Don't want to be seen as party pooper...
 

I posted a while back about being ready to stop drinking, but it hasn't exactly happened yet.
I know I have issues with drinking, especially with anxiety/depression, but I haven't wanted to out myself with my family and friends.
Everybody I know drinks socially, you're odd or boring if you don't.
This is very hard for me to overcome.
I'm still on the fence. I feel that if I tell everyone that I'm not drinking anymore, I've crossed some line and can't go back.
All of a sudden I'll be in the non-drinking camp.
I'm sure this must be an issue for a lot of people, basically it's like peer pressure but for adults.
I know this is also an excuse to keep indulging in my addiction.
The addict is saying:"Well, it's not like you ever hurt anyone but yourself. No one minds if you still drink, they probably prefer it if you do. Don't be a pain in the butt..."
Just wanted to get this off my chest.
Thanks for listening.

I am staying sober for my own health and well being, I don't care what anyone thinks of me for it. Those same people who might call you, or think of you as, a party pooper, will they be at your hospital bedside to keep you company as you're dying from liver failure? I'll bet not.

If you really want to stop drinking for your own good, then stop drinking for your own good. Who cares what anyone else thinks or says? True friends will encourage you in getting healthier, drinking buddies will not. I'll stick with my true friends, how about you?

A good program of recovery should help you deal with that... I have many of the same feelings you do about this... but I'm getting better, still a ways to go.

You don't have to tell anyone you are not drinking anymore, just not today!!

Also, early on, best to avoid situations where you would feel like a party pooper.

Welcome (Back) to SR !!!!

Mark

If you really want to stop drinking for your own good, then stop drinking for your own good. Who cares what anyone else thinks or says? True friends will encourage you in getting healthier, drinking buddies will not. I'll stick with my true friends, how about you?[/QUOTE]

I know in my heart you're right.
My head is having a hard time agreeing.
I'm just scared is all.
Scared to stop, scared not to stop.
Do I just stop for a while, or forever?
I know no one can answer these questions for me.
I'm just not sure how hard I need to fight for this or maybe I shouldn't be making a big deal about anything.
I'm not even sure what my point is.
Sorry, just trying to sort it out.

I understand very well. It took me months after I admitted alcohol was a problem to actually stop and stay sober. I wish you the best. If you do decide to stop drinking it's got to be for YOU. No one else's opinion or behavior or attitude means sh!t. Do it for YOU. (((hugs)))

Hi,

Being confused about stopping is what many of us experience.

I struggled for a year, determined to moderate and control my drinking, I was absolutely determined. Of course, I failed over and over again and ended up in a worse position. When I stopped, I knew I was stopping to save myself - physically, mentally & spiritually, I was a mess.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse unless you stop.

Hi there!
I do understand your fear and reservations. I felt that too, until I was done. Once I hit bottom, I stopped caring what people thought, I just wanted my life back.
I chuckled a little at this Are you sure about that? Is that truly how EVERYONE feels? That you are odd or boring if you don't drink? If so, that is a little sad for your social circle. But I suspect that is how you feel and your fears. I thought EVERYONE would notice when I quit drinking and I built up the excuses I would have to come up with, etc. Funny thing, very few people noticed or care. And when I am offered a drink and I request a soda, no one questions it! Wow, I must be the only alcoholic since I seem to be the only one obsessed about it. ;)

I have been having similar thoughts/feelings myself. Everyone I know "parties", generally to excess. I know how it feels when you are partying and there is someone around not drinking, it can definitely become at least slightly adversarial, between drinkers and non-drinkers. I don't want to go out, and have any of my friends think they have to alter/change there drinking just because I am there and I am not drinking. That is the last thing I want. I was invited by friends tonight the watch a hockey game at a bar, I initially said yes, but am on the fence about going. I don't want to be some sober party pooper, and also, I'm only 17 days sober, and this would be the first time being in a bar since I quit drinking, so I would probably be anxious most of the time, leave early anyway, and not have a good time. I've worked too hard so far to cave at this point... so, basically, I think I am going to pass on tonights activities. Not quite sure I'm ready to spend a few hours in a bar quite yet!

