cant handle being me today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
cant handle being me today
I am really low today.... actually its 2am so the day has only just begun.
I know i wont drink just now but i am so scared i will.... i dont want to be me... not to think the things i think.... not to feel what i feel... not see what i see in my head...
I'm starting CBT on wednesday... i know it will be good but the therapist spoke about taking away all of my "escapisms" so i have to face my past... and if i use them they will remind me how i am slowing my progress..
Failure before i even start....
I used one of my escapisms tonight... and it didn't work... everythings still there... except i feel 1000 times worse than before...
I hurt so much tonight... i dont know what to do... i am just so scared to be me.
I know i wont drink just now but i am so scared i will.... i dont want to be me... not to think the things i think.... not to feel what i feel... not see what i see in my head...
I'm starting CBT on wednesday... i know it will be good but the therapist spoke about taking away all of my "escapisms" so i have to face my past... and if i use them they will remind me how i am slowing my progress..
Failure before i even start....
I used one of my escapisms tonight... and it didn't work... everythings still there... except i feel 1000 times worse than before...
I hurt so much tonight... i dont know what to do... i am just so scared to be me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Facing your past will set you free, louis... free of the bondage of self... do not fear it, it only does you harm when you put it in dark, crowded corners of your soul. Free your soul...
CBT is fine... but... have you thought of something more... spiritual. Not religious, not something somebody else said you should believe, but what is there beyond you, expansive, illuminating... gives you purpose and your life meaning?
I won't tell you what to believe... but believe in something. Your life is precious. Don't be scared to be you, celebrate that you are alive and making positive changes...
Keep posting
Mark
CBT is fine... but... have you thought of something more... spiritual. Not religious, not something somebody else said you should believe, but what is there beyond you, expansive, illuminating... gives you purpose and your life meaning?
I won't tell you what to believe... but believe in something. Your life is precious. Don't be scared to be you, celebrate that you are alive and making positive changes...
Keep posting
Mark
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Louis,
Of course, it's scary.
But, it's great that you are seeing a therapist. And, truly, dealing with life as it is, and seeing ourselves as we really are, is so liberating.
Have faith that you will get through this.
Of course, it's scary.
But, it's great that you are seeing a therapist. And, truly, dealing with life as it is, and seeing ourselves as we really are, is so liberating.
Have faith that you will get through this.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
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Thankyou....
I dont know if i can get beyond this.... i really dont feel strong enough.... i feel such an idiot... i cant stop crying.... i hate me crying... it doesn't help
It's like a vicious circle... I cry alittle... i get angry alittle... i use escapisms... i get sad alot... i cry alittle... i get angry alot with me for crying..
I dont want to be like this... i dont know if i can face my past or face me...i hate me..
I know that sounds self pitying... but its one of the only emotions i've let myself feel for so long...
I dont know if i can get beyond this.... i really dont feel strong enough.... i feel such an idiot... i cant stop crying.... i hate me crying... it doesn't help
It's like a vicious circle... I cry alittle... i get angry alittle... i use escapisms... i get sad alot... i cry alittle... i get angry alot with me for crying..
I dont want to be like this... i dont know if i can face my past or face me...i hate me..
I know that sounds self pitying... but its one of the only emotions i've let myself feel for so long...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Louis, that was one of my initial concerns about CBT, but I ultimately found it a positive and groundbreaking experience. Really, though it is about examining how your thoughts and feelings influence your current behaviour, and vice versa - finding out what is keeping you in the loop, and how past events and influences may have 'conditioned' you to be that way.
The first appointment is always difficult. If you're feeling a bit nervous, say so, the counsellor won't be upset with you. Over time, I became much more comfortable with the sessions and was able to open up more. Now I look forward to seeing my counsellor. I miss her right now because she's taking a break.
What they will probably focus on to begin with is what do you want help with and what do you want to achieve ultimately for yourself from the sessions? Then the practical work starts.
The first appointment is always difficult. If you're feeling a bit nervous, say so, the counsellor won't be upset with you. Over time, I became much more comfortable with the sessions and was able to open up more. Now I look forward to seeing my counsellor. I miss her right now because she's taking a break.
What they will probably focus on to begin with is what do you want help with and what do you want to achieve ultimately for yourself from the sessions? Then the practical work starts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Louis, are going to be alright tonight? OK, if you are into some self pity... but if you really can't handle it, or you are afraid of what you might do, get some face to face help now...
Your CBT doesn't start right now... right now you should get a hold of yourself, forgive yourself. Do you have some soothing music? A warm shower? Some calming tea? Is it safe for you to talk a walk? Change your surroundings, change what you are doing physically....
Mark
Your CBT doesn't start right now... right now you should get a hold of yourself, forgive yourself. Do you have some soothing music? A warm shower? Some calming tea? Is it safe for you to talk a walk? Change your surroundings, change what you are doing physically....
Mark
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
It is a hard thing to do when you have to dig up old bones. But it is the only way to move forward.
And its goin to hurt. But it will only hurt for a short while. You will learn to work it out and deal with it and let it go. Thats just how it is.
It wont be like that forever.
It is part of the healing you need.
Hang in there.
And its goin to hurt. But it will only hurt for a short while. You will learn to work it out and deal with it and let it go. Thats just how it is.
It wont be like that forever.
It is part of the healing you need.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
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Hi...
Boy do i feel stupid this morning.... thankyou guys for what you said last night.
I dont feel a hundred percent but got work today through til my appointment on wednesday so wont have too much time to think about it.
