dabears34

I don't know if I ever even want to drink again. Today I set a personal record for consecutive days (19!) without a drop of alcohol. That's the longest I've gone without getting obliterated since... 1994! I keep reading (and of course have knowledge of) how slippery of a slope it is. My current gameplan is to get 90 days alcohol free under my belt, then attempt to involve alcohol back in my life in a normal/social drinking kind of a way (Not the Nic Cage/Leaving Las Vegas style I have been prone to over the last 15 years). I feel like it makes me crazy when I drink, I become this machine whose sole purpose is to ingest as much alcohol as possible without getting fired or arrested. For years, it factored in to every single decision I made, and is what I did when I got excited, or sad, or bored, or breathed. Days I didn't want to drink, I would literally lock myself in my condo and talk to no one... I told my friend "I can't even leave the house. Cause if I even just say "hello" to someone on the street, I'll get wasted tonight." He laughed and said "That may be the sign of a true alcoholic if I ever heard one!" (This friend drinks every single day, and in his morbid worldview, has lofted Ray Milland to personal hero status)

So... when the 90 days are complete, I will attempt to drink again. And if everything in my head rearranges itself back to operating the same way it did when I was an alcohol-seeking-and-consuming machine, I really have no problem giving it up altogether, like forever for good. I could go get wasted right this second, and the sun would still rise tomorrow, I'd still have my job, and no one but me would be the wiser. I'm liking the analogy that alcoholics are "allergic" to alcohol... in the sense that their reaction is to prioritize it over everything else and behave in their own style as an "alcoholic" would. The "allergic reaction" is a bit more complex than, say "Eating carrots makes my throat scratchy!"... but I think it is a worthy analogy nonetheless. Alcoholics simply are allergic to alcohol. They drink, and X reaction occurs. More later...

Fubarcdn

It sounds like you have a good plan and I hope it works for you.
I have tried the same thing in the past and unfortunately I went back to heavy drinking.
There is a site for moderation management not sure what the addy is but you could google it.
If the moderation doesn't work we will be here if you decide that quitting is your best option.
Congratulations on going 19 days and good luck.

least

Same here. I tried to control my drinking for several months but failed. I always ended up drinking too much, getting drunk, and feeling horrible for days. And usually I felt so awful I'd drink just to not feel awful from the withdrawal. If you quit for ninety days and then can successfully moderate/control your drinking, congratulations. But if you're an alcoholic you'll be unable to control your drinking for very long and will be right back in the black hole of alcoholism again. Best of luck to you.

dabears34

My hunch is, and how I feel now, that my experiment wont work and I'll be giving it up for good, which is fine. I know that sounds self-defeating, and I hope to feel different in 90 days, hoping some tectonic shift inside will take place and I can enjoy it in moderation going forward. One day at a time for now, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I haven't been sleeping well at all. I have a general sense of lethargy. I think i was able to let go and relax and fall asleep before, because I knew all I had to do was get through the next day and I could drink again... now that excitement and purpose is gone... I'm hoping I will find something to passionately pursue like that again soon...

Anna

I think that you are finding that recovery involves a lot more than stopping drinking. Like you, I was lost when I stopped drinking, and had to begin to figure out mattered to me.

24hrsAday

dabears: i enjoyed reading your post and i can relate.. one thing i must add.. "if" you are a true alcoholic (sounds like you are) the elevator only goes down when you get back on.. i hope you don't. just something to think about..

dabears34

Thanks for the response, 24hrsAday, as I have been contemplating the same thing. That was something I didn't know, that if you are an alcoholic, and you abstane for a lengthy period, then attempt to drink again, the cravings/behavior will be worse than before... the "progressive" part of the disease. That is why I am questioning even attempting the moderation thing. My plan is to try it in a controlled environment with close friends who are aware of my plan and what's going on. My hope is to stay as aware as possible, and if it escalates quickly, notice, and take appropriate steps. I think I'm gonna try the moderation experiment, either way, the findings will be very useful

CarolD

Hmm...
Why is it so important to you to return to drinking?
That's the question I suggest you look at.

Best of luck whatever you decide ...

RohnertWestfiel

I had a similar outlook in the past. I didn't drink for 5 years then thought I can handle it (also last time when I quit I didn't think I was an alcoholic) well after a trip rescently to the ER to get my stomach pumped after not drinking for 2 months then drinking LOTS of wine I realized I'm an alcoholic. I hope your story ends differently then mine does but just know if it doesn't you are not alone! All the best and let us know how it works for ya!!

electrickery

All the best to you in your experiment. I hope it works for you I really do. I have been trying that for the past few months and was fine for two months but the last 10 days I got really drunk three time.... and progressively more drunk each time.... and my cravings started kicking in again. So with two days under my belt and a lot of determination I am embarking on abstinence. Keep us posted on how you go

penny74

l tried that.
Worked for 8 or 9 months.
But then for no reason l was chasing alcohol 24/7 again.
l feel good now sober, but l admit l miss having an occasional drink now and then and l will allways miss that, because that was the time of day that life looked a little bit better.
Hope it works out for you.
l really do.


No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head. ~Terry Josephson