pinkgurl87

I'm at two weeks now. Well a little over two weeks. Though now I'm starting to second guess myself and be like I wanta use, I haven't but after a conversation with addictions cousellor it just made me want to use. She told me I wasn't that bad, and in my head it was like I want to prove I am bad. She thinks it's just me being rebellious and stuff. Like I know compared to most people I'm not that bad I haven't been using for very long and sure I've had my problems and pain and abuse and stuff because of drugs but I mean I still have a lot. I seems weird that I want to get worse. It's like I feel like I'm not that bad or don't really need help because others are way worse then me. The weird thing is counselor showed me a picture of a brain on cocaine and brain on marijuana and it was quite scary compared to normal brain but it's like I didn't seem to care it's like in a way I wanta use wanta be sick because that's what I know. I don't know this is all so weird and confusing.

adore79

Hi, that is your addict voice talking. It is self destructive, it wants you to use and get worse and die. It wants to destroy you. In early recovery our addict voice is strong. Resist it and dont use no matter what! We are here for you.

Dean62

Don't compare your use to others. You will always find others that are worse or not as bad. Alcohol and drug use is the outward symptom of inward problems. That is where we are the same. You can continue to use for years and the stuff on the inside will remain. Take a look at what is underneath the drug/alohol use for the real problem and the real solution.

penny74

l,m 37 days clean and would like to use as well.
l have all sorts of excuses.
Lost my job.
Crap relationship.
A real lot of hassle.
Am nevous
l can think of a 100 more.
But l am not going to do it.
and l hope you don't either.
It will only make things worse and you need a clear head to get through rough times.
You will only end up hating yourself. or worse.
wish you luck and strength.

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take."

Anna

The disease of addiction definitely messes with our minds.

Your thinking could take you much deeper into addiction, and logically you know that is not what you want to happen.

Recognize the addict voice for what it is and dismiss it.

Dime

The stuff that was going through my mind at 2 weeks was definitely nuts. I had to keep my self really immersed in my program to keep myself from drifting. The good part is that most of the thoughts that I had that I knew didn't make any sense went away by themselves. Talking to other sober people and my Sponsor helped a lot and every time I did it helped.
Hang in there, you are worth it!!

Impurrfect

((Pinkgurl))

I wasn't "that bad" when I first started abusing drugs, either. I don't think I wanted to get that bad, I just didn't think I WOULD.

Years later, I can tell you I DID get that bad, and I wish I had stopped before I did. Not everyone goes to the depths, with crack, that I did. A friend of mine, here, kept the job, car, etc. but realized she could have a BETTER life without crack and chose recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

I agree..Never compare yourself to others. Everyone has their own personal hell and bottoms.
And please know that if your not that bad. Take that as a blessing.
You never want to go as far as addiction can take you.
Please understand that you do not need to hit bottom and lose it all and your self respect before you either die or want to stop.
The places addiction has taken me in 15 years is a nightmare.
I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
Take it as a warning and get out while you can.
It only gets harder and worse and closer to not making it back.
If someone would have told me when I first started that I would end up where I did so many times. I would have left it alone ASAP.
Please dont think your not that bad. Just one time is bad enough. And it does get worse. Way worse.
Hang in there and keep trying.

pinkgurl87

thanks guys . Ya I don't really want to get that bad. I'm actually nervous about next week my aunt is going to be away for two weeks and she was away the first week I came home from treatment and that's when I used. The thing is I would sneak out when I had a cigarette go outside hop the bus to get drugs. So when she's hear she smokes too so she goes out with me so harder for me to leave though I probably could escape if I really wanted too. I don't know with the cravings so high right now not sure how I will be able to get through this. I felt like skipping my appointment with my therapist to g get drugs but I didn't.

Believe808

That's good you didn't skip your appt for drugs. Our addiction wants to play with our heads all the time. Do you go to any meetings? NA/AA I use AA and believe me, going there has saved my a** many a times. Good Luck with your sobriety.