Aysha

It dawned on me today that I havent been in any kind of real relationship in about 10 years.
I am 33. That is not right. I spent most of my 20's alone. Well..Me and my rocks and whatever dealer I was using at the time.
I wouldnt even know how to go about going out with anyone. I feel weird even thinking about it.
And after some lines that I have crossed. It makes it that much more confusing. Alot changed for me when I crossed a certain line in my addiciton.
I am not sure if it will ever be the same again.
I dont take compliments well. I feel all awkward.
If I was after soem money I could juice the hell out of someone and play that role to the fullest.
But on the real side. It scares the **** out of me.
Plus my weight makes me disgusted and feel so ugly. I dont act my age really. I can..But dont that much.
I am not real girly and stuff. I am just like all weirded out I feel like.
I was never like this.
I dont know. I just dont want to die alone. I dont want to be lonely the rest of my life.
Just thinking again. End thought.

Mary52

I feel the same a lot. Difference is that I'm about 20 years older than you. Good Luck and I hope you feel better.

shaun00

girls........come on ...theres someone for everyone.......just when you least exspect it.......

If it can happen for this old bum.........it can happen for you too.

i know it aint easy.....but dont loose hope...

I always said when the "boss" thought i was ready it would happen....

Dont forget......you all got stacks of friends on here........trucker

Mary52

Thanks Trucker, but I'm done with it. Love sober friends, tho...

aasharon90

I worked with a man that was 20 yrs older than
I back in Houston and He had never been
married before. So when i was 45 he was 65.

Anyway...i kept thinking he would probably
die an old maid. Well, surprise, he did find
someone justlike him and they got hitched.

Of course once he got married he began
to reflect back on how great it was when
he was the captain of his own ship.....u
know what i mean?

So i told him that all i heard for so long
was how miserable he was being by himself
and that he wished he had someone.

Well his wish came true,,,,,and well u
know the old saying....be careful of what
u wish for.

I believe,,,,,,God wont give u anymore
to u than what u can handle. And if its
in the cards for u to share ur life with
someone, then He will bless u with them.

I just place my will and life over to Him and
He takes care of the rest.

33 yrs old is young. Ur a young chick..

At my age i dont act it....im like a child in
many ways.....and i can be tough or i can be
very feminine.

Im glad i can do whatever my heart desires
and so can u.

A new hair style, a little lip color, a frilly top
with capris and sandles, a little sweet cologne.

Ud be surprise at how good ud feel with a little
pampering. Ur worth it u know?

Aysha

I am sure one day I will find someone. And to be honest. Its really not something i am looking for at the moment anyway. MAybe I should have made that clear.
But one day when I have my head on right and all that. It just freaks me out that I spent my entire 20's almost alone being a drug addict and didnt have the type of relationships or lifestyle..or do or live the way most people in their 20's do.
I am not ugly. I am really over weight tho.
But its not so muvch the outside as much as the inside.
I mean..Ok..I am just goin to say it...Its like I am punching a time clock anytime I am with the opposite sex. For any reason at all. And sex repulses me now.
I was an escort for alot of years and walked the streets too for alot of years.
That does something to you. It changes you in a way I cant begin to explain.
Anyway.. I am just ramblin..thinking out loud.
I need to get some real f2f friends so I can have someone to talk to. I gotta be drivin yall crazy with my loud thoughts here lately.

Mark75

No you are not driving us crazy... I feel privileged to hear you share. Now is the time to lean hard on your higher power... do the next right thing... one day after another.

Have FAITH. When the time is right, the guy is right, it won't be like punching the clock.

Stay OPEN to the newness of your experience in sobriety. You were old in your 20s, older than I can imagine and I am almost 20 years older chronologically than you.

You are younger now than you were then.

My thoughts are with you... Mark

adore79

Hi Trish, I dont anything to add I just wanted to give ya a hug.

joedris

Just a quick question. Are you involved in any type of recovery program? NA, perhaps?

sailorjohn

Gonna add, you are still a baby Chi. You have your whole life ahead of you, concentrate on your sobriety, get busy!

Dee74

I really got nothing to add either Trish. In my experience, you can worry about all that 24/7 and it still...just happens when it happens

You're a good and decent person - that counts for a helluva lot believe me

We are what we are. We may have missed out on stuff but all we did do made us who we are.

I wish I was 33 btw LOL
D

Anna

Trish, continue to work on how you like and love yourself.

Things will fall into place.

aasharon90

Did you ever see that LMN movie with
Tori Spelling in it where she works for
an escort service to make money for
school. Then she tried to get out and
the man tried to kill her? Anyway, u
can see how it changed her when she
was working,,,,,,fine clothes and then
the men....she asked if she could just
go out with them without sex and her
boss told her to do what ever she felt
comfortable with.

Have u seen that movie?

She did get out and found a nice boy
to date at the end.

louis

Hiya...

