Can't take it anymore
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Hang in there Bell,
Its a hard thing to do and I struggle everyday. But I am working on it.
I used to live in Drexel Hill years ago and worked for an art shoppe in Ardmore. I loved it back there so much. Bought my wedding dress on South Street...
Hang in there!
Its a hard thing to do and I struggle everyday. But I am working on it.
I used to live in Drexel Hill years ago and worked for an art shoppe in Ardmore. I loved it back there so much. Bought my wedding dress on South Street...
Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by IO Storm 
Did you decide on taking the script? What did your doctor say about it?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: France
Posts: 783
Hi Eclipse,
A lot of what you say sounds just like me a while back. I remember thinking that it was impossible for me to stop drinking, my body craved the alcohol, something stronger than my will obviously, I couldn't get past 2 days. I had panic attacks, constant anxiety, but a great home life, no obvious problems. I refused to go to AA because I was afraid of running into people I knew, I wouldn't tell anyone about my drinking problem, I did get on a forum and spilled my guts. Someone told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. That infuriated me of course. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I was physically and psychologically enslaved by alcohol, so of course I couldn't have the will or the strength to fight against it. For me that was plain common sense,it was defintely NOT "feeling sorry for myself". But I chewed on that for a long time, and came to realise that maybe I was feeling sorry for myself. I definitely "rewarded" myself with a drink at the end of a day, "poor girl worked so hard all day, deserves a drink". I knew no one could possibly understand me, poor girl, alone in the world". I could go on and on...I just finally realised that I was feeling sorry for myself, and somehow that made a difference, a fighting difference, and I pulled myself up.
A lot of what you say sounds just like me a while back. I remember thinking that it was impossible for me to stop drinking, my body craved the alcohol, something stronger than my will obviously, I couldn't get past 2 days. I had panic attacks, constant anxiety, but a great home life, no obvious problems. I refused to go to AA because I was afraid of running into people I knew, I wouldn't tell anyone about my drinking problem, I did get on a forum and spilled my guts. Someone told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. That infuriated me of course. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I was physically and psychologically enslaved by alcohol, so of course I couldn't have the will or the strength to fight against it. For me that was plain common sense,it was defintely NOT "feeling sorry for myself". But I chewed on that for a long time, and came to realise that maybe I was feeling sorry for myself. I definitely "rewarded" myself with a drink at the end of a day, "poor girl worked so hard all day, deserves a drink". I knew no one could possibly understand me, poor girl, alone in the world". I could go on and on...I just finally realised that I was feeling sorry for myself, and somehow that made a difference, a fighting difference, and I pulled myself up.
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Eclipse you never have to drink again unless of course you want to. Are you willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober?
Notice I did not say get sober, I did that easily for years, but I could never stay sober, you see I really was not ready to stay sober because I was never willing to do any thing more then not drink, I was using my will power alone to not drink and without fail I would always come up with a reason to have "A" drink, but with me there was no such thing as "A" drink! Heck before I had to drink every day to feel normal I would celebrate staying sober by drinking! LOL Yes I was a bit insane when it came to alcohol!
Once alcohol took me to a place I never wanted to be and kept me there every day I basically gave up trying to stop drinking. After 5 years of daily drinking alone in my garage I hit a mental bottom, I had a moment of clarity where I saw my future if I kept drinking.... short version I was going to lose it all in less then a year and drink myself to death.
This was a magical moment, I was given the gift of desperation!!!! I was willing to do what ever it took to first get sober (Medical detox), & then stay sober!!!
This desperation took me to a doctor where I was totally honest and he put me into medical detox, in medical detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days & get a sponsor, I got out of detox wanting just 2 things........... 1. "A" drink, 2. To stay sober!!! I went to an AA meeting that night and got a sponsor.
Was I scared of going to AA? You betcha!!! I had heard about those miserable old men smoking cigarretes, drinking coffee, and crying about how they could not drink any more! I did not want a thing to do with them, I did not want to be like that!
