At the bar I can talk to anyone and have made a few "bar" friends, but never see them outside of that... I would really like to stop drinking, but am too afraid of being lonely. I had a friend (former boyfriend) suggest this site, but I don't know if I'm ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 8
my biggest thing is trying to figure out where a middle aged single woman finds friends when she doesn't have anyone to help her find them. Where do I go alone where I can talk to people????
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I did not have a lot of true real friendships until I got sober. I did not know how to be a friend and that is why I did not have friends.
I joined AA and for the last year I have SOOOO many real, true friends that would do anything for me. I have fun with them, I cry with them, I get so much support from them!
Get to a womans meetings and share what you shared here. You will be amazed before you are halfway through.
I joined AA and for the last year I have SOOOO many real, true friends that would do anything for me. I have fun with them, I cry with them, I get so much support from them!
Get to a womans meetings and share what you shared here. You will be amazed before you are halfway through.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I think you're going to find quite a few people on here who understand exactly how you feel. . . starting with me. When I quit using/drinking, I had really not one friend who didn't hang out in the bar or didn't get high. I was 43 when I got Sober and thought I would end up being a sober but lonley, lonley old woman.
It's quite the opposite in Recovery! The first month I was Sober, I made more friends, true friends, in AA than I ever made at the bar. Bar friends are just that, bar "friends" They aren't the people you can call when you just want to talk, need someone to help you with something or just there when you need someone. The people I met in AA were/are there for me no matter what! And it's not because I buy them drinks all the time. These people have nothing but my best interest at heart. They want nothing from me but my happiness and to help me in any way they can in my Journey in Recovery.
I hope you'll keep posting, read different threads and maybe you'll find that you're ready to take that step towards a nice life, happy, joyous and free.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 8
maybe a strange question, but where do you hang out if not at the bar? I'm a smoker and can still smoke in my bar... I don't really understand coffee shops (don't like fancy Starbucks stuff...just plain black coffee at room temp) and not sure where else there is to hang out to sit and talk.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Really....once you stop drinking, it does fall into place, it really does.
Do you work...or volunteer? I'm pretty much a loner, so I can't really help in that area. I just know that I'm a heck of a lot better off sober, than drunk. I"m glad you're here.
Do you work...or volunteer? I'm pretty much a loner, so I can't really help in that area. I just know that I'm a heck of a lot better off sober, than drunk. I"m glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 8
I live alone with my two (rescued) cats. My parents, brothers (and wives and kids) live within 5 miles, but when I hang with my brothers et al we drink...Daddy doesn't drink anymore since he was diagnosed with diabetes, but he was never more than two or three beers while bbqing anyway...Mom is done after one glass of wine - but my bros and all can put them away like mad! So they are not a help. We all maintain great jobs - drinking has never interfered with that - thank God! but I'm ready for a change in my life for the better. I never go somewhere (initially) alone so I'm scared to death to try going to a meeting alone. I'm extremely shy until I know who I'm with - part of the reason why I don't have any friends....
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Maybe it is a sign 
By the way, I got sober right before my 40th bday and I was scared too.
So I first tried womens meetings and I was welcomed with open arms from Day 1.
Oh and once you get sober, you can do anything you want!
I do a lot of service work, I go to the gym, I go to meetings, etc.
I am finding out who I am and what I really like to do. What a freedom.
All you have to do is make the decision and be willing to do whatever it takes to just not drink.
By the way, I got sober right before my 40th bday and I was scared too.
So I first tried womens meetings and I was welcomed with open arms from Day 1.
Oh and once you get sober, you can do anything you want!
I do a lot of service work, I go to the gym, I go to meetings, etc.
I am finding out who I am and what I really like to do. What a freedom.
All you have to do is make the decision and be willing to do whatever it takes to just not drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 602
I agree with Coffeenut...you gotta be ready.
Even if you had a lot of friends, it's only up to you to change.
With me, I made the decision to drink and I'm "trying" to make the change that I need and not drink (only day 2 for me)...no one else can do it for me.
Personally, I really don't have any friends...I'm more to myself.
My hubby is my best friend and I have a close relationship with my Mom and Sister's.
Ever since I started to coming to this site, I feel that I have gained a couple of friends.
It's like people on here understand and can relate with certain things that other's are going through. You are in the right place and among friends, we are here for you and can relate to what you are going through.
Please keep coming back, talk to us...there is a lot of help here.
