confusediniowa

Once again I am making up excuses in my head to try and explain away his actions... Just another day that he walked up to my work and took my truck with out telling me so I had to find a ride home. I am really getting to my wits end about all this crap. How many times does he have to do this or to use food money to go and buy meth and disappear for 24-48 hours? When is enough going to be enough? I can truly understand why domestic abuse victems stay with the abusers. I shouldnt say understand, but I can relate. This is a never ending cycle. Things are great until they get ******, then I just say, Oh, I know they they will get better again and then in a couple days after he has come down and mellowed out, they are. Then the whole cycle starts all over again. Why can I not just leave him??? There is more than enough reason to do it.... he has no job so i pay all, no vehicle so he uses mine whenever, that right there should be enough you would think, but ahhh....
I guess the reason I keep him around is because I know or at least i think i know that there is a "real" good guy DEEP DEEP down inside and behind all the crap and I am just hoping that one day he can give up the drugs. I am not a user, but I date one. I just dont know what to do. He refuses to talk about the problem so its like i am at a brick wall.
Anybody relate to this? I will gladly take any advice or give further details if needed. Thanks all!

least

Taking YOUR truck without ASKING and spending food money on meth are pretty serious things to me. Perhaps it's time to set some boundaries with him, what you will and will not tolerate. Perhaps he should get a job to help with expenses, and not meth expenses.

I understand the cycle that domestic violence victims can get stuck in cause I was stuck in it for several years. When I finally woke up to my own good sense I threw him out and that was the end of it. Before I got to that point I thought, like so many victims, that if I just loved him more things would get better. I finally came to understand it wasn't about me, it was about him and his actions.

Perhaps it's time to draw some lines in the relationship. He's not going to change his behavior until he wants to, and why should he? He's got the use of your truck and your money. You don't have to live like this.

:ghug3

Aysha

I would never quit using with someone like you to take care of me and let me do whatever I want.
Thats an addicts dream right there.
Why would I stop when all my needs are taken care of...I can do whatever I want ..whenever I want and not take resposibility for anything. I can sponge off you and know I have a place to lay my head when I am ready to come down. I am going to be hungry after all that hard running and not eating for days. I just know you wont let me go hungry.
I will keep giving just little glimmers of hope..Just long enough to keep you chained to me.
I do it all because "I CAN!"

I am an addict that had an enabler just like you. It was the most damaging type of love for an addict like me.
I wish my gram would have let me fall on my ass years ago. May have woke me up long before I got to where I am now.
I am not blaming my addiction on her enabling. But it doesnt help.
You are just helping him be a better addict. And disregarding your own needs while doin it.
You come first! You need to take care of you and let him find out what its like to have to take responsibility for hiumself and his choices.
He will only try to stop when he wants to and is ready. But when us addicts have someone like you to help keep us going in sickness and in health. We will use you up till theres isnt anymore.
There is a friends and family forum..I think you would find alot of advice and support there.
I hope you can find the strength to let go and take care of yourself.
Heres the link to friends and family...

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And to answer your question...Neither one of you will learn until things change and someone takes charge of this situation. And I am pretty sure it wont be the addict.

jsml1234

Wow... great post chiynita, thanks.

Anna

Yes, I agree, it's all about finding your boundaries and sticking to them.

Missymae737

Hi Confused,

Your title, When will I learn?

When you have had enough pain, you will make a change for the better in your life...


You know you deserve to be happy..

Thinking of you...

resentful wife

He refuses to talk about it because that would be admitting that he has a problem . He doesn't have a job because he knows that most employers want a drug test. The deep down good guy you know is there will surface for you every time he starts to feel you pulling away and putting the truth and the BS in separate piles.
IMO it's time to ask yourself why it's OK to be unhappy, and how long are you willing to be in that state.
Welcome to SR,:ghug3 you've found a wonderful place to answer just about all your questions.

Linda

flutter

I bet if you called the cops for a stolen vehicle he at least wouldn't do THAT part again. He's not even close, it seems, to stopping.. how long do you want to enable this? Trish (Chiy), awesome post.. I agree 100%.

Freedom1990

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. I met hubby #2 (alcoholic/meth addict) when he had just gotten out of the penitentiary doing time for armed robbery and a rash of other charges. That was his second time in the pen.

I stuck with him for five long horrible violent years.

It never got better, only worse, but I still clung to that believe if I loved him enough, was kind enough, was understanding enough, yada yada yada, that he would be that good guy I just knew he was.

That kind of magical thinking has had tragic consequences for many codependents, and I almost died believing that one.

I'm incredibly blessed to be alive today, in recovery and with a full life.

That EXAH was buried 3 years ago, complications due to AIDS he contracted while sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab.

I missed getting that little gift by about 2 weeks.

Thank God my own addictions almost killed me, I ended up in rehab, and never went back home to him.

God did for me what I could not do for myself.

grateful2b

Confused, Welcome to SR
I am sorry for your pain..
Nothing to add to all of the great words here except to mention that Naranon is a group for Families of Addicts, and you can find a lot of support and understanding there for what you are going through relating to his addictions.
And as Trish pointed we have a great forum for Families of Addicts here...
...we understand