I agree with Anna there...
I think we spend so much time thinking how horrible we are when we first start in recovery that we have to almost re-learn how to love ourselves... and you know if we put ourselves down enough thats all others will see (a beaten down person)...

I have seen and read what you write here... i dont always post because i dont usually know what to say... but this hit me strong (dont know why)....
when i've read your posts to others i am always pleased with what i see.... you have such a kind heart and a very wise head on them young shoulders...

As others have said the RIGHT person will come along at the RIGHT time for you... as they have and will for the rest off us... IT WILL HAPPEN...

I am writing this for you but it works true for me aswell....

I wish you every happiness when that time come for you... you do deserve it!!!!

be well
louis

WLDKATZ

My dear sis Trish..................
a lot of ppl said it better than I ever could, you know you and I have walked a lot of the same paths, The sex for money thing all of it drugged out as much of my 20s as I could, honey YOU KNOW what happened when I went on that blind date, you have seen the changes in my life that Edward has made to and with me.......it will come honey......your no where near an old maid.......as for your size, sweetie I out weight you ten to one and ya know it (323 yesterday) but I have a drop dead man who worships me for me.........and he thinks that I am worth it, you WILL find that one day I promise you will......as for sex, who needs it, even now I find that we arent as active as when we were first dating, we have gone months without the sex........but it is the tenderness and the hand holding and funny faces and just being together I could never do without again.......give yourself a chance to love you.....FOR WHO YOU ARE.....The rest will follow!



Love ya girl!
Pamm


PS I turn 39 in a few weeks you mention being old again when I get out there next month I am stompin ya........lol
BTW that is my biggest fear as well, being alone

least

Dear Trish, just love yourself and when the right person comes along, it'll happen. I'm almost 58 and will probably be single for the rest of my life. It doesn't bother me tho.

You are very young. YOu have lots of years to enjoy your life. Enjoy it one day at a time - as it comes.:ghug3

Aysha

Yall have me teary eyed.

That is what I miss. Being able to be like that without feelin like I am obligated or wanting something in return. Its alot in my own head too.

My last relationship ended about 10 yrs ago. Because of crack. We didnt do it when we first got together. But I walked in on him doin it one day and that was the beginning of the end. We stayed together for a couple more yrs. I got pregnant and lost the baby at 5 mos. He gave me something I was told I would never have. Then I lost it and he wasnt there for me. I should have known then we werent goin anywhere. But when I was homeless for a day with nowhere to go in Daytona beach over crack. And the day we fist fought over who was pushin the pipe. I knew it was over. I swore I would never get involved with another addict ever again in any form. And I didnt. Not on a real level.

I have these half assed "things" with a few dealers. But whatever. You that was all with one thing in mind on my part in the beginning. Plus you learn to never get too attached to someone you met the same way you meet most guys when your addicted. No matter how much they swear they can change you.

My last one actually stopped selling and moved to NY with me when we moved here. LOl. Tryin to live square with someone I hated from the start and only used to get what I could. He got deported like 3 yrs ago. I dont think anyone has ever made me that sick to my stomach before. I have plotted his murder a few times. The abuse..the chaos..the drugs the money..the times I would catch him with other tricks. Like I expected anything different.

Anyway. I know things take time. I have been alone for so long. And I like it like this most of the time. But I miss being that little china girl that was so innocent and had a boyfriend to protect me and hold me and do goofy things with. Make me feel special and like a woman. Now I feel like a big ole butchy bully. I dont mean that in a bad way. Thats just how I feel cause I am real not lady like anymore. I lost alot of my femininity being in the street. If that makes sense.
Oh well..I dont want to go on and on with this.
I like bein alone for now anyway. And I have a really long way to go before I am even close to being with anyone like that.
Thx for responding. I just think alot now.

mikefreak

33? wish I would have straightened up back then- EIGHTEEN years ago! My guess is that someone will show up in your life when you least expect it.(!) By reading your blogs, I can tell you are an intelligent, compassionate person. It'll HAPPEN.

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I know the feeling, and I'm 14 years older than you! You're right...the street-walking stuff does change us. We've talked about this, and we both have a lot of work to do on our self esteem.

I'm okay with being alone, for now, but I'm not ready to accept that it's going to be this way forever and I don't think you should either. I had a customer at work recently give me his phone number and the very thought of calling me scared me to death!! Just think...we've survived the 'hood, lived through some pretty dangerous things, and we're terrified of dating

I'm just trying to be open to meeting men as friends, and keeping my distance from the obvious dope-boys and gangsta-wanna-be's. Hey, we gotta start somewhere, right?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Believe808

Chiy, All things happen in God's time not our time. Working on your sobriety and self worth are more important for today. I am 54 and as much as I would love someone to hold me and love me I don't know if my head is in the right place for it right now. How can I expect someone to love me when right now I don't really love myself? Be patient and give time time. I think you are a very special girl with alot of compassion. Love yourself and someday when you least expect it, it will happen. Hugs and more Hugs Donna