How do you "Let it Go"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 164
How do you "Let it Go"
I'm 2 weeks short of having one year clean and sober and am grateful for that. But the last couple weeks, my mind has been swimming with so many thoughts and memories of the past. I have so much anger and resentment against certain people and situations. I have been working at steps 4 and 5, go back to 1, 2, 3, look at MY part in things, etc.
Now when I try to do things right, I still get flack for it, or attitude. I want to strike back and say how I feel, but then I stop myself and try to figure out MY part in it.
I'm not talking about one incident here. So many things have surfaced esp in the last couple weeks and I feel like I'm going to SCREAM! In the last 2 weeks of meetings when I talked, I cried because of my strong emotional status...so other meetings, I just listened.
I know I'm not unique, but that is what is going on with me right now. Someday I might take the time to tell you all my story, but for now, I just like the general support.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Now when I try to do things right, I still get flack for it, or attitude. I want to strike back and say how I feel, but then I stop myself and try to figure out MY part in it.
I'm not talking about one incident here. So many things have surfaced esp in the last couple weeks and I feel like I'm going to SCREAM! In the last 2 weeks of meetings when I talked, I cried because of my strong emotional status...so other meetings, I just listened.
I know I'm not unique, but that is what is going on with me right now. Someday I might take the time to tell you all my story, but for now, I just like the general support.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Mary,
I think that anger and resentment, whether toward others or yourself, is such a load to carry around. I have found that 'letting go' is not something I do once and that's it. In some cases, I have to let go repeatedly. Sometimes on a daily basis, I have to remind myself to let go and forgive.
In your post, you said that you are getting flack or attitude. I wonder what people in your life are treating you like that. Have you considered getting rid of toxic people in your life? I try to keep away from negative people.
I'm glad you're here and seeking support and Big Congratulations on your almost One Year Sober!
I think that anger and resentment, whether toward others or yourself, is such a load to carry around. I have found that 'letting go' is not something I do once and that's it. In some cases, I have to let go repeatedly. Sometimes on a daily basis, I have to remind myself to let go and forgive.
In your post, you said that you are getting flack or attitude. I wonder what people in your life are treating you like that. Have you considered getting rid of toxic people in your life? I try to keep away from negative people.
I'm glad you're here and seeking support and Big Congratulations on your almost One Year Sober!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glitzville
Posts: 334
Hi Mary,
I haven't been sober a year yet, but I have a friend that was going through something very similar when she was almost at the one-year mark. She was miserable every which way and sounded much like you right now.
After passing that year mark, everything settled so much. I think you'll find it happens for you, too.
So go ahead, vent away. Let all those feelings swell up and don't be so hard on yourself.
And a big congrats on your milestone coming up. That is so awesome.
Big hug,
Donna
I haven't been sober a year yet, but I have a friend that was going through something very similar when she was almost at the one-year mark. She was miserable every which way and sounded much like you right now.
After passing that year mark, everything settled so much. I think you'll find it happens for you, too.
So go ahead, vent away. Let all those feelings swell up and don't be so hard on yourself.
And a big congrats on your milestone coming up. That is so awesome.
Big hug,
Donna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
People maybe family members dont understand
us as alcoholics or addicts. It takes one to know
one.
As i grew in my recovery i changed. The close
family members that were with me as i went t
hrough those changes. Still they didnt understand
me or my changes.
They were aware of other programs suitable for
them, however they didnt see that they needed it
because they were not the sick ones.
And i understood that.....they were "normies"
in my family.
I by passed them as they stayed where they
were from the beginning. Confused at how i
could behave as i did under the enfluence of
alcohol.
For me, i got sick and tired of trying to explain
to them how AA worked and why i changed as
i did with a program to follow.
My 25 yr marriage ended last yr. because
of the lack of understanding.
Me, i moved on and have recently remarried
to a wonderful, supportive man whom
is also in recovery.
My exhusband and kids have moved on as
well with their lives and everyone is well.
My parents and siblings are another story.
Another situation of misunderstanding.
Im not an alcoholic in some of their minds
and i have severed my ties with them
for many yrs now because of that and other
issues.
I cant make others understand who and what
I am. All i have to please is myself and the Man
upstairs. Today I have to take care of me and
the well being of my sobriety because it is that
important to me.
us as alcoholics or addicts. It takes one to know
one.
As i grew in my recovery i changed. The close
family members that were with me as i went t
hrough those changes. Still they didnt understand
me or my changes.
They were aware of other programs suitable for
them, however they didnt see that they needed it
because they were not the sick ones.
And i understood that.....they were "normies"
in my family.
I by passed them as they stayed where they
were from the beginning. Confused at how i
could behave as i did under the enfluence of
alcohol.
For me, i got sick and tired of trying to explain
to them how AA worked and why i changed as
i did with a program to follow.
My 25 yr marriage ended last yr. because
of the lack of understanding.
Me, i moved on and have recently remarried
to a wonderful, supportive man whom
is also in recovery.
My exhusband and kids have moved on as
well with their lives and everyone is well.
My parents and siblings are another story.
Another situation of misunderstanding.
