I Caved
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 252
I Caved
Well, I was going on 90 days, strong, attending meetings, going through the steps, and BOOM an event caught me off guard. Was it a life threatening event, no, a financial event, yes, one that would have completely broken me, no. I'll spare the details but it was something I didn't need - an excuse to drink, apparently so.
Why, why did I cave in, I don't know at the moment. I stalled on my 9th step - is that why? Probably not but I have to get to the bottom of WHY. Is alcohol going to solve this problem, no. Is alcohol going to lessen the pain, no. Is alcohol going to accomplish anything, clearly not.
I called a few AA friends and we're going to meet up for some coffee in a bit. There is something here I am missing, once I find out what it is, I'll share it with all of you. Right now I'm just confused.
RV
Why, why did I cave in, I don't know at the moment. I stalled on my 9th step - is that why? Probably not but I have to get to the bottom of WHY. Is alcohol going to solve this problem, no. Is alcohol going to lessen the pain, no. Is alcohol going to accomplish anything, clearly not.
I called a few AA friends and we're going to meet up for some coffee in a bit. There is something here I am missing, once I find out what it is, I'll share it with all of you. Right now I'm just confused.
RV
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ottawa,Ontario
Posts: 55
Who know the "what" causes us to drink,I had so many reasons to drink.Being happy when my life was going great was one of them too.I knew when I was happy that I would not over do it too.It is a disease and it was caused me to have my last drink .When I saw that it wasn't my fault or life's circumstances.Realizing that one drink would start that craving where I had to have the next and so forth.Just don't have that proverbial one then the craving for more won't happen.Its what worked for me and has been going on 13 years after loads of relapses.I garden now and do not know the meaning of two or three plants it is overdone too But I Love to garden. Keep the faith one day you'll get the kick that sends you upstairs and not down.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
RV..I'm going to be blunt here...the part that is missing is the "I must never put alcohol in my body" part. I do agree we need to get to the bottom of why we drink but in the mean time we must not drink. Did you reach out to any aa friends before you drank? I found that many people don't utilize that tool. There are days it will be damn hard but anything worthwhile usually is. All is not lost...undoubtably you will be using this recent drinking episode as a learning tool. Keep reaching out.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
Hi RV,
This disease is amazingly relentless.
It is always waiting, lurking, looking for a way back in.
Having nearly 90 sober days is great! Be proud of what you accomplished and know that you can do it again, and more.
This disease is amazingly relentless.
It is always waiting, lurking, looking for a way back in.
Having nearly 90 sober days is great! Be proud of what you accomplished and know that you can do it again, and more.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 164
I have been told that there is no "excuse" to drink or use. I have been told I drank and used because I "wanted to." But I've also been told that I can start my day over at any time.
I'm amazed that you were already on the 9th step with less than 3 months sobriety. I know everyone works at their own pace and/or under the guidance of their sponsor. I will have one year in a couple weeks and have done step 5 with my sponsor. But I'm re-doing step 4 because I know I missed things and newer things keep surfacing. I also keep going back to steps 1, 2, and 3 continuously. I read the 12 step book and AA book regularly and highlight and really try to dive into the meaning of each sentence.
Anyways......you can go on from here. Best of Luck to you.
I'm amazed that you were already on the 9th step with less than 3 months sobriety. I know everyone works at their own pace and/or under the guidance of their sponsor. I will have one year in a couple weeks and have done step 5 with my sponsor. But I'm re-doing step 4 because I know I missed things and newer things keep surfacing. I also keep going back to steps 1, 2, and 3 continuously. I read the 12 step book and AA book regularly and highlight and really try to dive into the meaning of each sentence.
Anyways......you can go on from here. Best of Luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 252
Thanks everyone so much.
Bugsworth, you are not being blunt at all and I truly thank you for your response, however -
"I must never put alcohol in my body" part.
That goes without saying and I wish it were that easy but it's clearly not. No, us alcholics should never put that stuff in our body, however, it's not like drinking Draino. Sure, it's a poison, but a poison that gives us a buzz, makes us forget problems, (temporary of course) gives courage, etc. etc. with after effects that trash our lives.
Did I reach out to other folks, yes, before I drank last night no.
My point - my point is that you're making it sound a bit sterile - just don't take that first drink. If it were that easy, this board would not exist, AA would not exist, I would not have driven by the liquor store and bought that bottle.
Bugsworth, you are not being blunt at all and I truly thank you for your response, however -
"I must never put alcohol in my body" part.
That goes without saying and I wish it were that easy but it's clearly not. No, us alcholics should never put that stuff in our body, however, it's not like drinking Draino. Sure, it's a poison, but a poison that gives us a buzz, makes us forget problems, (temporary of course) gives courage, etc. etc. with after effects that trash our lives.
Did I reach out to other folks, yes, before I drank last night no.