Well I walk into a room full of people talking, laughing, and having a good time and just knew I was in the wrong place, there were men & women there, they were young, old, and every age inbetween, they were balck & white, they were aethiest, agnostics, Christians, Jews, and what ever, they were rich, middle class & a few unemployed or retired.
Turned out I was in the right place, the room was full of people who at one time had been just like me, they understood what I was going through because they had been there before. They were sober & happy, they shared with me how they stayed sober.
If you have a fear of the men in most areas there are women only meetings.
Why not try 3 or 4 meetings and see what they are like? I promise you no one will bite you, no one will force you to go to church or make you do anything you do not want to do. Every single one of them is there for the exact same primary reason you are there.............. to stay sober and to help each other stay sober. All AA is, is a group of men and women with a common problem and a common solution to that problem helping each other.
What do you have to lose? A drinking problem?
What can you gain? That is up to you, I have gained life itself and a wonderful new way of living life, I have also gained the joy in helping my fellow man by passing on to other suffering alcoholics what was passed on to me.
Eclipse why try to stay sober alone, I can tell you it is far easier with others.
Notice I did not say get sober, I did that easily for years, but I could never stay sober, you see I really was not ready to stay sober because I was never willing to do any thing more then not drink, I was using my will power alone to not drink and without fail I would always come up with a reason to have "A" drink, but with me there was no such thing as "A" drink! Heck before I had to drink every day to feel normal I would celebrate staying sober by drinking! LOL Yes I was a bit insane when it came to alcohol!
Once alcohol took me to a place I never wanted to be and kept me there every day I basically gave up trying to stop drinking. After 5 years of daily drinking alone in my garage I hit a mental bottom, I had a moment of clarity where I saw my future if I kept drinking.... short version I was going to lose it all in less then a year and drink myself to death.
This was a magical moment, I was given the gift of desperation!!!! I was willing to do what ever it took to first get sober (Medical detox), & then stay sober!!!
This desperation took me to a doctor where I was totally honest and he put me into medical detox, in medical detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days & get a sponsor, I got out of detox wanting just 2 things........... 1. "A" drink, 2. To stay sober!!! I went to an AA meeting that night and got a sponsor.
Was I scared of going to AA? You betcha!!! I had heard about those miserable old men smoking cigarretes, drinking coffee, and crying about how they could not drink any more! I did not want a thing to do with them, I did not want to be like that!
Well I walk into a room full of people talking, laughing, and having a good time and just knew I was in the wrong place, there were men & women there, they were young, old, and every age inbetween, they were balck & white, they were aethiest, agnostics, Christians, Jews, and what ever, they were rich, middle class & a few unemployed or retired.
Turned out I was in the right place, the room was full of people who at one time had been just like me, they understood what I was going through because they had been there before. They were sober & happy, they shared with me how they stayed sober.
If you have a fear of the men in most areas there are women only meetings.
Why not try 3 or 4 meetings and see what they are like? I promise you no one will bite you, no one will force you to go to church or make you do anything you do not want to do. Every single one of them is there for the exact same primary reason you are there.............. to stay sober and to help each other stay sober. All AA is, is a group of men and women with a common problem and a common solution to that problem helping each other.
What do you have to lose? A drinking problem?
What can you gain? That is up to you, I have gained life itself and a wonderful new way of living life, I have also gained the joy in helping my fellow man by passing on to other suffering alcoholics what was passed on to me.
Eclipse why try to stay sober alone, I can tell you it is far easier with others.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
Something to think about,deficiencies of certain vitamins and minerals have all been associated with anxiety and the stress of constant anxiety may increase your need for these nutrients.
Your doc can do a blood test to check out some of your body's level of vitamins.
You can do this, stay strong
Linda
Your doc can do a blood test to check out some of your body's level of vitamins.
You can do this, stay strong
Linda
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Originally Posted by Eclipse
I am taking the prescription, but very carefully. It really helps with the anxiety. I know I have a couple of tough days, but plan on working through it.