Im not an alcoholic in some of their minds
and i have severed my ties with them
for many yrs now because of that and other
issues.
I cant make others understand who and what
I am. All i have to please is myself and the Man
upstairs. Today I have to take care of me and
the well being of my sobriety because it is that
important to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Mary,
Thanks for sharing what you are going through. My experience has been like Anna's, in that I have had to sometimes let go of situations a number of times before I achieve any measure of 'success'. 1 year of sobriety is a significant milestone, and as you approach the date of your last drink, one year ago, it makes sense to me that you might be more emotional than usual.
Keep turning it over, and trust that you're where you are supposed to be. I'm trying to remind myself of the same thing, because I've been doing a lot of crying at meetings myself, and feel very uncomfortable going through this.
Hang in there, and keep sharing. You aren't alone.
Thanks for sharing what you are going through. My experience has been like Anna's, in that I have had to sometimes let go of situations a number of times before I achieve any measure of 'success'. 1 year of sobriety is a significant milestone, and as you approach the date of your last drink, one year ago, it makes sense to me that you might be more emotional than usual.
Keep turning it over, and trust that you're where you are supposed to be. I'm trying to remind myself of the same thing, because I've been doing a lot of crying at meetings myself, and feel very uncomfortable going through this.
Hang in there, and keep sharing. You aren't alone.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
For me it's hard to 'let go' and forgive myself cause I am harder on myself than anyone else could be on me. I'm very kind to others, but have never seen myself as deserving of that same kindness. Not a very healthy outlook but I'm working on it!
Miracles Happen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 9,977
Hi Mary, Do you have a God box? I write down on a piece of paper just what or whom I need to let go of and put it in the box. I then turn it over to my HP and try not to take it back. I don't know if this will help you but I just thought I would put it out there. Congratulations of your soon to be 1 year.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by Mary52 
I'm 2 weeks short of having one year clean and sober and am grateful for that. But the last couple weeks, my mind has been swimming with so many thoughts and memories of the past. I have so much anger and resentment against certain people and situations. I have been working at steps 4 and 5, go back to 1, 2, 3, look at MY part in things, etc.
Now when I try to do things right, I still get flack for it, or attitude. I want to strike back and say how I feel, but then I stop myself and try to figure out MY part in it.
I'm not talking about one incident here. So many things have surfaced esp in the last couple weeks and I feel like I'm going to SCREAM! In the last 2 weeks of meetings when I talked, I cried because of my strong emotional status...so other meetings, I just listened.
I know I'm not unique, but that is what is going on with me right now. Someday I might take the time to tell you all my story, but for now, I just like the general support.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Now when I try to do things right, I still get flack for it, or attitude. I want to strike back and say how I feel, but then I stop myself and try to figure out MY part in it.
I'm not talking about one incident here. So many things have surfaced esp in the last couple weeks and I feel like I'm going to SCREAM! In the last 2 weeks of meetings when I talked, I cried because of my strong emotional status...so other meetings, I just listened.
I know I'm not unique, but that is what is going on with me right now. Someday I might take the time to tell you all my story, but for now, I just like the general support.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
I posted this that I found on another thread but I think it is fitting here as well....
"Letting Go''
* To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go'' is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go'' is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go'' is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go'' is to fear less and love myself more.
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space'' to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Be Well
"Letting Go''
* To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go'' is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go'' is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go'' is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go'' is to fear less and love myself more.
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space'' to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Be Well
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Mary,
I am proud of you. It has to be hard to have the strength to be committed at staying clean. I am not an addict, but my son is. He has lied to me so much, that I don't know that I will ever be able to trust him or believe him again. I want to so much, but he has hurt me so bad with all his lies. Please be patient with us, we want to believe you, but that comes with time and effort....showing and proving not saying. I wish he would finally start showing me something. Hang in there, be truthful at all costs and be true to yourself. It will all come together. I promise.
I am proud of you. It has to be hard to have the strength to be committed at staying clean. I am not an addict, but my son is. He has lied to me so much, that I don't know that I will ever be able to trust him or believe him again. I want to so much, but he has hurt me so bad with all his lies. Please be patient with us, we want to believe you, but that comes with time and effort....showing and proving not saying. I wish he would finally start showing me something. Hang in there, be truthful at all costs and be true to yourself. It will all come together. I promise.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
That was great CoDie!!!!
I totally feel ya Mary. It seems that it just takes more time. Maybe not what you want to hear but I have had some days where I've just wanted to lash out at the people that I've been hurt by. When I look back even just months ago compared to now, the things that really sent me burning just don't affect me that much any more. I'm still stinging but it's not that bad.
A year is such an achievement. Just think of how you can look back a year from now and see where you are and how much progress you've made. For me, it just takes that to know that day by day, it does get better, I get stronger and I know I've come a long way.
I have been having a few months of "life" kicking me in the butt, so I'm REALLY feeling you right now. It will get better girl. Keep the faith!!! :ghug3
I totally feel ya Mary. It seems that it just takes more time. Maybe not what you want to hear but I have had some days where I've just wanted to lash out at the people that I've been hurt by. When I look back even just months ago compared to now, the things that really sent me burning just don't affect me that much any more. I'm still stinging but it's not that bad.
