I feel like the most horrible person in the world right now. (long)
 

I had to get rid of the puppy today.
I just cant keep up with her and she isnt catchin on to the housebreaking.
I take her out all the time. But she just kept crappin everywhere. Chewing up everything, taking food right out of my baby cousins hands, eating cat crap out of the litter box, and just being a puppy.

We took her so my lil cousin wouldnt freak out and he could keep his dog. My cousin..his mother kept the poor thing locked in its crate for 10 hrs a day while she worked and then all night when they slept. That wasnt fair at all.
So we took her.

My gram goes for major surgery in 2 weeks. I go a week after her for surgery too. I work all day. Cant have the dog crapping all over the place.

But she was the sweetest most happy cuddly little thing. Jumping around when I came home..So happy to see us she couldnt stand it. She followed me everywhere. Slept right up in my back all night everynight. Would sit right next to me all the time. She listened to me when I called her. She was learning commands. She was just the most loyal, lovable little thing.

I was talking to a possible adoptee for the past 2 days. She came to get the dog today last minute. I mean this lady called when she was just about in front of my house to tell me she wanted the dog.

My lil cousin is playin outside somewhere. So I didnt see him and got all the stuff together and out to the lady's car as fast as I could. Lil cousin comes around the corner on his bike just as we shut the door with the dog. HE knows whats up.
He comes flyin down screaming and crying hysterically..ANGEL!!! 'OMG..I was si friggin heartbroken to see his face. I was already broken up to give the dog up to begin with. But when he came down crying and begging to keep her just one more day and he all but jumped on the poor lady.
OMG,,I feel like the biggest piece of ****.

Not only for being the one who got rid of his dog. But for sending the little puppy off with strangers. She was use to us and she looked so scared when the lady took her. I know she will be ok. I asked alot of questions and stuff. She is stay at home soccer mom.
I know the puppy will be fine.
Its real quiet here right now. No dog tormenting my cat. Nothing scratching on my leg to pay attention to her. I will eb in bed all alone and wont have to worry about rollin on anything. Noone there to make feel like a rockstar when I walk in the door. Now I am crying.
I just couldnt keep her and I didnt have the patience to keep trying to train her.
I feel like the biggest, most selfish piece of low life crap right now.

I feel so bad for not posting on anyone elses threads lately too. I just dont feel too encouraging lately.
I am reading and know I am thinking of you all. Even if I dont post.

oh (((Trish))), I am so sorry...
you are not a horrible person..
and all of your emotions are normal...
I think you did the only thing you could do and she will be fine...
I so understand your emotions right now...been there...
I hope you feel better, hon...you did the hard, right thing, even though it feels so bad right now...
:ghug3

Thats so sad but you did the right thing :hug: With all the stuff you got going on and a puppy needs a lot of work and attention.

I havent been posting much either, not feeling like I have much to say lately, just a phase. Chin up sweety!

(((Trish)))

awww, sweetie, I know how much this hurts, and I'm sorry. I'm about in tears with you, and it wasn't even my puppy. I'm just a wimp when it comes to animals.

You know you did the right thing, though. With grams and you having surgery come up, there's no way you need an un-housebroken, very active puppy in the house. You did an awesome job, the best you could do, but sometimes things just don't work out. You found her a home to go to, someone who wants her and will love her.

You have VERY good instincts about people..I know you do. You wouldn't have let the puppy go with anyone you didn't feel right about. The puppy will adjust, I promise. We puppy-sat a chow/pit puppy for a while. It was supposed to be a night or two...turned into almost a week. We wanted to keep the puppy...I named him Hoover, because he inhaled food. He fit right into our family. The guy who owned him, finally decided to get him back, and my stepmom took him back (we were ALL crying) and Hoover acted like he didn't know who the guy was...this was after only a week with us...so puppies adjust to new families pretty quickly, okay?