I guess I'm in the minority here. I couldn't care less what other people think about my drinking or my abstaining. I mean, if they're such busy-bodies that they have an opinion about what you put in your mouth, I wonder about why they deserve much of a role in your life.

I would try to get this thought really straight: Your drinking is damaging to you. If you doubt your ability to withstand peer pressure regarding something that is so fundamentally bad for you, you have a lot of work to do surrounding the issue of why you care about other people's (possible) judgements more than you care about your own well-being.

When I read your post, my biggest thought was, "Boy, your General sure is doing a number on you!!" Do you know what the General is? The General is the alcoholic voice in your head that likes to manipulate your thoughts and try to get you to drink.

You have all these excuses about why you can't just come right out and say that you don't drink. That's the General holding back the right to get drunk. If you don't say you don't drink, then YOU CAN DRINK!

You have a worry in your head about what other people will say if you don't drink. That's the General making sure all of your insecurites are front and center so that you can't take that next step and clarify to yourself that there is something you need to do for yourself now and other people's opinions are crap.

You have this voice in your head saying that if you don't drink, you're a party pooper. That's the General looking for as many things as he can find to make drinking more appealing and sobriety less appealing. He's using your insecurities against you.

You don't want to "out" yourself with your family and friends. That's the General manipulating your thoughts so that something that is clearly GOOD for you is currently being seen as something that is BAD for you. Your family loves you. They want good things for you. They want you to be happy and to live a long and happy life. Telling them that you're doing something so good for yourself should make them HAPPY.

There's a part of yourself that is saying that you are being a pain in the butt by talking about quitting or by quitting. Like you are calling attention to yourself in a negative way. That's the General waving his liver-spotted hands in front of your face, trying to distract you from the truth. Because if you take a firm and healthy step forward toward sobriety, the General gets weaker and weaker and weaker. Doing something that is good for you (think exercise, eating well, learning to love yourself, quitting drinking) cannot ever, ever, ever, in any way, be a negative attempt to gain self pity or attention. Thinking of it like that is exactly what the General wants you to think. Because then you will keep drinking and feeding the General.

You think you might be a party pooper if you stop drinking? That's the General. He has a vested interest in convincing you that the party is in the alcohol. But you know what? The real party - the true party - is in a life well-lived. A life filled with vigor and blessings and wonder and the amazing friendships we sometimes have the luck to discover. The real party is in being alert and focused enough to enjoy a sunrise, the smile of a silly and beautiful child, the taste of good chocolate, love, and a wonderful book that reminds you of how much you have to be thankful for. I didn't have any of those things when I was drinking. And now I do!! That's where the party is.

To save my life, and get and stay sober, I had to change my friends and my hangouts, because it was only about drinking. The real friends I have, congratulate my success and don't try to sabotage it. I don't have a reason to hang out at bars anymore, I don't drink. To me, a real party pooper is the sloppy drunk that shoulda done what you're trying to do, ages ago!

I've definitely thought the same things. I've come to believe that maybe that is just yet another lie I/my addicted voice tells myself to try to keep drinking. The truth of the matter is, I surrounded myself with people and situations that involved drinking. I basked in the holidays because everyone around me was drinking a lot and it was ok! Even at lunch! I think I sought out drinking situations. I certainly went out a lot more when I drank, and I am not a social person by nature.

Over time I have begun to see that not everyone drinks, and the people that have a problem with non-drinkers are usually people that have a problem with their own drinking, period. It shines a light on their drinking and its uncomfortable. That's my theory anyway. And since I am a people-pleaser, I didn't want others to be uncomfortable. But then I guess you have to ask yourself, do you want to risk your health and happiness just to make others feel comfortable?

I still struggle with this one. I can tell by your posts you know what the right answer is. It's just getting there and doing it, isn't it? That's the hard part.

Keep trying.