Stay sober today.
Work through this day.
Focus on this day.
Hugs and prayers, for you today, E..
Sher
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Originally Posted by Jayne2
Eclipse - you are right! You need to change it up.
For a long time, wine was my reward as I was cooking dinner for putting in a hard day and doing EVERYTHING it seemed around the house. I thought I could never cook again because it was such a trigger for me. I'd make these elaborate meals that took an hour or two to prepare SO I COULD DRINK MORE. Now I make what I make, and sometimes I don't cook at all. I need to do whatever it takes for me, and if that means letting some things go around the house in the short-term, so be it. You need to do whatever it takes to break this cycle and take care of yourself and your sobriety. Plus giving yourself permission - true permission - to not be a superwoman and do it all will definitely help with some of the tension and anxiety.
I'm cheering for you!
Jayne
For a long time, wine was my reward as I was cooking dinner for putting in a hard day and doing EVERYTHING it seemed around the house. I thought I could never cook again because it was such a trigger for me. I'd make these elaborate meals that took an hour or two to prepare SO I COULD DRINK MORE. Now I make what I make, and sometimes I don't cook at all. I need to do whatever it takes for me, and if that means letting some things go around the house in the short-term, so be it. You need to do whatever it takes to break this cycle and take care of yourself and your sobriety. Plus giving yourself permission - true permission - to not be a superwoman and do it all will definitely help with some of the tension and anxiety.
I'm cheering for you!
Jayne
Yup, for the first month my family did not get the same meals they used to. And you know what? They all lived through it!
One of the things I did a lot of in the beginning was start the meals in a crock pot before I left the house. If dinner was ready when I got home, there was no need to stay in the kitchen. Also this gave me the freedom to not be home every night. I went to the gym 3 nights a week and I went to meetings 3-4 times a week. I completely changed my routine because I was SO uncomfortable being home at that time of night.
I used to do EVERYTHING and be superwoman to justify my drinking. Now I am really okay with the laundry piling up occasionally and the house not being perfect. AND I am a better wife and mother today, than I have ever been!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Eclipse
I just can't do this anymore. I am spiraling out of control. It is as bad as it has ever been. The anxiety is killing me, I am not getting anything done. All I can think about it the next drink to calm me down. I am really falling apart. I keep thinking it will get better, but its doesn't. I am scared something bad is going to happen. I don't even have anything to stress about. I never used to be like this. I know it is the alcohol. I just feel like I can't cope without it and don't even try at this point. I just wish I had the willpower to do it. I know how much better the other side is, I just can't get there. I can't imagine going home tonite and not drinking a bottle of wine. I am so sad. I am on anti-depressants, like that is really helping.
Here are the things I tried:
I went to my Dr. and got on some anti-depressants and valium. I couldn't stop drinking.
I started seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression. I couldn't stop drinking.
I tried to not drink for one day at a time. I couldn't stop drinking.
I started going to intensive outpatient treatment for alcohol addiction. I couldn't stop drinking.
I went to rehab for 30 days. I couldn't stop drinking.
I went to AA. I couldn't stop drinking.
I tried to work AA's steps. I couldn't stop drinking. The anxiety got worse.
You get the idea. I knew that I had been beaten. I knew that I was absolutely ******, and that this would never get better. I can't describe the hurt inside me on that day. My whole world was caving in on me. Feeling almost exactly like your post describes, ditching work, drinking at 10 in the morning, afraid to leave the house, I called a man whom I didn't like very much, one of those know it all AA book thumpers, explained who I was and said I needed help. I showed up drunk to meet him later that day. After meeting me a couple more times, he gave me direction to go home, dump out what I had, and start specific directions in AA's Big Book. Little did I know I had taken my last drink.
I continued following this man's direction through the book. At some point not long after, I caught myself realizing that I hadn't thought about a drink that current day, and, come to think of it, couldn't remember the last time I had thought of picking up a drink. The obsession had been removed and has not returned.
