footprints

Hello my name is Sharon and I am a newcomer to this site. I am an alcoholic drinking (UK) 1 litre of bacardi a day sometimes more. I feel to cope with each day i need a couple of shots in the morning which then esculate throughout the day the more i think about not having a drink, the more i want one. I have been to the docs who has been himself an alcoholic and recommended the aa which i attended a couple of times and got a great release that i was not alone. I knew though that i wasnt alone because my husband is also an alcoholic. The alcohol led to abuse between both of us and i have three children 14 year old twin girls and a 4 year old son. My girls have gone to live with their nana whilst my husband and i seek help with our addiction, yet the more i try and stay off the alcohol i feel anxiety as to what i have put my daughters and son through which makes me want to drink more to mask my inabilites(i do apologise if i am rambling). I want so much to get my life and that of my family back on track but i dont know how to do it. I fear as to what my life would be sober, how do or will i attack the anxiety for another drink to make me feel better. I cry at night because im so unhappy with what i have done with myself and what i have done to my family. I chose the name footprints because it is the name of my favourite poem, because deep down inside i hope that he will carry me through this time and bring me out on the other side. Thank you all who will read this and i hope that you will welcome me and take me under your wings.

stone

Hi Sharon, I am in the UK too. I understand about when you try to quit all the emotions and anxiety come and it makes it hard, but as you know, drinking just means we keeping digging the hole deeper and deeper.

A litre of spirits a day is a lot, you are going to need medical help to detox safely from that amount. Have you considered detox and/or rehab?

Welcome to the forum!

adore79

Hi footprints, welcome to SR You will find lots of support and info here, I do hope you stick around and read and post.

CarolD

Welcome.....glad you are here with us

Fubarcdn

Welcome to SR footprints.

There is plenty of support for you here.
Feeling guilty and drinking is not going to make anything better for you or your children. It is time for you to get better and give them the life that they deserve.
Good luck.

anonchick

Welcome footprints. I am Monica and I joined last week. I totally understand your feelings--I feel so guilty for what i've done. I'm here for you as everyone else is!

footprints

Thanks for your responses and so soon. I must add that i dont drink that much on my own it is consumed with my husband, but i am guilty of drinking a least half the amount. I believe that i can do it but can anyone share how they replace the urge. I was told in aa that i would eat more chocolate but ive never been a fan however i resorted to drinking lucosade which put my sugars through the roof and i felt more out of it on lucosade than on alchohol. I want to stress that im not seeking medical help just solutions that you guys have tested and that you find have worked for you that could possibly give me a guide. I know that everything works differently for each individual but the more things i can try can only better me. I know that i am a good person inside i just need to find her again.

Anna

Hi Sharon and Welcome,

I do understand how you feel. When I stopped drinking, it meant I had to face all the mess I had made with my family and tha was REALLY hard, but there was no way around it. You can do it.

I didn't replace the urge, but I changed my habits. I was someone who drank at home, alone. So, I made sure that I would be out of the house, or doing something different, at the times of the day I would have been drinking. I also started taking long walks every day, which helped me in many ways.

Philly

Hi Footprints

You have come to the right place. I am not sure if this is enough though. I don't know alot about your situation but I will tell you what happened to me.
I was sort of forced into rehab through work. I was an inpatient for 8 days and an out- patient for 2 months. I don't know if I needed it phycially but mentally I had to learn about the disease. I am now almost 9 months sober. This is a great place and it replaces AA for me because I don't go for personal reasons. We need to talk to others in our same situation especially in the early going. Good luck and keep posting. It will not be easy but it does get better.

Hevyn

footprints, it's so wonderful you've found this site and are reaching out for help. Some never see what they're doing to themselves. I hear you, regarding the guilt and remorse thing. For me it was a vicious cycle - I tried to quit, but thinking of what I'd done to my life made me keep wanting to numb myself and shut my mind off. I didn't sleep at all in the beginning. I finally decided I wasn't going to waste what I had left of my life, such a precious gift. Enough time had already been lost, and I wanted to salvage all I could. It took awhile, but I rid myself of those negative thoughts as I became stronger and more determined to stand up and face my disease. I wasn't going to let it steal any more of my life. As Philly said, it gets better - you won't always feel like this, I promise. When your family sees you rising up out of this mess, they will see the real you again. You can make all the bad times just a dim memory.

