SullenGirl

In my last post, it was mentioned by someone who had commented, that addicts dwell a lot on the opinions of others and I got to thinking. Does anyone else feel that while they are sober, they become extremely apologetic about who they are so they try REALLY hard to be something they aren't, instead of exploring who they are sober and finding new experiences that fit that person?

I have found, that over the years, I have mainly been the "screw up" in my social circle and have always taken the full brunt of that responsibility. As time has went on, I have found I have some people who take full advantage of this and start to blame my drinking for EVERYTHING. For example, I was in a full argument with my friend because of our relationship that had been falling apart and she accused me of only wanting to "go out and drink," so that is why she hadn't made the time for me. At this time, I had been sober for a year... Again, I sucked it up, apologised so things would go back to normal.

A memory that really struck me today was one when I decided to ditch a bunch of my really close girlfriends, to stay after work and drink with a bunch of my not so good, non-sober friends... I remember, I kept speaking of the pressure I was feeling about being something I am not, how I cannot relate to them etc. I didn't really think about what I was talking about, but what I do know, is the pressure that came with hanging out with them, ultimately made me choose getting bombed instead. Now don't get me wrong, not all of my girlfriends shame me for who I am -- I have some incredible people in my life... Sometimes, I think I put the pressure on myself from listening to those who take advantage of my "apologetic self..." Instead of exploring who I am and finding out what I REALLY like and desire, sober, and EMBRACING it... I ultimately try to mold myself into the "perfect" person.

Anyone else see or experienced where I am going with this?

Mary52

I do a lot of apologizing. I also have a problem with feeling worthless and useless. I have screwed up my life and possibly my career. But I am working to get past all that, doing what I'm suppose to do to stay clean and sober and go on. There are those out there that like to keep throwing my addiction in my face time and time again. I wish people would quit looking at WHAT I DID and look at what I'm doing NOW.