redshift

In reading a few posts about gratitude today, I was struck by how often when I try to express gratitude about something in my life, it quickly turns to guilt over what I've done/wasted through alcohol. Sometimes quite crushing guilt.

I'm increasingly noticing this guilt as one of my triggers, and am interested in exploring the paradox of why expressing gratitude would lead me to consider throwing it away again.

Sorry if this is a bit philosophical, but I really am interested in interested in what you all think about how gratitude and guilt are related, and how that affects you in your recovery.

Gratitude for your replies expressed in advance

Aysha

I think its very important to let things go and forgive first of all.
Your just goin to be stuck until you can do that.
I know I am grateful and very lucky to have the things I do after the mess I have made of my life and others close to me.
And I guess that would bring on some guilt when I think of how my family has stood by me after all I have put them through.
But if they can forgive me. I need to forgive myself too.
We need to move forward. Not back. So leaving the past where it is and letting it go is essential.
Be proud for your efforts in being sober. And be glad you can be grateful.
It will come in time.

jamdls

Yes you have to forgive yourself, it takes time but it will happen. I felt horrible and guilty most all of my first year of sobriety, at times felt guilty to even be breathing. But I am so greatful for this second chance at life, I tell my daughter that even though I was emotionally absent and drunk during her teenage years, I can now be the best grandmother ever and she lets me be that.

Judy

Isaiah

I think guilt is really a state of mind. It's the premise that "I am bad, and all my problems stem from my bad-ness."

Gratitude is opening yourself up to feel good, either because you're reflecting on something positive about yourself, or because you see yourself as deserving of some gift.

I've thought a lot about this. Part of a mental illness I have is that I have trouble feeling guilt without also feeling like a completely evil person--guilt is absolute for me, often.

I struggle most with alcohol when I'm in a state of guilt. Because when I'm there I no longer have any concern for my well-being or my good desires. I just want to prove to the world that I'm a bad person, and for me, a lot of guilt is tied in with alcohol use. So I express my sense of guilt by drinking.

"See? This proves I'm a bad person because I'm choosing to do bad things."

Jayne2

I have the same experience - gratitude leads immediately to guilt about hurt I've caused or opportunities I've squandered. They seem to be inextricably linked for me and I'd really like to "un-link" them! I'm really glad you started this topic and am looking forward to reading the replies.

Janye

Tommyh

redshift
I believe it may be guilt loaded down with a big load of old fashioned shame.

I cannot feel guilty today if;
1-I have made the right amends to others I have harmed in the past
2-I am doing nothing to produce guilt today,by doing something I think is wrong
3-if I keep my mind in the here and now,with gratitude for being able to live better,live sober now,today
those 3 thing eliminated my guilt ...so how about my past shame?

my mind can jump to the past,and fear can make me feel yucky inside,when that happens, and I keep it there long enough, I can easily mistake it for guilt.It could be shame or another negative emotion.Usually,in my case,shame came from not doing what I thought I should have done.
I call that one of my shortcomings,where I fell short in life because of my drugging and drinking.

My guilt came from doing things I was not suppose to do.I call that one of my defects of character

I would suggest you look into shame and learning what it is,how to recognize it,and what to do about it when it pops up.

Gypsy Feet

I am grateful every day, I enjoy thinking of the things in my life (and others) that are positive. I also am not anywhere near done working through some of the anger/resentment/shame or guilt from the past, so mostly I just stay in the now and work on me little bits at a time.

Mark75

Shame...

bballdad is right (again!!)... I think you can more accurately identify your feeling as shame. I had oceans of shame, gratitude doesn't come without guilt until you get rid of the shame, at least that how it was for me... I did not feel worthy of gratitude, I felt so ashamed...

Most of my shame is gone, thank God... now just lots of old fashioned guilt ... that I can work through... 12 steps, prayer, amends...

Mark

firestorm090

One of the things that helps me the most is to bear in mind that most, if not all people have an addiction to something, whether it's booze, drugs, food, money, fame, sex, another person, or whatever fits the bill for that person. That helps me realize that everyone makes mistakes and that all of us are guilty for hurting someone, even with the best intentions. All of us have not reached our full potential, at least in some area, all of us have our bad days, as well as good, and none of us give all that we can every moment of our lives. We're all human and entitled to feel all the good and bad we choose. Although I didn't recognize it for many years, I now know I lived in shame for decades, coupled with guilt and a lack of gratitude thrown in for good measure. I felt extremely guilty and ashamed that my marriage fell apart, in large measure due to my abuse of alcohol and not being there for my wife. I was an absentee husband. I took the ole guilt stick and rapped my head with it a thousand times, till I finally realized we were both young, came from disfunctional families and neither of us had all the answers. We still talk on occasion, are friends, and I've let the guilt and shame go. That was my biggest hurdle to learning how to forgive myself and accept that I have a good life, without survivor gulit.

Learning to live shame and guilt free takes time, and setting things right to the best of our ability. Then we move on, try not to repeat what ill we've done, and not add new ills to our box of rocks. Then we can be grateful for today, and walk with our heads held high, knowing we are doing our best today. And for that, I am grateful.

gravity

To me, gratitude and guilt are two separate things.

Guilt used to be a great excuse to keep drinking. But I had to face that guilt without alcohol. I guess it comes down to acceptance. Acceptance that I am an imperfect human being who has made mistakes. Acceptance that I hurt people. At the same time, I have also come to accept that I did many good things. I'm not a bad guy - really! Perspective.

Bottom line though - acceptance that I can't change the past. I'm done living in it.

Trying to repair the damage by making amends to others is all that I can do. And staying sober is a huge step, a requirement to making those amends especially to my family. I can only do this today and moving forward.

Gratitude gets rid of so many negative thoughts and emotions. Gratitude is not the same as pride. I am grateful for my sobriety, health, family, job...another day and chance to do the right thing. Do I deserve these gifts? Does it really matter so long as as do my best with what is right in front of me? I owe it to myself, my family, and everyone who counts on me - to honour these gifts.

adore79

I find that I dont really feel guilty about anything as long as I am trying and doing my best to be a good person today. We are constantly changing, everything is constantly changing and guilt is an emotion that is hard to get rid of because it is tied to memory like it is. The same goes for worrying about things we cant change, it is just an emotion that has developed in human brains as defensive measure but in today's world it is used way to much. I thought I had a point in all this but maybe I dont :/

redshift

Thanks all. Very insightful comments and thoughts, and certainly helpful to me as I try to unravel the ball of string a little bit.

I hadn't considered shame and how it is related to guilt, but I can definitely see that now. Off to do some meditation on that theme.

Rusty Zipper

red, for me, to make it un-philosophical!

guilt, past, gratitude, today...

good wishes red!

Tommyh

Sandy,I followed the link you posted,thats not a bad book at all
thank you,I`m gonna read that book.

Itsmytime

Guilt is a biggie for me also. Most of my guilt stems from things I did while drunk, which I am really learning to let go of, I know that wasn't the real me it was someone hurting real, real bad inside. Time to heal my inner child