Be gentle with yourself, snuggle up to bobbles and realize that you did your best, sweetie, and you found Angel a good home.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Bobble doesnt snuggle. She just walks around like she owns the place and eats and sleeps.
Typical cat.
We are goin to get a kitten for my lil cousin. To replace the dog. Cats rpetty much care for themselves. He seems to be ok with that. The lady opened her big ass mouth and said she would bring the puppy back to visit. I odnt think so. Why prolong the agony?
So now he keeps asking me when she is goin to bring the dog back. I am sorry. I am not goin to give the kid false hope. He is goin through **** with his parents divorce and hes only 7. He never wants to go home. He is always here. His mother is too caught up in her 2 or 3 different guys she is always dating. My cousin was never like that. I feel like smacking the **** out of her really. She is acting like she is a teenager and her kids are paying the price. She is not very nurturing. She isnt abusing them or neglecting them. But she doesnt think alot. Its hard to explain. My grams has had it with her.
So me doing that with the puppy just added to my poor lil cousins stress. He is so stressed out for a kid. He worries about things kids shpuldnt even be thinking about.
My cosuin is always yellin at him and ****. Not like cussing. But just snotty and she gets too impatient too fast.
I want him to feel he can always trust me and that he can be safe here. He does. I dont know.I am goin way into left field here.
Honestly..I feel a relapse comin. I am not even goin to lie.
I have been thinking about it too much. Tempting myself to go near the city for other reasons. Thinking I can handle it.
I know I cant. I have thinking ..Well I can take up drinking or smoking pot instead. Just as long as I dont smoke rocks. I am ok. Thast such BS!
I get paid tomorrow and I am alot scared. I am gopin to be real freakin frank. I feel like I am on the friggin edge and I am gonna lose control tomorrow and do something stupid.
I dont know. i may not. I am just puttin it all out there.
I need to come up with a plan tonight and fast.

You are not horrible. You did the only thing possible, given the situation. Don't be mad at yourself. :ghug3


You don't have to relapse. Do'nt let yourself go there. You know better.

:hug: That sucks. I had to give up a pup that was that way too. Couldn't potty train her, couldn't keep her in the yard, and she was destroying everything. :(

Trish, I am so sorry you had to give the little puppy away, what you did however was a very unselfish act. With your grandma's surgery coming up and everything else on your plate, you did the right thing.

(((Trish)))

Come on, dammit, you JUST got a job, you've got surgery coming up, don't screw all this up by going back out there.

Think of your little cousin. You want him to be able to depend on you..his mom is acting like a teenager, so he's got you. How do you think he's going to feel if you run off and go crazy on crack for a few days? You know if you do it once, it's on, right? You'll do it until the money's gone. Look what you did last time...it wasn't pretty.

Get that **** OUT OF YOUR HEAD! It's not worth it. Why the he!! do you want to spend your hard earned money on something that's only going to bring you misery in the long run? They high is NOT THAT GOOD any more for us!!! We've had too much clean time...for every high, there's a ****-load of guilt right behind it.

All lovingly said, of course, from one RECOVERING crackhead to another:)

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chiy,
PLEASE go reread your posts when you came back last time. Play the tape ALL the way through!
Do NOT use no matter what!!!!!
:ghug3

i think of my dog sometimes...i had her put to sleep 5 years ago. her name was bubba. she was old but still had some life in her. I couldn't take care of her anymore and had her at my ex's house and she said the dog had to go and i did it. i cried.

good ole bubba. she was so kind to me.

you did a good thing setting her up with a new home

weill there-- complicated. but life is also, dont beat yourself up- if you cant take care of a dog- thats just the facts. i am a huge dog fan, and think its more wrong (grammar? who gives a crap) .... to keep one in misery than to find someone that wants one. You did the right thing.
I always love your candor expressive nature. If i couldnt take care of my dogs I would do the exact same thing- find someone that can.


Much love to you C- you did the right thing-
Dan

Its not that I couldnt take care of her. It was me not having the patience to want to keep trying to housebreak her. I found myself getting really angry and impatient. i would never hurt the dog. But I just get so frustrated that she wasnt getting it. Guess I know how alot of people must feel with me now.
Plus my grams is left all day to chase after her and a 2 yr old. Not fair to her either.
That dog was spoiled. I just didnt have the time or the patience for a puppy right now.

I am really sad about this for some reason.
Funny..My cat doesnt usually come around too much. But she has been right next to me for the past couple hours. When I layed down and watched tv..She curled up right in front of me cuddles up in my chest. Now she is sleepin on the foot of the bed next to me. Wonder what thats all about.

May be goin to get a kitten tomorrow to replace the puppy for my lil cousin. Get his mind of the puppy a little. But the kitten is in the city I get high in. My Dr appt I have in a week is in the city I get high in. I cant not go to this city forever.

No I remember all too freakin well the last time. Thats why I havent gotten high yet. I dont plan on it.
I am just saying. I feel the signs are lurking. The sadness. The frustration. The boredom. The lonliness. The stuck feeling. The wanting to just numb nothing feeling. Nothing is wrong with my life. I dont understand it.

