stone

Kellye is right, Lov. Right now you are scared, in denial, lying to your husband and yourself....in the full grip of alcoholism, basically.

Time to wake up.

lovinmenow

I know you guys all think I should tell my husband but I cannot. I don't want to lose him. I love him so much and I just don't want him to be dissapointed in me again. So.. I did the only thing I can think of..I just ordered Antabuse from a Canadian online pharmacy. I hope it will all work out since I cannot get any of the docs I called to return my calls for help.

lovinmenow

Oh yea and I was throwing up all night. My stomach feels aweful right now.

least

I hope to God you don't take it until ALL the alcohol is out of your system or you will REALLY be sick. I would suggest some program of recovery, and pronto. Antabuse will only keep you from drinking, it will not address the reasons you drank in the first place. Counseling or outpatient recovery therapy could benefit you a lot. I hope you get the help you need, and soon.

stone

Make sure every bit of alcohol is out of your system before you take or it will make you very sick, I believe. If you eat out, be sure the food contains no trace of alcohol too.

I honestly hope this works for you and wish you luck, to be honest I still worry about you, antabuse isn't going to cure you or anything and if you really want to drink you can just not take the pill...it is hardly fool-proof. But if you are determined I guess it could help.

You could wait till tomorrow and talk to a Doctor about this, they might be able to prescribe something to help with withdrawals if you need that. Some kind of rehab would be even better.

Kellye C

Since you are determined to do it this way I agree with what the others said. You have to keep alcohol out of your system or get deathly sick. Read label religiously, this includes mouthwash too. Also, get in to see your doctor and get bloodwork done. You said your liver was hurting. God knows what shape it may be in. The good news is that if caught ealy enough the liver heals really well provided that you quit trying to poison it!

Keep us posted and please keep your mind open to the fact that there are other ways to do this WITH the support of your husband.

Good luck,
Kellye

lovinmenow

HI Stone,
Thanks. Last year I ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisening. I was laying on the table shaking and sweating. The nurse looked over at my husband and said "she could die." I rarely see my husband cry and he did that day. I will never forget how hurt he looked. I can't put him through that again. After that I did 5 weeks of outpatient rehab. I have been drinking a lot less this past year than I used to however I still get in a binge once in a while and now it is time to step back and be realistic.

I remember when I got pregnant 21 years ago. I was a pack a day smoker. As soon as I found out I was going to have a baby I NEVER smoked again. Just the smell of cigarettes makes me so ill feeling.

When I went to the doc on Thursday specifically for antibuse she said I needed a psyciatrist for that. I already called 3 and have got gotten any reponse back. I am at my wits end and I really think this time antabuse can help.

I have been on Naltrexone for cravings but that stopped working after a while. Wish me luck.

lovinmenow

Hi Kelly,
I had my bloodwork done three weeks ago and my liver is ok. She said that she doesnt think I drank long enough or hard enough to do any damage. Thank god.

stone

I don't think you are being wise in your approach Lov and I think your Doc isn't very good, cos liver damage doesn't show up until it is almost too late and some people are unlucky and get liver damage in a short period of time...especially women.....BUT I do wish you luck.

I have the feeling you are desperately papering over the cracks when the house is about to fall down though.

Steve58

Hi,

I have researched Antibuse, and found that while it works as a good deturent for some, others still manage to drink on it. And, as others have said, it is NOT a cure, just PART of a program.

Second, on the topic of LFT, my latest research has unearthed some scary news there. Seems the liver could be up to like 85% damaged, and still function well enough to pass these tests. There is a lot of extra capacity there, good for all of us here, but dont let passing grades on LFT's lead you to believe no harm done yet. If it's swollen, you're hurting it.

Good news, other than severe cirrosis, the Liver is, I believe, the only organ that can repair it's self.

For all it's worth, I understand the dynamics between you and hubby. But please do what you gotta do!

Blessings,
Steve

stone

Honestly, if it was me, I would tell my husband what is going on and that you are prepared to do anything to beat it. He either already knows what you are doing or is going to find out anyway.

Then I would look into things to help, proper detox, rehab, AA (even though I left AA it can be helpful to some people and might be worth a try), counselling maybe....and then if you want to add antabuse to all that then fine.

That is what I would do if I was in your situation and was thinking straight, the problem is that it is hard to be in your situation and think straight...by the very nature of what is happening, you won't be.

stone

Thanks for that Steve, I knew I had heard about that but didn't know the figures.