At about 5 months sober and on fire with recovery, I decided to try life without the anti-depressants. NOTE: I am in no way recommending this. That is between you and your Dr. I am merely saying that after taking, not trying the steps outlined in that book, I was no longer depressed and no longer have anxiety problems.
Originally Posted by Eclipse
Where do I go? How do you do this? I am desperate
Last edited by keithj; 04-17-2009 at 12:32 PM. Reason: forgot an important part
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Thanks Keith,
That is very encouraging. I am starting again today after a long stressful weekend, where I drank just to alleviate the stress.
I don't care if I have anxiety up the *** this week, I will not cave in. I can't stand my heart waking me up in the middle of the night because it is pounding so hard. It is scary.
I know I have said it before but this is it for me. I am making a new stand and sticking with it.
Thanks steamvessel, how did your weekend go? Hang in there
That is very encouraging. I am starting again today after a long stressful weekend, where I drank just to alleviate the stress.
I don't care if I have anxiety up the *** this week, I will not cave in. I can't stand my heart waking me up in the middle of the night because it is pounding so hard. It is scary.
I know I have said it before but this is it for me. I am making a new stand and sticking with it.
Thanks steamvessel, how did your weekend go? Hang in there
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Join Date: May 2008
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Hi Eclipse,
I don't think it's as easy as saying that you will not cave in, this week. Alcoholics can not pick up a drink no matter what.
Anxiety, stress, long stressful weekend, mayhem around the dinner hour, it's life and we all have stresses. There are many stresses we can't just walk away from because they are part of where we are at a particular stage in out lives and we need to learn to cope with them. When I say cope, I mean getting the root of the problem uncovered and dealt with appropriately.
When I read your post last week where you described how you were feeling and what you were experiencing, I was reeling from it as I remember those days and to be honest, I was thrown when you posted later that you probably needed to mix up your schedule a bit and get some exercise.
I wish you well E
I don't think it's as easy as saying that you will not cave in, this week. Alcoholics can not pick up a drink no matter what.
Anxiety, stress, long stressful weekend, mayhem around the dinner hour, it's life and we all have stresses. There are many stresses we can't just walk away from because they are part of where we are at a particular stage in out lives and we need to learn to cope with them. When I say cope, I mean getting the root of the problem uncovered and dealt with appropriately.
When I read your post last week where you described how you were feeling and what you were experiencing, I was reeling from it as I remember those days and to be honest, I was thrown when you posted later that you probably needed to mix up your schedule a bit and get some exercise.
I wish you well E
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Originally Posted by gerryP
and to be honest, I was thrown when you posted later that you probably needed to mix up your schedule a bit and get some exercise.
Why were you thrown when I said that?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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I think I know why gerryP was thrown. It's the insanity of the first drink. Thinking that a little more exercise or a change in schedule or anything else is going to make a difference.
Think about it. How many times have you said to yourself that this is the last time? That you aren't going to drink this week no matter what, and then found yourself drinking? It's an obsession of the mind.
I know for me, I made that kind of solemn oath on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. OK, this weekend is already trashed, but I'll stop on Monday. Or, I'll drink to the end of the month and get a fresh start in June. Or I just won't drink today. I made these kinds of promises over and over, hundreds of times. And the insane part was that I really believed it. I really thought that will power could stop me from drinking. I remember once even dumping out my bottle and then having to drive to the liquor store a few hours later.
This is why it is so helpful for me to have full knowledge of my condition. I'm a big AA fan, so to me it means that I'm powerless, that I have lost the power of choice in whether I drink or not. There will come a time when I will have no mental defense against the first drink. I can't recall with sufficient force the humiliation and suffering of even a week or month ago.
My own experience with repeatedly doing what you're doing, and doing it with the same thought process as you, led me to see the truth. Hopeless and despairing, I finally saw the truth. I asked for help, got guided through AA's steps, had a spiritual awakening (no small feat for a life long atheist), and live a life better than I've ever known. YMMV, but that's exactly how it worked for me.