I am going to come strait home tomorrow and if I have to go to the city. I will be taking my lil cousin with me to get the kitten. I will definately not get high then. Not with him there. No friggin way. Thats one thing that has always stopped me dead in my tracks. High or not. Is kids. I just cant do it. And I will fight anyone I see doing it. I swear to God I will. My business or not. I have no tolerance for people doin that stupid **** with kids around. I get raging crazy mad.

Anyway..I am goin to bed. Thx yall.

Oh my heart goes out to you! Its miserably hard giving a pet away and its so much worse when it breaks a little kids heart but what everyone else has said is right - you did the right thing. You loved the little pup and you still knew it needed a different home - that's being responsible! The pup will be so fine!

Your lil cousin might well need a kitten to love and care for but more importantly it sounds like he really can do with you being around for him at the moment.... and that means you clean and present! What you have been giving him in terms of a haven from his messy home life is so incredibly valuable.

I'll be thinking of ya tomorrow and sending you lots of positivity and strength.

Edit: I just saw your last post - that's an awesome plan! Take lil cousin with you and get a kitten.... nice work!

I really understand all that about life being fine but not feeling emptyness - meditation is what saved my butt in that area - but that's a whole other story - I hope you feel better soon.

:ghug3

I'm late to this Trish but wanted to say...

I understand your feeling crap about the puppy-but you did the right thing-even if it hurt(and it will probably hurt for a while.I'm sorry)

As someone who has worked with dogs for years, I applaud people like you who realise they don't have the energy or time to give a puppy what it needs and then take the time to find a good owner for it.Not everyone does that Trish.some just dump them on the side of the road or drown them.You are not a bad person-you are a responsible person and I'm proud of you.I know how much it hurts.

As to the wanting to use?I'm glad you told on yourself here.I can't really say anything more than what Amy said-other than offer to be my bad self with you and kick your *ss if you do it? (lol) but actually?I don't think you will need me to anyway.I'm glad you're making plans to avoid doing it and again-I'm proud of you for thinking of a way around it.

I have seen you come so far and I am believing in you-that you will continue to move forward.Every day you have clean is a fkn miracle and I want you to know you inspire me in a real way.Not many do-but you have.

I'm thinking of you tonight,

Love and all that touchy feeling **** that we both hate ;)

Jules xox

First off Trish - you're not a monster - don't go getting such high expectations of yourself that you doom yourself to failing.

You're a beautiful caring real human being - don't sell yourself short cos you can't do everything. I know where that led for me.

Like Jules just said, some dogs take a lot of work - you have a lot on your plate right now - and you went out of your way to make sure the pup went to people who'll give it a good home.

Like Sandy posted, that's a lot more than many would do, right there - you would not believe the animals we get dumped in my city. Friggin disgraceful.

As for the thoughts - you know what? I have had a crappy day - really crappy - and I thought of stupid stuff too - just for a minute.

But it's like what do I really want for my life?

All that stuff you said earlier this week about what you'd love to happen and what you've missed out on?

Every choice has a consequence.

You know that, and I believe in you too - I know you know which choice to make :)
hugs
D

Get some rest. And take care of yourself. I think your expectations of yourself are a bit unreasonable. Take it easy. You are newly sober. THAT is a lot to deal with and then add everything else in your life. Be good to yourself. You did the very best thing you could have, for you and the puppy!

((((((((((((TRISH)))))))))))))))))
Honey, I know you and he!! truthfully a lot of us on here do, you have been so strong when all you wanted to do was give up on yourself and I wathc you take these tenitive steps and then you just throw it all away again when these feelings come on.....You HAVE done a GREAT THING with the dog, btw the cat probally is saying thank you for not trying to replace me with a dog and I will be more attentive to you now if you just keep it away!
Now, Just like you did for the dog you need to do for you.................put your needs before your wants..............rather than wanting to get high figure on what you need to do and make those plans......you need to not get high or drink.....what are you going to do? who is going to take care of everything that you have been trying to take care of ie the family...........you know how hard it is to find a job right now why would you throw another one away because of something else that is going to do nothing but bring you down?!?!?
I wish it was time for us to come to the city......I cant wait to meet you.......cuse right now more than anything in this world it sounds like you just need a hug!!!!!! Amy, Jules and Dee are right and they all three said it best.......I really cant add any more to it other than I have faith in you I just wish you could see it in your self!!!!!


Love ya chickie!
Pamm