My point - my point is that you're making it sound a bit sterile - just don't take that first drink. If it were that easy, this board would not exist, AA would not exist, I would not have driven by the liquor store and bought that bottle.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Do you think had you reached out before you drank you might have been able to avert the situation? Just a question...not meant to put you off or offend in anyway.
I would agree that it is difficult to simply not drink but bottom line is that is exactly what we must do...no alcohol...ever. You chose to go to the liquor store instead of picking up the phone or getting to a meeting...bad choice...next time when the voice starts talking use the tools given to you in meetings...I have no doubt you can do this...90 days is huge....do it again...and again. I wish you much success.
I would agree that it is difficult to simply not drink but bottom line is that is exactly what we must do...no alcohol...ever. You chose to go to the liquor store instead of picking up the phone or getting to a meeting...bad choice...next time when the voice starts talking use the tools given to you in meetings...I have no doubt you can do this...90 days is huge....do it again...and again. I wish you much success.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 41
I can't tell you how many times I had fallen down and "skid my knee" in this run of recovery. I also can't count how many times I have heard from my HP and others to "Get right back up!". Shaking off the the self-hatred and my self-pity and get right back in the race.
I am an analytical "Why?" guy myself, but I have come to realize the most important part in my recovery is to do what I already know works for my recovery and figure out the "Why's" (because they can be helpful to answer also) along the journey. Keep putting one courageous step in front of the other.
I am an analytical "Why?" guy myself, but I have come to realize the most important part in my recovery is to do what I already know works for my recovery and figure out the "Why's" (because they can be helpful to answer also) along the journey. Keep putting one courageous step in front of the other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 252
Originally Posted by bugsworth 
Do you think had you reached out before you drank you might have been able to avert the situation? Just a question...not meant to put you off or offend in anyway.
I would agree that it is difficult to simply not drink but bottom line is that is exactly what we must do...no alcohol...ever. You chose to go to the liquor store instead of picking up the phone or getting to a meeting...bad choice...next time when the voice starts talking use the tools given to you in meetings...I have no doubt you can do this...90 days is huge....do it again...and again. I wish you much success.
I would agree that it is difficult to simply not drink but bottom line is that is exactly what we must do...no alcohol...ever. You chose to go to the liquor store instead of picking up the phone or getting to a meeting...bad choice...next time when the voice starts talking use the tools given to you in meetings...I have no doubt you can do this...90 days is huge....do it again...and again. I wish you much success.
"bad choice" gee, ya think?
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I think bugs has some very good points. you asked to try to get to the bottom as to why you did it.
Well..Maybe ..just maybe if you had chose differently..things would have turned out differently.
If you had called for support then maybe you wouldnt have gone that route.
So maybe that could be WHY.
Or maybe it could be something totally different.
But I dont know.
I doubt it is meant to rub it in.
Its just anothers perspective.
Just try again.
Always try again.
And hang in there.
Well..Maybe ..just maybe if you had chose differently..things would have turned out differently.
If you had called for support then maybe you wouldnt have gone that route.
So maybe that could be WHY.
Or maybe it could be something totally different.
But I dont know.
I doubt it is meant to rub it in.
Its just anothers perspective.
Just try again.
Always try again.
And hang in there.
TRying New LifE
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 14
"A relapse is not a failure of treatment, but instead, a relapse is part of recovery.." (Addiction)
. Stay on the UP's... You already had 90 days.. You appear to be doing great.. Don't let this small step back allow you to regress immensely. .. . .. . . ................Z
. Stay on the UP's... You already had 90 days.. You appear to be doing great.. Don't let this small step back allow you to regress immensely. .. . .. . . ................Z
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
RV hold your head high over the 90 days sober, for an alcoholic that is a major deal!
Now I will back what Bugs said 100%, you said that picking up the phone would not have made a difference! I am not being mean here, but my experience is totally different. At 2 months I was there, I was ready to drink, if there had been one in front of me I would have drank! If a store had been right there I probably would have drank, but instead I stopped my truck and I called someone, do not ask me what they said, I told them "Man I want a Fing drink right now!", we spoke for about 5 minutes and the need was gone.
Several months later the shoe was on the other foot, it was about noon and a guy I had given my number to just a few days earlier called me and said "Man I want a Fing drink right now!", I kind of panicked in my head because I had no idea what to say, but we spoke for about 5 minutes and then he said "Thanks, I am okay now." I wanted to ask him what I said that changed his mind, but I didn't, I simply told him I had been where he was at and a phone call was the trick.
RV it happened, it is over with and you are back on track, talk it over with your sponsor and others, but if you are not calling folks in the fellowship every day then I would suggest doing so. When I first got sober I hated the phone, hell when my mother was alive I only called her on her birthday and Christmas, unless I was broke down I called no one and when I was called I kept the conversation to an absolute minimum.
My sponsor suggested that if I wanted to increase my chances of staying sober I needed to learn how to talk to people on the phone, he told me if I really wanted it to call 3 people in the fellowship every day no matter what, even if it was just to say "Hi, how you doing?"