A year is such an achievement. Just think of how you can look back a year from now and see where you are and how much progress you've made. For me, it just takes that to know that day by day, it does get better, I get stronger and I know I've come a long way.
I have been having a few months of "life" kicking me in the butt, so I'm REALLY feeling you right now. It will get better girl. Keep the faith!!! :ghug3
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
For balance and peace
I find the Serenity Prayer immensley useful.
Please look in the AA BB for
"Freedom From Bondage"
it gives specific directions about resentments.
(((Mary)))
I find the Serenity Prayer immensley useful.
Please look in the AA BB for
"Freedom From Bondage"
it gives specific directions about resentments.
(((Mary)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 164
Again, thank you all for your comments. A small part of my story is that when my daughter, son-in-law were struggling with financial situations, I let them move into my house with me. I would never let them go without. And I wanted my 2 grandchildren to be well off as well (10 and 2 years old now).
I was working and able to help them and was happy with it.
Last year, I lost my job and possibly my career due to my drug addiction and have not worked this past year. My SIL grandparents are making my house payments and helping my daughter and SIL with the other bills here which they have had to take over completely. My mother is making my car payments. I am very grateful for all they have done.
But my daughter and SIL can really push my buttons sometimes. Today, I was feeling very frustrated and discouraged with many things. The house has lots of "treasures" cluttering up areas of the house. I cleaned off this one desk of mine next to my PC so I could set up my printer. Don't know why it was ever disconnected in the first place unless it was to store my SILs NASCAR memorialbia. I put his things by his PC and desk, cleaned the desk off, set up my printer. My SIL got home and said he didn't have time to deal with the stuff right now and threw all his stuff back on where I had just cleaned off. (He is working on a long essay for school) so I understand he is busy, but this just pushed the button after an already discouraging day.
I just walked away. Didn't say a word. I know if I opened my mouth, I would've regretted it.
I know this sounds like a minor stupid rant but after the past couple weeks, I didn't need it, as minor as this is.
I was working and able to help them and was happy with it.
Last year, I lost my job and possibly my career due to my drug addiction and have not worked this past year. My SIL grandparents are making my house payments and helping my daughter and SIL with the other bills here which they have had to take over completely. My mother is making my car payments. I am very grateful for all they have done.
But my daughter and SIL can really push my buttons sometimes. Today, I was feeling very frustrated and discouraged with many things. The house has lots of "treasures" cluttering up areas of the house. I cleaned off this one desk of mine next to my PC so I could set up my printer. Don't know why it was ever disconnected in the first place unless it was to store my SILs NASCAR memorialbia. I put his things by his PC and desk, cleaned the desk off, set up my printer. My SIL got home and said he didn't have time to deal with the stuff right now and threw all his stuff back on where I had just cleaned off. (He is working on a long essay for school) so I understand he is busy, but this just pushed the button after an already discouraging day.
I just walked away. Didn't say a word. I know if I opened my mouth, I would've regretted it.
I know this sounds like a minor stupid rant but after the past couple weeks, I didn't need it, as minor as this is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Dear Mary, Anger and resentment are the two most dangerous emotions that an alcoholic can have. It's imperative that you work very hard on letting them go. Keep up with the meetings, work with your sponsor and, when all else fails, turn it over to your higher power. You cannot change what happened in the past other than make amends to those you've harmed. You have no control over those who have harmed you, however. So work on dropping harm done to you. Ask yourself why you should let others control your emotions, as that's what's happening. Take back your life and concentrate on your own sobriety.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Congrats on your sober time, Mary. And.....living with my kids would drive me over the edge in short order. I love them to pieces....from their own homes. What I'm trying to say is you are under a lot of stress right now, so that is adding to everything. Take a deep breath...and take care of YOU.
Glad you are at SR.
Glad you are at SR.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
personal space is so important, even in tight quarters. I live with my on again-off again husband and my 21 year old party-time daughter. I have a room built in the garage for me, I have my computer, a reading chair and my bed in here, and a lock on the door!! Try and partition off a little relax-personal area if you can, and congratulations on the up and coming year!
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Great thread!
((((aasharon90)))) Your post is really helpful for me, thank you. Codie thank you as well, I made a copy of your post.
You probably have already seen this since your working your 4th step but I think it is worth posting. This has helped me a lot in dealing with resentments such as you have described with your SIL.
Mary I was taught this exact process in a class on asertiveness I took years ago. People who are "spiritualy fit", "whole" or "centered" don't give us cause for resentment. Keep that in mind, it's there problem not ours. This goes along the lines of what aasharon90 said in her post.
Hope that makes sense.
Quote from Big Book first edition.
((((aasharon90)))) Your post is really helpful for me, thank you. Codie thank you as well, I made a copy of your post.
Originally Posted by CarolD
Please look in the AA BB for
"Freedom From Bondage"
it gives specific directions about resentments.
"Freedom From Bondage"
it gives specific directions about resentments.
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of ohters, fancied or real had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
This is the course we took:
We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
This is the course we took:
We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
Hope that makes sense.
Quote from Big Book first edition.
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