Partner sabotage?

Old 04-15-2009, 10:59 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Location: Sweden
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Partner sabotage?

I think my husband is having problems adjusting to the new sober me.
He was extremely relieved and happy when I finally quit and I got a lot of support from him in the beginning: he didn't bring as much liquor into the house (as we usually had when I was drinking) and even cut down on his own drinking A LOT. He agreed not to buy box wine (a killer for me) and only buy what he can drink in one sitting. A couple of years ago I bought a lock for the liquor cabinet. (To try and control my drinking, that didn't work). But anyway, after I quit he was very good about keeping it locked all the time.

Things have changed however.

For one thing, his weekend drinking has increased again. He can drink two bottles of wine at one sitting and then open the liquor cabinet and top that off with whiskey. About 3 weeks ago he started talking about alcohol. One night he was going on quite a bit about how great the Greek wine was that he was drinking and he was trying to recall if it was the same wine we had a few years ago in Greece. He did it again a couple of days later and was talking about whiskey. In both cases he left the open bottle on the dinner table and left the room to sit outside for a long period of time. I had the distinct feeling he was more or less waving the liquor in my face, sort of saying: go ahead.

The last thing he's been doing is baffling: he has opened the liquor cabinet late at night several times in the last month or so, not taken anything out and then gone to bed. Each time this happened I was sitting in my armchair reading.

Each time he has talked about alcohol, left me alone with alcohol and unlocked the cabinet for no apparent reason, he was drinking quite a bit.

I'm frustrated because it's already hard enough for me to have to deal with alcohol in my environment three days a week. (He's a weekend drinker).

My therapist told me it's not unusual for partners to do this and he is probably not consciously trying to sabotage my sobriety, but might be doing it unconsciously.

Anyone have experience with your partner like this?
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:05 AM
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Hi Littlefish,

My experience is not like that. My husband never drank and we never keep alcohol in the house and haven't for years, nor do we ever serve it. Life is simple.

I think your husband is probably afraid of the idea of you changing your life. If you have tried to talk to him and that hasn't worked, all I can suggest is try to find some 'alone space' in your home.
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:19 AM
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I know my wife misses her drinkin' buddy - me. She doesn't sabotage me though... but the circumstances surrounding my workplace intervention happened before I'd really hit bottom at home, in her eyes... so it's tough. She knew I was alcoholic though.

While not the same exact issue, I've been thinking about her and this recovery business. Of course she wished it would all go away... but it's not. I wish she could be more supportive, sometimes, but that's not her job, nor should it be. She doesn't leave liquor around and only has one at night before bed.

Talk to your man... tell him to quite that shiite.

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Old 04-15-2009, 11:28 AM
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Hi Littlefish,

I think what Anna said about your husband afraid of change is your case...

I know the frustration you must feel.

I just went through a simular situation like yours but with one added problem..In the beginning he was very supportive...As we became more serious, we moved in together...After six months of sobriety he changed...It is all to common! I was going to meetings to hunt for men..Yeah, Right! As far as SR goes, he accused me of chatting with men on line, that people here are all fake, and I need the attention..OK...

Well, it all ended one week ago...I now can have more support groups with freedom...

As Anna said try talking to him...

With the temptations ahead of you, stay close to your support groups..
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Old 04-15-2009, 11:32 AM
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My situation was a bit different, before my husband and I reached out for any help, he would buy the kind of alcohol that he knew I liked Because if I had a drink or two I was much less likely to say anything about him drinking.

I agree that your husband is probably afraid that you are changing so much. And maybe he's feeling a little guilty about his own drinking and knows (consciously or not) that if you drank too, the focus wouldn't be on his problem. I can't say for sure because I don't know you guys personally.

I'm still very new to recovery myself and learning about addiction for the first time in my life. So I really don't have any advice on this, but I really hope the best for you both and I'm sure you will get great feedback in these posts.
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Old 04-15-2009, 12:14 PM
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My husband drinks about 1/10th of what he used to now that I don't. There's no liquor in the house, he knows that would bug me. He never ever drinks around me. He wants to do as much as possible to help me stay sober, and he has no issues with alcohol himself, so not having alcohol in the house is a no brainer, it's not more important than my comfort, and he doesn't really think of drinking it often enough to constantly have it there.

I dont think I could stay sober without the changes we've made in our house, and our lives in general.

Would he be open to making your house an alcohol free zone, a safe place, for your comfort? Is it that important for him to have it around?

Sorry this is tough for you, i have no idea what I'd do
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Old 04-15-2009, 02:58 PM
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You say his drinking has increased. I know in my life, my sobriety is seen as a threat or a slap in the face to my alcoholic family members. Many of them would like me to start again, because somehow they feel that my sobriety casts an unfavorable light on their drinking.

My SO quit the same day as I did. He refuses to admit he had a problem, even though he was black out drunk every Saturday night for the last 10 years. He quit because he knew I wouldn't stick around long if I were sober and he wasn't. I wont be surprised if he ends up bitter or drinking again, because he only quit for me.

That being said, I am taking care of me. Whatever happens, I will make sure that I am ok, and I hope you will do the same.
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Old 04-15-2009, 03:12 PM
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Oh yes!!!
My husband so feels "judgged" when he sits in the basement & drinks, & I sit up stairs & clean or do things with the kids. He'll meet me at work (I work in a bar) and he'll be sitting there & have 2-3 before I even get off & then even order me one, saying "You had a long day I thought you could use a drink"
I know excatly what you are going through. I know part of it, is they dont want to examine their own drinking habbits/addictions.
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