Tazman53

Trish do not sweat it! It will come, as you work your sobriety and come to like your self for who you are you will become a magnet. Men are attracted to women who are self confident, who like them selves, well good men are any how! There are the predators out there who seek out women with low self esteem and self hatred.

Just work on your self for now, as you become comfortable with Trish good en will be comfortable with you as well. Why not forget the romance and just right now as you get better become friends with men, th best long term relationships are ones that start off as friendships and not the romance novel love and lust at first sight!

BTW most men do not find a skinny boney woman attractive, that is something the fashion and diet industry sell, it is not reality.

Look at most women with a good solid relationship with a man, are they skinny, are they really good looking? Most are not, they are simply good people.

The right guy will come along when you are not looking for him or even really wanting him.

22NGONE

Chi,

My sponsor is 70 years old and he recently "found" somebody, or rather, she found him. They are so cute, I see them walking around town all of the time.

I'm 46 and divorced and was until just recently, relentlessly dating trying to find someone... anyone really, imposing "my will" on the situation. I just let it go recently, whatever happens, happens. I do know that if I don't stay sober, my chances of finding someone again will be ZERO.

You are young and as long as you focus on yourself and growing into a truly good person, I'm sure you will find someone, or, more likely they will find you.

Wishing you miles of smiles,

John

four812

tough feelings

thanks for sharing these chiynyta...

you seem awesome and I would take you out if we were closer !!
a "sex-less" , and fun time date without crack....

anyway for me...I've noticed and thought about this lonliness a few times lately. It will be with me for the duration i figure....and i know that no girl will take it away for me. trying to fill this void with a girl, crack, or whatever is always the same thing....i'm still left with me.

anyway just a thought back at you...no advise. just relating my own current thoughts on this...

your a fine person and i appreciate your honesty...always.

four812

oh i almost forgot....here's this:


(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

Bunny!



and this:

(=^_^=)

Kitty Kat !

CrackQuack

Sorry to quote you. I am not personally picking you out per se... Just want to give my opinion on that part. I believe God WILL give you more than you can handle, or what you perceive is what you can handle, so that you will give it to Him and allow Him to work his miracle through you and show you the way. There's a lot of **** I've been through that I KNOW I could not handle alone. And this includes my addiction. God didn't give me my addiction, but when I gave it to Him, and asked him to help me, I've been on a much better road. I've had my cravings, but I've used the tools He and NA gave me, to not take that first one. One is too many and a thousand is never enough..
Anyway, Chy, dear, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I'm 34 and I've been married twice and in 4 serious relationships over my life. Well, count my current SO and you can say he's number 5. I count my blessings to have him. My boyfriend is a wonderful person inside and out. He shares, he';s patient, he's kind. A bit eccentric with his car habit and I have to bite my tongue, sometimes when he compares his car habit to my addiction, but he does sometimes make a point.. He has a lot of cars and sometimes he just can't help himself with them. Anyway, no one is perfect, but I, too, believe there is someone out there for everyone. I hope you find your mate soon. Look on craigslist. It's where I found my boyfriend. NO KIDDING! I put up an ad, several responded. Some were disgusting and perverted. Some were nice, but when we went out, things just didn't click. Heck, one guy I went out with I used for gas money so I could use my money to get crack. That was awful...
But when I met my boyfriend, I just felt something. Like we could work. I know it's TMI, but when we first slept together, I was actually nervous like a teenager! I was shaking so bad and it wasn't until months later, when I told him about my addiction, that he finally understood why I was so nervous. I was entering into a relationship, which was really the last thing I wanted to do at the time. My soul was ready, but my mind is jaded....
I really hope you feel better. Don't be so hard on yourself! Even though I lost 130 lbs. in active addiction, I am still what society considers as fat, clocking in 182 lbs on my 5' 9" frame. I am a size 10-12, depending on who we buy the clothes from. I don't wear make up too often. I never wear dresses or heels or anything other than sandals or gym shoes. I love mens clothing, t-shirts and shorts fit me better cuz my biceps are big... And I play with cars.. hahaha. May be what got me and the boyfriend together in the first place. Craigslist was just the middle man....