Janye

Nice post mle

Mark

Thank you all for your helpful and thoughtful posts.
I like the one about the addict voice in my head called the General.
Yes, I am aware that's who's causing these thoughts, but I've also been on the other side too.
We hang with our neighbors a lot and they all drink but one, who's in AA. He's been sober for years and years. We didn't know him when he wasn't.
Anyway, I've heard comments made about him behind his back from said neighbors, like "why doesn't he just have a drink already" and stuff like that.
He does seem to stick out from everyone else. It shouldn't make a diff, but apparently it does.
My family are the worst enablers, they all drink. We're Polish.
It bothers them if someone at the party who usually drinks, isn't.
That's not a big deal, just annoying.
My husband drinks and all his friends are big drinkers.
My husband would be alright with me not drinking, but that'd be another thing we don't have in common.
My girlfriends would be supportive of me not drinking, as long as it doesn't interfere with their drinking and good time.
There just seems to be a big line between drinkers and non-drinkers, like there's a big line between smokers and non-smokers.
Too bad it can't be like the diff between coffee drinkers and non-coffee drinkers, that doesn't seem to matter too much.
Thanks again.

My brother is in AA, also... has been for 24 years. I go on two big trips with him a year... whitewater canoeing and skiing. There are always drinkers on these trips, he really doesn't stand out at all... He is my younger brother, but I am new to recovery... he is my role model.

It is never an issue with him on these trips. Don't let the General make it one for you!!

Mark

For the first few months I just said "I'm not drinking today." After the first three months if someone would ask if I wanted a drink I just said, "no thank you." I never really had to say I was an alcoholic (alothough I'm sure many knew already), my friends/family just stopped asking. I made a bigger deal of it in my mind than anyone else ever did.

Today if I am in a new situation I just say "no thank you" and if I am pressed I will say that I have a medical condition that prevents me from drinking. Some of my AA friends just say they are allergic. In my situation, I do have a medical condition that reacts badly to my drinking 1. I had gastric bypass and I don't handle alcohol well at all. 2. My other medical condition, is that I'm an alcoholic and I truely am allergic to alcohol. I turn into a person I don't want to be. I'm being honest. Not drinking is saving my life.

I just started out, "one day at a time" though.

When you are ready, you can do that too.

Come on over, this is the camp where real life lives. :c033:

Drinking stopped me from growing. It becomes a sad waste of life for some of us.

I used to smoke too.. I don't hang out with smokers anymore, seems that's the only thing WE had in common too! lol..

I would imagine your husband (if he doesn't have an issue w/ drinking) could stop or tone it down a bit so there's not such a disparity at home, and your friends... well if they're truly friends outside of drinking, you'll find it's really cool to get to know them doing non-drinking things, I have found that in the few girlfriends that I kept around (and that kept me around).

I will never be embarrassed being known for my not drinking.. or my not smoking.. ew!

Welcome Barefootblues: I sure hear you when it comes to family and enablers.
I met my sponsor this morning and I had never really thought about how much I am enabling my three alcoholic brothers by providing them with money. So she said, well, maybe you are enabling and it is not uncommon for alcoholics to be enablers and I told her well I know I am still sitting here but I think I just fell off the chair. And am lying on the floor, mentally.

I am terrified that my brothers will withdraw their love if I stop giving them money. How pathetic is that? Well, it is not so pathetic because it is what we alkies do and that is how I learned to be loved: by saying yes and never knowing how to say no.

Now I am trying to learn how to be loved in another way.

Welcome sweetie and please keep coming back!

I am so glad I stopped being a drunk
and I am proud to be an AA recovered alcoholic.
:yup:
Many times I was embarrassed /depressed by my drinking..
I've never been ashamed to be sober....:no:

Quitting drinking means a change of life. It's like a divorce in the sense that some of your old friends will disappear, and you will make new ones. I also have an issue with going out to restaurants. What do you drink if not alcohol. Water is boring, and I do not like sweet sodas. That is funnily enough quite a challenge. I am drinking lots of tea, for example.