Well I had committed myself to doing what ever it took to stay sober, so I did call 3 people every day....... & I actually found them thanking me for calling them and made some good friends! My sponsor calls AA folks every day and as the saying goes "If you want what I have, do what I do."
Look RV relapses happen, you never have to relapse again unless you choose to, go back over what you were doing and what you were not doing. You mentioned being on step 9, relapses are not rare at that point, they happen to folks who are not making amends they need to make and are instead coming up with excuses not to do so.
It happened, you made it back, that is another BIG BIG deal, one more thing to hold your head high about, so many of us relapse and let our pride keep us out there drinking instead of getting back on the horse. You experience will in the future be something to help someone else.
It may be a good idea to sit down with your sponsor and start right back at step one and see what needs to be taken more to heart. The steps do work for those who take them to heart.
Now I will back what Bugs said 100%, you said that picking up the phone would not have made a difference! I am not being mean here, but my experience is totally different. At 2 months I was there, I was ready to drink, if there had been one in front of me I would have drank! If a store had been right there I probably would have drank, but instead I stopped my truck and I called someone, do not ask me what they said, I told them "Man I want a Fing drink right now!", we spoke for about 5 minutes and the need was gone.
Several months later the shoe was on the other foot, it was about noon and a guy I had given my number to just a few days earlier called me and said "Man I want a Fing drink right now!", I kind of panicked in my head because I had no idea what to say, but we spoke for about 5 minutes and then he said "Thanks, I am okay now." I wanted to ask him what I said that changed his mind, but I didn't, I simply told him I had been where he was at and a phone call was the trick.
RV it happened, it is over with and you are back on track, talk it over with your sponsor and others, but if you are not calling folks in the fellowship every day then I would suggest doing so. When I first got sober I hated the phone, hell when my mother was alive I only called her on her birthday and Christmas, unless I was broke down I called no one and when I was called I kept the conversation to an absolute minimum.
My sponsor suggested that if I wanted to increase my chances of staying sober I needed to learn how to talk to people on the phone, he told me if I really wanted it to call 3 people in the fellowship every day no matter what, even if it was just to say "Hi, how you doing?"
Well I had committed myself to doing what ever it took to stay sober, so I did call 3 people every day....... & I actually found them thanking me for calling them and made some good friends! My sponsor calls AA folks every day and as the saying goes "If you want what I have, do what I do."
Look RV relapses happen, you never have to relapse again unless you choose to, go back over what you were doing and what you were not doing. You mentioned being on step 9, relapses are not rare at that point, they happen to folks who are not making amends they need to make and are instead coming up with excuses not to do so.
It happened, you made it back, that is another BIG BIG deal, one more thing to hold your head high about, so many of us relapse and let our pride keep us out there drinking instead of getting back on the horse. You experience will in the future be something to help someone else.
It may be a good idea to sit down with your sponsor and start right back at step one and see what needs to be taken more to heart. The steps do work for those who take them to heart.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Smithfield, VA
Posts: 521
Hey bro, sh!t happens sometimes. Just use this as a learning experience and try to learn how it can be avoided again. I know how far you've made it before this and I know you can do it again and longer. You can always PM me whenever you want, and please do before that first drink is taken. Or anyone else you feel comfortable with. Don't beat yourself up over this, just use it as a learning aid. We're here to help when and how we can. And I know I'm behind ya 100% and will do anything I can to be of some assistance. Keep hanging in there bro.
Wes
Wes
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Aww, I am sorry that happened. You have the tools to help you. Just gotta remember to use them! I don't know what finally kicked in with me on that, but I, too, am going on my 90 days (MAY 3rd!!!). It's hard, I understand. I know.. I've been through it so many times. Whatever changed me into making calls before going out and getting loaded, I don't know. When I do figure that out, I'll be sure to share. I am happy I finally caught on....
Just pick yourself up. Dust off. Try again. I am glad you went to your friends, afterward, at least. Some people feel too ashamed and keep going out. I am glad you are here too! :ghug3
Just pick yourself up. Dust off. Try again. I am glad you went to your friends, afterward, at least. Some people feel too ashamed and keep going out. I am glad you are here too! :ghug3
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Just a thought...
Perhaps there was still a lurking notion in the back of your mind that you could control alcohol? That this time would be different?
Maybe review your step work with this new experience in mind. Could be that you needed this last failure to convince yourself once and for all that alcohol is a dead-end. If this was the case, it may have been something you needed to experience and can be used as a positive. There is no shame in this.
My experience.
BB quote from the 1st edition of the BB.
Maybe review your step work with this new experience in mind. Could be that you needed this last failure to convince yourself once and for all that alcohol is a dead-end. If this was the case, it may have been something you needed to experience and can be used as a positive. There is no shame in this.
All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
BB quote from the 1st edition of the BB.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Mary52
I'm amazed that you were already on the 9th step with less than 3 months sobriety. I know everyone works at their own pace and/or under the guidance of their sponsor.
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