CrackQuack

Saw my Sponsor today. While we were going over my step work and discussing things, I just kept thinking that "using was so much easier.", and it feels like it was. Never seemed like it was hard work copping a bunch of crack.
Just wanted to get that off my chest. I realize it's the addiction talking. Still trying to convince me that getting high is the right thing to do.. DUH.
I know better. Yeah, getting high was easier, but the aftermath was WAY more work than doing my steps. I just think I have a little of that fear thing going. Afraid of what lies beneath the addiction and the pain. Afraid to find myself...
*sighs*
It will get easier. I know it.. Just sometimes have a hard time holding on to it..
JUST FOR TODAY!:ghug3

adore79

Thanks for sharing that CQ, I feel that way sometimes as well. It is easy and yet it is hard. Willingness, determination, resolve and trust in our HP will pull us through. :ghug3

Impurrfect

Using WAS easier...it's a cop out. However, for me, the consequences sucked and what my life became, while I smoked crack was pretty pitiful. That's what I remind myself of when that stupid addict voice starts talking.

It does get easier, I promise. Once we start dealing with our feelings and get through them, we move on...unlike when we avoid them, put them off, stuff them down. Then they just keep coming back until we DO deal with them. You will actually be amazed at how much better you feel once you deal with some of this stuff.

It may be tough now, but there IS a light at the end of that tunnel!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

micwush

I agree that at first recovery seems like a lot of work and using is so much easier. Until you think about the aftermath and the work it takes to cover it up or clean it up. And being sober is something new. So it's going to get easier as I get used to it.

Thanks for sharing. You really made me think about this which is great.

Anna

You will see the benefits of your hard work soon, and that will make it easier.

Aysha

I dont know...Using was pretty hard work for me.
All that running around hustling money. Hiding from the cops and hiding from dealers I owed. Finding places to get high. Chasing dow the dealers. Chasing money. Going through it when I couldnt make anythign happen. It was like a freakin job to me. All of it.
And a high stress job filled with paranoia.
Didnt seem like it. Because I was too high and too focused on getting that hit to even notice. Hell I woulda sat in a burning house and let it burn down around me if I thought there was money or crack in it.
HAng in there.
The work to get and stay clean is hard. And it may not have its instant rewards like using. But it sure has priceless rewards that will keep coming for a lifetime.
Smoking rocks all those years and have nothing but BS to show for it.
Doing this recovery stuff and the possibilities are endless.

Impurrfect

((Trish)) - thanks for the reminder..using wasn't so easy after all. It just seemed that way, 'cause I was high! I'd forgotten what it was like, day in and day out.

Give me recovery, any day.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Missymae737

Thanks for your sharing...:ghug

I drank to be in a land of not feeling pain...

What I have learned is yes it was a little easier for a few short hours not to be struggling with myself about lifes hard times, however the flip side of this was I did not grow with life..When I did get sober I had more pain to deal with and eventually I did have to learn how to deal with life issues...Only then was there peace and a sence of accomplishment...

This disease does not own me during tough times...NOR anytime.

You can do this and believe me it does get easier with time...

coffeenut

Being a drunk wasn't easier for me. Yeah, the first couple of beers were okay, but the next 10 were horrible. Then............the hangover the next day was horrible. And if no vomiting was involved now that was an easier drunk. And then I had to interrupt family outings just so I could go sit and drink. Who knows how many times I hurt my kids feelings because I had to have my beer. I don't want to know.

Being Sober is MUCH easier. I can finally breathe.

CrackQuack

Thank you, everyone, for the words of encouragement. It helps a lot. I think I am being emotional as it's that time of the month for me. Not a rough one, just emotional. Last night, I was at work, all alone (us cleaning ladies clean offices all by ourselves, at night!), went to the bathroom. I was sitting there thinking how easy it would be to smoke dope in the bathroom there. I finished up, got up, and told myself that was absolutely the worst idea I've had all week so far! My addiction is working strong this week, trying to convince me that, since I made it more than 60 days, I can control it and use, just once. How freaking stupid that is.
I think part of the problem is that I still owe a dealer 30 bucks and he knows where I live. I did make a phone call to the police, claiming I saw kids around my house and asked if they could drive by a few extra times just to make sure nothing happens to my mom's house or car, or my truck. I have been really worried about that this week. What if he comes? What if I am not home? Will he hurt my mother? What if he comes and does something to the house or cars?? Ya know? I am just obsessing on it, I know. It's only 30 bucks, but in this economy, I fear something will happen more to my Mom or HER stuff than my own.
I had my number changed and hadn't called him or had anything to do with any of the dealers or other old people/places/things that I used to be with and most of them know this dealer..
Ugh. The consequences of my actions and my stupid addict voice is telling me to still use. I wish it would go away!

FizzyWater

Stay clean CrackQuack.

It'll be even harder to come back the next time, always presuming there is a next time.

You just might not make it back.

Cravings will stop, things will get easier.

I know money's tight for you, could you get the $30 to pay this guy off though, maybe even if you were then due it to someone that worried you less.

Stay safe, all the best

CrackQuack

Yeah, I can get the 30 bucks in a couple weeks, on the 19th, when I have my fair..
And yeah, I keep assuming that there would be a next time, after the relapse.. DUH. There might not be. And you know what assume means..
Thanks. That does make me feel better. I need to stay clean, and hey, I only have to stay clean today. Tomorrow, I can use if I want to (ya know, tomorrow never comes, thank GOD!).
Maybe since nothing has happened for almost 70 days, he can wait a couple more weeks.. Or maybe he's given up. I have no idea why it's bugging me now.. Maybe I am just obsessing over it. Just being a worrier..

Aysha

I am just speaking from my own experience. If nothing has happened yet with the dealer. Most likely he isnt sweating you or that $30 or willing to go to jail for it.
He will wait until he sees you again.
I have owed $50 and $100 before with them knwoing where I live. Its not worth going to jail or drawing attention to themselves over. But believe if he sees you again he will more than likely let you know about it. They never forget.
I would forget about it and use it as a reason why you shouldnt go back. In case you run into him. Some are assholes trying to keep a rep. But most arent. So depending on what thype of person he is and how he conducts his business. Will tell you how he will handle himself with that.
I think all kinds of crazy stuff too. LOL. I ahev done the the bathroom things lots of times. The perfect bathroom to smoke crack in. So silly. But I have done it.
Hang in there. You can do it.