Toomutch

Trish, when the time is right someone special will enter your life. It will happen when you least expect it. You are still so young... Take care of yourself and work on your recovery for now.

Love ya

Mattcake

Chi, I remember we talked about this in the chatroom a while ago (6-8 months ago, maybe?). Back then, you were quite adamant about being single for the time being. I think that the fact that you brought up this subject shows a change of perspective I agree with Anna, work on yourself, keep reaching out, and it'll work out

OceanBound

Chi,

We can't rewrite the past but even if we could who knows where we'd be now anyway... I am also 33. On the surface I did everything right in my life up to this point: college, grad school, career. Had the "age-appropriate" activities and lifestyle. But that was on the surface, for show. And what I have to show for my 20s now is a train wreck of relationships that left me wanting to be alone for a long time, a deep-seated depression and an addiction that I am trying to kick now.

But we are still young and hopefully will heal ourselves to be whole again with or without that special person.

Take care! :ghug3
OB

Sweets79

I'm 29 and sometimes wonder if I will ever get married...I was with a great guy for 5 years, then we broke up...he is still a great friend to me..Sometimes personalities just clash and it gets harder and harder to deal with that person. Now that I look back at things in retrospect, I think if there was more communication, things might have worked out, who knows... Then I found myself going for the opposite type of guy... which at the time I thought was good..I wound up falling for a bad guy who played lots of games...he was very charming in the beginning.. that's when my drinking started getting out of control, before that I don't remember hardly touching a drink...After him I met another one, even worse...who I was fooled by yet again...so it was a double whammy for me...2 bad relationships, one right after the other...That's my fear too though..growing old and alone...I hate being alone. But, my mother always said, it's better to be alone, than to be with the wrong person...I feel like I'm getting older and I haven't been meeting the right men...I guess it is a cycle...being depressed, drinking, being depressed again...I'm just trying to stay positive, I hope you will too

Aysha

I dont think I ever want to get married. At least not now. I just dont see it happening.
I am alot to handle and can be very selfish.
I like to do what I want..when I want.

What bothers me a little too..Is that I am not even too ashamed to say all that what I shared with you guys.
It doesnt bother me personally that I did do those things. I am not proud of it. But its not like I have to hide thia huge dark secret. Its not something I will advertise either. But its also something I did for awhile not using too.
So what does that mean?
I escorted for a good while not using cocaine. Just pot.
So its not like the drugs drove me to those measures.
Is that horrible of me to not be ashamed to much about it?

I will talk about ti openly with my family. And as bad as this sounds. I use to pay my grmas to drive me to escort calls when my license was suspended. She would make almost 100 bucks a night just driving me to a couple calls.
What does that make her?

My mom was a prostitute. Thats how my father met her in Korea. But she was supporting her family. Thats the way alot of families did. Sent their daughters to make money from the military men. He even had to pay her family to marry her.

Is it wrong for me to act like it is kinda normal and ok to have done all that?

It has effected how I view men in a big way.
I dont think of women like that tho. I have went on calls for women before. But it didnt make me feel the same as with men.

I dont know. Maybe I am just twisted in the head.,

dedubya

hey girl-
there are a million guys that would love to be with you and have a relationship. dont beat yourself up over the past. its gone. well there is my small piece of wonderful advice. from what i know from your posts here you are a very insightful wonderful person, who is pretty awesome in my opinion. you hang in there. You have always inspired me. Love to you- Dub.

123bubblegum123

Hey,

First, you deserve a HUGE hug. I think this whole relationship ordeal is a big issue for (especially) women who get into recovery. We tend to run our way through a trail of tearful relationships (if you can even categorize them as such) and then wonder, while sober, where the hell things went wrong?

