Don't want to be seen as party pooper...

Old 04-21-2009, 12:15 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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While I don't have the "peer pressure" issue you have, I do have something (we can all) laugh about, as far as seeing how wacky and F***ed up our addict minds can be when we're trying to justify our using...
MY addiction used to tell me "You want to help your dealer go to school don't you?". Meaning that while I was in active addiction, buying from him, the money was going toward his books, bus fair, and the computer he bought. My addiction told me I was helping him get through school so he doesn't have to be a dealer anymore.
How messed up is that???
I am glad you came here to SR! This is a wonderful place full of good recovery, information, and support. I am nearly 90 days clean from crack cocaine. I faced a couple really HUGE pitfalls today. One of my own doing, but well, everything turned out fine and I am grateful I didn't use. I don't have to use NO MATTER WHAT.
And that is truly a good feeling.
You can make some really great friends in recovery. And none of them will think any less of you because you quit drinking.
It's like with losing weight. NO ONE wants to be a loser, but we all can't wait to lose weight. Weird, huh?
Well, no one wants to be a quitter, but quitting the use of drugs IN ANY FORM, should be something we can't wait to do.
I know it's a weird comparison but think of it like this. Being morbidly overweight can kill you. So can addiction. These should be two things we should strive to lose.
Though I will point out, in case anyone is reading and gets offended or worried, in weight loss, no one should lose too much or make yourself ill trying to lose weight...
Like I did with crack cocaine. Ugh. I always say I am happy about the way I look today, 130 lbs. thinner, but am ashamed of how I did it (lost it in 9 months while smoking crack). I would have gotten a lot thinner if I kept going, and probably died. YUCK.
Anyway, good luck finding your way. Remember, recovery is a journey, not a destination, and do it for yourself. To hell with everyone else. This is a time for you to focus on you and let your true friends reveal themselves.
Like mine did, again, today! I love my best guy friend and his girlfriend. I could just shed hundreds of happy tears over their caring and love!
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Old 04-21-2009, 03:44 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Everybody I know drinks socially, you're odd or boring if you don't.
You know it was not until I quit drinking that I suddenly noticed that some folks do not drink at all, or they have ONE drink. I was NEVER a social drinker and the people I always hung with were not either.

I'm still on the fence. I feel that if I tell everyone that I'm not drinking anymore, I've crossed some line and can't go back.
I never told everyone I quit drinking, just the folks who ask if I want a drink, usually I just say "No thanks, but I will have a coke." I was amazed that there were rarely any questions asked, they just handed me a coke. Funny thing, but in reality very few people could really care less if you are drinking or not.

All of a sudden I'll be in the non-drinking camp.
Yes the camp where intelligent discussions happen and where sometimes the topic of how stupid the drunks are acting tonight or how boring they are because they tell the same stories OVER & OVER again and laugh at the same joke OVER & OVER again. These are also the same people who actually do things they talk about doing, instead of like I used to do and always talk about how one of these days I am going to do something and never do do it because I am to busy drinking.

I'm sure this must be an issue for a lot of people, basically it's like peer pressure but for adults.
It was for me, once I quit I found out that the only pressure to keep drinking was in my own head.

No one minds if you still drink, they probably prefer it if you do.
In reality those who care about you will be glad you are not drinking! I found out just how obnoxious and boring my drinking buddies were once I was looking at them through sober eyes. Yes the whole world looks very different sober, I have found drunks to be loud, obnoxious, & boring, I remember thinking just how cool I was when I was drinking, now I see just how stupid I looked stumbling around slurring my speach and embarassing my family.

Barefoot I am not saying what I am saying to be mean, I am just sharing with you what I found out once I got sober, yes I thought the same way you do right now, my biggest fear of getting sober was being sober!!! What do sober people do? I had no idea. What I have found is they do anything they want to, they do what they do a lot better then a drunk does, they have real conversations about real things that matter...... and they watch the drunks, trust me it is not with admiration, pity and disgust would be the best desciptor.