Maggot4Life

Welcome!

flutter

Welcome, I hope you can do this for you, and of course for your kids. Who cares for the little 4 year old?

footprints

Hi flutter and thank you for your question. My little boy stays with me and his father and on weekends he stays with his nana and grandad. His nana my mother in law believe it or not are very close more so than with my own mother. She understands our situation as we have not hidden anything away from her and other family members. We do have a good support network within our family. When it comes to friends i have very low esteem and find it difficult to mix with outer members of the family so hence i have no friends as such. Maegan and Monique my 14 year old twins (going on 30) are very supportive and thankful that we have now acknowledged that we have an addiction. They come to see me on a regular basis (they're my husbands step children) showering me with love and advise that they are still staying with their nana as they feel safe there. You see the violence that occurred was always around the weekends when my little boy Logan was at his grandparents where as with the girls they spent there weekends at home due to Saturday work commitments so they saw and witnessed things that they should never have had to witness. My husband is attending an anger management course to try and get his life back on track as well as attending the aa meetings with me. Only for the past week we have not attended due to my son having the chicken pox so we have relapsed into our old ways. I am off work at the moment due to coxes problems which was caused through drink and violence and im sure that my boss will question me about it when i go back (polices) so im constantly anxieous. (sorry for rambling but i feel that i can let it all out cause their are no faces). He is not the nicest of bosses so it makes me feel as if i just want to curl up into a ball and disapear, only i cant because i have my children and their futures to think about. I have fallen into this through growing up around booze and i want different for my children. I am sure that many members reading this will have gone through the very same if not similar circumstances as me and can relate to what i have done. I can only change the future that lies ahead of us, which hopefully with dedication and determination will become sunnier.

stone

This is true. The past is gone, all you can do is focus on today and it is by doing the right things today that we give ourselves the chance of a better future.

I am sure you will have heard the phrase "one day at a time", well to me that applies to everything not just not drinking. I try to live "in the day" as much as possible.

least

You can get and stay sober, but it takes a lot of time and effort. Is inpatient rehab a possibility for you and/or your husband? Also a medically supervised detox may be a good idea cause coming off alcohol can be dangerous. Going to AA meetings can be very helpful, as coming here every day can be a great help also.

I would suggest talking honestly with your doctor about your desire to get sober. You CAN do this. Welcome to the family! Glad you found us.

californiapoppy

Welcome,
You will find confort and support on the forum.

Tazman53

Sharon welcome to SR, if you do not mind I would like to take your original post and comment.

I spent the last 5 years of my drinking alone in my garage every day "coping"! With every drink I wanted another as well.

Having a doctor that is also a recovering alcoholic is awesome for an alcoholic seeking recovery, like you doctor I found the solution to my alcoholism in the program and fellowship of AA.

Before AA I would always wind up drinking again when ever I did stop, I became anxious, irratable, and would just feel like my head was spinning with guilt and shame. Once I got into AA, got a sponsor and took the steps with him, the need for the drink was lifted, I learned how to cope and even eleminate the guilt & shame of what I had done to my wife, kids, & freinds.

Do you have a sponsor? If not I suggest you do and get to work on taking the steps. BTW do not make the mistake that many couples do and try sponsoring each other, experience has taught that spouses sponsoring spouses does not work.

I found that for me the best way to get it all back on track was by listening to other recovering alcoholics in AA that had got thier lifes back on track. The best teacher is one that has lived what they are teaching.

Fear of what I would do sober was my greatest fear of sobriety! I think it is for most of us. I was scared I would be a boring blob and life would have no fun or meaning. Wow, was I wrong! I have found that today I can do everything I did while drinking better sober and I remember what I did the next day. Another thing I have found is that being sober I can do all of the things I wanted to do while drinking but could not because I was drinking!

In regards to the anxiety...... I have discovered that once I stayed sober long enough and had taken the steps my anxiety dissappeared, this is not true for everyone, some people have to see a doctor and be treated for anxiety, but every one I know has said their anxiety got at least better without drinking. It does take time though and time takes time.

You are not alone there either, I was gult ridden and depressed for what I had done to others and myself as well. Sobriety, the steps and the AA fellowship helped me in overcoming and solving the guilt and shame along with the self hatred.

Sharon I love that poem as well, one of the main things I have found in AA is a Higher Power of my choosing, that has carried me through the times I could not get through by myself. My Higher Power has done things for me I could not do for myself. It is not magic though, it is not easy, it takes time, it takes work, and it takes faith and humilty.

Sharon if you are willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober it can be done.

Keep going to those AA meetings, get a sponsor and take the steps.... that is what worked for me.

Believe808

Footprints, Welcome. We are all here for the same purpose, to get help for ourselves and to try and help another alcoholic/addict.
I love the prayer Footprints & I believe when I was so lost in my addiction the Good Lord carried me. He did for me what I could not do for myself. And if you do the footwork, maybe start with your doctor, rehab or AA he will carry you and get you through it.
Your life is so precious as are your children, it WILL get better if you don't drink.
Keep posting

acer67

Welcome footprints!

I am new here too. I am finding the people on this site to be very understanding. They are helping me with my questions and just giving me all around support. Keep coming back. I know I will be.