Juneblues

hope alls well!

flutter

Ok.. I wanted to add, after my ER visit and my husband finally finding out how much I drank, I quit for 3 weeks. I convinced him that I could drink "sometimes". I was also terrified to even tell him how desperately I wanted help, because that ER thing was really "it", and I "knew" he'd leave me. I drowned myself for a month or so, and began drinking in the mornings before work. I got busted, my world crashed. My husband DID decide to leave me, and that devastated me. I knew this was my bottom, I didn't find myself important enough to care about the ER episode, but having it brought into my work, and almost destroy my marriage finally opened my eyes. I realized why I wasn't telling him... it was because I wasn't done. At that moment I vowed to do everything in my power to get and stay sober.. he could leave or stay, but that I understood my actions had to prove my committment. A lot of people say that we have to get sober for ourselves, and I believe that is true most of the time. I wasn't important enough to myself though at the time, and had to find external motivation.. slowly that shifted to being for me.

Now, sober for a little over 4 months.. my husband has seen my growth, the solidarity in my sobriety, and my committment to myself..to be sober, and healthy. I was lucky that he stayed, I have no idea why he did (and when I told my counselor that, he said because he never lost hope..). The ONLY reason I hid anything from him was because I wanted to keep drinking.. if I had wanted to truly quit, and was resolved to putting every ounce of my being into that..I would have had no problem telling him. Fate kinda took that out of my hands when I was driven home from work by a coworker because I reeked like alcohol and slurred my words. THAT is the harsh reality of this sh*t.

I hope you are done soon.

Anna

Flutter, you are absolutely right.

I was in the same situation where I tried desperately to hide how much I was drinking and to manage my drinking, because I wasn't fully engaged in 'not drinking'. And, it was for the reason that I didn't care enough about myself. I truly believe that low self-esteem is at the root of addiction for many people. After all, how I could poison myself if I cared at all about myself?

resentful wife

After 21 years of marriage, would your husband leave you if you devoloped a terminal illness?
Because thats what it is, a terminal illness. But unlike others it can be controlled. And the best thing is You control your Treatment, it doesn't have to be terminal.
I'd really like it if you went back and reread your old posts of 11/30/08 and 12/01/08. Whats changed? Did you get and read Under the Influence? Have you read Drinking a Love Story?
Like others have said, Please see your DR. and be careful with the antabuse.

Linda


And to Flutter, your post made me cry, I wish my husband could have seen
the hope in me for him that did not die until he did.

Linda

joedris

Please do not fool around with trying to detox yourself, especially with Antabuse from a Canadian pharmacy. Alcohol detox can be fatal if not done under the supervision of a physician. You need to go to the ER. You need to go into a detox program. I empathize with you not wanting to stress out your husband, but he'll probably be a lot more stressed as a widower.

dedubya

I am gong through the same ****. but I am the husband with a great paycheck and staying home- wife works (wonder why). what the crap.- flipside.... i am just trying to see this as the disease it is - and doing the best I can. You fight this, there are many on here that know how to kick it and I am trying to learn from them would advise staying here and listening.....it has helped me - but still learning.
dub

lovinmenow

Thanks for all your support. I am feeling much better physically right now and I know by tomorrow I will feel just fine. My stomach felt torn up all day. The Antabuse I ordered will not be here for a few weeks so I am going to stay super clean till then. I have done a lot of research on this drug and I feel it may be a great tool. I have also decided to go to an AA meeting tomorrow.

OK another reason I don't tell hubby? He travels every week from mon-thursday and I don't want him worried about me. I only see him 3 days a week. He has a real high stress job and enough on his plate. He works about 70-80 hours a week. This is more about preserving his mental health not as much my own.

Thank you all for such friendship and support. I am going to count tomorrow as day 1 and try and drink a lot of water and take my vitamins.

lovinmenow

Thank goodness my body is finally feeling more normal. I did see the doc the other day. I cried in her office and told her I wanted Antabuse. She said no and to go to rehab or see a shrink. Offered no other help except to go to the ER if I felt I needed it. I wish she would have offered my something to at least calm the shakes but I guess it is hard for docs to trust you enough to do that. She probably thought I would drink AND take a sedative. I feel better now and I am sure I will wake up tomorrow "normalized."