Think about it. How many times have you said to yourself that this is the last time? That you aren't going to drink this week no matter what, and then found yourself drinking? It's an obsession of the mind.
I know for me, I made that kind of solemn oath on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. OK, this weekend is already trashed, but I'll stop on Monday. Or, I'll drink to the end of the month and get a fresh start in June. Or I just won't drink today. I made these kinds of promises over and over, hundreds of times. And the insane part was that I really believed it. I really thought that will power could stop me from drinking. I remember once even dumping out my bottle and then having to drive to the liquor store a few hours later.
This is why it is so helpful for me to have full knowledge of my condition. I'm a big AA fan, so to me it means that I'm powerless, that I have lost the power of choice in whether I drink or not. There will come a time when I will have no mental defense against the first drink. I can't recall with sufficient force the humiliation and suffering of even a week or month ago.
My own experience with repeatedly doing what you're doing, and doing it with the same thought process as you, led me to see the truth. Hopeless and despairing, I finally saw the truth. I asked for help, got guided through AA's steps, had a spiritual awakening (no small feat for a life long atheist), and live a life better than I've ever known. YMMV, but that's exactly how it worked for me.
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thanks keith...i do understand that part of it. yea right.....i'll just change a few things and be okay...but I am really trying to change it so I can't be at the store buying a bottle of wine and maybe at some point I will substitute the obsession of drinking for the obsession of working out (which I have done before) since most of us I believe have obsessive personalities. I also have used the why stop today, i can start tomorrow or how about on Easter, cuz that would have some meaning or maybe the first of the month cuz its easier to count the days........it never ends. I am just trying to do something to change the way i do things so i can change me.....thanks for your words.
what is YMMV????
what is YMMV????
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Eclipse one of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You say you used exercise to stay sober once, did it keep you sober? Do you think that exercisiing more this time will keep you sober?
Why not try something different this time like working a recovery program & exercising?
Why not try something different this time like working a recovery program & exercising?
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Hey Eclipse,
you and I are very much the same as you know. Reading what every one has posted I think they have a point. I'm the same as you when it comes to AA but there has to be something in it. The right time to stop is never going to come to us. There will be no significant event that will prompt us and in actual fact we don't want one of those events do we?
I saw a councilor yesterday, I'm as much against them as I am AA but I figured I would rather brave that than AA. She was very nice and I'm glad I went however her advice was "GO TO AA" she went on to say that she couldn't even give me a fraction of the support that I would get from AA.
All these people can't be wrong, can they?
you and I are very much the same as you know. Reading what every one has posted I think they have a point. I'm the same as you when it comes to AA but there has to be something in it. The right time to stop is never going to come to us. There will be no significant event that will prompt us and in actual fact we don't want one of those events do we?
I saw a councilor yesterday, I'm as much against them as I am AA but I figured I would rather brave that than AA. She was very nice and I'm glad I went however her advice was "GO TO AA" she went on to say that she couldn't even give me a fraction of the support that I would get from AA.
All these people can't be wrong, can they?
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She was very nice and I'm glad I went however her advice was "GO TO AA" she went on to say that she couldn't even give me a fraction of the support that I would get from AA.
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You know in AA we say that alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful, funny how it can turn us against the very things that could save us.
5 years before I got sober I went to an AA speakers meeting, part of the speakers story was his getting into a bunch of trouble drinking in Germany...... Well I was drunk while at that meeting and what I walked away with was "Man, Germany is a great place to drink!" I got none of the message of recovery the man spoke of in the latter part of his talk.
5 years before I got sober I went to an AA speakers meeting, part of the speakers story was his getting into a bunch of trouble drinking in Germany...... Well I was drunk while at that meeting and what I walked away with was "Man, Germany is a great place to drink!" I got none of the message of recovery the man spoke of in the latter part of his talk.
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