I really appreciate your concern and am sorry i didn't come back last night to post... I took your advice and listened to some music... finally fell asleep at 5.30am... didn't sleep vry well but enough to get me through tthe day.
I actually laughed alittle when i re-read what i wrote... self pity is not the feeling i allow myself to have... hate is... guess thats what you get for trying to type through blurry eyes.
Anyway... thanks again... and appologies again.
Be well
louis
Boy do i feel stupid this morning.... thankyou guys for what you said last night.
I dont feel a hundred percent but got work today through til my appointment on wednesday so wont have too much time to think about it.
I really appreciate your concern and am sorry i didn't come back last night to post... I took your advice and listened to some music... finally fell asleep at 5.30am... didn't sleep vry well but enough to get me through tthe day.
I actually laughed alittle when i re-read what i wrote... self pity is not the feeling i allow myself to have... hate is... guess thats what you get for trying to type through blurry eyes.
Anyway... thanks again... and appologies again.
Be well
louis
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Nothing to be sorry for.
I dont see how being nervous about facing our past is feeling sorry for yourself. That can be a real scary tough thing to do.
You are doin a brave thing IMO.
And its natural to be nervous about it.
(((HUGS)))
I dont see how being nervous about facing our past is feeling sorry for yourself. That can be a real scary tough thing to do.
You are doin a brave thing IMO.
And its natural to be nervous about it.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
glad you woke up feeling better. even if only a half hour of sleep (if i understood correct), sleep can be such a help
you can do this., and it will be painful and uncomfortable at times. maybe this will work: consider if you were a long distance marathon runner...you got a lot of running ahead of you, and sometimes the more those maarathon runners go...the more energy they get to keep on keeping on.
and as you continue in therapy/recovery you can keep taking the next step, and like when you were learining to walk when you were 1 year old...when you fall down today, you just simply get back up...sometimes with the help of others, and somedlay you will be walking a new walk....
to the light
keep up the good work
you can do this., and it will be painful and uncomfortable at times. maybe this will work: consider if you were a long distance marathon runner...you got a lot of running ahead of you, and sometimes the more those maarathon runners go...the more energy they get to keep on keeping on.
and as you continue in therapy/recovery you can keep taking the next step, and like when you were learining to walk when you were 1 year old...when you fall down today, you just simply get back up...sometimes with the help of others, and somedlay you will be walking a new walk....
to the light
keep up the good work
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi Loius, glad you feeling a bit better! This might make you laugh, i read your post and immediately thought of the CBT in the UK which is 'Compulsory Basic Training' for motorbikes and then skimmed over a couple of posts and was about to start posting about how you should maybe put off getting your motorcycle licence for a bit if it is bothering you that much.
Then realised cognitive behaviour therapy...got it now;-)
Best wishes!
Then realised cognitive behaviour therapy...got it now;-)
Best wishes!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Sometimes it IS scary 'being me', but not drinking is making it easier to be me again. I didn't like the 'me' I was becoming but staying sober, and seeing my counselor once a week really helps.
Use your sessions with your therapist to make yourself a better 'me' and work on the issues that made you use before. You CAN get thru this and come out better on the other side. :ghug3
Use your sessions with your therapist to make yourself a better 'me' and work on the issues that made you use before. You CAN get thru this and come out better on the other side. :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
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Thanks again....
Just heading off to work...
yeahgr8: Your right... you did have me laughing... thanks
And thanks to everyone else for you kind words and thoughts... it is VERY much appreciated...
Be well
louis
Just heading off to work...
yeahgr8: Your right... you did have me laughing... thanks
And thanks to everyone else for you kind words and thoughts... it is VERY much appreciated...
Be well
louis
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
louis glad you got through the night, I found that taking things one step at a time, being prepared for that next step, not taking that next step alone to be key to learning who I was, facing my past, learning my part in my past, making amends where needed, changing what needed to be changed. I also found it awesome to have so many people who had been through this same process sharing with me how they had done it to be very helpful.
For many years I faced the world alone with my bottle as the only company I had as I faced it all. Today I never stand alone against anything unless I choose to try it alone and I quickly have learned that to face the world alone for me is a losing and very scary proposition.
Today I have a Higher Power that is with me always, a Higher Power of my choosing that I understand to lean on, I also have friends, sober friends that are but a simple phone call away at any hour of the day or night to lean on and learn from, they have walked the same path I have walked, they understand because they have walked in my shoes before.
I also meet these freinds in meetings and make new friends as well, we stay sober together, we do not fight the beast alone because we are not alone. We help each other to clean up the wreckage of our past, we make amends where we can and change who we are as needed. We help each other to learn how to live life on lifes terms.
Just stay in the day, listen to your doctors and counselors.
For many years I faced the world alone with my bottle as the only company I had as I faced it all. Today I never stand alone against anything unless I choose to try it alone and I quickly have learned that to face the world alone for me is a losing and very scary proposition.
Today I have a Higher Power that is with me always, a Higher Power of my choosing that I understand to lean on, I also have friends, sober friends that are but a simple phone call away at any hour of the day or night to lean on and learn from, they have walked the same path I have walked, they understand because they have walked in my shoes before.
I also meet these freinds in meetings and make new friends as well, we stay sober together, we do not fight the beast alone because we are not alone. We help each other to clean up the wreckage of our past, we make amends where we can and change who we are as needed. We help each other to learn how to live life on lifes terms.
Just stay in the day, listen to your doctors and counselors.
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