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs to you my friend,
:ghug3
XOXO
Even if you had a lot of friends, it's only up to you to change.
With me, I made the decision to drink and I'm "trying" to make the change that I need and not drink (only day 2 for me)...no one else can do it for me.
Personally, I really don't have any friends...I'm more to myself.
My hubby is my best friend and I have a close relationship with my Mom and Sister's.
Ever since I started to coming to this site, I feel that I have gained a couple of friends.
It's like people on here understand and can relate with certain things that other's are going through. You are in the right place and among friends, we are here for you and can relate to what you are going through.
Please keep coming back, talk to us...there is a lot of help here.
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs to you my friend,
:ghug3
XOXO
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi gl,
I just started to go to AA meetings a couple weeks ago, and it's helping me a lot now. Try different meetings and if necessary, call someone from AA locally so they can take you or meet you at a meeting. I went to a meeting last night and we went for coffee afterwards, (with a big, fat slice of apple pie, gosh, that was good) and we laughed our butts off telling a couple stories from our past. It was good fun. It was well worth overcoming the fear of walking in the door and no one tried to bite me at all, at least that I know of, lol. But now that I think about it, I wonder............., lol.
I just started to go to AA meetings a couple weeks ago, and it's helping me a lot now. Try different meetings and if necessary, call someone from AA locally so they can take you or meet you at a meeting. I went to a meeting last night and we went for coffee afterwards, (with a big, fat slice of apple pie, gosh, that was good) and we laughed our butts off telling a couple stories from our past. It was good fun. It was well worth overcoming the fear of walking in the door and no one tried to bite me at all, at least that I know of, lol. But now that I think about it, I wonder............., lol.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When I decided to leave the bar scene ...get sober....
and went to AA
I was 47...working...my own aparment ...divorced
My cats were Sam & Sidney...I too lived in a city.
I met so many other singles....we shared the same goals
Our new lifestyles allowed us to do many things
outside of meetings.....we had a blast!
We also stayed sober....
If you have a desire to quit drinking...go to AA.
Ask your Mom to go with you
Best advice I can give......Welcome.....
and went to AA
I was 47...working...my own aparment ...divorced
My cats were Sam & Sidney...I too lived in a city.
I met so many other singles....we shared the same goals
Our new lifestyles allowed us to do many things
outside of meetings.....we had a blast!
We also stayed sober....
If you have a desire to quit drinking...go to AA.
Ask your Mom to go with you
Best advice I can give......Welcome.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 99
I have that same problem. My problem is that I have a boyfriend who still drinks. When he is drinking, I have noone since he becomes so annoying. I have trouble making friends because I am too shy when I'm sober, I just feel too akward. So I understand what you are going thru. I had no trouble making friends when I was young but I am 49 now and it is really hard. I think I will try the female AA groups which sounds like a good idea and they are definitely people you can relate to. Give it a try....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Hi Golightly,
I was also very afraid of loneliness when I stopped drinking.
What I found kind of surprised me. Once I began to like myself a bit, I enjoyed spending some time alone. And, in fact, I need a certain amount of solitude to keep my life in balance.
Have you considered doing volunteer work in your community? That was what I turned to when I began recovery and it really, really helped to save me?
I was also very afraid of loneliness when I stopped drinking.
What I found kind of surprised me. Once I began to like myself a bit, I enjoyed spending some time alone. And, in fact, I need a certain amount of solitude to keep my life in balance.
Have you considered doing volunteer work in your community? That was what I turned to when I began recovery and it really, really helped to save me?
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Where do I go alone where I can talk to people????
As others have already said, if you want to get and stay sober and have REAL friends not drinking buddies AA is the way to go. Socially there is far more to AA then meetings and going out for coffee, we have dances, parties, canoe trips, camping trips & conventions, all with sober people have an absolute blast without a single drop of alcohol consumed.
I have gone from being a miserable lonesome SOB to a person with real friends and a real life.
If you do not want to go to a meeting alone give your local AA hotline a call, ask to speak to a lady if one does not answer, there is an awful lot of good AA in San Antonio and I can assure you that they can arrange for you to meet a lady to accompany you to a meeting.
Once you have been sober for a while you are going to surprised at how much MORE you can do sober!
There are way more things to do socially that can be done NOT drinking then there is drinking. You will meet people you would never have met while drinking.
Today thanks to sobriety I live life instead of exist.
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