Instead of eagerly jumping to my default advice for single gals (i.e. build up your self esteem) i'm going to preface my post with this: you need to learn to love yourself before you even remotely consider loving someone else. Tall, small, fat, thin, funny, boring, whatever - LOVE YOURSELF! Every time you start getting down on yourself for your past or for how you feel about yourself, write down (or make a mental list) of random things you actually dig about yourself - be it stuff like "I love how I can color in the lines with those paint by numbers things" or "I love what a good friend I am." I find that a lot of people in recovery have negative attitudes towards almost everything, and it's really only going to put obstacles in your way, and prevent you from ever feeling happy.

Now, as for the whole idea of companionship, i.e. someone to cuddle with, someone who will be loyal, etc.. my suggestion: get yourself a dog! That's totally what you described! You are simply forgetting that relationships are hard work. No one is perfect, and no matter how pretty/smart/rich you are, you could wait FOREVER and not find the prince charming who sweeps you off your feet and remains your number one fan! It's depressing, but let's be real. For all of the great times I had with past boyfriends I sure had a handful of bad times too! Nothing is as good as it seems. Honestly, the best and (by far) most loyal relationship you can have is one with yourself. Become your own companion. Stop putting yourself down and start recognizing how amazing you are, hell, you are clean & sober from one of the deadliest drugs out there, you are articulate and smart, and you are compassionate and caring. What the hell more could a guy ask for? Just be patient, and in the mean time while you're waiting for prince charming, work on really getting to know how to make yourself happy.

Take care,
Rachel

sfgirl

I'm 27 and I basically haven't been in a real relationship for ...27 years so I get it. I feel sort of like a freak but I also feel kind of lucky. I think recovery is so much easier alone. Also I imagine I wasn't really ready for any sort of intimacy. No, I know I wasn't ready for any sort of intimacy and so any semblance of a relationship would have been some sort of a disaster, oh yeah it was. Luckily though I feel less alone in recovery than I did not in recovery although I almost never talk to men right now because I am sort of tunnel vision myself. Sometimes I find myself catching a vibe and that is fun, or a glance, but seriously I can't deal. And my friends are talking about getting married and babies. I am about a decade behind but somehow I am cool with that.

I think part of it is that my mom got married really late for her generation, at 38. She was from the south too where that was not ok. And she just held out until she met my dad only a few months before they got married. They are still really happy. My mom has always told me it is in my genes for this stuff to happen later. I guess it is true. I am in no rush. Especially because even with all my issues I don't really see the people around me being all that more ready for deep commitments. It is funny 30 seemed so old to me when I was younger, like I would be a grown-up, and now as I approach it I feel about 14 surrounded by 14 year olds. I know a woman who seriously after being widowed met the love of her life and married at 75. They were giddy in love. I think it happens when you are ready. And being in recovery gives you that chance to work on yourself and then I guess when it is supposed to happen it will. That is what everyone says. Fingers crossed. Keep looking inward and then maybe one day love will just show up.

nogard

Hey Trish, I dont wanna be an old maid either, especially as that means I wil have to wear a frock, but hey this gig is about saving our a$$es, our lives all this other stuff that comes up is merely the dialogue of our addiction or at least it is with me.

Patience is needed, it takes time, does not happen instantly anymore, this is life

Mattcake

Chi, your past it only a part -yes, an important one- of who you are today. I think that's it great that you're not ashamed of it; yeah, maybe some people would be judgamental... I wish I had the courage to fully accept who I am and where I came from, like you do. Someone will deserve your good, kind heart. Maybe they are out looking for you right now

coffeenut

Chi...many folks are stuck in loveless relationships, rather than be single. I think the fact that you are single and celebrate (yes, you do....I can hear it when you speak proudly of how independent you are) it speaks volumes for who you are.

The rest will, as they say, fall into place. Not much help, I know.

fwiw....I have kids not too much younger than you, and they think the same thing.