yeahgr8

Wel i'm not gay and i'm not having any kids so my family can go and take a hike;-)

Sorry for your hassle at home, be strong mi amigo!

Mattcake

Ugh, what a mess! I can't believe I let them get to me like this I should know better by now - they meant no real harm. I reacted childishly and harmed myself in the process. Yeah, that'll show them.

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words Your encouragement keeps me going. Love to you all

Matt ~ sober, child-free and grateful

stone

LOL, that is my position too.

kj3880

Alright, Matty, calm down, I have the solution here...I'll have the baby for you!!! You can keep it, give it your name, etc, etc, etc...I want nothing to do with child-rearing at my age..oh yeah, the gay thing? Well, it'll just be the once, you can shut your eyes and pretend KJ stands for Kevin Jones or something...lol.

Seriously, just trying to lighten it up a bit. You know how parents are. In a way it's kind of flattering. They just want a little Matty to love, probably. Because you were such a cute baby. That's a hard thing for a parent to let go of. But they love you so much, I'd bet, and you all will work past this. I'm not gay, but I've heard this mourning process is something that all parents of gay people go through. They aren't mourning you, just the loss of what they expected...it's normal, if unpleasant. Eventually, they'll realize that their real-life wonderful son Matty is way better than any fantasy straight Matt they had in mind! At least when he's sober....get away from the booze! Will you be on later?

Love ya,
KJ

Toomutch

Matt, it sickens me to know that your families’ expectations of you led you to drink. You are who you are Matt and I as well as so many others like you for who you are. Surround yourself with those who accept you for being you.
I think those were selfish statements on their parts... you need to do this so I will be happy type thing.
Get some rest Matt and put away the booze!
Know that you are loved~ Suzette

Eroica

My family also uses those manipulative tactics on me. They've gone as far as trying to bribe me to marry a woman and have kids. I'm sorry you're going through this and I totally understand. Unfortunately, its still a straight man's world and none of us want to let our parents down. But I agree its their problem, not yours. Just remember to never be ashamed and to surround yourself with people who accept you.

Surlyredhead

I love you just the way you are, gay, straight, white, black, yellow or purple. It just doesn't matter, you are you, and there is nothing you can do about it!
Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake, we all do. I bet there aren't many, (if any at all) who quit drinking the first time and never relapsed. I know I didn't.
Please keep coming here, and letting us love you, until you can love yourself unconditionally. That means not feeling bad about the person you are, no matter what anyone says.


Cathy

Mattcake

:ghug3 Thank you, friends

Anna

Matt,

You are so loved here and so appreciated.

Antone

I've never gotten the "passing on the name thing." What's the big deal? Do people think it really matters when they're in the grave? I'm sorry you have to go through that and also regret that it affected your sobriety. I can sure understand how much that hurts. Glad to hear you're okay with who you are and sending you support.

Mattcake

Anna, thank you.

Antone, I don't get it either. We're not talking monarchy here, lol. Thanks for your support

Mattcake

Last night I talked to my family about the stuff they'd said about me being gay. Seems like I overreacted a bit. My mother said she just wanted me to be happy, and that she'd accepted my orientation a long time ago - to the best of her ability, anyway. My father was much warmer; he said that he was proud of me for being true to the way I feel, and for standing up for myself . My sister told me to just stop being a "dolt", lol, and to quit taking offhand comments so personally.

I'm glad that has been cleared up; knowing that my family supports me is a huge plus and, as for other people/society/whatever, well... there's not much I can do about, other than follow my father's advice: be myself.

I really appreciate the support, encouragement and kind words you all extended - thank you

Anna

Matt, that is really good to hear.

It sounds like your family loves you a lot.

FightingIrish

I have become the master of saying, "I'm not really interested in participating in this conversation" to my family. The gay thing was the default topic for years, and eventually I started to develop thick enough skin to be like, "this conversation neither interests me nor benefits me, so I'm going to stop talking now."

vegibean

OMG matt! Coming from a totally straight person here......... I think that's sad. I truly and sincerely do. You are what you are. I don't get where others think that you're going to flip a switch and be "un-gay". I have a couple of gay girlfriends, LOVE THEM!!!!! My sponsee is bi, love her!!!!! They have relationship issues, I listen. They have troubles with family/friends due to their being gay, I listen and support them...........NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!

I'm giving you a big fat cyber hug!!!!!! :ghug

You are certainly one person who I am totally fond of here and you know what? Now that I know you're gay.....HASN'T CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad you shared this with everyone. I feel for you on the fact that you probably deal with the whole "gay" thing on a daily basis due to society, I think it's absolutely crushing that your family isn't 100% behind.

TONS OF LOVE AND HUGS YOUR WAY!!!!

vegibean

and just read through some more of your post..........good.

Lenina

I hope I'm not out of line here but I've never understood why being gay is such a big deal. I have a lot of gay friends. I have some gay family members. Who cares who loves whom as long as they love?

Matt, a dear friend of mine came out to his minister father some years ago. After a few months of "unease" the father realized his son was a fine, upstanding young man of good character with much to offer the world. Dad realized the problem was more his problem than his son's!

You seem like a very nice, intelligent man. I am so sorry you have to struggle through this.

I hope this was OK. I just wanted to lend my support.