You know when I think about it I have never heard a sober or drunk person say "Look at him, he is so sober he must be embarassed of the way he is acting!" I have heard drunk and sober people say "Look at him, what an idiot!!! He is so drunk he can't even walk!".
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:22 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Why would you care what other people think ?
Do you know what they do behind closed curtains ?
And do you care ?

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take."
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:01 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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You guys are awesome! Every post has given me great encouragement and insight! Thank you so much.
So, I think what I'll say when offered is simply "no thanks", then if pressured I may either say I'm on a diet or seem to be developing an allergy to alcohol.
I'll leave it at that for now.
After reading all of your posts, I've thought of another problem that keeps me drinking.
I don't want to be around these people, esp. husband's friends, or go to certain events without drinking.
I get very bored and aggitated being in these circumstances sober.
It's like I have to dumb myself down.
Or maybe I have ADD, or maybe it's my anxiety or depression.
But, yea there's people that I don't want to be around sober.
It would be easy to say, just stay away from these people/outings, but my husband already thinks I don't "do" anything or want to go out as it is.
Our "going out" always involves drinking at some level, going out to dinner, to a party, to some event, always drinking.
An example is going on the boat. We have this small motorboat we use in the summer. All we do is go a little ways and anchor and hangout and swim.
For me, it's so boring that the only thing I could do to enjoy myself was start drinking beers. If I wasn't buzzed there was no way I could just sit there for hours. It's not like I could read, I'd get sea sick.
Just saying.
I do have an appt w/psych dr next week. Maybe he'll be helpful.
Thanks to all!
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:16 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Your sobriety should not be conditional on what your husband does or doesn't want to do or hang around with...

You don't want to be around certain people without drinking... don't be around them...

You don't want to sit in a boat for three hours and watch your husband drink.... don't

Do what you need and want to do... your sobriety comes first!

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Old 04-21-2009, 08:24 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Personally I've been straddeling that fence since I joined here. I have had different amounts of clean time, 10 months, over a year and over 2 years but just can't seem to keep in all in line

I just get a attitude usually, and since I've been smokin pot. So I wonder exactly sometimes how really important it is (in my head) and in my heart I KNOW what I should do, but the only thing that keeps me from moving forward is my own SELFISH WILL
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:27 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Its good you are working this out. I listen to everyone who has been there. I am almost 9 months sober and it is getting better. I can totally relate to the way you are feeling. I just had to change the things I did. My husband still drinks alcohollically but usually I am not around. Everyone has a medical condition if they can't stop at 1 or 2. They are just putting poison into their bodies and will pay someday. I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and one of the first things you learn is even moderate drinking (1 for women) can cause/bring back the cancer. Who wants one drink? So I am at why bother at all.

One of the best sayings for telling people you don' t want one is to say "No thanks I had enough" which is funny if you think about it.

Good luck and keep posting alot of good advice here.
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Old 04-21-2009, 08:29 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BarefootBlues View Post
Everybody I know drinks socially, you're odd or boring if you don't.
You know I use to think like that. But the older I get the more I figure out that people don't really give a dam if you drink or not. It only seems to be important to high school party heads and dumb a!s frat boy and I could care less what they think of me. And if your friends are gonna make a big deal out of it then you might need to think if they are really your friends or just drinking buddies.
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Old 04-21-2009, 09:52 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I was just thinking about the old "drinking and using buddies" a few days ago. I got a friend notification/request thing on my Facebook account from someone I used to consider one of my closest friends for many years. That was before I got clean and sober.

Most of my family, friends, co workers, anyone who knew me knew that I had a serious problem with drugs and alcohol so when I got clean and sober, almost everyone was very happy. They saw what my addiction cost me and put me through as well as many of them as well. I never could see how my "partying" hurt others. . . but now I do.