Much love,

Lenina

Angelic17

OMG, Gay people are so much fun. My best friend of 25 years is gay, and he is the nicest, most loving caring human on the planet. His problem is that he wont come out of the closet until his macho father dies. His father will not accept it. He told him when he was little, wearing his moms shoes and bra, that there are no gay boys in this house. I know he's gay, he knows he is gay, and he has never said anything about it to anyone other than me. It should not even be an issue. A human is a human. I mean, why all of this emphasis on someones sexual preference? It's nobodys business but yours Matt.
Gay or Straight, Married or single, people need to live in the NOW. And just accept you for the beautiful person that you are. Your parents and sister can't say you will never give them a child to carry on the name. Do they have a crystal ball? I mean alot of gay people have children, or wind up with children sometimes. We never know what the future holds, and if you fall in love and decide to have a family one day, it's very possible. And if you have kids or not thats your choice.
Rise above it. People have been gay since the beginning of time, and that's never going to end. Society has finally accepted homosexuality, and it's not for anyone to judge. My 15 year old nephew through marriage, recently confided in me. He reached out to me, and said he wasn't sure about his sexuality. I know he is gay, and always knew since he was a baby. I embraced him, and told him it makes no difference to me if he is gay or not. I love him just the same. Don't let other peoples hang ups send you to the bottle Matt. Your better than that. It's just not worth it. Stay clean, and stay strong. Sorry for the long post. It's a touchy subject for me. I am glad to see you worked things out with your parents. I'm sure they love you so much. :ghug3

louis

Hi Matt....

Im so glad thing worked out for you.... i undertand the family disappointment thing... my mum has always been supportive... actually the only thing she struggles with is my being transgendered... struggles with louis...
My dad cried when my mum told him i was gay... i really struggled with this... my dad never cried in front of me ever.... i took as a compliment but still hurt when he said i might have well have had another son.... my dad has never spoken about it since and that was 16yrs ago.... he likes to live with his head in the sand... what he doesnt acknowledge doesnt hurt him.

A friend said to once... and i love this saying...

"the only problem with living with your head in the sand is your a$$ is fair game"

Of course i have never said this to my dad

What i have learned is that as long as i am true to myself and am happy in my own skin... thats what matters... I never chose who i would fall in love with/be with. And if its a problem to others... you know what... its THEIR problem...

Please be happy with who you are....

Sorry its so long....

be well
louis

Mattcake

Thanks for insights, love and support Vegi, Lenina, Anna, Louis, Angelic

Why should anyone care about who loves whom, as long as they love? Apparently, certain sectors of society are not enlightened enough to grasp this basic tennet. "Love thy neighbour" gets paid lipstick service and, in reality, we get discrimination, bashing, hate crimes and murder instead. Here are some statistics:

- Gay and lesbian youth are three to four (!) times more likely to commit suicide than other youths and 30% of all completed youth suicides are related to the issue of sexual identity.

- The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force "National Anti-Gay/Lesbian Victimization Report" concludes from its survey: 45% of gay males and 20% of lesbians surveyed reported having experienced verbal harrassment and or physical violence during high school as a result of their sexual orientation.

- In a survey of lesbians and gay men in Pennsylvania, 33% of gay men and 34% of lesbians reported suffering physical violence at the hands of a family member as a result of their sexual orientation.

-A psychological study of 484 students at six community colleges conducted by Dr Karen Franklin, 18% of the men interviewed admitted that they had committed physical violence or threats against men and or women they perceived to be gay or lesbian.

- 80% of lesbians, gay and bisexual youth report servere isolation problems. They experience social isolation, emotional isolation and cognitive isolation.

- 26% of gays and lesbian youth are forced to leave home because of conflicts with their families over their sexual identities.

- 53% of students report hearing homophobic comments made by school staff.

- 80% of prospective teachers report negative attitudes toward gay and lesbian people

- In a study of depression and gay youth, researchers found depression strikes homosexual youth four to five times more severely than other non-gay peers.

- In a recent Australian study of 1500 gay and lesbian adolesents, 80% had not told their parents of their same sex attraction. Gay statistic studies over the past 7 years have indicated that 25% to 40% of young lesbians and gays have attempted suicide.

- 97 % of students in public high schools report regularly hearing homophobic remarks from their peers

- 83% of adolescent lesbians use alcohol, 56% use other drugs, and 11% use crack and/or cocaine.

- 68% of adolescent gay males use alcohol, 44% use other drugs

- 30% of gay and bisexual adolescent males attempt suicide at least once.


Sources:

* Gibson,P (1989)
* Hetrick. E.S., Martin.A.D. Journal of Homosexuality 14 (1/2). 25-43. 1987).
*Making Schools Safe for Gay and Lesbian Youth: Report of Mass. Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth 1993
*Hammelman. T.L. 1990
*US Department of Justice 1997
*Remafedi, Gary, et al. “Risk Factors for Attempted Suicide in Gay and Bisexual Youth,” in Pediatrics, 1991.
* Hunter, Joyce, et al. Unpublished research by the Columbia University HIV center for Clinical and Behavior Studies, 1992.

So, yes, I try to handle it, and most of the time it's no problem. But it affects us all. Forgive me if I sometimes feel gutted because my armour isn't stealthy enough.