This friend of mine was one of the people who didn't think I needed to stop, just put a limit on how much I drank and used. She didn't understand that I couldn't just have a few like she did. Of course she didn't believe I was going to completely stop FOREVER when I went into detox yet again. As time went on and I had two weeks, a month, two months . . . I realized that we had absolutely nothing in common except "partying." There was nothing left to talk about, our entire friendship was based on the bar, the people at the bar, who got a DUI, who had their husband/boyfriend arrested for domestic violence. . . This helped me to really see what kind of a life I was living.

But at the same time, I had begun to make some true friendships with people in Recovery that I had met in IOP and Meetings. These were the people who I had a great deal in common with. No, we didn't sit around and talk about not drinking or using. We talked about everyday things that I didn't have in my life when I was using. We talked about our kids, movies we had seen, we went mall walking, sitting on a picnic table in the park watching kids play and loving their laughter . . . These are the things that began to matter to me. Reality.

I can understand you wanting people to like you. When I first got clean and sober, I was such a people pleaser. I wanted everyone to like me, everyone. I know now that this was because I didn't like myself, I had no self worth. My self worth was found in others and it didn't matter what kind of person they were, just as long as they liked me.

I hope you continue to work through this and find that it's ok to not drink today. Don't worry about tomorrow, this weekend or next month. Just for Today.

God Bless,
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Old 04-21-2009, 10:10 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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When I was drinking I always envied the people that didn't need to drink and the people that could have just 1 and now I'm 1 of the people that I envied and I love being the 1 that doesn't need to drink! I no longer associate with the heavy drinkers because I knew even when I was drinking that I couldn't stand to be around those people if I was sober it was tough enough being around them drunk.

I really do believe that the only reason drinkers "don't like" non-drinkers is because they are jealous and they know that the sober people will see what idiots they are.

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Old 04-21-2009, 10:25 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I can't look at things in a way that is overwhelming such as "i will NEVER drink again" I look at it like this - For today, I will not drink. That seems to work.
One day at a time.

Welcome to SR. This site is amazing!
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Old 04-21-2009, 01:02 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Hey Barefoot,

I'm in college (I go to a HUGE drinking school) and although alcohol isn't my 'drug of choice' I now know better than to think I'm one of those people who can just chill out with people who are getting wasted around me, I'll just want to get high.

It's difficult and I often feel extremely lame, but I also know I can party way harder than everyone else SOBER, and still feel great (and not ashamed or have to ask the question "what did I do last night?!?)

One AA cliche that's kind of true is "if you stay at the barber shop long enough, you're bound to get your hair cut." So, if you're around all these drinkers long enough, you're bound to get tricked into drinking - it's that addict/alcoholic mind, it's inevitable!

My suggestion: take some time away from the usual crowd, as we are told to change our people/places/things. Avoid situations in which people will definitely be drinking. And, if for some reason you cannot avoid it (a work party, family gathering, etc..) call a fellow alcoholic/addict before you go just to discuss your intentions of going (are you going to bond with people or bond with booze, hm?) and leave early. I noticed when, after a few months clean, I'd go to places where there'd be partying and if I left after an hour (which is usually how long it takes for a majority of the people to be wasted) a. no one would even notice I was gone and b. I'd still have had my fun.

Stay safe!

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Old 04-21-2009, 03:08 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I know the question "What will you tell people?" You are on some drugs (again)? You suddenly became allergic to alcohol? You are driving on a Friday night?

That is the first thing to coop with IMO: Your reason for not drinking and being honest about it. I think had my first non-alcoholic kick was when I was able to say simply "no thanks, I do not want any alcoholic drink".

What I am trying to get at is this: being mentally prepared. This is a big change, and everyone going through this must find their own way of handling it. It is a rough ride. But I also want to say that having spent so much time drunk, being sober is like heaven, like smelling spring air, hearing birds sing - in short an exceptional re-experience of life.

Last edited by larssonc; 04-21-2009 at 03:25 PM.
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